Boyfriend doesn't want me sharing a bed with Bestfriend on trip

[okiedokieokayy]

My best friend of around 8 years (we met at uni) has been living abroad for over two years and is finally coming back to the UK next month. I've been so excited to see her. To mark the occasion and make sure we actually get proper quality time together, we booked a little countryside retreat about 4 hours from where I live. Logistics also played a part, as she's coming from visiting family and then jetting off again, so this was the easiest way to make it work. We've had this trip planned for about four months. She made the booking and I was more than happy for her to sort it.
For context, my friend and I have shared a bed completely platonically loads of times over the years. Drunkenly crashing at uni, travelling together as broke backpackers, visiting each other in different cities. It's just never been a thing. So when she booked the room it genuinely didn't occur to me to ask about the bed situation. I'd have been fine with sharing or a twin, it just wasn't a question that entered my head.
It only came up when I was chatting to my boyfriend of nearly two and a half years about the trip. Not the first conversation we've had about it, like I said I've been excited, but this time the topic of rooms came up. He'd assumed we had separate rooms and when I said no, it's one room with a double, his whole mood changed. He said he wasn't comfortable with me sharing a bed with her. I should mention here that my friend happens to be a lesbian, and he knows this. When I asked why it was suddenly an issue, he said it "just feels different" and that he wouldn't share a bed with someone who could potentially be attracted to him, so he didn't see why I would. I tried to explain that we've shared beds plenty of times before, that she's basically family to me, and that she has never once, in eight years, shown even a hint of interest in me like that. He wasn't having it.
He then asked me to at least check if the hotel had twin rooms. I did check, to keep the peace, and there aren't any available. His response was that I need to book a separate room. It's a lot of money and honestly I'm not sure I can afford it, especially for something I don't think is necessary.
The bit that's really bothering me is that I mentioned it to my friend. I told her what he'd said and after some conversation I floated the idea that maybe I should just book the separate room. She went quiet for a second and then said "erm, yeah, okay, if that's what you think's best." There was a definite tone in her voice, like she was holding something back and trying not to cause drama. And now I feel awful. I can't work out if I'm more upset that my boyfriend doesn't seem to trust my judgement, or worried that she's hurt by the inference, because let's be honest, the implication is that because she's gay she can't be trusted to share a bed with a friend, which feels really unfair on her.
I know some people here will use the "what if she was a guy" or "would you be okay with your boyfriend sharing a bed with a straight female friend" argument, and I get why, but I'm honestly not sure it's the same thing. This is someone I've known for nearly a decade with zero history or hint of anything romantic. I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do. Do I pay for a room I can't really afford to keep my boyfriend happy, or hold my ground and risk a row? And is it unreasonable of me to feel a bit insulted on my friend's behalf?

I have executed a 180 degree turn and am walking patiently out of this co-created cul-de-sac.

You just said "Let's assume then that the OP is attracted to her friend"

'. It's about comfort with intimacy. She has sex with other women, so sleeping next to one as an adult is familiar to her. Even nice. Especially if there is physical affection shared.'

• but if you look at this thread alone, quite a few straight women are comfortable with sharing beds with close female friends. So clearly it's not only lesbians who feel that way.

And then went on to some premeditated seduction thing i might add.

I don't think many women admitting they routinely choose to and then get miffed when it doesn't happen

For illustrative purposes, based on your posts, not because I think OP is bisexual. I think she is straight, for reasons I have noted.

Hi all! Thank you to everyone who's responded with their POV. Wow. I did not expect this much polarisation, or some of the genuinely out there takes. Just got in from work so I'm only now sitting down to read everything properly. I'll work through the replies as I go, there's a fair few things I want to address, and I've got a bit of an update after chatting to my friend too, but it might take me a while so bear with . But in short : had convo with friend - it was a good long conversation with an apology, listening , her talking about what she was and wasn’t “upset” about (in quotes for shorthand because it’s more nuanced than that ) and we ended in a good place) stuff will BF will go over more when I’ve more got head around it (not that I’m not having thoughts and haven’t acted at all but again lots to process and catch up on ) . I’ll start by addressing a few of the most urgent pounds I want to flag/respond to :
One thing I need to say straight away though. SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND. I honestly thought that said everything on its own. Eight years of a deep, lovely, completely platonic friendship with someone I trust infinitely. And to be clear about who this next bit is aimed at, because it's not everyone who disagrees with me. If your view is basically 'nobody should share a bed with anyone who could theoretically fancy them', fine. I think you're wrong, but at least you're consistent. Who I'm actually talking to is the people speculating that she has feelings for me, that the booking was 'telling', that she's probably single and pining after me. Come on.

Her fancying me makes about as much sense as her fancying her sister, and same goes for me. I know this because I know her and she knows me. That's how being best friends works. Eight years, thick and thin, shared beds, drunk nights, stressful times, and nothing has ever come close to happening. It's not like it's some unspoken subject either. It's come up loads over the years in normal life. Her telling me about her dating and her type. People asking if we're together and us laughing it off. Our own jokes about it. Every single time, it's just been two mates with a deep, entirely non romantic connection . There's no world where she's lying to me about how she feels. And even in some made up world where she was, there's no world where she'd try it on with her best friend. Yes, I know stories exist of people being totally blindsided by a friend, and no, I can't be one hundred percent certain, but nobody can be one hundred percent certain of anything. I'm damn near it though, and getting from what I've actually told you to 'this is realistically possible' is a massive leap, and one that rests on homophobic stereotypes and assumptions. Oh, and she did not have a 'meltdown' about the separate room. She said 'okay, if that's what you think is best'. How some of you got a meltdown out of that, I really don't know. That's not how I presented it and not what I was asking.

Since a few of you asked, I'm straight. I didn't mention it originally, not on purpose, but honestly I don't think it matters much. My certainty doesn't come from being straight, it comes from knowing myself and knowing her. Between 'best friend' and me telling him outright there's no attraction on either side, my boyfriend has everything he needs to trust that I know what this relationship is. And even if I were bi, I'm in a committed relationship, so it would still come down to trust.

For those asking if I'd be okay with him sharing a bed with a gay friend he was that close to. Yes. I actually went further in an earlier reply when someone asked about an attractive straight woman he swore was platonic. Been thinking about that a lot since our argument and honestly? Still yes. If it was a proper longstanding friendship like mine and he'd reassured me the way I've reassured him, I'd take him at his word. I know that'll blow a few minds, and I know some of you think I'm naive for believing properly platonic friendship can exist between people who could in theory fancy each other. But I do. That said, I'm not sure my answer there should even be the takeaway. As I said in my OP, and as plenty of you have argued yourselves, the comparison isn't quite the same, so even if I wouldn't have been okay with the reverse, I don't think that would automatically make his take justified.

To be fair, you do seem to be inventing situations that make this story different to what has been presented to us.

Okay, you're straight.

My advice is to consider compromising and working within your boyfriend's boundaries, as he should yours to a reasonable degree. In my opinion, not sharing a bed with someone who is sexually attracted to women isn't an unreasonable ask. It's quite normal for adult friends to have separate beds or even rooms on holiday.

I wouldn't throw away an otherwise good relationship just to be able to share a bed with someone else. Sex or no sex.

No, not really. The OP didn't say she was straight until now.

I refer you to my previous posts on this subject. You are quite determined to be as obtuse as possible here, for reasons unclear.

Exactly the same! My best friend of 25 years comes to stay around once a month and my husband sleeps in the spare room! We've always shared a bed, got changed in front of each other etc. We're both bi, have joked about getting it on, but never have, as we wouldn't want to spoil our friendship. My husband doesn't blink an eyelid, he knows we chatter and laugh when we get to bed, so he's happy to let us crack on!

@okiedokieokayy you seriously need to rethink this relationship. If he's this jealous and controlling about this issue with your best friend, who you've known longer than him, then what else is going to creep in along the line? No point making excuses for him, this is a red flag to me.
Nip it in the bud, state your intentions clearly, let him know it's definitely a him problem, you're changing nothing and go have a fantastic catch up! (Hopefully you can patch things up with your friend, I do agree you shouldn't have told her, argument aftermath or not. She didn't need to be told). 🌻

Yes, pp seems to have been in situations that upset her, and fair enough, but it's unfair to project that emotion so much onto the OP. If people start reading far more into the AIBU than can reasonably be ascertained, then the point of doing one goes out of the window.

If this was the other way around and your DP was sharing a bed with an old friend (who happened to be gay) would you be bothered? I certainly wouldn't - if my DP insists that it's always been platonic. I would view it as sharing a bed with a sibling. He's being a dick. A controlling dick.

Ah no, I've never had a partner who wanted to sleep in bed with a friend.

Neither have I, but my DH has slept in a tent with my brothers (years back) and no, I didn't immediately think oh, it's all just a rouse and they're all wanting to go at it hammer and tongue, a la 'brokeback mountain' lol lol

Sure. What about if they were in the same sleeping bag?

On a fishing trip....

I’d just like to say to @VointofPiewthat OP can have boundaries around his own beliefs and behaviour, but that does not give him the right to impose them on his gf.
I’d be giving him a hard talking to about his nasty, suspicious attitude.

No but he can certainly say that he isn't interested in a relationship with someone who wants to share a bed with her lesbian friend.

I think you’re so desperate to justify your ridiculous and insecure position that you’re literally twisting words to try and “win”. The situation you present doesn’t relate to the one in the OP.

At the end of the day, OP, this comes down to you being free to make your choices and him making his in response.

Whether or not he's 'justified' in feeling the way he does or not (in your view or anyone else's), you have to make your choices knowing that that's how he feels and knowing how your friend feels too.

You just have to make your choices with your eyes open and in this case you know that sharing a bed with this friend may result in your boyfriend choosing to end your relationship, either immediately or because or will sour things over time. That's OK and allowed (on both your parts).

On the other hand, you choosing not to share a bed in order to spare your boyfriend's feelings may lead to whatever it may lead to with your best friend and you'd have to be prepared for that outcome too.

You get to make your choices but you don't get to dictate how other people respond to them or (in my opinion) seek to demonise them for their responsive choices. Their responsive choices are them holding their own boundaries and they're entitled to do so.

Good luck.

My best friend is a lesbian. I have shared a bed with her many, many times over the years. My husband has never batted an eyelid about it.

I don't know that it's anything to do with him.

Just say if anything happens you'll send him a video 🤣 Then tell him to get over himself.

Surely the issue with bed-sharing (if you have an issue) is whether OP is/might be attracted to the person she's sharing with, not whether they might be attracted to her? It's a shame OP has risked her friendship for someone who appears not to trust her judgement/fidelity.