How do full-time working parents find time beyond work and childcare?

[exceptmeandmymonkey]

I work full-time in a global corporate role, usually 7:30 a.m.- 5:00 p.m., plus a little bit of extra work in the evening. DH is in a similar role, but starts later (he's roughly 9 a.m.–6:15 p.m.). We don't have family nearby. The kids are in primary school and use after-school club until I collect them.

I'm naturally quite introverted, mid 40s, and struggling with peri at the moment (on HRT but still have low mood and joint pain). DH is very involved and pulls his weight.

I'm lucky to have a steady job in this environment, and we have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm crumbling. Most days it feels as though I get on a treadmill at 7:30am and don't step off until about 8 p.m., when the kids are in bed. Then I have an hour of watching TV because I have no energy to do anything else, before doing it all again the next day. On weekends children have a club each morning, then we have chill family time (e.g. playground, park, pub) in the afternoon.

The children are wonderful if somewhat full-on, DH is a good guy, and I feel lucky to be employed. I just don't feel like I'm enjoying my life very much at the moment and find myself being grouchy and impatient because I feel so spent.

So, genuinely: if you work full-time with primary-aged children, what does your life look like outside work/childcare/admin? How do you make time for hobbies/friends/etc?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who don't have a big family support network. I feel like I'm missing something obvious.

I don't know either. OP. I went down to 4 longer days a week on this basis and my house still looks like a squat. I genuinely have no idea when I'm meant to find time for everything...

Thank you for saying this, even if you don't know the answer. Sometimes I feel silly to complain given that so many people are struggling to even pay bills, whereas my issue is that I'm lucky to have full-time employment but I'm pouring out of an empty cup trying to do childcare well and a full-time job.

It gets better then the children reach secondary school. Our youngst is 13 now and I can see a friend for coffee at 3pm after work. And yes we both work full time.

I had 2 kids at 20/23, worked full time doing 40/50 hours a week. Exh and i managed childcare between us with mils help. I wasn’t tired, I got on with it and still went round town with friends on a weekend. I also did 5k every Sunday.
i had 1 child at 38, went back to work part time. I am permanently exhausted. I eat so healthily, rarely drink alcohol, drink 3 litres of water a day, work out several times a week and I take collegen and creatinine. Hrt has helped somewhat with energy levels, night sweats and insomnia.
I think it’s just getting older.

I can choose a social life or energy.

So neither of us work set hours like you have as both self employed and we have a lot of flexibility.

A couple things: we do more on weekday evenings. My dc have sports and clubs in the evenings, to about 7:30-9pm depending on the day (they are late primary and secondary so admittedly not possible with little ones). We pack more into weekdays but maybe less at weekends.

I don’t watch tv ever. When I finish tidying and sorting everything for the next day, which is about 9:30-10pm, I go to bed, about the same time as dc do.

We don’t have any standing commitments on weekends. Occasionally, dc will have a sports competition, but as a rule, I do not book anything for weekends. They are free time. So we have all day both days for anything we want to do.

Dh and I also both use time when dc are in activities for things we want to do. So one of us will drop eldest off to training and then go for a run. Or I might go meet friends for coffee and then swing back and collect her on my way home.

We both take time on the weekends as needed. Dh will take them out for the afternoon and I’ll have a nap. Or I’ll take them to do the food shop and Dh goes mountain biking with a friend. We don’t have to do something altogether every weekend. We don’t have any family support, but also means we don’t have many family obligations either! We don’t have to set aside much time for seeing family or wider family events.

Is there any way you could reduce your hours? I think with a stressful full-time job it's difficult to avoid feeling like this to be honest. I'm a single mum of one primary age child (no other parent though family close by), I have managed to carve out a fairly flexible work set up where I probably average 3.5 days a week. I don't have tons of money, can just about cover everything but could certainly be more comfortable. But I've turned down full time roles I would otherwise be interested in because I just don't think I could actually cope with the constant treadmill as you describe, I need those extra weekday hours to manage everything in the home and get in the occasional exercise class!

@mindutopia I think you're on to something, which is that it would be better if we didn't have something 7 days per week.

We do have clubs, but they don't go late (some are part of after-school club). The weekend activities are ones I'm not keen to stop because they're good for the kids (dance and swimming) but I think once they get to a level of competent swimming, I might suggest we either pause lessons or try to shift to a weekend evening so we have one day every week unscheduled.

You’re both working a lot of hours - you’re working 10+ hours a day if you’re doing some in the evenings too and your husband is working more than a standard 9-5 too. That’s a lot so it’s not surprising you’re so time poor. Assume you are outsourcing some stuff if you can as that does really help. We have a cleaner every week which is a godsend.

DH works five days 8-4 and I work three days (DD2 is still at home with me two days a week) and am reluctant to add more because of falling into this kind of trap (we don’t have any family support or help with childcare, it’s just us) but we still have to divide and conquer to allow us both time. We don’t generally spend all weekend every weekend in a family unit, we sort of split and take turns at doing our own things, some things all together, one of might do something with one kid and the other with another. We try not to over-schedule weekends so we keep clubs generally to weekday evenings and keep it sensible. I insist on free evenings where no one is rushing around.

I do think that generally one can’t ’have it all’, no matter what some people will have you believe. None of my close friends have two parents working those kind of hours five days a week with young kids, most have one parent (and for a couple this is the dad) working fewer hours, compressed hours, and those who do work full time tend to have quite flexible jobs. It’s not that it’s not possible but there are limits to how much you can do when you’re working 50 hour weeks and have children at extra curriculars at the weekends. You can’t magic time up. So I don’t think you are don’t anything wrong or missing anything, that’s just the lifestyle with be kind of working pattern and age of kids you have.

DH and I gave each other a weekend morning. He used his to lie in, I would go to the gym or pool or just get away from the house.
Without family support its hard going, but gets better as the kids get older and you can leave them of an evening.

I have friends who carve out time- eg on Thursday night date night, weekend a new family hike, go visiting etc. they say they’re exhausted but it’s necessary and it seems to invigorate them. We don’t do this and we’re stale and our relationship is all but gone- life is work kids house.

Its work and kids with a few things stuffed around the edges.

I am trying to work back up to gym 2 x pw but am settling oldest in school right now.

I totally agree with the comments about compressed hours making things easier. Unfortunately I work for a US-based company and have an American manager, who has rejected every flexible working request on the team.

My lesson from this: the hours are probably too long for this stage in my life, and I would definitely look for a UK-based employer in the future as I do feel flexible were normal at other places where I worked, even for directors/heads of/senior managers. Maybe this is just a 'hang on for now, things will get better' situation.

We only have one DD6 who does a couple of after-school clubs (separate to wrap around care) and only one activity on the weekend. I’m usually finished work by 5:30pm, DH often out til later. We tag team to get some time to ourselves, and our most-seen friends we met at nursery so we typically see them on weekends along with the kids so shoehorn in a social life that way.

As you are starting work so early, do you also cover APAC? I do my best work in the morning and can really struggle with afternoon/evening meetings with US teams, particularly if I've been on early to work with APAC.

It can be too easy to let your days creep into both early mornings and late evenings when you are in the middle time zone and you end up always being "on" - are there any strategies you can put in place with your team to manage this either through shifting responsibilities around or having hard blocks in your diary?

This is us, I wfh Monday and Friday and that helps a LOT. We kind of go go go. The dc have lots of sport, there is sport every day, we have just finished the season for competitivf basketball, regular basketball and football,so there isnt something every single night this week but still most. 😂 there isn’t much us time, I go for a run on the weekend and try and exercise late evenings on weeknights semi regularly. We love them, we spend weekends catching up on housework and cooking and washing between getting dc to matches and training and ballet, and accept the grind… I’m doing a bit more reading etc this year, my youngest is 4, and that’s awesome. I try and sit down with my book with the dc reading their books too for 20 minutes in the evening. We have a cleaner, and someone who helps in the garden a bit.

What do you do while the kids are doing weekend activities? Have a plan (exercise, collect the food shop) instead of sitting about on your phone or watching them. Make friends with another parent and split the load - one of you drops, one picks up, or alternate weeks. Assuming you are earning decent money with those working hours, do you outsource everything you can? You will have time, but it is time confetti scattered about the week. Try to join it up which will feel better and be more useful. A babysitter to put the kids to bed once a week so you can do a hobby or go for a run? Definitely try to corral activities to weekdays or at least to one weekend day. Take turns with DH to have a morning/afternoon off - but you will probably feel better if you DO something with it rather than sitting on the sofa and faff on your phone. You feel like you’re on a treadmill, but will feel better if you feel like you have some agency over your time. You have the power!

I work FT and have 2 DC, one secondary and one primary. We have no family support, we do have a great childminder which I am so grateful for. But tbh I am exhausted with no time to myself at all. My weekends are recovery.
I am about to drop down to a 4 day week. Life is too short for this and we have made some cut backs so can afford to do this. I think with no family support it’s very difficult to carve out any me time and work FT.

It’s not quite us though as I clearly have more flex- my boss is great and my company is great. I do do evening meetings, dial in from holidays, but there’s give and take. I get to the office at 9:30 on office days.

I don't quite work full time (30 hours) but nearly and it is still just as manic. I don't have weekly help from family as they live too far away but do have holiday help.

It takes a lot of work and planning. Being organised is key.
We have a yearly plan around what childcare when, which adult with which child at which activity on which day, what adult gets what hobby time on what day etc so everything is balanced and fair. This includes weekends. It works for the majority of the time and we go over it every sunday to make sure out week is ok.

Friend met ups are planned months in advance but that works as most of the people I see are also mums with 2 or more children like me. I already have my half term and Christmas met ups planned in.

I have found over the 4 years since DC1 started school that if it isn't planned in in advance it won't happen. Although it seems crazy to have months planned out in advance, it does actually mean I get gym time as well as DH every week. We both get met ups with friends periodically and we also have things planned in as a family.

It's exactly this! I speak to APAC first thing in the morning, but often have to pick up with the US after I've collected my children and they're home watching tv. Trying to cover 'the middle' does make the day go on, but I sympathize for my colleagues in APAC who I often see online at 9 or 10 p.m. local time, yawning away during meetings. Sure hope they get paid well!

I agree with your thinking, in general!

They are still small (5 and 7) so their activities are short and hands-on (e.g. they both have 25 minute swim lessons, but one starts 10 minute after the other, so one parent is always with a kid who is waiting/getting changed/going in/getting out).

The confetti analogy is great -- I do feel like that, that there are 15 minutes here and there, and I do get to enjoy a coffee sometimes (unlike babyhood!!) but occasionally I want 2 hours off that feel genuinely refreshing, versus those same 2 hours in itty bitty segments.

Most people don't work 9-10 hours a day - or at least, if they do, they have a partner who doesn't.

I'm not surprised you're exhausted working the hours you do.

Agree with PP that your hours are very long especially if you are doing extra in the evening OP. There's full time and there's full time. DH and I both have full time contracts but they are public sector 37.5 hours a week, no expectation of evening or weekend working. I work 8.30-4.30 and he does a later start (to do the morning school run) and generally does compressed hours so he does 5 days compressed into 4 or 4.5 days so he can do school pickup on Fridays.
Add in a short commute (under 30 mins) and at least one day a week WFH for us each and we are managing without local family help.

Hired help in the form of a cleaner and gardener, Gousto boxes, one day off a week with no clubs / activities. It is exhausting. Waiting for redundancy to come my way!