How to manage plans with a friend whose ADHD affects reliability

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

My friend has got quite bad ADHD so I'm fairly used to this. They arranged a meet up with me. Suggested the date and said it would go into the diary. She is great fun and I enjoy her company. Quite scatty.

The only day I don't work we arrange to meet up. The day rolls around on Friday. No time has been set so I chase her up. She is busy. Hasn't thought to tell me she has had a emergency. It was my one day off and I had put it aside for her.

I know it's the ADHD. I should have confirmed a time with her on Thursday evening. Normally if she was just scatty I'd let the friendship slide but I know she can't help it.

What's best way of dealing with this going forward? My free time is precious

I think messaging the day before and confirming the plans are still going ahead and at the pre-arranged times or a new time to suit.

People are so busy these days with lots going on, me and my friends tend to do this without an ADHD diagnosis.

I'm pretty sure I have ADHD and Autism too so I'm quite disorganised but rule bound ( met via kids SEN). She said she was putting it into her diary and then said she was looking forward to it a few days before.

Emergency was just non specific school issue. But the issue is I didn't cross her mind if / when school phoned. So she had made the plans, confirmed the plans in the following days, written it into her diary. Then forgot.

I normally let her plan it then see if she contacts me to set a time.

She is much better if we are meeting for something else with others in a big group.

And there in lies the issue. I put in the reminders, but put them in on the wrong day or looked on the wrong day to check when I'm free and double booked. Or thought I had put it in but had obly thought about it but then i'd seen another event in my diary and got distracted about that.

I am much better now I'm older but as do many people with ADHD have a very busy social life with loads of groups of friends plus work plus playing in two teams and having 4 kids its hard to keep track.

This weekend we have between us 7 social events and 5 sporting things to go to. And as 4 out of 5 of us have adhd we are all equally rubbish at keeping on top of it all.

This is telling. If she can show up for group events then she can do better for you. ADHD is a factor but not the only factor here in her not holding you in mind. You're not unreasonable to feel cross. Was she apologetic? The next meeting would be the test for me- if she sets extra reminders or tries harder not to let you down

No she didn't apologise actually.

We are supposed to be meeting a mutual friends birthday next week. I'm going to leave it and see if she brings it up then I know she can't help it. I get that. But she books meet up and let's me down. You can't help but get a bit paranoid that she doesn't see my time as important or my plans. I'm sure that's not true but honestly it's still ego denting.

Thing is if we meet at the birthday and I have no firm plans to leave after we will chat for hours and hours. Because we are both there. So it's more like filling in time ad hoc. Because she can't show up if it's solely for me.

But if we arrange to meet up specifically more often than not she forgets. I can not wonder if it's not just the ADHD. Another of friends has AuADHD and says my mates ADHD is unbearable. We have multiple kids with SEN each so tolerance is high of ADHD. So this shows just how scatty she can be. But I really do like her, scatty or not. She doesn't work. I do..

so when she can be bothered? or something she really wants to go to, rather than just the best option at the time?

I think you're being too nice OP.
You can be a careless/rude person AND have ADHD.
She literally said she was putting it in her diary and clearly didn't! Or she doesn't check her diary in which case putting it in is pointless. It's really bad that she didn't apologise too.

It's up to you, if you don't want to start anything all you can do is message her repeatedly before you meet up, so like you said message at the start of the week 'Just checking we are still on for Friday?' and then again on Thursday afternoon.
The worst that might happen is she finds that a bit annoying/offensive, but it's in no way as annoying as being stood up last minute.

The other thing I'd say is not be as nice when she 'forgets.' I don't mean have a big go at her, but instead of saying 'No worries, we can catch up soon,' something like. 'Okay, I wish you could have told me earlier though, this is my only day off this week, I could have made other plans.'

You answered your own question, confirm ahead of time, let her know when your on your way etc m, also build the event up e.g. get her involved in choosing the venue or let her know how much effort you’ve put into it

I had a friend (undiagnosed ADHD) she would be late, or never ready to go out when I got round to her house and she would take several hours to get ready whilst I would wait around.
Eventually I arranged to meet her in town (away from her house) at a certain time. She would make it then as I think it was rude being left on my own. It worked.
Weirdly enough, I have since been diagnosed with ADHD myself!!! (My time blindness is opposite, I am hours early to things and spend my life waiting around for appointments)

That happens to me sooo often. I set reminders, they go off, I say right have to leave in 10 mins, then something distracts me and I suddenly look up 30+mins later to see that I am very very late now

As for forgetting events. I check my calendar for the day but if I have more than one thing or event, the time or nature of the second one gets forgotten as soon as I come out of the calendar .

It is really difficult to explain. Today I have been at work discussing our awayday tomorrow. The whole team is in that, I have been involved in arranging it. I am leading a section of it.

I got an email Friday with a request for some urgent work. As a follow-up to hat I contact a member of my team ask for a meeting tomorrow so I can brief her, ' ahh boss: she says " we have the away day tomorrow, we just finished discussing it 15 mins ago "

This sort of thing happens to me pretty much every day,.sometimes several times. It gets particularly bad when I am stressed or very busy or have lots of last minute work requests to sort out

DH regularly sends me reminders via text as to things I have in the diary for the weekend as he know there is a 40-80% chance I will forget about it otherwise, depending on my stress levels.

I use my diary for everything though and I have lots of reminders which is why I only miss or am very ate for meetings 5-10% of the time instead of for more than half of them

I have friends with ADHD, I am married to a "diagnosed in late 40s and now evangelical about it" ADHD man, and my teenager has recently been dx AuDHD. Each are different.

Friends: Individually, I assume nothing. If it's something where I'm dependent on them (eg they've promised to bring the salads for the BBQ) then I check in a week before, a day before, and on the day. But I will always have a backup plan.

Friends: collectively, if we're planning something like a weekend away, or a trip to the cinema, I take responsibility for nothing until I have full commitments and funds in my account. Recently I was booking for the cinema (not a mainstream film, specific day, specific places). There were 5 of us interested, but I booked for 4 who were dead certs. With the one who I expected to be flaky I included her in the group chat, said "I've booked tickets in row x, left a single seat beside us, book that one when you can". She did not book, she did not complain

DH: has always run his life via task lists and calendar items, and always builds in contingency time for things... to a fault. Would rather drive at 6am to a theme park opening at 9am because the drive will take 2 hours than drive at 7am when there's a little more traffic so the drive might take 2.5 hours and the ride queues might be building up inside. This has become more pronounced since diagnosis. It's an ongoing work in progress to maintain my boundaries and be understanding but sometimes I do wish I had a soundproof rage room.

DS (17): basically away with the fairies. Can very easily run his daily life, look after himself. Can plan ahead but doesn't, because it doesn't feel rewarding. This is problematic in terms of studying and homework (I have a whole thread on this). But also in that there are things he wants to do like travel with his mates, but none of them are capable of putting together an achievable itinerary (and consequently, none of us as parents is handing over enough money or god forbid their passports, for them to strike out and get into a pickle.)

In your situation OP, if you think there's less than a full likelihood of her doing what she says she'll do, make sure you've got a fall back plan or that you're doing a thing that other friends are also doing. You get to spend your time well, she either turns up or she misses out.

so when she can be bothered? or something she really wants to go to, rather than just the best option at the time?

This is my fear. Big meet ups have more people asking if your going I guess?

I have chased her up but been left unread. I have said I'm free on days / times when actually I'm not putting myself to make time for her. On the face of it , it's feels like she can't be arsed to stick to plans which possibly isn't true, but friends should be this hard a job honestly.

I should have chased her Wednesday and again Thursday night and set a firm time and place.

It is better to decide a time with her and that would be easier for both to follow. You could either give a reminder and share your availability.

I have ADHD and would find this the height of rudeness. It is NOT an excuse to be like this. Sick of ND being a get-out clause for everything.

I have adhd and it is MY responsibility to deal with my own shit! Your friend is using her adhd as an excuse to not be an adult!!!

She occasionally drops in that she has rejection sensitivity. I wonder if the converse is true? That you don't realise when people are getting pissed off?

I had a friend like this. I’d like to ask the people who usually forget things, when someone suggests doing something' do you warn them that you’ll probably forget or double book yourself?

Next time she says this assuming you're still in contact
Say
So do I
Have rejection sensitivity.
And I'm having to be more protective of myself my feelings and especially my time.

My plan is not rearrange. I have told her when I am free. See if she mentions what went wrong when we meet next week. There is things I need to do in town on various days off so I'm only going tag meeting her onto after that. If she forgets, I can just go straight home.

I think I'm going to give her two more chances then I'm done.

I think you’re right, don’t chase her or be her social calender, arrange what you want to have it fit in with your life what you have planned, if she’s not at the meeting point within 10
mins of the agreed time, I’d be away, with no “where are you? You still coming?” texts

With my ADHD friend I set aside the whole day and evening with back up plans to do something by myself if she doesn't make it.

As someone with ADHD it’s super helpful if my friends message the evening before to remind me and check the plans are all good, they also tend to message the morning to check again. I try to remember to write things on the calendar but quite often I forget.

Your friend is playing you like a fiddle.

Up to you whether you want this friendship to continue.

Hi op dealing with this. Frustrating. I did meet her in summer as I was off. I only meet her every few months as between scattiness, not replying and being late its too much. Its like dealing with a young girl. She did upgrade her phone so a bit better now. But sometimes its quite draining. She 50s

I have given up with some of my friends. For 2 years every plan was cancelled, changed, or otherwise altered - time, place or activity.
I decided that their ND didn't need to trump my ability to see my friends and make plans and do things I enjoyed. I asked them to organise things they could commit to.
I've barely seen them over the last 18m
I miss them but I don't miss being messed around and cancelled regularly.