Very intense acquaintance - how do I let her down gently?

[theslowdown]

I live in a small town, where you can't avoid regularly bumping into people you know. When I first moved here, I rented a room from a woman who was away for most of the time I lived there. I've since moved into my own place, and she's returned full-time.

This woman is not a bad person – but she is very, very intense. I've never had a conversation with her, about anything, where she hasn't turned the chat (within a couple of minutes max) to her childhood trauma, how bad her mental health is, and what a struggle life is for her. I've also noticed she's very negative about people; I asked about her colleagues at her new job and she was incredibly patronising about them all, she complains about her neighbours and how useless they are (they're not; they were wonderful to me when I lived there), and she tells stories about her friends that cast her in a morally superior light and make them look a bit stupid.

On the flip side, she knows I've had a very hard run of things in my own life recently and always makes sure to say that if I ever need anything, she's happy to help, not to be scared to ask for errands to be run etc.

It feels like she's trying her best but finds life incredibly hard, and her trauma has become her whole personality, which means her kindness is drowned underneath it.

I always come away from our interactions completely drained and exhausted, so have very much kept her at arm's length since she returned to town. Of course I'll stop and chat for a bit if I see her in the street, and am always warm and friendly, but I never initiate conversation over whatsapp, or organise 1:1 time with her for anything.

On the other hand, I've also made some very good friends here, and we spend a lot of time together – out for walks in the park, cooking together, running errands together.

She's seen this, and has now sent me a long text message saying she feels 'left out' and 'ostracised' by us, and doesn't understand why we aren't friends when she thought we were.

How do I tackle this without a) hurting her feelings terribly, and b) making things incredibly awkward? I really don't want to be harsh or mean, but I'm also clear that I just can't have her in my life any more than she already is.

I would probably reply with something like 'Hi x, really sorry to hear you feel that way. I've just got a lot of my own stuff going on/really busy at the moment'.

You say she's already fallen out with, and complains about, neighbours and colleagues.
Be patient because it won't be long before she does the same to you.

You are not obliged to be her social secretary. That is such an overstep. And its annoying that she is monitoring you and judging your behaviour.

This is excellent.

Dont say a word over a messaging system you don't have to reply,and if you do you will get drawn into a tit for tat.
It won't end with one message.

Leave it till you see her face to face and see what happens . Weigh it up then.

Honestly I would just block her. See her in the street, ignore or say hi if you like but that's it.

Couldn't be doing with this shite.

Exactly there is no way you need to be sending WhatsApp messages. I won't go well and you'll get further drawn in.
I'm surprised on the advice

Do nothing OP. Just nothing. Carry on with you life. See what happens if you see her. You can tell alot by body language as well which you can't get over a message.

This is really good, too- clear and firm.

Oh I had an acquaintance like this, all angry victimhood (though she actually led a very fortunate life). It was exhausting and very difficult to extricate myself from because we moved in the same circles so i couldn't just block her.

In the end I just became a moving target. Whenever she text me I wouldn't reply for at least a week and just replied breezily, but not engaging her in further conversation. Eventually she got the message. I couldn't have 'broken up' with her directly, she was too unstable and she wouldn't change, I'd just be dragged into an ugly public fall out, like all her previous friend-victims!

For your acquaintance, I'd recommend similar "oh I'm so sorry you feel that way. That was not my intention. Take care!". Say platitudes without saying anything solid. Usually I'm an advocate of straight talking, but it's simply not suitable for some people. She is already strange, overstepped, and you live in the same small town as her. Polite but distant is the relationship to aim for here.

Yes, something like this. No long explanations or justifications.

I have a friend like this. I really like her until she opens her big mouth and says something horrible. Lots of passive aggressive ‘I haven’t seen you in ages’ or ‘I suppose you’re too busy for the likes of me’. I have distanced myself because she is so pass remarkable, mean and negative. I’m sure she talks at length about me behind my back in exactly the same way that she talks about others to me. Interestingly the people she favours are people that are currently of use to her. So someone who is in hospital or has moved away gets pulled apart and she has frequently referred to them as being of no use to her.
What has worked for me is the odd firm comment like ‘we are going to have to agree to disagree on this’ or ‘I said no they last time you asked, remember?’

My teenager once responded to a message like that from a very clingy virtual stranger with the response “I see us more as casual acquaintances” which at the time I thought was brutal, but it worked!

Do you really want any further contact? I'd be tempted to say: Hi X, I appreciated the opportunity to stay in your house and I'm happy to chat when we bump into each other but I hadn't really thought of us moving in the same social circles. I'm pretty busy so can't offer more of my time. Trust you will understand and all the best' Of course she won't understand and will be offended. Either she will just drop you or will fire back something OTT at which point you can more legitimately block her. Just give her a nod when you pass her in the street - or ignore if you have the balls. I'd not give 2 hoots what she says to anyone else about you. I'm sure people have got the measure of her. If you can't be arsed with the mild level of games playing just ignore/block now. I'd want her out of my life, ideally, but worst case scenario is she ok with your reply and you have to make small talk a few times a year.

If she’ll slag other people off to you, she’ll slag you off to other people.

I bet if you took her up on her “kind” offers of help she’d use it as an excuse to complain about you while bigging herself up - “Oh I had to pick up theslowdown’s shopping for her again - I’m finding her quite demanding at the moment but I don’t like to say… I’m just a helpful sort of person…”

I'm a bit more direct and would say something along the lines of...

'Hi Angela, I'm not sure why you think we are friends in the sense of meeting up and doing activities together. I rented a room from you and we were friendly and hopefully can continue to be. However I am confused as to why you feel left out of situations you were never involved with'

This doesn't give her a chance to talk feelings, emotions etc, it just states facts from your end. If she can argue with that, I would block and ignore her but knowing me, if she pushed after the above, I would tell her that her negativity depletes my energy levels and I could more than do without that.

Hi OP, sorry you are in this situation, it does sound tricky especially as you are in a small town and likely to cross paths ongoing.

It’s a case of diplomacy and kind honesty but as others have said she will probably feel rejected / offended with any reply you send, as she already feels like that.

You want to extricate but not cause further harm, to someone who’s been through a lot by the sounds of it.

Could you approach it from the other side maybe, and try and write yourself a message and put the kind of things that would help you feel re-assured and more at peace with the situation? What things would you want someone to say to you? Often tone speaks loudest so go for calm and light, bit of humour and not committing (or over committing as a guilt response), avoid accusatory language and maybe neutral stuff like ‘it’s a relief the heatwave has passed’ and ‘hope you’re doing ok’, small talk. See what she sends back and if she fishes to meet up maybe try and figure out the lowest impact option for this (supermarket cafe after shopping? Can’t stay long as you’re frozen stuff will thaw!)

Non-committal response that means nothing:

‘Hi X, sorry to hear you feel that way, life’s complicated and I’m just doing my best, like everyone else. Best wishes, Z’

I love this response. I’m going to save it for future reference.

Many years ago I rented a house from a woman. I know she was having some personal and family problems but when she tried to turn it into a personal relationship I backed off. I wanted to keep it purely business. Fortunately she was not an email/text person. When I saw she had rung me I didn't reply right away and left it several days. Or just didn't reply. I just made out like I was one of those very busy people who barely notice if someone has left a message. Eventually, without being directly unkind, people get to realise where they fit into your personal hierarchy.

People like this never get the message.. you have to be direct. You can’t leave any wiggle room. I would say like the person above, that you were grateful for the room but you don’t see her as a close personal friend.

It's a difficult one

And one that I've had..
And of course because they ARE so draining it will mean that others will also keep them at arms length.

I too live in small town... I didn't dislike this person but she was borderline stalking me... I hadn't lived with her, but we had met through a shared hobby group where she had targeted me... We had been put for literally 3 or 4 coffees in a larger group and she decided she wanted me as her BFF... Whereas I didn't want 1;1 time..and really only wanted to see her when we were in a group of 5 or 6 to dilute... All the childhood Trauma talk and difficult parent /partner talk...

I tried the very vague... Yes we'll catch up as and when.

Which led to lots of messages of her trying to nail me down... Then I said I just didn't have time this week /next week /ever to meet... And I'd see her at the next group meet..

Still she didn't take the push back..
In the end I said to her kindly I didn't think we had enough in common... She pushed back AGAJN and I then told her I just couldn't be around all the trauma talk /negtavity as It felt as I was being used as a therapist and my own health wasn't brilliant...

She then latched in to someone else... She wasn't happy though!

I have someone like this. I initially thought we could have a friendship - they are genuinely nice - but it all baceme too draining with the endless texts and misery so I just took longer and longer to reply. Same as you, small place so didn't want to feel uncomfortable if we bumped into each other. When I did reply (and I stopped opening the texts for days at a time) my messages were all very non committal so not really stuff that could need a reply although one often came back immediately. In your case I don't think I would reply. If you really feel you need to maybe something along the lines of "I am sorry you feel that way. Take care". Bit brutal but if does make it clear you don't want to engage.

She is going to be "hurt", and wear it like a badge of honour. It sounds like looking for reasons to be hurt is her life's mission, so you'd never "win" that one anyway.

The thing you can avoid is humiliating her, which may happen if you try a "let her down gently" reply.

Would put a heart or hug emoji on that message and a one-liner like, "Course not - hope you're well."

Then manage her by text at a pace that is not suffocating to you. One a week, etc.

If you see her coming near you in the supermarket or the street, hide, avoid eye contact, make excuses to cut it short. Do not greet her. Blame your eyesight, pretend to be intently typing on your phone, make a call to someone who doesn't drain you.

She makes you uncomfortable and, even if she has problems, you do not have to set yourself on fire so she can warm her hands.

I had a friend who was extremely jealous of me having other friends and who thought our friendship should just be the two of us ‘besties’. I also caught her out bad mouthing me and actively telling lies about me to people in our small town who then actually ostracised me. Although this makes me angry, I just hold my head up high and carry on with my life. I also ignored her last text message which was one month ago now. I have to walk past her house every day which I dread but for my own sake I will be civil but not friendly anymore. I hope you’ll be ok Op.

I have someone at work who lives local to me. I was warned before I started work.

She talks at you for hours and hours you can’t stop her. She is overly sensitive so if you are rude be prepared for it to go around the entire organisation. She preaches Christian values and she will flip out at people. She has retired (68) this year. If you bump into her she wants a 30 minute to hour chat. She wants to visit. Angles for visits eg shall I come over Thursday?

I’m pretty brutal eg I’m busy or at work earphones in and must get on attitude

I think this is about the only option. Quite hard really but as another PP said. Say something that seems reasonable to you. You can't control hwr reactions