Love or hate hugs?

[Seeingadistance]

My elderly DF has extremely advanced dementia and is in a nursing home. We are not a tactile family - not huggers at all! The staff in the nursing home hug my DF, some of them will lean over and actually rub their faces against his.

At a recent meeting with his key worker, I pointed out that my DF was never in the habit of hugging or touching even those closest to him, and that I feel it's inappropriate for carers to do it, especially as he is very vulnerable, can't speak and actually flinches when touched. The key worker seemed quite taken aback by my comments, and as an example I referred to the Covid lockdowns when the huggers wailed about the lack of physical contact and the non-huggers were delighted by it!

Edited to add - any information I've found so far online about hugging and touch in the context of elderly people and care home, tends to assume that touch is therapeutic and welcomed. Now it's on my mind, I've noticed how much the carers do touch the residents - including one interaction I saw on my last visit when a members of staff walked up behind a woman, who has little to no speech, in a wheelchair and stroked her hair, without any warning or even being seen. It was actually quite creepy and in any other context would be clearly inappropriate.

So - that's the background to my question and the poll.

Comments welcome!

I'm not a particularly huggy person. I enjoy a hug with my husband but that's about it.

With my kids, I make an effort to hug them but I admit it doesn't come naturally to me at all and I mentally have to think "Oh, this is a hug moment, right?"

Other than the hug thing we are all very affectionate and say "love you" at every good bye and lots of positive conversations etc. Super close but not tactile. For me, hugging is a chore to be done to please/appease others.

Absolutely, do not fucking touch me.

Splendid username, and attitude to hugging!

I like hugging my son. I liked hugging my DH when he was alive. That's about it.
I also don't like shaking hands or greeting kisses on the cheek. I 'm very precious about my personal space.
I think if your DF actually flinches when they do this then you are very right to raise the issue because if he can't speak up for himself he really needs you to do it for him.

Do you think your dad hates it ? With people with dementia touch can a reassurance when there is no other way to connect with a person, of course if you think the carers are being ott in hugging that is different, the carers are a regular point of reassurance for him and his nearest as you put in your vote so they are treating him like family,

To answer your question im not much of a hugger no family yes occasionally friends . Acquaintances and strangers never.

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😂

As well as not being a hugger, my DF was always a very shy and physically modest man. He is completely incapacitated now and everything has to be done for him, so he is being touched all the time - for toileting, washing, dressing, being hoisted, being turned and moved in bed or wheelchair. That kind of touch makes him agitated and cry out in distress. There is so much necessary touching for him that I think unnecessary touch should be avoided. And as I've said, he flinched when touched.

When someone can no longer communicate, I think it's best to base your actions on what their previous known and expressed wishes and habits were.

I can only think of one time I hugged my DF as an adult and that was over 25 years ago, at my wedding.

Not a hugger. I actually have a bag that says, FREE HUGS, just kidding, don't touch me.

I would be horrified to be regularly touched by randoms when older and not mobile. Care plan?

I love hugs from my husband, children, immediate family and close friends. Not particularly from others and would hate it from carers, if I had/ needed them. I think what's happening to your DF is really inappropriate, he clearly doesn't want hugs and that should be respected. Well done for advocating for him.

You are absolutely right, if he wasn't demonstrative and private before his dementia then of course they shouldn't be hugging him or being ott. Dementia is a truly horrible disease and your dad deserves to not be touched if you think it is distressing. I just think the carers are just trying to connect and comfort if you see what i mean.

My family were not huggers. I don’t ever remember my mum hugging me. My DH and a DN are the only hugs I actively enjoy and my closest friends are the only people I’ll tolerate hugging me. The thought of a carer rubbing their face against mine fills me with horror. Your poor dad. If ever I find myself in the same position I shall be flinging poo at them.

I miss social distancing.

As a child no family members ever hugged each other - even my parents to me or each other.

I never make the move to hug anyone and will half heartedly participate if anyone tries to hug me (hoping they'll get the message and won't try again)

I hate it. Late 60s and always have. I hugged my dc though. Dd hates them too.

Thanks for all the replies and comments.

DSis and I wonder if carers are actually being trained that touch is a good thing, which was one reason I thought it would be helpful to have a poll here to get a sense of the ratios of people who like/dislike touch.

My on-line reading so far seems always to see touch as positive and therapeutic in this kind of setting. The only mention of it being negative are in relation to past traumas of some kind. I've not seen any acknowledgement at all that some people simply do not want to be touched because they don't like it. Not trauma, no dark past - they just don't want to be touched.

Since my conversation with the key worker, the hugging does seem to have stopped, thankfully. My DSis has seen two of the carers shaking hands with my DF - which is new and we're assuming a replacement for the hugging. But again, it's still touch! Why not just smile and say something nice?! Why this constant need to lay hands on someone?! Grrrr!

Huggers always seem to think their need to hug overrides your desire not to be hugged. Good on you for sticking up for your Dad.

I'm horrified by people saying they never had hugs as children, it's as necessary as food and water.
I'm a hugger and couldn't go through my life without them.

DP, daughter and mum are only people I like to hug. Sadly the in laws are huggers so when we visit its hugs goodbye, I tend to stay with a bottleneck before me so its too awkward to reach me 😆 Also my work team but ive told them im not a hugger so they know its not a personal thing

@Seeingadistance I know you are not even keen on even the handshaking, but someone with dementia can't always interpret a smile or kind word. Touch can lower cortisol in people who might agitated. I do appreciate you and your Sister find it uncomfortable on your dad's behalf,

I am incredibly tactile. But I never, ever hug my SIL. I tried once, and realised it was not her thing. Their family are not huggers, though in recent years MIL will hold my hand if we are out together (this may be more of security thing).

I'm not a hugger. I put both hands up in a STOP gesture and take a step back whilst saying sharply, 'I don't HUG' in a slightly horrified voice.

I have seen lots of people look slightly taken aback and uncomfortable. I do not care. No toucha me.

Thankfully not all, I love a hug and will always offer one if someone seems upset, but I would always ask (even if I know they’re a hugger!) and totally respect if they say no!

OP, I agree with a comment made earlier, if someone isn’t able to voice now whether they are comfortable with touch, then it really should be considered what they have generally always been like

Hmm. I used to hate being hugged by anyone but my nearest and dearest, everyone I knew, knew not to even attempt it.

Then after DH died, and I wasn't getting hugs anywhere else I found all of a sudden I did enjoy a hug, even from almost strangers. I'm quite then hugger now, although I wouldn't go in unsolicited with someone I don't know well. I hap to stop myself touching all sorts of people

So, from my experience I suspect we do all "need" hugs, but when we're getting plenty we can afford to be choosy!

If your Dad is visably uncomfortable with it, they should stop though.

I only like touch from my pets, not humans.

Huggers should not assume their preference is either universal or superior.

Uninvited contact in the context you describe is at best patronising and at worst assault.

The more vulnerable a person is, the less independence they have then their dignity is even more important than ever.

I am retired now but when I was nursing I would never presume to use someone's first name without asking let alone the endearments or unasked for affection some now seem to see as the norm.

Sometimes a bit of respectful and professional formality is all that someone has left, especially if others are having to provide personal care.

It is up to a patient to indicate if they want to give permission to be less formal, and if a patient cannot communicate at all (and there is much to be said without the ability for actual speech) then I would listen to family or friends knowledge of a person as a guide.