Love or hate hugs?

[Seeingadistance]

My elderly DF has extremely advanced dementia and is in a nursing home. We are not a tactile family - not huggers at all! The staff in the nursing home hug my DF, some of them will lean over and actually rub their faces against his.

At a recent meeting with his key worker, I pointed out that my DF was never in the habit of hugging or touching even those closest to him, and that I feel it's inappropriate for carers to do it, especially as he is very vulnerable, can't speak and actually flinches when touched. The key worker seemed quite taken aback by my comments, and as an example I referred to the Covid lockdowns when the huggers wailed about the lack of physical contact and the non-huggers were delighted by it!

Edited to add - any information I've found so far online about hugging and touch in the context of elderly people and care home, tends to assume that touch is therapeutic and welcomed. Now it's on my mind, I've noticed how much the carers do touch the residents - including one interaction I saw on my last visit when a members of staff walked up behind a woman, who has little to no speech, in a wheelchair and stroked her hair, without any warning or even being seen. It was actually quite creepy and in any other context would be clearly inappropriate.

So - that's the background to my question and the poll.

Comments welcome!

Oh, I agree that he almost certainly can't comprehend or even be aware of a smile or kind word, but those are non-invasive actions.

As I've pointed out - he flinches from touch, and to have someone get right up close and personal and rub their face against his is completely inappropriate. He is unable to give consent, he is unable to move away. He has a long lifetime behind him of not seeking or receiving that kind of intimate physical contact. I have no reason to believe it lowers his cortisol and it often makes him very agitated when he was previously calm.

I have come across this attitude in medical professionals before and it makes me feel so frustrated.
It's as if training that is based on the majority of people, is used to inform every situation even when there is clear evidence it isn't right for this person.
So the idea that 'people need touch' is used to overule the person saying "I do not like to be hugged" it's so dehumanising. Not everyone is the same.

I like hugging my DC and DH and that’s it. It makes me feel so uncomfortable if anyone else tries to hug me and I’ll actively avoid being put in that position.
I’d find it horrendous to have someone hugging/touching me if I wasn’t able to tell them not to.

I was always brought up with no hugs or kisses from my parents. They always said there was no need as we knew we was loved. Then when I became a mother myself I changed because I hug and kiss my children all the time and when they see there grandmother that's the only surviving grandparent they feel she comes across as a cold hearted person.

I don't think carers should be randomly hugging people, it should be down to the patient to initiate a hug or contact.

I've been a hug hater since birth though! Apparently as a baby I would cry if picked up until I was put down and only hugged my parents as thanks for presents (they knew I hated it but it was the only hugs they got!LOL). People touching me still creeps me out.

Nobody hugged anyone in my family when I was a child, nor did I ever see it in anyone else's families. It didn't make our lives any less happy than if we'd been hugged.

I was horrified when I joined OH's family to find out that I was expected to put up with being hugged and kissed by all and sundry.

No. Just leave me alone.

Hugs for DH, DSs, DGKids plus partners. And the cat.

One of the very few benefits of the Covid era was that the obligation to go around kissing all friends when meeting at social occasions was removed.
Sadly, we are now back to kisses when greeting anyone we vaguely know.

Another non hugger here. My child (8) is even becoming a bit too touchy now 😆 but I try tolerate it
Someone recently became upset at work and everyone in the team hugged her - except me. I just can’t do it under any circumstances

I am a hugger with people I know well.

However, I'm also a carer. Whilst I work in community so different setting to your DF, I do work with a lot of people with various stages of dementia. Personally I feel the carers for your DF are pushing a boundary and being unprofessional. Yes touch can be beneficial, to some. The individual must be receptive to that. If they are not, especially if they are flinching, then it is absolutely inappropriate and will have a negative impact on them.
In 15 years of working community, I can count on my fingers the number of clients I have hugged. But it has always been appropriate and with consent as well as well documented as to what and why. (CARE Cover Arse, Remain Employed!). However, I do reassure through touch, a gentle hand on their arm or on top of their hand as I'm talking to them, possibly a gentle stroke on their arm with my thumb. I had one lady who enjoyed her hair being stroked, I would only do that when it has been expressed by the individual or by their family. Never in a million years would I be rubbing faces with a client!!!
Well done you for advocating for him. I am sorry that you are in a position that you're having to.

I really do think in the absence of the person being able to communicate their preferences, it would be best to ask family.

My mum has dementia. She is currently in hospital with a few others with the same. It is crazy how it affects everyone so differently. But I notice that personality traits tend still to peek through and so too then, should notice be given for their individual wishes and comfort levels on this kind of thing.

Elderly people regardless of dementia should be treated with dignity and respect. It can be hard when dementia renders some folk into a bit of a child like state, but that shouldn't mean there is a green light to touch and baby them.
We all know its not appropriate to just touch and hug and kiss someone's child. It should be the same rules for someone's elderly person, even if there are good intentions behind it.

I’m a property surveyor and often meet elderly people day to day.. most are delighted when I shake their hand and today one gave me a hug! I love it! The handshake to me is a sign of respect.

In saying that you know your father and can advocate on his behalf!

Staff should absolutely be led by the family. My Nan would have hated being touched by anyone or hugged. Most of my older relatives would feel the same.

Personally I’m a selective hugger, got better as years go on. I don’t remember being hugged as a child and it was certainly not an I love you house, however I have always hugged my close friends at school. DH and I hug and I hug my DCs, I’ve always felt very lucky all my babies loved hugs and cuddles. Would I want strangers hugging me though, probably not.

I’m not a hugger, I dislike most forms of physical contact including from my husband. I detest kissing too.

unfortunately both my kids are huggers so I’ve had to get used to that. My DH gets his hugs from the kids mainly but I will occasionally hug him. It is quite saddening how happy it makes him to get a small amount of affection but he’s happy to make do.

My idea of hell would be to end up in the situation OP’s father is in and have physical touch forced on me and not being able to do anything about it.

I was definitely starved of affection as a kid and this could be partly why I hate it now. Oddly as my mum has got older she’s become a hugger so now DH and I have to hug her when she can be bothered to see us. My dad hugged me at my wedding and we both burst into tears. Cannot remember him hugging me before that for at least 30 years.

We didn't get hugs growing up and I don't want them or hand shaking now.
However, I always had a cat who slept with me and he was kissed and hugged (he did enjoy the attention, I promise!)
I have always had a pet cat, my wee one is beside me just now.
I worked for a while in a care home 40 years ago and I don't remember the residents getting hugged by the staff.

I like hugs from my DH, DD and my parents. Loathe random people hugging me. In a care home setting I don't think it's appropriate for people to get close to people's faces because of spreading germs to people who may be already clinically vulnerable.

Where did you get the bag?
I want one too!

Maybe teepublic. It was during Covid so it was all the rage!

The staff being so physcially affectionate is a good indicator that your father is in a place where the staff genuinely care and feel that the residents are like family. However even as a hugger I agree that you are doing the right thing for your Dad by bringing it up. It may be that now his mind has changed so much he might not mind or might find it reassuring, but as you’ve seen evidence it makes him uncomfortable you’ve absolutely done the right thing by advocating for him.

The other factor as we come into winter is that people getting right into his face increases the risk of him catching winter bugs.

You and @Seeingadistance are right of course people have the right not to be touched if they don't want it or never liked it but care professionals touch people to have a connection especially with people with dementia, the op has every right not to want her father overly touched, i was just trying to say that carers would be trying to positively connect with the ops father, rather than just touching him when he needs washed or changed etc, which might be a horrible negative experience for him.

I would hate that and I applaud you for advocating for your dad.
I hug my DS but no desire to hug any other human ever. (I will happily hug most animals though)

Definitely from nearest and dearest only.

I understand where you're coming from. As I've said, pretty much all the information I've found on this on-line takes the view that touch is positive and therapeutic - with the exceptions being for those people who've had negative past experiences or trauma. None of the information I've found acknowledges that for some people touch is simply unwelcome and unwanted - not because of trauma etc, just their personal preference.

So, I decided to do a poll here. Right now 144 people have voted.

Only 19% would be happy to received a hug from anyone.
A similar proportion, 18%, don't want to be hugged by anyone at all.
63% only want to be hugged by their nearest and dearest.

So, this suggests that the "touch is therapeutic" approach in a care setting is likely to mean that 81% of people are at best tolerating and at worst being actively distressed by being hugged or touched by staff. That is really quite shocking!

And what makes it so much worse is that many of these people are unable to speak or to move. Even if they are able to express themselves, they may choose not to as they are entirely dependent on the care home staff. These are very vulnerable individuals and should not be subjected to treatment which they would not choose if they had any choice in the matter.

A comparable example (and this is possibly another area where people's preferences are being ignored) is the visiting therapy pets. If a resident with dementia has a life-long fear of dogs, it would be entirely inappropriate to force them to pat or be close to a therapy dog - irrespective of how positive an experience that might be for others.

I hate hugging,yuk!😏

My mum was never hugged as a child.

She made a point of reversing this with me and my siblings and I didn’t know it didn’t come naturally to her until she told me when I was adult. She assured me that she welcomed hugs from us.

I am a hugger, but live alone and mainly get hugs when visiting my adult sons. Happy to hug other huggers, but don’t seek it out.