My life really is all about my children

[lifeisjust]

I don’t mean that title in a martyr like way. Just scrolling instagram and one of my friends is at a festival and good for her, genuinely.

Our children are almost exactly the same age: her oldest DD was born two months after my DS and our younger DDs were born on the same day, so five and three. The thought of going to a festival is unthinkable as I have no one to have my children. I mean, I wouldn’t want to go anyway but sometimes I do kind of wish my camera roll had things on it that aren’t just the kids, gorgeous as they are …

But what? Where do I even start? Help!

I don't think you're giving yourself nearly enough credit OP, you have two small dc and work. On top of that you have had to navigate the death of your husband.
Having something for yourself is an excellent idea and I am very impressed that you have the emotional energy to even consider this.

As they get older, they need you less, and you get more time to yourself. It’s something that gradually evolves. My hobbies when they were young were small and home based, like gardening, crochet, sewing, sketching, reading, baking, cake decorating. Things that could be picked up and put down.

Dh leaned in to photography during this phase and took hundreds of photos of the dc, and we went on wildlife walks as family activities.

As teens they’re delighted with an empty house now and then, and it’s not as much of an issue to go out for an evening, plus their own social lives take off.

You could do something nice for yourself and we all need a break once in a while but better to be like you than some selfish parent who is always dumping their kids on other people and making themselves the priority, rather than their children, particularly if they are young.

Honestly OP I was the same but now my DS is 20 I am trying to get my life back, a lot of gyms round here have an area you can leave the kids in while you do a class, would you be interested in doing that?

I think unfortunately when you're a single parent, and you don't have willing parents, it's just going to be like this at the point. Do your PIL. see the kids much? Could you maybe split kid childcare so each set gets one kid at the same time?

How about a monthly cinema pass? You could take the kdis soem weekends but also get childcare for one night a week / fortnight? Do you work full time?
Any good gigs coming up? Theatre?

You’ve had until your 40s child free though. You obviously expected your DH to be there to share the load as older parents together.

Have they no aunts and uncles or older cousins?

I think you could find an art or creative writing class that you could do on a Tuesday, if you look now for September. I can relate to boring stuff filling up the day "off" (I'm a teacher so always have a marking pile) which is why it's important that whatever you do is booked and paid for and takes place at a specific time!

Do you want to go on holiday without them I didn't have anyone to leave my children with overnight but it never bothered me because I never wanted to do that anyway

I used to draw with the kids when they were young

We would set up a still life consisting of plastic dinosaurs, Lego figures, toys basically that they chose

And I would attempt to teach them how to draw by doing it along side
It refreshed my drawing observation skills and they had fun and got better

I bought cheap small canvases from the works, the really small (6”x4”) ones, set of cheap acrylics and brushes and we did a session of Lego figure portraits (which still hang on the walls), I taught them basic proportions and shadow, mixing colours.

As an idea

You could take a photo of the “finished” masterpieces all lined up

I would just switch to doing chore and house things in the evenings or on the weekend and prioritise taking Tuesday to yourself.
You have a day every week you could use to invest in yourself, you need to be taking it. No point wasting a day off work while kids are in school just generally cleaning up or doing a food shop!

At that age, kids are ok to hang around with you. What do you like doing? Exploring a new city? Galleries? Music in a park? Go, and take the kids with you. This is what I did all the time.
Definitely try to do some chores during the week and Tuesdays is your day. What would you like to do? An activity? A hobby? Explore? Meet people?

Why wouldn’t she? I have lots of friends with kids who go on holiday without their children, do you think theres something wrong with that? Why wouldnt she want a break 🤷‍♀️ parenting alone is hard!

Try being a bit more intentional with your Tuesdays - even just one a month. Plan a trip to a gallery or something and then catch up on the chores when you have the kids (cleaning or shopping or whatever can be done with them in tow even though it's harder).
Have a monthly date with yourself where you prioritise trying something you may enjoy for yourself. I think it would make a huge difference to how you feel about life in this phase.

I joined the gym and a yoga class a couple of years ago and it has been transformative (not just physically).
Also have an in person book club once a month and a whatsapp based book club where the members are spread around geographically so we just chat over messages.

What interests you? I love yoga but you might find it deathly boring so that would be rubbish advice. Identify what you get pleasure from and make a conscious effort to carve out time to do it. Do it without guilt, your children will benefit as well if you're happy and engaging with things you enjoy, and IMO it's important they grow up to recognise that you don't only exist to meet their needs.

Perhaps look into an allotment if you enjoy gardening? That can be done with or without the children, enjoyable for you and great learning for them.
Our local community centre does pay what you can music lessons for adults and children, there might be something similar in your area that you could explore.

I've taken my children to festivals and concerts since they were young so if that's something you're interested in but childcare is an issue there are ways to still do it, although I appreciate it may be about more broadening your horizons outside of being 'mum' more than the activity of the festival itself.

Are any of your kids in nursery? We have one of the girls from nursery baby sit so we can get the odd date night. It’s win win as extra cash for them and the kids know and love them, plus it’s a financial transaction so doesn’t come with feeling like someone’s doing you a favour. I’m not saying it’s the same as I have my partner, but we are in the armed forces so move every couple of years and really don’t have a village, so that part of what you’re saying sounds really nice.

I remember this stage and my husband looking at his friends whose kids were about 5 years older and saying “they seem to have such fun” - it does get easier to do things as they get older.
If not a festival, can you at least get a babysitter and have a fun night out?

I don't think there's anything wrong with centering your life around children while they are little. It's probably 10-15 years out of a lifetime.