How to manage plans with a friend whose ADHD affects reliability

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

My friend has got quite bad ADHD so I'm fairly used to this. They arranged a meet up with me. Suggested the date and said it would go into the diary. She is great fun and I enjoy her company. Quite scatty.

The only day I don't work we arrange to meet up. The day rolls around on Friday. No time has been set so I chase her up. She is busy. Hasn't thought to tell me she has had a emergency. It was my one day off and I had put it aside for her.

I know it's the ADHD. I should have confirmed a time with her on Thursday evening. Normally if she was just scatty I'd let the friendship slide but I know she can't help it.

What's best way of dealing with this going forward? My free time is precious

@BoldandFiercebutLovely be honest, if your friend never contacted you again, would you notice?

Object permanence i do think is a major issue. But using that as a strength, for that reason I dont think my change will register. She will presume im still there in the background patiently waiting for her life to settle and with non judgemental understanding. And I will be. But from being the prospective of being amazed if I ever see her again. From her perception nothing will change and she wont notice I no longer chase her up. I will say yes to whatever she asks, but asking her to arrange and remind me, which she can not manage.

Two of my kids are diagnosed with ADHD and its just too much on top. I dont want to correct or save her and never have. Just have a functioning friendship with some real connection. but its not possible. I know she really belives life is just a bit hectic right now and one day there will be time in her mind. But she always been like this its just getting worse. My kids are different as im not seeking them out to invite that dynamic in.

@NotPerfectlyAdverage I would eventually notice- 6 months or more maybe! I would not think badly of her if I had noticed that did not get in touch for ages though, and I certainly wouldn’t expect her to be sat round waiting for me to get in touch. Her dearness to me as a friend is not linked to how often we see each other, it’s about the connection we have when we do. Frequency or (in)consistency doesn’t change that and when we do get together we just pick up where we left off. How well I think of her does not depend on how available we are to spend time together. We have gone a couple of years without meeting up in the past, we are in our 50’s now and have known each other since 18.

I recognise that this is not how everyone thinks of friendships though, and quality time is a factor for lots of folk.

You have set a boundary for yourself which can only be a good thing, I wasn’t trying to convince you to feel any different than you do.

Even if your friend has recognised how let down you are by her behaviour (and I bet she will on some level) whether the two of you are in touch often enough and who initiates the contact might not be how she judges the value of you and your friendship. The two of you might just be using different measures. It can only ever be the right thing to make the decisions that align with yours

Thank you, that's very helpful honestly. I have old friends that I rarely see and rarely talk to, but as you say we just fall back into place when we meet up its like time stood still and we are 17 again. But this isn't such long decades old friendship and theres no point back in time where we was a thick as thieves. But she is such a wonderful person. We have the same sence of humour ( which is rare). I think i just want that meet up a few times a year ( we live just miles apart) to feel connected and we cant acheive that. Or a decent talk that isn't "let's meet soon so we can properly catch up". Our entire relationship revolves around the idea we will be meeting up soon and not much else.

I think when / if she does reach out again ( she will) im going to be a bit gently honest with her while still leaving everything in her court. Definitely dont want to upset or hurt her but cant pretend this works for me as is either. Maybe just along the lines of i miss her company and I wish we could actually make the time but still do the "you set the date and remind me nearer the time" at least I have said how I feel. It won't change anything.

Are you trying to meet up too often? Could you go to her house instead? I imagine what feels like normal life and challenges to you may feel very different to her and she may not be able to fit enough in. You're not obligated to see her though and I'm sure she'd rather friends who aren't frustrated by her.