Very intense acquaintance - how do I let her down gently?

[theslowdown]

I live in a small town, where you can't avoid regularly bumping into people you know. When I first moved here, I rented a room from a woman who was away for most of the time I lived there. I've since moved into my own place, and she's returned full-time.

This woman is not a bad person – but she is very, very intense. I've never had a conversation with her, about anything, where she hasn't turned the chat (within a couple of minutes max) to her childhood trauma, how bad her mental health is, and what a struggle life is for her. I've also noticed she's very negative about people; I asked about her colleagues at her new job and she was incredibly patronising about them all, she complains about her neighbours and how useless they are (they're not; they were wonderful to me when I lived there), and she tells stories about her friends that cast her in a morally superior light and make them look a bit stupid.

On the flip side, she knows I've had a very hard run of things in my own life recently and always makes sure to say that if I ever need anything, she's happy to help, not to be scared to ask for errands to be run etc.

It feels like she's trying her best but finds life incredibly hard, and her trauma has become her whole personality, which means her kindness is drowned underneath it.

I always come away from our interactions completely drained and exhausted, so have very much kept her at arm's length since she returned to town. Of course I'll stop and chat for a bit if I see her in the street, and am always warm and friendly, but I never initiate conversation over whatsapp, or organise 1:1 time with her for anything.

On the other hand, I've also made some very good friends here, and we spend a lot of time together – out for walks in the park, cooking together, running errands together.

She's seen this, and has now sent me a long text message saying she feels 'left out' and 'ostracised' by us, and doesn't understand why we aren't friends when she thought we were.

How do I tackle this without a) hurting her feelings terribly, and b) making things incredibly awkward? I really don't want to be harsh or mean, but I'm also clear that I just can't have her in my life any more than she already is.

I think this is by far the best response, however - and I'm probably being pig headed - I wouldn't want to say anything about being sorry when I am not.
I'd put,
Ah, that's a shame. As you know, life's busy and complicated and like everyone else I'm just doing my best. Take care'

The formula is: Support - Empathy - Truth (SET)

Whatever you write has to tick those three boxes.

Could she have what was known as Borderline Personality Disorder and is now known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder @theslowdown ?
She sounds like someone I know who has this disorder.
The intensity of the interactions they have is unbelievable.
I can’t really explain it but the stress I was put under when communicating was very high.
In the end I had to back away because any friendly overture led to constant communication, asking for advice, not taking it on board and the cycle continued.
I felt really bad backing away as they desperately need love and friends but can’t see how their behaviour impacts them having them.

Hi op I am in exactly this situation and it is very difficult. The person I know (her and her sister actually) go to my local church and we are in some prayer groups together. I knew one of the sisters before they moved to our town / church and since they have moved despite making lots of other friends and arranging lots of social things without me seems to have a strange vibe towards me. They have also been through a huge amount trauma wise and never seen to stop talking about it. I am an empath so have been the soaker upper of this sort of thing most of my life but at my age now I don't have much energy left for this so have withdrawn and won't be making much of an effort now going forwards. Not a therapist and tbh don't want to use up my valuable time hearing someone going round and round the same loop. If that makes me a bad person or bad friend then fine xx

Yes I like this. Followed the formula too

Hi Angela, it's because you're an unbearable misery who could suck the joy out of a Labrador's birthday party. Hope that clears things up.

😉

In one respect it doesn't matter what you do because in my experience these people will blow up at you and see you as the enemy regardless of how you try to handle them. For your sake though I think you need to be able to live with how you acted in the lead up to the fall out so I'd try to be kind whilst maintaining some boundaries and spending time with other people.

You won't be able to avoid the fall out so you need to accept that it's going to happen

@KarcherK5 's reply was excellent

Tell her straight. Your therapist has told you to protect your own mental health and you should step away from stress and trauma .

Hi Angela. Thanks for that rather aggressive text, I have no idea why you have taken against me doing some cooking in my own house with one of my friends but what I do with my time is really none of your business. I'll cook a curry with whoever I damn well want to cook a curry with. I think you are right, we are not friends as friends would not make such demands on each other. Good day to you madam.

“suck the joy out of a Labrador’s birthday party” 🤣🤣.

Pure genius!

She will be talking shit about you too you know. She won’t take a gentle hint. You can be polite while being firm.

You say ‘sorry X, I never wanted to hurt you however I dont feel we clicked on a personal level so I’d rather keep our interactions casual.’

No matter what you say she will take it badly and bitch about you. So just be neutral but honest.

Oh op I had this. School friend who moved back to where we are from and where I live and she pretty much just wanted to insert herself into my life and if I could not meet up with her as I work full time, am a sole parent and I was back in uni as a mature student I would get the guilt trip messages 'oh i know you are busy with your other friends' and all that kind of stuff. If I had other friends over and she found out I got 'are you embarassed of me as you don't invite me to meet them'? and just a whole load of suffocating stuff. It came to a halt when my stepfather died and I said I wanted NONE of my friends at the funeral it was family only and not only did she take this personally she then went around talking about me behind my back saying I was a selfish bully who only thought of myself etc etc. Unreal however I sent her one message saying to grow up and stop bitching about people and she has not contacted me since.

This is fantastic!! 🤣

I wish I could take full credit for it but it's from my good friend who says it all the time about people 🤣

This needs a " one and done" response or nothing, no reply at all
Dont JADE ( justify, argue, defend, explain)
She will drag you in
Dont apologise

Keep it firm and factual
Leave it a few days before replying

Hello Jill

I am not going to explain my personal life to you or who I spend time with , that is private
Op

Oops posted too soon

Firm boundary, clearly expressed
No apology or flim flam
She sounds unstable, previous posters are correct BPD often involves accelerating relationships and " favourite person"
Its impossible to maintain a normal relationxhip so no promises of meeting up
Be prepared for emotional blackmail then vitriol when that doesnt work

Love it 😀

OP you sound just like me and what I’ve learnt is to view these people for exactly what they are and to not abandon myself for them. This woman is not a nice person and there is a reason she is socially rejected. Healthy people would take the hint and leave you alone. You’re not in a romantic relationship with her, and even then if someone ghosts you the self-respecting thing to do is to respect the dead RIP 🪦!

The kindness you’re seeing is a veneer to draw people in, not a misunderstood fragility drowned by her trauma. She’s a vampire and I’m so glad she was away when you rented the room from her! As others have said, she’s probably talking negatively about you and you owe her nothing.

Your primary obligation is to yourself and your own safety. Yes safety, because these people can become even more unhinged when they realise nobody is entertaining them, and go further than pity parties and negative gossip.

You don’t have to reply to her. You could ignore and see what happens but I think you need to nip this in the bud so if she does anything else you’ve got proof you tried to set a boundary.. Document all of this privately and if you do reply keep it short, cold and neutral. Make it clear you are not interested in a friendship with her - I’m sure other posters will have ideas on how to word that, especially those with experience of intense people, stalkers and obsessives.

Because she’s one of those, and it’s ok to view her less charitably and exactly as she is. Look after yourself OP 💐

I love this! @theslowdown OP do check this out and also @LittlestBoho ’s reply! Some excellent advice on this thread 😁

🤣

This is brilliant 🙂

It has to? Why does op have to support this woman? Op is not her mother or her sister or her paid therapist. She doesn't have to provide anything to her.

Agree

The only responsibility @theslowdown has is to make her boundary clear.
This woman has zero right to intefere in Ops life and is inserting herself as a victim
No empathy, no support just a firm expression of her boundary .

I got the impression @MrsWickfield was sharing a clinical formula of some kind that works when communicating with particular people.

Good point!