Love or hate hugs?

[Seeingadistance]

My elderly DF has extremely advanced dementia and is in a nursing home. We are not a tactile family - not huggers at all! The staff in the nursing home hug my DF, some of them will lean over and actually rub their faces against his.

At a recent meeting with his key worker, I pointed out that my DF was never in the habit of hugging or touching even those closest to him, and that I feel it's inappropriate for carers to do it, especially as he is very vulnerable, can't speak and actually flinches when touched. The key worker seemed quite taken aback by my comments, and as an example I referred to the Covid lockdowns when the huggers wailed about the lack of physical contact and the non-huggers were delighted by it!

Edited to add - any information I've found so far online about hugging and touch in the context of elderly people and care home, tends to assume that touch is therapeutic and welcomed. Now it's on my mind, I've noticed how much the carers do touch the residents - including one interaction I saw on my last visit when a members of staff walked up behind a woman, who has little to no speech, in a wheelchair and stroked her hair, without any warning or even being seen. It was actually quite creepy and in any other context would be clearly inappropriate.

So - that's the background to my question and the poll.

Comments welcome!

I think that a lot of elderly people can feel quite lonely and go years without ever receiving any kind of physical affection. I see it as a nice thing to create connection and a familial feel to a lonely way of life. That’s assuming he’s okay with it but if he’s trying to cringe away from the hug then absolutely I wouldn’t force a hug on him.

I think you are right they should be looking to see his reaction and going from there.

Some things are different though about late-age care and dementia care than your regular everyday interactions. One is that you are touched a lot when you are sick/disabled for things like bed changes, incontinence and so on, so being touched doesn't quite have the same significance as it used to. Presumably no-one would have pulled your dads pants up and down in his former life either and that would have felt highly intrusive whereas now it's the norm, although he might still hate it. The second is often dementia patients are non-verbal so touch is a way of communicating and reassuring.

I guess they care for lots of people with dementia and late old age and have found a way of communicating and calming these people.

If your dad is wincing, you are right to point this out.

I just don't think it's so relevant what he felt before when he was in a different mode of life, many non-huggers do end up with physical care later in life and seem to lean into it, it can be very lonely and isolating, I've seen a family member who was very proper seem to enjoy hugs, hair brushing, care of that type.

You've raised it, they've responded, that seems sensible.

I think their handshaking is to introduce themselves but also break the barrier or physical contact, if a new carer arrives, doesn't touch your dad in any way and then does intimate care that may be much more awkward.

It isn't comparable to our touch in our former lives.

😮😥

Can I ask what your own attitude is to being hugged?

I do absolutely understand what people are saying about carers intending to use touch in a positive and comforting way, and to reduce isolation. However, apart from the fact that touch often causes my DF distress, the carer who rubbed her face against my DF's face did so when my DM, DSis and me were all there, with him.

And yes, he is being touched all the time - because it's necessary for every aspect of his functioning. I've seen women here on MN say that they get "all touched out" when their children are small, to the extent that previously enjoyable and welcomed touch from the partners is just too much. It seems to me that when someone has to be touched by others then maybe they too might get "all touched out", especially if they were not in the habit of physical contact, even with those closest to them.

I only like hugs from DD. I'm a single mum, so DD and I are very close, tactile and cuddly. I was the same with my Mum and loved cuddling her too, but I really struggle with hugging anyone else.

I don't mind being hugged, not super-keen.

My husband was cared for by carers and I also noticed they were quite huggy and affectionate with him.

If he seems upset/pulling away, I think you are right to say something.

After I replied last night, it got me thinking and reminded me of a client I was caring for who was similar to your dad. He was non verbal and bed bound. He too would wince at being touched. That was acknowledged on my first day and touch was kept to a minimum. Lots of reassuring calm tones used when talking to him, explaining clearly what I was doing when I did have to touch him (personal care, feeding etc). I actually ended up having a big argument with another carer who was too full on, in his face and very touchy with him. She ended up being removed from his calls.

Care should be set to the individual, not to what the carer wants.

I loathe physical contact with anyone other than DC or DH.

he is very vulnerable, can't speak and actually flinches when touched

We are not a tactile family - not huggers at all

my DF was never in the habit of hugging or touching even those closest to him

OP, I love a hug but this is not ok.

Besides the above quotes, I can think of at least 20 other reasons why they shouldn't be doing this.

I was really upset to read all of this and also where you said that carers rub their faces with him.

As someone who does like hugs, I always ask. I just don't understand why you wouldn't. I'm so glad you're advocating for him. I haven't read all the responses or your posts but just wanted to say keep advocating. You know him best.

. I'm so glad you're advocating for your DF.

If I were a child, I’d feel that way too.

I grew up in a family that hugged. My brother and I still hug. DH and I hugged our children, they hugged us back and still do. I cannot imagine not touching my children. We’ve also always told them that we love them and they do the same. Likewise with close friends. Anyone else, I would always ask first if it would be okay. If not, that’s fine. People have different tolerances for touch.

This has been a very interesting thread. I agree with OP's view and the many PPs who have given their similar perspectives. Our body's ability to respond to and interpret touch is very sophisticated and, naturally, varies due to personality and all manner of life factors.
From a different angle: in initial training (teaching) we were taught: a) with older children basically don't except, obvs, to save from danger; b) not to be overly touchy-feely with youngers; c) areas of safe-touch (back of the hand; between elbow & shoulder; between shoulder blades); d) to touch lightly. Some experimental evidence shows "touch & praise" enhances the reinforcing effect of the praise (actually, it's "touch, praise, move on", useful when circling the room while children work individually).
In later life I've found, when present with someone's grief, that the lightest touch, with one finger on the back of the hand, can be very comforting (obviously, contextual to the person's ability & desire to receive touch).

There's also evidence (bearing out something I'd believed since childhood), that the intention behind the touch makes a difference (e.g. if you accidentally hit somebody it is felt to be less painful that if you'd hit them deliberately). Thus, a light touch carrying an intent of love, compassion, respect can have an effect.

My family was the same when I was growing up. I can't remember ever having a hug from my Mother (which I think is tragic) though my Dad hugged me if I was upset. My Sister can't stand to be hugged while I love hugging.

'Huggers' seem to think that pressing their body against someone, putting their arms around them and squeezing is a wonderful gift and is warmly welcomed, I disagree. I don't even shake hands. Unless I have indicated that I would like it then fuck the fuck out of my space. And please, no, don't inflict your sodding body on those who cannot even back away.

@Seeingadistance Thank you so much for starting this thread. You've raised a very important subject.

I wouldn't like to be hugged by complete strangers - sorry if I have missed the point......

I am a hugger and come from quite a huggy family (mild hugging, not excessive, but certainly hug my parents every time we part) - but I fully agree with your post here.

i think it’s really important that you have advocated for him and as you say there is so much necessary touch he should have any break he can from it if he’s not the sort of person who would feel reassured by it

The face rubbing absolutely astounds me. After all, who would you do that with in ordinary life? Your children and your lovers. It is an incredibly intimate thing to do and I just can't believe that there are guidelines for carers which include instructions to do that. If my job description demanded I perform that action I wouldn't take the job.

As someone who loves hugs, I found this quite sad to read... but it doesn't mean you're wrong to think it if that is your experience.

Maybe the sadness I felt at you not having a hug is exactly the level of sadness you feel at receiving one. Both are OK.

I just wanted to say: keep advocating for you. Make your feelings known. It's so important. So much as I would find no hugs sad - it would be awful to receive a hug when I did not want one.

I always teach my children to ask for hugs and tell them there is always a hug if they want one - but I'd never insist one was given or received. Your post has made me adamant that I'm going to continue this.

Thank you for sharing. Keep being you!

@Maybejust - thanks for your post. but just to clear things up; I don't feel sad when I'm hugged. I am rarely hugged against my will because I can spot huggers and I indicate with my demeanour that I don't want one. They'd have to lunge and grab at me and huggers don't generally do that. If despite my efforts someone inflicted a hug upon me I wouldn't be sad, I would be outraged.

So would I. Crazy to think that anyone might feel that insisting on hugs is ok.

Your post just highlighted this even more to me, that's all.

I love hugging my toddler... Apart from him its a massive no!

We are not a family of huggers either even though we are all very close. My dear mum has advanced Alzheimer’s and she has home carers, several of them love giving mum big hugs and although I think it’s nice in many ways I’m not too sure if mum likes it but it’s so hard with advanced dementia especially as mum is also fairly non verbal, I love that her carers genuinely appear to care for her so I leave it be, if mum was making any kind of fuss I’d tell them to leave it off but good carers are hard to come by so we don’t say anything.

Personally I only tolerate hugs from my dh but I’m ND so not into much physical contact although I am a very kind and caring person, I just focus my affection in other ways.