Boyfriend doesn't want me sharing a bed with Bestfriend on trip

[okiedokieokayy]

My best friend of around 8 years (we met at uni) has been living abroad for over two years and is finally coming back to the UK next month. I've been so excited to see her. To mark the occasion and make sure we actually get proper quality time together, we booked a little countryside retreat about 4 hours from where I live. Logistics also played a part, as she's coming from visiting family and then jetting off again, so this was the easiest way to make it work. We've had this trip planned for about four months. She made the booking and I was more than happy for her to sort it.
For context, my friend and I have shared a bed completely platonically loads of times over the years. Drunkenly crashing at uni, travelling together as broke backpackers, visiting each other in different cities. It's just never been a thing. So when she booked the room it genuinely didn't occur to me to ask about the bed situation. I'd have been fine with sharing or a twin, it just wasn't a question that entered my head.
It only came up when I was chatting to my boyfriend of nearly two and a half years about the trip. Not the first conversation we've had about it, like I said I've been excited, but this time the topic of rooms came up. He'd assumed we had separate rooms and when I said no, it's one room with a double, his whole mood changed. He said he wasn't comfortable with me sharing a bed with her. I should mention here that my friend happens to be a lesbian, and he knows this. When I asked why it was suddenly an issue, he said it "just feels different" and that he wouldn't share a bed with someone who could potentially be attracted to him, so he didn't see why I would. I tried to explain that we've shared beds plenty of times before, that she's basically family to me, and that she has never once, in eight years, shown even a hint of interest in me like that. He wasn't having it.
He then asked me to at least check if the hotel had twin rooms. I did check, to keep the peace, and there aren't any available. His response was that I need to book a separate room. It's a lot of money and honestly I'm not sure I can afford it, especially for something I don't think is necessary.
The bit that's really bothering me is that I mentioned it to my friend. I told her what he'd said and after some conversation I floated the idea that maybe I should just book the separate room. She went quiet for a second and then said "erm, yeah, okay, if that's what you think's best." There was a definite tone in her voice, like she was holding something back and trying not to cause drama. And now I feel awful. I can't work out if I'm more upset that my boyfriend doesn't seem to trust my judgement, or worried that she's hurt by the inference, because let's be honest, the implication is that because she's gay she can't be trusted to share a bed with a friend, which feels really unfair on her.
I know some people here will use the "what if she was a guy" or "would you be okay with your boyfriend sharing a bed with a straight female friend" argument, and I get why, but I'm honestly not sure it's the same thing. This is someone I've known for nearly a decade with zero history or hint of anything romantic. I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do. Do I pay for a room I can't really afford to keep my boyfriend happy, or hold my ground and risk a row? And is it unreasonable of me to feel a bit insulted on my friend's behalf?

Op can I ask how your relationship in general is with your partner? Are you normally walking on eggshells with him.

I think your partner is wrong in this situation but I understand that this is not everyone view. However I think it is worrying that you felt like you could not do what you feel is right just because it would cause rows. Does he always lash out if you do not do what he wants?

Out of curiosity, would you object to your DH sharing a bed with another woman?

If so, does that indicate trust issues, control issues, insecurity and 'numptiness'? If it doesn't, why not? What is the difference?

If you wouldn't mind, what would be the point at which it would cross your boundaries? Would a cuddle or a spoon be the line? Something else?

If someone else's boundary is no bed sharing with other people at all, is that inherently unhealthy?

I hope you don't mind me quizzing you - I'm genuinely interested in where people are drawing the line and why!

Your boyfriend sounds ignorant and possibly homophobic. Why does he assume just because your friend is gay she will immediately fancy you? Do we assume every straight person fancies everyone of the opposite gender? If course we don't.

Many people on this thread have said they would be , myself included.

They wouldnt though. They think men are gay (not even bi) for the silliest things and they think it is disgusting for the most part. They think men are gay for wanting certain sex acts with women.

If you were a man, the majority of people here would not support you sleeping in bed with your gay friend.

They draw the line at women being able to do what they want with who they want and men having to obey women and mind their boundaries.

I think some of the differences of opinion here are to do with people’s general relationship behaviour. If you’re physically intimate with friends- doing each other’s hair, lounging against each other like a heap of puppies, you’ll feel very different from someone who is quite self contained.
I’d hate to share a bed with someone, and DH can’t sit touching on the sofa, so it just wouldn’t be a normal thing for us. I know it is for other people though.

Touching, beds, intimacy, - it isn’t all about sex.

No, but interestingly more people seem to agree that it wouldn't be acceptable for a straight man and woman to share a bed.

I doubt that's considered heterophobic, but you could level exactly the same charge of, "why do you assume every straight person fancies everyone of the opposite sex?" in similarly outrages tones.

It seems this comes down to several positions:

A) ALL ALLOWED: the people who have said they wouldn't have a problem with their straight partner sharing a bed with someone of the same sex NOR opposite sex - it's different to my feelings but they're being consistent.

B) PARTNER SEXUALITY: the people whose only consideration is the orientation of their partner (e.g. a straight men could share a bed with a man - gay or straight - but not a woman because that's someone the partner could potentially be attracted to; a lesbian woman could share with a straight or gay man but not a woman; a straight woman could share with a lesbian or straight woman; a bisexual could not share with anyone etc.) on the basis that sexuality is fixed and cheating (or impure thoughts!) is far less likely.

C) MEN ARE THE PROBLEM: the people who think that any women can share a bed regardless of the sexuality of the two because either it's more common (and therefore the choice to do so is less automatically suspicious) or women are less likely to cheat anyway when presented with the opportunity. Men should not share with other men regardless of sexuality because of the inverse of the above (weird that they would want to as it's not the norm and/or they are more likely to cheat given the opportunity) nor should they share with women on the same basis.

D) HETEROSEXUALS ARE THE PROBLEM: the people for whom the only issue is a heterosexual man and heterosexual woman (or bisexual in either case?) sharing a bed. All other combinations are allowed (including two gay men / 2 gay women) because...[reasons I have not worked out]

E) NONE ALLOWED: the people who would not like their partner sharing with anyone, either because they are worried about giving an 'open goal' for cheating of any kind or because they consider bed-sharing itself to be an intimate thing to be reserved just for their romantic relationship.

Have I missed any?

Edited: to say that interestingly, the one position I have absolutely not seen articulated here is the homosexuals are the problem. i.e. a straight man and straight woman can platonically share, but not if one or both the participants are gay. It genuinely seems that homophobia is the only position actually missing from the positions put forward.

You are stating your thoughts and opinions as fact.

You cannot possibly know what 'they' would or wouldn't be happy with. Just because you wouldn't be happy with it doesn't mean others are the same.

I can't believe I've having to explain this to an adult. Assuming you are an adult.

But why not? He's not gay. He's not irresistible. If I didn't think he was faithful we'd be dovorced

Who's "THEY"?? on what basis do you get to decide all the people supporting oparw homophobic?

You've listened to him and even checked to see about separate rooms and potentially upset your friend to boot. Enough already. Don't let him taint your time away and spoil what you've been looking forward to. He sounds jealous of your relationship anyway so please don't give him any more credence. It's likely your relationship with her will outlast the one with him.

'Straight guys sleeping together in a bed is not "normal"'

• I do think there is a sex difference here. There's much more of a taboo about male friends sharing a bed, though it's unfair, so it does make it more likely that there could be an alternate motivation there.

It's much more normalised for 2 female friends to share a bed, so it makes it more likely there's no other motive.

Agree with Velvetandleather's post.

This bit : 'I doubt that's considered heterophobic, but you could level exactly the same charge of, "why do you assume every straight person fancies everyone of the opposite sex?" in similarly outrages tones.'

• personally, my reservations about that would be primarily about men. I suspect at least some posters may be the same .

Obviously this isn't a male-only thing, but I think it's more common for men to be attracted to female friends even if the relationship is platonic, and for them to potentially make a move if a suitable situation arises. I personally would be somewhat suspicious of a man wanting to share with a lesbian friend too- I wouldn't expect her to be interested in him, but I have a lesbian friend who has had a trusted male friend make advances in that situation.

Secondly, it is generally less common for men & women to be platonically close to the extent of bed sharing. I don't think acknowledging that is 'heterophobic' either.

Which posts have said this?

'All other combinations are allowed (including two gay men / 2 gay women) because...[reasons I have not worked out]'

• again, my reservations are about men. I would be a bit more suspicious of 2 gay or bi women sharing- but then I'm bi and have bi and lesbian friends who are close & fully platonic, so I could see that being the situation.

I'm sure it's possible for 2 gay or bi men to platonically share but I think it's less likely. Obviously individuals vary.

'They think men are gay (not even bi) for the silliest things and they think it is disgusting for the most part. They think men are gay for wanting certain sex acts with women.'

• can you show me examples of this? I've been on plenty of threads and haven't seen these kinds of opinions. How long have you been on Mumsnet? (Your posting history is very short).

What sex acts do you mean? I've never seen posters say wanting anal makes a man gay (if that's what you mean). Or are you referring to pegging?

There’s a world of difference between the dynamic between lesbians and their straight women friends, and straight men and their straight women friends. I would (have) unconcernedly changed for swimming in an open changing room with new lesbian women friends. I wouldn’t dream of doing that in front of even longstanding male friends.

I do by previous threads. If someone thinks a man is gay because he wants his GF to peg him, then they're going to think he is gay for wanting to sleep in bed with a gay man.

Yes I've seen that said on here.

I could go back and grab the posts I'm inferring from but essentially it's the posters saying, "it's different if it's a woman and a man".

It's possible they just haven't thought of the fact that two friends who are men could both be gay or two women both lesbians and therefore they actually fall into my Reasoning B or C instead, of course!

Would you say you fall into "it depends on the sexuality of my partner" (i.e. you as a woman would be comfortable with your straight male partner sharing with a gay male friend because your partner is straight, or you as a man would be comfortable with your gay male partner sharing with a woman because he's gay) or "men are the problem" in that if your partner is male he shouldn't be sharing with anyone regardless of his orientation?

Possibly the best differentiating test would be if your partner was a bisexual woman, would you be happy for her to share a bed with another woman but not a man?!

(The potential rules on this are getting very complicated to the point I'm wondering if my blanket "no sharing with anyone" is subconsciously just for an easy life!😆)

Your husband reaction is far more normal.

Sorry, last thought: so if your male partner said, "do you won't let me share a bed with my female friends because you don't trust me" that would be a pretty fair and accurate thing to say?

I realise that sounds goady, which is not my intention, but I would have thought a lot of women would deny that that is the reason, and the man in question would be mortally offended if she admitted it.

So a few random women then, not some mass collective. Because most of us are gornwups.

No, most here