Very intense acquaintance - how do I let her down gently?

[theslowdown]

I live in a small town, where you can't avoid regularly bumping into people you know. When I first moved here, I rented a room from a woman who was away for most of the time I lived there. I've since moved into my own place, and she's returned full-time.

This woman is not a bad person – but she is very, very intense. I've never had a conversation with her, about anything, where she hasn't turned the chat (within a couple of minutes max) to her childhood trauma, how bad her mental health is, and what a struggle life is for her. I've also noticed she's very negative about people; I asked about her colleagues at her new job and she was incredibly patronising about them all, she complains about her neighbours and how useless they are (they're not; they were wonderful to me when I lived there), and she tells stories about her friends that cast her in a morally superior light and make them look a bit stupid.

On the flip side, she knows I've had a very hard run of things in my own life recently and always makes sure to say that if I ever need anything, she's happy to help, not to be scared to ask for errands to be run etc.

It feels like she's trying her best but finds life incredibly hard, and her trauma has become her whole personality, which means her kindness is drowned underneath it.

I always come away from our interactions completely drained and exhausted, so have very much kept her at arm's length since she returned to town. Of course I'll stop and chat for a bit if I see her in the street, and am always warm and friendly, but I never initiate conversation over whatsapp, or organise 1:1 time with her for anything.

On the other hand, I've also made some very good friends here, and we spend a lot of time together – out for walks in the park, cooking together, running errands together.

She's seen this, and has now sent me a long text message saying she feels 'left out' and 'ostracised' by us, and doesn't understand why we aren't friends when she thought we were.

How do I tackle this without a) hurting her feelings terribly, and b) making things incredibly awkward? I really don't want to be harsh or mean, but I'm also clear that I just can't have her in my life any more than she already is.

Get rid,she probably says bad things about you to others too.

I think it is not so much about her being intense but about her turning everything around to her.

Once people realise they are doing that too much, injecting themselves into every conversation, they put a rein on it. It takes maturity to learn that but she can. She needs to be a better listener. However do you feel inclined to say that? If not, just cut contact as far as possible, she is wearing you down.

Just be honest and say look Angela you are right you aren’t my friend. you just use me to rant at and bitch about other people and use me as a therapist. I am an acquaintance who rented a room off you and I have real friends who don’t try and use me as their own personal therapist and spending time with them is positive not negative and that’s what I need in my life. They don’t want someone like you in their lives either. Take this for the honesty it’s being sent in and think about how you behave maybe and how you are to other people

I think you have to decide whether your kindness and empathy stretches to include this person in your life, and if so decide how much time you want to invest in this person . She clearly needs professional counselling, and has probably exhausted all her other friends and colleagues with her negative energy.

You seem to be a kind and considerate person but unless you simply don't respond, you need to find a way of reducing contact gently. I have found mentioning you have recently discovered that harbouring negative thoughts have never done you any good whatsoever and that you've made it a personal rule to focus on positive things and actions going forwards can help. The focus on the impact the negativity has on you rather than criticism of her, or invalidating her past traumas can occasionally make the other person realise what the problem is in terms of your interactions with them..

Run it through ChatGPT or other AI

No reply of yours will solve this. Keep it short and neutral and don't get into explanations. You could say that you're sorry she feels like this, of course she is a friend but you have other friends too and leave it at that. Remind yourself that you will be wrong no matter how you reply so no point agonising over it. Maybe mute her and just read her texts intermittently for a while.

Hi Angela,
Im sorry that you feel left out or ostracised that was obviously never my intention. I have a wide range of friends who I like to spend time with individually and collectively. As you know I’ve been going through some difficult issues at the moment and just trying to be positive and keep myself busy. Hopefully catch up soon for a coffee.

Very tricky. I was sort of in a similar position with an intense person who I knew from years ago and had kept in touch with, once or twice a year, then by chance we ended up living fairly close in a small town.

She invited me to a special event for her, and I dropped out at the last minute for a variety of reasons, problems at home and anxiety.

She slated me, maybe justifiably, but I said maybe I just can't be the friend you'd like me to be and we should give each other space.

Haven't heard from her since. This makes my life better tbh.

Yes do this. Ot just a thumbs up emoji if you can get away with it. Don't feed the drama.

Sorry to hear you are still down. I know how hard it is to get yourself onto the road to recovery with your mental health so I really do wish you nothing but the best.
I am not deliberately excluding you or anybody else Angela. On the contrary, I am trying to act upon on good advice I’ve been given and, still feeling new to the area, am trying to widen my friendship circle, get to know more new people and stay positive, cheerful and busy. I think that will prove the best way forward for me.

As many others have said, interacting with her will just fuel the drama. Do you need to maintain contact? Just block her. If she says anything to you in person (highly unlikely) tell her you’ve not received any messages from her and sorry you can’t stop to chat…

everyone will know what she’s like so I wouldn’t worry about that and without a reply she has nothing to show anyone so just block and move on. If you see her just smile, wave and be as you were but be in a rush to go somewhere…

If I was to reply I probably would go with this.. but it’s still drama fuel although it’s honest. If you tell her of course I’m your friend she’s going to text and it won’t stop

Yes this…

read the about drama triangle - she’s displaying the victim, persecuted and the rescuer roles and tries to suck others in to play along. She’s recognizing your own rescuer preference as a suggestion to bring you into the triangle… and her knowing about your difficulties have given her an opportunity to be a rescuer and then she goes back to victim and when nobody rescues her, she gets angry… that’s why I say stay out of the triangle. Disengage, block, whatever but just you rented a room from her. She’s clearly not well but you can’t fix her.

Out of them all… this would be something I’d say. But she will blow it up to say “after all I’ve done for you…” so you’ll end up blocking her anyway.

what are you scared of OP? That folk will hear her bad mouthing you? And will reject you? Work out what your fear is and that might help.

@Lifealwaysgetsbetter I wouldn't say I'm scared of anything, just looking to disengage in a way that's clear without being cruel.

People in this thread seem to have taken the idea that she's badmouthing me more seriously than I have, to be honest! I'm of the opinion that what people say about me behind my back is none of my business, really, and I'm secure in my friendships here. People in this town are lovely, and those that know her, get it.

Thanks to everyone responding – I'm aware there's no perfect solution to this where she responds beautifully and the whole thing resolves itself with grace!

I would be blunter because I don't think she'll get the message otherwise.

Sorry to hear that X - it's true I do like to have lots of friendships and I'd encourage you to do the same. In terms of our relationship, I don't think a deeper friendship is on the cards I'm afraid, as our personalities are a bit too different. If you'd be up for some honest feedback, your message is quite intense and a bit controlling, and that's quite off-putting - you can't really guilt someone into being friends! I know you didn't intend it to be, but perhaps this might be something worth thinking about going forward. I'm sure I'll see you around soon and I'm always happy to stop for a quick catchup! Best wishes, theslowdown.

The truth here is the important bit.

It's obvious you're distancing yourself and she will see through it straightaway. It will make her feel worse and probably totally confused as she will know she's being lied to but probably won't understand why.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is an awful expression when you so clearly aren't.
Do the decent thing and tell her the truth. She will have to deal with it.

I think I would find this very tricky too. I might take a couple of the replies on here and tinker with them. Maybe do it as a kind of therapy for yourself until you get to a reply which feels right to you. Then leave it for a day or two and if it still feels good, maybe send it.

Personally, I had a slightly similar situation many years ago where I sent a letter. I had to confront the situation and did the best I could but, to this day, I regret it. I wish I could have found a simpler and more gentle way to say it. Consequently, I would caution against sending anything which could end up hurting you in years to come.

Least said soonest mended.
Why reply anything.
You're not obliged to.
It's not a legal matter.
Social interaction is always a matter of choice.
I'd just ignore it.
If you run into her and she asks why just say you found it embarrassing.
Which is true.
Don't over analyse.
You are only responsible for how you live.
You could say that you didnt know what to say to her but you wish her all the best.
Don't linger.

I really feel for you because I’m going through something very similar with a woman who has almost invited herself into my life and my space.

It’s the underhanded comments and the demanding nature that I find so exhausting. If I go anywhere without inviting her, she takes it personally. We both have three-year-old daughters and she’s already convinced they’re going to be best friends because they’ll be in the same school year. It sometimes feels like she’s planned out our entire lives and this friendship is meant to continue indefinitely.

She expects far more from me than I’m willing to give, so at the moment I’m just trying to create some distance. If she asks to meet, I’ll say I’m busy, and when she messages I don’t reply straight away anymore. I’ll sometimes leave it a couple of days before answering, which at least reinforces that I genuinely have other things going on.

She hasn’t taken the hint yet and still seems to find reasons to message me, which I’m finding increasingly irritating.

So I really do feel for you. There’s nothing worse than not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings while simultaneously thinking, please just leave me alone.

Given what I've already said and that you live in a small town, how about being completely honest but also brief and gentle? Something like...

Hi *, I'm very sorry to read this. To be honest, I don't know how to respond at the moment - your message came out of the blue and feels like quite a lot to process. I guess we're just going through different seasons of life at the moment. But I wish you all the best and hope you feel better very soon. x

I know it's not quite right but it might give you some ideas.

Do you know if she has also complained to the others who were with you that night, for example to the mutual friend who told her about it?

If you feel that you need to respond (and I'm not sure that you do), rather than trying to explain yourself and convince her that you've not done anything wrong, you could send a simple and short message.
"I'm surprised to hear that you feel this way and I am not going to explain who I spend time with or why. I think it's best if we each concentrate on our own situation as we've both had a lot to deal with."

I am not sure that anything you say will convince her that she's wrong to expect to be invited , and it's difficult if you are trying to placate her without offering the friendship she wants. Also, don't be too concerned about what she's saying to others, but be mindful about not giving her ammunition.

She's seen this, and has now sent me a long text message saying she feels 'left out' and 'ostracised' by us, and doesn't understand why we aren't friends when she thought we were.

Does she invite you to everything she takes part in?

I would just not reply tbh!

Going to repeat @KarcherK5 's excellent reply here as it's both tactful and very clear, and it might help others.

I had someone like this around for a while. She was determined to be part of my life but had so many issues going on.

Don't get into explanations. They will never be accepted.

Keep it breezy and short. Limit what she can see on your social media.

Mine ended in a big explosion about all of my perceived shortcomings. Which was quite useful as I then felt justified in blocking her on everything and refusing to speak to her again.