Is it worth trying to prove cheating in a divorce?

[IRememberWhenThisWasAllFieldsAndCakePunching]

It’s a long one, so buckle up…

80 year old FIL disappeared overnight this year, leaving 75 year old MIL, their son and grandson very distressed. It became apparent over the following month of limited communication that he was leaving her. All sorts of lies started coming out of the woodwork, and I mean ALL sorts.

we have discovered that he is living with MIL’s best friend around three hours away. They have been spotted holding hands etc. he has been on holiday with her twice. He will not tell us where he is living or who with, but we know he is with her.

he wishes to sell their house, divorce and move on. MIL is frantic because, once various things have been taken in to account, a 50/50 split will leave her with less than £100k, meaning she will not be able to buy somewhere and renting is very difficult with the three big dogs they bought together but he has left her with.

We know adultery isn’t a thing for divorces anymore, but her solicitor has told her it isn’t worth trying to prove it at all. She can’t afford a solicitor really, and has taken advice from a couple over the last few months with their free consultations and has found that their advice on the same topic can vary.

What I am asking is - is it worth gathering evidence that he is living in a relationship? Will it affect the financial split if it goes before a judge? MIL needs 60/40 really, or 70/30, but it would involved regular travel on a six hour round trip.

I would happily do it, he’s repulsed me, damaged my son and my partner and really disrupted our lives because MIL relies heavily on us now. I would love to wreak havoc and see him lose out financially, but if it isn’t going to make a material difference, I can’t really warrant the diesel expense!

Delay and obstruct. Eventually she can prove that he’s living with someone and that will count in the needs assessment. Also he may pass and that will be that sorted!

It’s going to make no difference at all and revenge is not a good place to be. Divorce is about sharing out the marital assets and moving on. Divorces are “no fault” and financially are a “clean break”. I’d not waste any more money even thinking about it.

I applied online for my divorce 3 years ago (husband cheated and was staying with the OW, but supposedly living with his parents). 3 years on my divorce is no further forward as ex refuses to discuss finances. Solicitor advised I could take him to court but with fees it would cost approx £10k just to get to court.

If I was your mil I would do as others have said and drag it out, if he takes her to court it will take months, if not years to sort out. If he is still living with the ow at that point he is adequately housed and if his pension is also more that could possibly be enough to get your mil a slightly bigger %.

if you want legal advice as you say, get this reposted i. legal Matters

I’m a divorce solicitor. There’s a lot of bad advice on here.

Don’t delay on purpose - his solicitor can ask the court for a costs order against your MIL. Fill in the forms. This sounds like a needs case and the court has a duty to ensure both parties are adequately housed. She may get a bigger slice of the pie. Is she represented? Was there any domestic abuse in the marriage? If so she may be eligible for legal aid.

What happened to the money from the equity release?

Yes just keep delaying the divorce. You never know he might die having all this extra rumpy pumpy, she will get the house then. Horrible thing to say but the best outlook for your MIL and will serve her so called best mate right.
Hope all turns out OK for your MIL

Agree with this. The court is not concerned with morality, unless there is extreme misconduct which has an impact on finances. However, it does look like this is a needs case, and the fact that he is living with the OW may mean MIL is entitled to a larger slice of the matrimonial pie.

Intentionally delaying the process is a poor strategy. Even if a costs order is not made against MIL, (and the family court is much more willing to make a costs order nowadays), the matrimonial pie will rapidly get smaller due to legal costs eating away at it. And, believe me, it is a very, very expensive process.

The court will expect the parties to try to settle the matter through mediation and I would rally around MIL to support her through this process. The sooner it is over and done with, the sooner she can rebuild her life.

Absolutely this….sit tight

@Rosebud987 It’s not legal advice on here, it’s how to get revenge and that’s different. Getting the assets divided up to move on should be a priority.

This sounds horrible OP. But I’m also wondering is this totally out of character for him? Reason I ask is my uncle (before he passed away) had ended up with a new girlfriend very soon after my aunt died (both in 80s) suddenly he’s spending money on her and the family. His daughter was a bit concerned but thought it was his choice etc etc until he went into hospital they found out the amount of money he had been spending (thousands) was very out of character. He’d prostate cancer but had developed quite a few brain metastasis. The girl friend had just been completely taking advantage. Was very sad 😞

MIL initiated the mediation process back in June, but both he and his solicitors refused to communicate with the mediator at the time, so she was issued a MIAM certificate. She has, however, started filling in the forms that his solicitors sent her, and gathered three independent valuations on the house, as ordered by his solicitors.

she doesn’t currently have representation because, after all her costs, she has £100 a month spare, which obviously isn’t enough. We are aware she will need one should it go to court, though. The assumption is that he can pay for his because he’s living rent free now.

someone asked what happened to the money for the equity release - they took it out seven years ago to finance renovations to the garden, new roof, extension etc, to make the property better for them in their old age.

DP and I are supporting her through it, and we are of the believe that she will have to sell and then probably end up renting, but she is adamant she wants to try and buy him out or get a bigger cut than 50/50. It’s all such a shame, my son loses a grandfather, my partner loses a father, my mother in law ends up unhappy and poor in her latter years.

There was no abuse, but it turns out he’s been lying to her from the get go. When they met, 46 years ago, he told her he’d been a policeman. He brought DP up, regaling him and his friends with tales from his time ‘in the force’ and when I met him 12 years or so ago, it was one of the first things he told me. He’s met my brother maybe three times, told him story after story about being a Bobby on the beat. It’s all bullshit - now he’s gone, people are coming out of the woodwork and telling us so much of his back story is a lie.

he’s got a daughter from a previous marriage. The story always was that his ex wife cheated on him with a police colleague on the opposite shift and FIL found out through another colleague on the force.., except now we know it’s bullshit, because he was never on the police to have colleagues. He told me over Christmas that the reason he doesn’t see his daughter is because MIL drove her away when she was 15. After fact checking now, that isn’t true and he hasn’t seen her since she was under ten. He told MIL before he left that his daughter had got in touch and wanted to introduce him to her 20+ year old sons. Since he’s left, we’ve found out that isn’t true, but that he’s turned up on her doorstep out of the blue and got upset when she didn’t want to speak to him after being no contact for decades.

somebody said this isn’t about legal advice and more for revenge. I personally think he should be publicly exposed for his nonsense. I believe he’s spun a pack of lies to his new woman and I want to shame him in front of her, but I realise it’s not my place and it’s unhealthy to do so. I would like to be able to help MIL get a bigger financial settlement though, to try and make her more secure. Also, it’s just handy to be able to vent on mumsnet!

This.

The equity release is a loan and that must be sorted out. In effect it’s a mortgage and paying it back will cost a lot due to interest! That must be investigated urgently in my view. At the moment her finances are precarious - what would 50% of the property buy her? How on earth can she buy him out if she cannot afford a decent solicitor? With what? She cannot get a mortgage. The home already has a mortgage on it!

She might have greater housing needs but that’s to be argued in court as he’s refused mediation. Why he’s refused seems odd if he’s moved on to another women as it’s a quicker route.

Yes, so using ballpark figures, let’s say the house has been valued at 300k, they would then have to pay the equity release plus early repayment, which would be 110k, roughly. Call it another 5k for estate agent and solicitors fees, that’s 175k left, divided by the two of them, giving them just under 90k each. For him, that’s great, because he’s living in a nice home that’s already paid off. For her, it’s not so great.

@IRememberWhenThisWasAllFieldsAndCakePunching That’s what she needs to argue then. She needs a bigger % to house herself. Not sure if that will work but it’s the only argument she has and she’s not in a position to borrow any money.

At her age, and the circumstances, she would probably be eligible for council help with going into a sheltered/supported housing scheme, with lowish rent, compared to private rentals.

But, very few take dogs. 🤷‍♀️

60/40 is an extra 20k. How much will it cost in solicitor fees to get that extra 20%?

I second what boomer says. Renting in a retirement complex sounds like a really good idea. We have a local one run by a HA and they will take pets, you just need permission for any new ones.

Also agree with boomer. Those legal fees can rack up pretty quickly. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t go for a bigger split, he may agree after all but to fight over £20 when you’re paying for legal advice is a little pointless.

Potentially most of it, depending if it’s the difference between going to court or not and how much work they would have to do to negotiate that.

Op, no. Tne law is not punitive and posters saying if she can prove he lives with her so your mil may get more are wrong, because they could split up tomorrow and a settlement is final.

your mil will need to go to the council to get housed if she can’t afford to buy, they won’t see her homeless but she maybe not be where she wishes.

howver it will be 50 50. The fact he lives with another woman is irrelevant, as it could change tomorrow, they could split up, the woman die, anything. And then he’d be homeless and it done.

sorry edit to add, private rent maybe an option

The law is not punitive in that the court does not give more of the pie to the "injured" party just because there has been an affair. But it does have to grapple with where the parties find themselves in the aftermath of the affair. In a needs case, which this surely is, if the court is satisfied that FIL is housed with his mistress in accordance with his needs, it may award more of the pie to the MIL so that her housing needs are met.

And no, FLI does not have to have "bought into" the house in order for the court to do this and yes, the relationship may break up afterwards and he might find himself homeless. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Courts have to grapple with complex situations relating to divorce and the division of assets every single working day. They have to make findings of fact based on the evidence they are presented with. If a court finds that the relationship is a settled one, it may well find he is adequately housed. She should enter into negotiations with him on the basis that he is so housed.

The law is not punitive in that the court does not give more of the pie to the "injured" party just because there has been an affair. But it does have to grapple with where the parties find themselves in the aftermath of the affair

Essentially yes,

The courts need to make sure both parties can put a roof over their heads and pay their bills.

However there are exceptions.

Abuse, gambling and addictions. If someone is going to gamble or spend their share on drugs they are going to get less

I would be looking at what this woman has had spent on her by your dh

I would be getting as much as possible under marital assets because if you can get it up to a certain amount and get enough percentage then she might be able to keep the house.

This is what happened in my case. His housing needs were deemed to have been met.

I’d get the proof he is living with this woman

pgotos of them holding hands, car on driveway, 5am etc and check at the local council to see whether he is registered at the property to vote- unlikely. you have to do that in person.

you have nothing to lose by proving he has somewhere else to live and it’s romantic in nature. But could by having this proof get a larger settlement

it’s not the affair but the living arrangement that could possibly help

it might be enough then to buy a retirement apartment with far cheaper bills