Pissed off ex h wife

[Ineedabeerorseven]

And I really didn’t mean to!

Me and ex h split/divorced 17 years ago now.

We’ve always been on good terms, we have one ds who is now 24.

Backstory - Both remarried, ex h and his wife live a few hours away and her family is in this area so they will come here during Christmas/easter/summer for lunch with us all and to see ds. They send my younger children birthday and Christmas cards and presents. There are no issues.

I’ve recently sorted the thousands of photos I had mainly from when we were together, pre iPhones and digital storage. There are so many lovely ones of ex h and ds when he was little.

So the last time ex h was in the area to visit ds, I gave him a box of them. They are all of him and ds over ds childhood. He was chuffed to bits to have them. I mentioned that there would be some more as I still had some albums to sort out and he said that’s fantastic, thanks so much.

Wildly inappropriate according to his wife.

She sent me a text asking me not to pass on anymore photos as she found them intrusive.

I apologised if she found them intrusive and said that ex h had been pleased to have them, but that if he didn’t want anymore, get him to let me know and I can keep them here for ds.

My dh did ask if there were photos of me in there that could have upset her. Nope, I just gave him the ones of him and ds. I am not in any of them.

I really don’t know where this has come from. I don’t want to push it, I replied to her text the best way I thought and it’s up to ex h if he would like any others. I’ve not said anything to him.

It just seems so odd as we have always got on!

(And before anyone says ds is 24, why any contact, life is short. Ds has been through a few things where he needed both of our support and we both had to support each other as his parents through them. I always feel it’s best to grow up with divorced parents who can spend time together with no stress).

I guess.

My dh didn’t have children before we met, but if he did, I think I would be thrilled for him to have all those memories back, and to see my (fictional) step children from before I knew them.

We are all different though.

When I sort out the rest, I’ll keep them separate and maybe mention them to ex h. Otherwise. I’ll keep them here for ds.

For what it’s worth, my husband has never been jealous of the life I had before him, or photos of it. We used to travel quite a bit with ex h work and ds has shown loads of family videos of those trips to my dh over the years, obviously my ex is in many of them, and dh has never been anything but inquisitive about the countries we visited and what we saw, as well as loving being able to see what ds was like before he met him.

The past cant be erased. Its pics of him and his child.
His current wife needs to get over herself

I'd be thinking they're going through a bad time together and she's worried he's been discussing it with you and so taking it out on you.

It's so weird isn't it? But you definitely didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like there is more going on and it touched a nerve, but that's not your responsibility. Would she have reacted the same way if your child had given the photos to him? I mean if you're going to marry someone with a kid/kids you have to accept that photos of a past life is part of the deal frankly. Hope it all settles down and she just had a moment of anxiety and took it out on the wrong person.

This sounds totally out of character. You all seem to have a really positive relationship. I would imagine she's either been doing all the friendly stuff through gritted teeth (seems unlikely) or she's struggling with something else. I'd give her a call. I don't think text messages translate well. I'd just say 'I was really shocked when I got your text. I wanted to check in and see if you're okay'.

I wonder if something’s got lost in translation and she a) hasn’t seen the photos and thinks they’re from your relationship not DS b) finds that intrusive. It sounds like it could be a big misunderstanding tbh from what you say about your past relationship with her.

Unless some random nude photos of you got in by mistake, it doesn't sound like anything!!!

You describe such a good relationship of all working together for your son, please don't let this ruin years of cooperation, it sounds really out of character, I agree with pp, just call her and say so sorry the photos were problematic, is everything ok?

Phone her 🤔

Another vote for a phone call.
She's become part of your family and is usually a great friend.
It must be a misunderstanding or maybe she's depressed about a bigger issue.

Sometimes the peace can't be kept by not communicating honestly.
Because it sometimes festers and bursts out later in an uncontrolled way.
If you had said : i sorry you are upset by the photos of Exh and ds,Ex h said it would be amazing to have them and seemed really pleased to have them. Id like to understand your perspective,could you explain why you found them so intrusive?

I didn’t think of that at the time though. I just though, “oh fuck” and replied what I did.

I’ll think about calling her. Dh just says to leave it and forget it, maybe she’s having a rough time with whatever.

We don’t tend to call each other though, it’s mainly via text or email.

I understand you must have been shocked /stunned.
The thing is when you sort out the other photos you will be reluctant to give them to your EXh now .
I dont think this is over tbh ....

My guess is she is pissed off about something else, saw the photos, assumed there were photos of the two of you together, and it gave her something to kick off about. I don’t think this really has anything to do with you. I would mention it to your ex though. I don’t think it’s fair to take the brunt of this when it’s not you she’s angry at.

I think this is great advice, clear the air. I would have thought this was the behaviour of a woman thaat didn't like to be reminded that her DH had a life, wife and family before her, but seeing as the relationship has been a positive one up until now, it does seem very odd and out of character. It seems rather cruel to deprive her DH of photos of himself and his son, could it be that their relationship is rocky?

I think I’d have assumed she’d briefly lost her mind and charitably ignored the text.

It is weird, but I’d just leave it now. Any more poking into it risks losing the good set up. If there is more to it then it will probably come out anyway.

Maybe all isn’t well in their relationship and she’s struggling, it seems out of character from what you’ve said.

I'd ignore her what a nut! 😂😂 Her insecurities aren't your problem

This is a good possibility. Just because you know there's no pics of you in there doesn't mean that she realises that. If they were already in a rough spot, a box of old happy family photos arriving (and her dh being delighted with them!) might have pissed her right off even though she's normally a reasonable person.

Surely she should be having the conversation with your ex rather than you? How did he not know there wasn’t anything of you in there? Did he not look at them all? Weird. Stay back for a bit and leave it at that or text ex and say you didn’t mean to offend his wife in anyway and sorry if you have and leave it there. It’s not your problem.

Are they currently having problems in their marriage?

It is weird and irrational.

On that basis, I’d just leave it now.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You have responded kindly.

Just leave it now. If she brings it up again, simply ask why it’s intrusive. Don’t be so quick to apologise when you’ve done nothing wrong.

I wonder if the photos have triggered a change in his behaviour - combined with you saying that DS has gone to work abroad for 2 years, maybe he’s in a nostalgic frame of mind and keeps going on about his old life and missing DS when he was little etc., and rather than deal with that with him, she’s snapped and blamed you.

From everything you’ve said, it certainly doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong, and it’s for them to sort out between them.

It could be anything but if I had to guess I reckon your ex and his wife may be having some difficulties, or maybe she has some worries over their relationship. Although you're not in the photos, they're a record of a time when you and he were happy together and they're triggering her in some way. When you have the rest of the photos sorted, just keep them separate and hang on to them. Tell your ex you have them but haven't passed them on as [his wife's name] reacted badly to the first lot you gave him. I wonder if he knows she texted you about them?

I’d just leave it.

It’s a very odd message to send. And why message you? Surely, if she has a problem, she should sort out with your ex rather than message you directly. She seems controlling. Why’s it intrusive for your ex to have old photos of him and his son?

If you’ve had a good relationship with both your ex and his wife for a very long time, the only explanations I can think of are:

• That good relationship was a sham. She didn’t like the thought of you being in your ex’s life and was uncomfortable you shared a DS. She’s been acting to keep your ex on side and finally the mask has slipped, maybe because they’re not getting on.

• As the years have gone by, it’s become more of an issue that she and your ex don’t have a child together (e.g. prospect of shared GC) and so it’s starting to feel that you and your ex are more of a family unit (with her as the tag along), especially if she has no relationship with her DD’s father.

• She’s controlling about their home and doesn’t want you giving your ex physical items to keep in it. As she sees it, you’ve cleared out old family ‘clutter’ and (rather than give to DS) given it to ‘her’ to store rather than digitalise or throw away. Maybe hit a nerve if your ex brings a lot of stuff into their home and never tidies/clears it out.

• Her mental health isn’t great (maybe linked to menopause?) or she and your ex aren’t getting on. So, even the tiniest things (which might usually irritate but she’d let go) now seem massive or grating to the extent she feels she has to message you.

• Your ex isn’t bothering with her and instead gives her the impression he enjoys your company more. Perhaps he was effusive about the time he spent with you and DS before he went away and the photos symbolise your closeness.

• If she hasn’t seen the photos, maybe she thinks they’ve got you in them and that’s a bit much.

Whatever, the reason, she’s being unreasonable. You were thoughtful and sensitive (e.g. only giving him the ones without you in). I hope she doesn’t throw the photos out. Save the rest for your DS or at v least digitalise.