Boundaries around giving lifts to teen -any suggestions?

[WarmthAndDepth]

My teen (16) is has entered a phase of being a bit demanding -as her independence grows, she's asking for lifts and collections more frequently. I really want to support her having a social life and try new things so, as long as she uses public transport on the routes she feels safe and confident using, I'm happy to, within reason, fill in a few transport gaps when she wants to venture to areas which aren't easily accessible by bus or train.

We've had talks about giving reasonable notice and her sticking to agreed timings (eg being ready to actually leave on time) and that it's her responsibility to make sure any friends are ready if they are also included in the lift.

This last fortnight, there have been occasions where I've had to pick her up on her attitude to the lifts, and, to my disappointment, she's not responded particularly well: she's tried to flip it to make me sound unreasonable, stretched timings and changed plans last minute, and then asked for further lifts without acknowledging or really apologising for her attitude previously. This morning I heard her complaining to a friend about how unreasonable I was being, telling the friend that she'd spoken to yet another friend about it too, and that the other friend 'totally agreed' that I was being 'out of order'.

Now I'm thinking that she can stuff her lifts, and her friends can do one. I've been waaay too accommodating. But apparently, her friends' mums drive their DC places all the time, at the drop of a hat.

What boundaries or agreements do you have in place with giving rides, dropping off and picking up your teens? Like I say, I do want to be supportive of her growing independence, but not be taken for a ride (pardon the pun). How do I convey an understanding that, while I don't mind driving her places, a bit of consideration wouldn't go amiss? My perspective is a bit skewed -I'm possibly a bit quick to help others out, but absolutely hate asking anyone for help, and also hate the idea of ever feeling beholden to anyone or, indeed, my DD having to feel beholden to me.

Makes me so glad I live centrally with great transport links so my teens walk everywhere or hop on bus / train

Do you live rurally?

Nip the entitlement in the bud. And the rude friends saying you're out of order? She can piss off too little madam.

I made it clear that the more notice I was given, the more likely I was to say yes. I didn't often say no but I did a few times when the request was made very late and I had other plans. Luckily my DCs weren't particularly demanding at that age as I think they knew I'd not be impressed.

I also made it clear that if they were out, everything was going wrong and they needed rescuing, then I'd be there no questions asked. I only needed to do that once or twice but they genuinely appreciated the safety net.

I hear you!

16 year olds’ level of entitlement is off the scale. They are rarely grateful and they have no sense of reciprocity. However, it’s only for a year or two until they are driving.

Sounds like you do have some decent public transport, so that should be the default.

We live in the sticks so I took it as the price to be paid. To be fair DH did all the late nights and that usually included friends from other villages whose parents never did lifts. Having said that they never took advantage and were appreciative.
Driving lessons at 17 helped a bit but I still didn't like the idea of DS driving back late or being coerced into being the taxi so the late night lifts continued.

My 15 year old and 17 year old love the gym but they have a bike and get themselves there and back (about a 15 min bike ride each way). I work long hours and am quite often out of the house 7am to 9.30pm. I don’t want to be a taxi after that.

The 'out of order' comment would make me see red. No lifts for unspecified period and obnoxious friends can work it out for themselves. Apologies from all concerned would start a rethink, but I would take my time.

I've already put the boundaries in with my teen in anticipation of this. She is 14. We live in a big city and I purposely chose somewhere close to town and with bus stops right outside. She knows now that lifts are limited, she has to ask in advance and she needs to be prepared to hear no. It doesn’t stop her from randomly asking me for a lift in the middle of my working day though!

If she behaved like your DD she’d never get a lift again.

Some parents do like to ferry their kids everywhere, I’m not judging, that’s their choice - my choice is not to be a taxi service. I reserve the right to change my stance when she’s wanting lifts home from nightclubs tho!

This book is always recommended on here: Get Out of My Life: The bestselling guide to the twenty-first-century teenager: Amazon.co.uk: Franks, Suzanne, Wolf, Tony: 9781788163828: Books It might be an idea to leave it lying around.

I'd certainly be limiting lifts I gave to that friend of hers. It's also really disrespectful of your time for any of them to be late or expect an immediate lift. Ugh, that time was horrible, I found!

Yeah I’d be miffed in your shoes. We do have to give lifts but there is a significant expectation to walk, cycle or take public transport.

Any entitled behaviour would result in a temporary strike until an apology was given and the behaviour changed.

I have a similar issue. I try to be flexible but I’ve explained to my daughter that broadly speaking we need to agree a time and stick to it because I am also doing other things (working/cooking dinner/giving other child lifts etc.)

It’s quite hard but you can’t let them rule the house and they need to be respectful.

She is being unreasonable.
It's one thing to be asking for lifts from your mum when you are polite, helpful and have no other option, but from what you say, she does have options. There is public transport. And why are you saying she has to be confident using it? She's almost an adult, she should be confident using it already. If she isn't, then you might want to consider how you can support her with that, eg checking routes and timings together in advance.
The other thing is, she should understand that you are doing her favour if you give her a lift. So if being ready on time is an issue, you might say " I can give you a lift but I only have a window of 10:00-11:00 free, so if you are not ready to go by 10, then I can't fit it in as I have other arrangements from 11."
And if she's not ready at the time you need to leave by, then she doesn't get the lift. Of course she'll make a fuss, but you'll only have to stick to this once or twice before she gets the message. Might be worth going out yourself at this point so that you don't have to deal with a tantrum.
Also, " If you want a lift you are going to need to be more civil than that. I don't do favours for people who are rude to me."
And "I'm really short of time this evening, so if you need a lift you'll need to do xyz chore first, as I don't have time to do both."
You could also suggest that she works her arrangements around you: " I've got yoga in town at 7pm on Tuesdays so happy to give you a lift in then if you want to meet up with friends for an hour or two", or "I can drop you off at 11 after we've done the shopping". It would helpful if she could see that your life doesn't revolve around her, that you will happily help her out IF it's convenient for your schedule.

It depends. If you live far from public transport or have moved further away from all her friends then that is up to you. If you live in an area of good public transport and near her friends then your daughter should not need so many lifts.
I usually gave my children lifts in the evening but at that age they were only allowed out late if there was no school/work the next day.

Thanks, all. I think it's the conversation with the friend that has made me bristle and reconsider. I feel disappointed because I really try to be reasonable and approachable.

@Homemerge Not rurally, but outskirts-suburban. There is some public transport to the urban hub, but not necessarily to other outlying areas.

@inthesticks I'm really trying to encourage DD to start thinking about driving but she is too scared!

@TFImBackIn I'll definitely take a look at that book!

@DelphiniumBlue Not meant to drip feed as I'm not sure it's got much to do with this new attitude, but DD is autistic (which is why I'm perhaps going a bit beyond the extra mile to support her social life and independence) and I think it adds a certain inflexibility around new experiences. She has had travel training on some routes which she uses frequently -she happily uses these independently. For trips to new destinations I try to work out the route with her in advance or make sure she travels with a friend if I'm not able to do the journey together with her. Sometimes it works out more simply to give her a ride -one place she likes to go to is 10 minutes away by car, but a nearly 2h bus trip with a couple of changes, and far too far to walk.

I like the 'working arrangements around me' idea. She does sometimes make connections with my routine (-ish), but there are definitely some good opportunities there.

That is indeed an excellent book

I made it clear that they used public transport if feasible and late night lifts were only on an occasional basis if i wasn’t busy - if you are old enough to be out after 10pm you are old enough to get yourself home. I went out and about on public transport from early teen and contrary to popular belief from social media, it’s no more dangerous now.

my dc are now self sufficient adults

Btw one of my DD’s is autistic and has seizures, we travel trained from 10 because we knew she wouldn’t ever drive and even cycling was not a great idea

I’m in a couple of minds about this. If you live on a fast country road with no pavement then she really does need lifts. I remember that some friends of my parents used to live in an amazing farmhouse … but ended up moving to the centre of the town nearby because the boys couldn’t get anywhere.

On the other hand, people really need to be ready when the driver turns up. Giving lifts to friends can get tricky - there will be times when you wonder why their parents never reciprocate.

I think the autism is a massive drip feed, sorry OP.

Yes, sometimes public transport just doesn’t work, even if you are well connected.

We bought DD an e-bike when she was 17 and still learning to drive. Was a game changer.

How did she do in her GcSEs?

This. It is absolute nonsense that teens are inherently rude and entitled and we just have to put up with it. We don't.

You just say no. Ask her if she would be prepared to give up hours of her free time at unsocial hours, and hang around forever waiting for people who treated her with contempt, as though this was her duty? Say you hope she'd have more self respect than to be such a pushover. As have you.

She needs to be on time and super polite, or make her own arrangements. And no more bitching about you to her friends.

For places that are 10 minutes away by car but 2 hours by public transport, could she cycle?

I don’t allow my teens to use public transport unless it’s with someone who has used it before and they stay together the whole time. I am much happier to drive them. We do live rurally.

We lived in a village growing up and although public transport was available, it did restrict your timings getting to places & getting home again.

When I turned 16 I bought a moped and the freedom it gave me was amazing.
Total independence to go where I wanted when I wanted. I started work in a job that would have been almost impossible without my own transport.