Struggles with "gifted" 8 yo boy

[Veryoverwhelmedmummy]

I'm not quite sure how to formulate my question. DS is wickedly clever but also so much work. We moved abroad when he was 4, DD was born shortly thereafter, and he then started reception. He was always an extremely happy baby and got on well with others at nursery in the UK. But when he started school here, he was bullied and his personality completely changed. He was frequently angry, withdrawn, had toileting accidents, etc. I Felt like I didn't know him anymore. Because of all of the behavioural changes and not doing well in school, we had him assessed (at 6 years) and it was determined he has a massive IQ (>140) and no signs of AdHD or ASD. The terminology they use here is "gifted" and he does tick many of those boxes (very clever, big emotions, sensitive to fairness and justice, wants to know rationale for everything.)

But he's just so much work. He is 8 next week and we can't seem to get on top of the toilet accidents. He's been seen by a paediatrician, physio, and a paediatric urologist. They started him on medication (First for constipation, later for overactive bladder) but it still happens, especailly when he is stressed or overwhelmed, or goes into his head and his mental world. I don't know how to help him anymore. As he gets older and I see the differences between him and DD, I wonder whether there is more going on with his development than just giftedness, but when we talk to professionasl they seem to think it's all within normal age bounds. But I ask myself when would we reconsider assessment? DH is much more patient with him and quite content to not pursue further testing (and I reckon he's right, if I look at the questionnaires I still can't tick enough boxes to get even close to a diganosis) but still he seems so, I don't know, quirky? And I wonder if as he grows older he will actually grow out of some of these things, or whether they will become more pronounced.

He’s 8. I’m the parent of a ‘gifted child’ and it was be more of a curse then a gift.
Who carried out your assessment?

Moving abroad, birth of a sibling, possibly a new language and huge changes are all huge.

What does he do for relax, downtime, sports, wellbeing and mental relax? What does he do to encourage his positive behaviour ?
eg reward charges? What actions are in place for negative behaviour?

You are asking a huge questions. My child is now 19 and hasn’t found life easy despite straight level 9 at GCSE and A* at A levels.

He was so badly bullied at 4 years old that he completely changed?

Could you not have moved him?

Have you even read the post? He was happy as a 4 year old in nursery, problems started at reception equivalent. Theres also nothing that indicates that he was being bullied

You need to read the Op more carefully

try again

Ahh i missed the word bullied when the op was talking about his new i thought you were talking about his nursery experience. My bad

Right

All of this. Also agree. We had similar issues with our gifted DD, also moved country when she was aged 4. She was never easy, now aged 19 and at Cambridge, always A grades and never in “trouble” at school, but lots and lots of friendship issues. Seemingly it’s all better now she’s at uni, but my god it has been a slog to get us here in one piece with sanity intact. She was diagnosed very late with autism (only last year), same type of issue as you - not ticking enough boxes to seem “really” autistic. My advice would be to pursue a diagnosis if you have the energy and can afford the time/cost of waiting (either private or NHS, both difficult to get sorted). Good luck.

Apologies, my OP wasn't clear. We did move him after the bullying and he's doing brilliantly at his new school. Loads of friends, does well academically, no behavioural issues from teachers. (He can be a bit silly and has lots of energy but they all say that is very much normal for his age.) Except afterschool is a bit of a wild card, he can be sweet and lovely with DD, play quietly on his own for ages, but can also throw a massive strop that goes on and on (literally, 45 minutes of yelling.)

Yes, he went through massive changes when we moved, the move alone completely turned his world upside down, let alone having a new sibling and starting school! It's just that it feels we should be a bit past that by now (it's been nearly four years) but from what I understand about gifted children, they might be extra sensitive? I just have no idea how to parent him and I'm really struggling. It's also frustrating because DH seems to be more patient and just intuits more of what DS needs and I can see him getting irritated with me when I lose my patience. It's not a good situation.

Does he have toilet accidents at school?

Also, he does fitness twice a week, swimming twice a week, loves to read and do Lego. He never says he's bored at home, always dreaming up a new project to build. But if he's tired, hungry, etc, then it's extremely hard for hi to regulate. We've never had to avoid parties or museums or anything but I do try to build in rest for him. (We'll do something one weekend day and the other is reserved for quiet home play time.)

I am reading it that multiple professionals and his school are all telling you this his behaviour is within the “normal bounds” and your husband is also pretty unconcerned.

Is he behaving like this more around you? Maybe letting off steam?

That is normal… having to build in rest with an 8 yr old

Almost never, sometimes he'll have a small wee spot at the end of the day. I can't get into his head to understand if he just holds it too long or sort of dissociates from his body. At home it is mostly when he's deeply engaged in something but we do notice an uptick during stressful periods (starting a new year at school for example.) During the summer holiday he had zero accidents and we thought we were past this...

So it really isn’t sounding like a big problem?

zero accidents over summer hooodays
very rarely at school (a small wee spot is totally normal!!)
so just at home with you when focussed on something?

Get him assessed by a sensory integration therapist

@Lemonbiccie thank you, yes many people say he's normal for his age. But I can't believe all children are this much work (especially compated to DD, who is an incredibly calm and relaxed human who is keen to follow rules!) DH has been worried about him for many years, but also seems to understand him much better than I can. However, it still takes lots of work to parent him.

You sound like a brilliant mum.

Stable Children behave worse at home.

If the professionals aren’t worried, that’s a good problem to have.

But for your sake I’d look into tantrum management.

You've described him as quirky, has big emotions, hard work, needs to know the rationale for everything and has toileting issues. Plus he has a high IQ. I think he is ticking a lot of boxes for Autism. Who did the assessment when he was 6?

I think he’s letting off steam with you

If he is very hard work but also very intelligent he is likely autistic but very good at masking hence why professionals don’t see an issue. I don’t think it’s typical for 8 year olds to frequently have toilet accidents and the struggles around regulation sound like an autistic trait. Are you sure he is being well suppirted at school? My eldest is autistic and gifted and can be neglected at school because no behaviour issues and no struggles at all academically but it doesn’t mean that emotionally they are fine.

I appreciate it’s probably easier said than done but could you actively work on trying not to analyse or compare him? It sounds like you are working yourself up about it more than everyone else on his life? I don’t mean to diminish the actual issues but children are different and everyone is telling you he’s in range.

it sounds a little like you are trying to find an explanation for why you find him so hard to parent?

My DGS is also very clever he’s on the spectrum and has a statement for a 1-1 which has helped enormously

@Supersimkin7 thank you, that's very kind! I don't feel like a good mum at all, I'm often on my last nerve with him

@UnbeatenMum He was assessed by a very well-regarded neuropsychiatrist, one who also specialises in 2E children. She said she really didn't see evidence of either ADHD or ASD. Which makes sense as he just doesn't tick the boxes for ASD, but a few (but far from the critical number) for ADHD. Yet he does have things that don't show up on the assessment forms, like some sensory things (always wants his shoes tied extremely tight, puts his hood over if he's feeling nervous) and does seem to enjoy running about and rollercoasters but no other obvious sensory issues.

@heedlesschicken he's being extremely well-supported at school. Loads of friends, attentive teachers, good communication, small class sizes. His end of year evaluations last year were glowing.

@42goingon14 I appreciate your honesty and perspective. Really, when I've talked to professionals they look at me like I've got two heads. Of course 7-8 yo boys are exhausting and annoying and loads of work! But I'm then faced with the uncomfortable truth that I'm just a bad mum then who can't parent her collie of a son very well 😥 Honestly I do think I need to work harder at understanding hm. But I also think, he's 8, he shouldnt be having toilet accidents anymore, right? And massive (45 minutes!) strops because he doesn't want to eat what's served for dinner?

He may need more mental stimulation like chess or complex puzzles. Ds very similar but did not have issues with going to the loo. He got angry through frustration and needed more difficult work as well as lots of exercise. His brother is totally different, calm as a cucumber and so laid back. If he is gifted then he needs parententing a bit differently.