Boyfriend doesn't want me sharing a bed with Bestfriend on trip

[okiedokieokayy]

My best friend of around 8 years (we met at uni) has been living abroad for over two years and is finally coming back to the UK next month. I've been so excited to see her. To mark the occasion and make sure we actually get proper quality time together, we booked a little countryside retreat about 4 hours from where I live. Logistics also played a part, as she's coming from visiting family and then jetting off again, so this was the easiest way to make it work. We've had this trip planned for about four months. She made the booking and I was more than happy for her to sort it.
For context, my friend and I have shared a bed completely platonically loads of times over the years. Drunkenly crashing at uni, travelling together as broke backpackers, visiting each other in different cities. It's just never been a thing. So when she booked the room it genuinely didn't occur to me to ask about the bed situation. I'd have been fine with sharing or a twin, it just wasn't a question that entered my head.
It only came up when I was chatting to my boyfriend of nearly two and a half years about the trip. Not the first conversation we've had about it, like I said I've been excited, but this time the topic of rooms came up. He'd assumed we had separate rooms and when I said no, it's one room with a double, his whole mood changed. He said he wasn't comfortable with me sharing a bed with her. I should mention here that my friend happens to be a lesbian, and he knows this. When I asked why it was suddenly an issue, he said it "just feels different" and that he wouldn't share a bed with someone who could potentially be attracted to him, so he didn't see why I would. I tried to explain that we've shared beds plenty of times before, that she's basically family to me, and that she has never once, in eight years, shown even a hint of interest in me like that. He wasn't having it.
He then asked me to at least check if the hotel had twin rooms. I did check, to keep the peace, and there aren't any available. His response was that I need to book a separate room. It's a lot of money and honestly I'm not sure I can afford it, especially for something I don't think is necessary.
The bit that's really bothering me is that I mentioned it to my friend. I told her what he'd said and after some conversation I floated the idea that maybe I should just book the separate room. She went quiet for a second and then said "erm, yeah, okay, if that's what you think's best." There was a definite tone in her voice, like she was holding something back and trying not to cause drama. And now I feel awful. I can't work out if I'm more upset that my boyfriend doesn't seem to trust my judgement, or worried that she's hurt by the inference, because let's be honest, the implication is that because she's gay she can't be trusted to share a bed with a friend, which feels really unfair on her.
I know some people here will use the "what if she was a guy" or "would you be okay with your boyfriend sharing a bed with a straight female friend" argument, and I get why, but I'm honestly not sure it's the same thing. This is someone I've known for nearly a decade with zero history or hint of anything romantic. I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do. Do I pay for a room I can't really afford to keep my boyfriend happy, or hold my ground and risk a row? And is it unreasonable of me to feel a bit insulted on my friend's behalf?

And it seems to me that you're avoiding the logical conclusion by going on the personal attack rather than engaging with the argument.

I won't speculate as to why that is but it seems that you specifically want it not to be OK for platonic men and women friends to share a bed, but can't articulate why.

I think your position as stated is illogical, as I set out, but lots of us hold illogical positions for reasons we can't quite get to or won't admit (myself included, I'm sure).

It becomes unpleasant when someone feels so defensive about it that they just attack the person putting forward the argument personally rather than asking themselves the 'whys'.

I feel absolutely no need to justify myself to you or to 'win' against anyone. If people are happy with their partners sharing beds with others and it causes no ructions in their lives that is genuinely great. I have no need or desire to take that away from them.

It's not for me and I was surprised that this thread went the way it did as I had blithely assumed that more people would default to my position because it's not really something that's come up en masse amongst my friends before so I'd never realised or thought that my position was particularly unusual. It's interesting (to me) when you unexpectedly find out that you're in a minority of opinion to dig and find out whether there is reasoning you've missed.

Some people consistently feel very different about bed sharing in general (like the pleasant poster I was exchanging messages with to begin with) which makes perfect sense to me, even if I don't share that feeling. Your position is currently not coherent to me but you have no obligation to make it so.

Well this did make me laugh!

Friends before bellends always. Why risk a long friendship? Take this from Someone who nearly lost my best, ride or die, friend (then of 25yrs) because of a controlling man.

The worry is a him thing, you know you're not going to cheat, so stick to your plan, have a great time.
If he's still having a tantrum or does anything while you're away to jeopardise your friendship, you need to rethink what is more important. Why doesn't he trust you? Is he not afraid of any men trying it on any other time?! Why just your gay friend? Sounds homophobic and if he cannot accept your friend, again, prioritise who means most to you.

Hope your friend is okay. Hope you both have a brilliant break and catch up! X

Your bf is an idiot.
Why did you even listen to him?
No wonder your friend is upset

Your poor friend! I’d have stamped this out straight away, it’s such an odd thing to get worked up about. Is he generally like this? I also think you’ll be setting a standard (I.e low) if you accept this from him and he will continue to roll with his bizarre requests. This is a ridiculous request from him. I would be calling your friend to apologise and tell her you’ve thought it through and you think your bf is ridiculous and you’ve told him so.

Have you sorted stuff out with her yet op?

A pp's "friends before bellends" sumscitcuo perfectly

your poor friend how awkward she must have felt when you said that to her . He’s being completely unreasonable and controlling.

It comes down to this: He either trusts you or he doesn't and he either trusts your judgement or he doesn't. No way would I be changing the booking (and setting a president for the future). The rest is up to him. He's telling you his values and his limitations. If they don't align with yours you have an issue. Its not a deal beaker but a conversation is needed and if he can't see a way through you may have to part. I really don't think you should change fundamentally who you are for his narrow mindedness.

Men think with their dicks. He's being an arsehole. If he doesn't trust you, that's his problem not yours.

It’s sounds like he has having a fear of missing out and there is more to his thinking than you know!

Hmm except it was pretty obvious to everyone who wasn’t hell bent on making some spurious point because they’d dug in hard and now was clutching at straws to try and make their argument stand up….. again, I repeat, your points were all over the place, based on negatives not being stated, comparisons which were highly tenuous and based on anecdotal evidence and claims about what you thought people might do in certain circumstances.

Quick update. Called her today after work . Not going to type out the whole conversation, it was very long with both of our input and back and forth (we’re actually as a cornerstone of of friendship really good at talking things out if/ when it comes to it - always have been -not one sided) , but here's the gist of the bits relevant to this thread very paraphrased :

I told her I regretted even floating the separate room idea, and that I hadn't pushed back on him as hard as I should have. I said I didn't really know why I'd caved instead of just telling him flat out that treating her like some kind of risk was ridiculous.

She admitted she'd been a little upset, but also added some things : she was Not ‘devastated’ , more caught off guard. She said if it had actually gutted her she'd have said so on the spot or very shortly after, because that's just how she operates with anyone, me included, and she wasn't about to start making an exception now. Her going quiet on the phone was less about hiding hurt and more about not wanting to say something about my relationship that she couldn't take back later in a moment of reactionary hurt (if she ever comments about my relationships it’s respectful) .

She also said the pause was partly because it's so unlike me to suggest something purely to dodge a row with a partner, and partly because she genuinely had thoughts on how he'd reacted but was holding them back on purpose. Didn't want to react in the heat of the moment or make it about her when it wasn't really her issue to carry.

• she said there's no version of eight years and everything we've been through where she'd think I genuinely doubted her because of her sexuality and this instance did not change that . She got why I said what I said in the moment, tired, ambushed by the topic, trying to keep the peace, and she wasn't holding it against me.

To be clear, I'm not just leaving it there either. I told her I still intend to sort things properly with him, and that she’s an important part of my life and I won’t stand for baseless judgemental assumptions being held about her .

She also said again that she's genuinely fine with whatever I land on for the room and whatever I decide but she was added that that’s only only true if it's actually my call and not me quietly folding when I don’t sound like I want to . Basically she'd rather I made a decision I could stand behind than one that just made the conflict go away. Hearing her put it like that actually settled something for me, and I told her no, we're keeping the original booking, one room, like we planned.

So. Me and her are good. The boyfriend situation is still very much a work in progress, both in my head and in terms of the actual conversation we still need to have and dependant on that conversation

I think this is a quite rude and loaded question you asked @Ditchthebitch and his reply was more gracious than your question deserved.
Fwiw, my DH has a close group of childhood friends, one of whom is gay, and I'm 99% sure he's shared a bed/tent/bit of the floor after a houseparty with him over the years. Honestly I would think significantly less of him if he was at all weird about one of his friends in the way you're suggesting.

I don't think it was obvious at all and I still think the whole sharing a bed thing is odd.

I think it's really normal for women with close friends to have shared a bed with them in teenage/early adulthood, and therefore to enjoy doing it "for old times sake" as adults - or indeed to do it to save money. I've got 3-4 really close friends (plus a sister) I would unblinkingly share a bed with. Do you have close female friends?

Well then you were in the minority. There’s no one so righteous as someone who’s been made to look foolish.

I think life moves on to a point where it does become more normal to have separate beds with friends. I booked a weekend away for 5 female friends recently and when checking the brief for what I was looking for was told that sharing rooms was fine, sharing a bed was not. I have another group of women that I go away with every year to CenterParcs - that is two double beds and two twins - and it’s acknowledged that not everyone would be comfortable sharing one of the doubles, even though we’ve known each other over 10 years.

No it's not! If he had a boyhood friend who was gay, and was sharing a double bed with him on holiday, THAT would be the same!

given the number of people on here saying they do it, you need to less narrow minded and more open to expanding your world view

it doesn't suit you because you like your space / snore and sweat too much / assume they'd want to caress you in the night etc

your individual preference doesn't make a thing odd.

it makes it not for you.

if lots of people do something, it isn't odd. it's a different choice to yours

Just tell him the hotel is supplying a trundle bed and you will be sharing a room after all.

he doesn’t need to know you haven’t actually requested one… and if he double checks with the hotel, then you know what type of fellow he is.

If he wants you to have a separate room and you can't afford it tell bf he should pay for the additional room. He's not being unreasonable but I feel sorry for your friend who has her feelings hurt.

why lie? she's not doing anything wrong.

in what way is he reasonable? op has shared a bed with her best mate for years, suddenly it's not ok cos he's imagining the sex they're both supposedly desperate to have and which they'll only have if they lie in the same bed? if they fancy each other they can have sex in both rooms and then sleep in their own beds but one doesn't fancy the other bad the other doesn't fancy women.

One of my best friends is a lesbian and DH doesn’t feel threatened by her at all because apparently “if she’d wanted to pull you she probably would have by now” 😂. In the 15 years I’ve known her, not even the slightest interest, probs because most lesbians want other lesbians or at least a bisexual. Your BF is being weird.

It was only not obvious if your foundational position was that the OP was not posting in good faith.