Boundaries around giving lifts to teen -any suggestions?

[WarmthAndDepth]

My teen (16) is has entered a phase of being a bit demanding -as her independence grows, she's asking for lifts and collections more frequently. I really want to support her having a social life and try new things so, as long as she uses public transport on the routes she feels safe and confident using, I'm happy to, within reason, fill in a few transport gaps when she wants to venture to areas which aren't easily accessible by bus or train.

We've had talks about giving reasonable notice and her sticking to agreed timings (eg being ready to actually leave on time) and that it's her responsibility to make sure any friends are ready if they are also included in the lift.

This last fortnight, there have been occasions where I've had to pick her up on her attitude to the lifts, and, to my disappointment, she's not responded particularly well: she's tried to flip it to make me sound unreasonable, stretched timings and changed plans last minute, and then asked for further lifts without acknowledging or really apologising for her attitude previously. This morning I heard her complaining to a friend about how unreasonable I was being, telling the friend that she'd spoken to yet another friend about it too, and that the other friend 'totally agreed' that I was being 'out of order'.

Now I'm thinking that she can stuff her lifts, and her friends can do one. I've been waaay too accommodating. But apparently, her friends' mums drive their DC places all the time, at the drop of a hat.

What boundaries or agreements do you have in place with giving rides, dropping off and picking up your teens? Like I say, I do want to be supportive of her growing independence, but not be taken for a ride (pardon the pun). How do I convey an understanding that, while I don't mind driving her places, a bit of consideration wouldn't go amiss? My perspective is a bit skewed -I'm possibly a bit quick to help others out, but absolutely hate asking anyone for help, and also hate the idea of ever feeling beholden to anyone or, indeed, my DD having to feel beholden to me.

I live rurally, and I do lifts as long as everyone is being reasonable. If either of mine got demanding, then the rules about notice/what I was prepared to do would become much stricter.

Eg. a couple of times over summer I've driven my youngest to the shopping centre in town, he's hung around with his friends for a few hours and I've run errands/sat in the car/ in a coffee shop, and picked him up when he's ready to go home - he's only 12, so he needs the independence practice, and when he's been later than estimated, he's good at either telling me, or responding to my query about how long he thinks he'll be. He's polite when he asks for the lift. Some of my friends think I've been too accommodating - but I chose where we live, and there's no feasible public transport within 1km walk so I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ferry him places.

If he was being grumpy or dismissive or demanding, or ignoring me and being persistently late, then that would be different.

My rules for everything have always been I will be reasonable if you are reasonable. Any fuss, and the hammer comes down.

Agreeing with a teen on organised times with notice?
Yeah not likely..is it not highly lilely thry will dispute and cause conflict when the world is not going there way!
Depends on if it is evenings or day time for my fam.
I do not let anyone walk or bus home to late or dodgy areas...the time I did for being upset or annoyed I thought it was not worth the grief or risk to safety...university students drinking and the local loopies.
I beleive in a safe rule of rining or texting home for a safe and secure pickup. I witnessed a detective in her school area with a young girl who was attacked one evebing..most unpleasant thought I will not forget when a teens not abiding by the mum rules.

We chose to live rurally when our DC were babies. Driving them to school, hobbies, play dates, parties was what we accepted when we chose our home. I can’t think how many thousands of miles I’ve driven for them but for us, that’s what we signed up for. One of the benefits in the early teenage years was that we always knew where they were as we had driven them there and they were very keen to drive at 17.

We live rurally so have been a part time taxi driver for the last 5 years for social life of DS. He was spiked not long after he was 18 and the aftermath was scary for both him and us. I was asleep when he attempted to text me. If I’d read his texts I would have been in the car breaking the speed limit. Since then he has been more than happy for me to track him with find my phone. He realised how vulnerable he’d been while drugged.

We have a safety first bollocking later policy in place since he started to have a social life. Thankfully he has not had to use his get out of jail free card very often. I think we’ve only had to rescue him a couple of times and one of those when he had a tyre blow out.

He's been away at uni for the last couple of years so is now responsible for his own well being. Although I had to go down to deliver antibiotics when he developed cellulitis in his foot ( diagnosed via what’s App) I’m an HCP so was able to get a colleague to sort out a prescription for him. Trying to get an appointment with his GP is difficult ( Wales) and he refused to spend 24hrs waiting in A&E.

We want them to take responsibility for their own wellbeing but when they leave home they don’t always have a robust support network. Although DS’s housemates are pretty good. They still need to know that you’ve got their back.

You don’t let them use it at night or you don’t let them use it full stop? I can understand night but during the day, why on earth not?

unless with friends who know it the whole time. I just worry a lot about safety and would much rather I drive them and know they are safe.

@AlphaApple re the drip feed, it's more that she doesn’t usually have an issue with being entitled or demanding -it's a new thing. Travel, directions, instructions and executive function is a challenge, but she's not usually the type to be unkind or unreasonable. I'm not comfortable attributing all undesirable behaviour to autism.

@Homemerge GCSEs are a touchy subject this week as she has alternative provision and studied for different qualifications, so feels very aware of her differences at the moment.

'But apparently, her friends' mums drive their DC places all the time, at the drop of a hat'

Oh well then, if other mums are so accommodating, your DD can ask her friends if their mums can give her lifts as well then. If you've been giving her friends lifts, it's about time they reciprocated.

@Crwysmam I'm sorry that happened to your son, that's awful.

I’m generally happy to drive. I find the best conversations often happen in the car. I do expect her to be grateful though.

The default should be safety and the availability of public transport.
It is also reasonable to have set nights where DD stays home and other nights where she expects to go out with friends.

Prioritise transport to a part time job.

Stick to your principles!
One of mine was like this. I drew firm boundaries. I was ready on time and in the car. If she wasn't within 5 mins the lift was cancelled. If I was nice enough to give a friend a lift, same rule applied.
If i collected them from a party, it was 10 mins leeway, then I was coming in to find them!
It doesn't last forever tbh. With part time jobs, taxi sharing gets more feasible and then driving a bit later on.

Oh 16yr olds can be so rude can’t they and self centred too! I would pull up on the rudeness and refuse lifts for a bit. I’d be making them stay home tbh. You want a lift, you be nice to me! Then otherwise it works around our home life. If I’m ready to get you at 5 instead of 6, 5 it is. However for special occasions such as birthday parties or say end of term things, I’d be more flexible.
My oldest is 18 and driving and he still likes lifts too and from work so he can eat his food (chip shop job) on the way home! I do it happily because he’s lovely and grateful now. They do improve!

I think a 16yo moaning to her friend about her mum is par for the course unfortunately! Presumably you weren't meant to overhear?

We live rurally, and I'm generous with lifts because it was me and DH who chose to live here and I don't want the DC's social lives to suffer as a result of that. We do encourage them to learn to drive as young as possible though!

Absolutely this!

We live rurally and so I’ve had to give my children lifts at this age. Work/college I will give them lifts but they have to ask with notice for leisure lifts. Fortunately my brother helps out a fair bit (I’m a single mum so their dad doesn’t help) and will do the late pick ups for me as I usually have work the following morning.

I wouldn’t be accepting them expecting it as a right to be taken places. They have to be ready when they say they need to leave/ be collected. If they pushed the boundary on this without good reason then they wouldn’t be getting lifts.

I’m genuinely shocked. Do you live somewhere dangerous? It’s completely normal for kids to make their way around on public transport from year 7. Maybe I’m not aware of dangers being in London but I feel that it’s perfectly safe for my kids to be on public transport alone and without exception all of them use public transport. The only rule I have it not to sit upstairs on the bus if alone.

When mine were 16 and wanted to go to concerts or festivals, I always said to them that they had to make their own way. Sounds mean, but encouraged independence.

Teen in Slagging Off Parent To Friend Shock.

Decide what you think is reasonable. Do that. Your teenager is never going to agree with you about what reasonable means.

My husband insisted on getting his son on a bike which naturally developed his independence to get to places. If somewhere is 10 mins away by car but 2 hours on public transport, can’t they cycle?

We’ve got daytime public transport (limited destinations but all the big towns are feasible), but it takes ages and costs a fair amount of money so mine still like a lift sometimes (DS rarely now as he can drive but sometimes he wants to drink) and DD just likes it because it’s easy and free. Both are ND if that’s relevant, DS has had to have a lot of travel training. But they have always planned with us to agree times and if things have changed then we discuss and agree, I’m pretty flexible in life generally but there are times when I have to be at a certain place at a certain time. I would not accept any moaning (other than when it’s me making them late by saying “can I just hang out this washing”). To be honest, I like driving, I like spending time in their company, we have some of our best chats in the car. But the attitude is key.

One thing I have noticed with them and their friends is that everything is liable to change at the last minute, we grew up pre-mobile phone when you made a plan and had to stick to it. I have commented on this at times to them, DS used to be very inflexible about last minute changes of plan when he was younger but they shrug and say it is totally normal to chop and change last minute in their age group so they don’t stress about it like I do, I’m a planner.

Not to justify rudeness directly to you if it has occurred, but I don’t think it’s fair to criticise her for moaning to her friends - even if it’s unjust. Friends are there to moan to and especially as a teenager I’m sure that parents will be the main subject of complaints!

Regarding the lifts, I grew up in a village and rarely asked for lifts as I knew I’d be challenged as to why I couldn’t get the train (10 min drive vs 40 minute walk plus 10 min train). My parents think they always helped out but I just didn’t ask because I felt like I had to sort myself out, and I still carry that around now.

But apparently, her friends' mums drive their DC places all the time, at the drop of a hat.

Friends’ parents are always more laid back, accommodating, generous and generally much ‘cooler’ than their own!

The full title of the recommended book - Get Out of My Life (But First Take Me and Alex Into Town) says it all, really!

Nip the entitlement in the bud. And the rude friends saying you're out of order? She can piss off too little madam.

You are not "supporting her independence" you are supporting he entitlement. If there is public transport in your area then independence is learning to use it rather than being transported around like a parcel. I was taking the bus and tram across Liverpool from the age of 11. She has several alternatives:

Use public transport
Use a bike
Stay at home and do without.

My DD is also autistic, and very averse to new things, however was simply no choice concerning her being able to use public transport and on her having driving lessons.

I paid for both my kids, as their 17th birthday present, (One ADHD & one autistic) to have driving lessons until they both passed their tests, because it's simply not an option to refuse to learn to drive due to being afraid/anxious etc (Unless you live in London or similar where public transport is readily available to anywhere).

Having your kids being able to negotiate how they can travel autonomously is simply a necessity, not a luxury or something you can avoid forever by demanding lifts from parents?

You need to let her know that getting a lift from you is fine for an occasional thing when no suitable public transport options exist etc, or if they've asked beforehand and you've agreed as you are free at that day/time, but it's not a 'right' or a parents 'duty' to do so, and I'd be making it crystal clear to both her & her friends that any 'attitude' will mean an instant withdrawal of any lifts whatsoever.

Your 'duty' as a parent is to make sure that they can do things & go places without a parents help, to make sure that they are able to function as an independent adult.