My life really is all about my children

[lifeisjust]

I don’t mean that title in a martyr like way. Just scrolling instagram and one of my friends is at a festival and good for her, genuinely.

Our children are almost exactly the same age: her oldest DD was born two months after my DS and our younger DDs were born on the same day, so five and three. The thought of going to a festival is unthinkable as I have no one to have my children. I mean, I wouldn’t want to go anyway but sometimes I do kind of wish my camera roll had things on it that aren’t just the kids, gorgeous as they are …

But what? Where do I even start? Help!

Try and build something into your life that is just for you. There must be times when they are at school or clubs etc.

E.g my local council runs both in-person and online reading groups that are great for adult conversations and meeting different people.

Your kids won't be dependent on you forever and you should continue to network and not rely too much on 'Mum friends' as they can be a passing phase in your life especially if the kids drift apart and make new friendships.

My children are older and I have an adult child who is disabled.
I'm a single parent, no support network, family or 'village'.

I rarely get time to myself since my son finished college.

I don't have a social life and haven't ever dated ot had any kind of relationship since my exdh left.

Its just how it is.
I read, do gardening, watch films/series and do DIY. Been like this for many years and very unlikely to change.

The best piece of parenting advice i ever received was to always have one passion in life that isn't to do with your children.
Before you know ot they are up and grown, and you need to be able go fill the hole.

I feel similar. I have dh but money is tight and all our money goes on the dc.

Single parenting 3 little ones is hard, you are in the trenches . Time will come for you to get some time for you back. So they go to their dads at all?

Your kids are so young; it won’t aways be this hard. I have a dh so I am lucky to get “parental respite breaks”. But just in case it does stay hard to get an escape, we found that a couple of things helped massively with dc2:

• making sure he can walk miles and miles without complaining
• teaching him to cycle - he is 7 and can cheerfully do a 20 mile bike ride now
• teaching him to swim - I take dc to the pool nearly every week and he can happily do 25m, jump and dive in.
• put the kids in Beavers - You could volunteer to help! It’s very sociable and cheap and helps the kids become independent

Life can feel adult even when you have kids in tow.

I’ve only got the two @zebrazoop !

Thanks all. I do think it’s normal and natural that at this stage they are the focus of my life but I recognise that will change and I will be able to leave them for short bursts etc. It is hard as there’s always so much to do! So any time I do get without the children is spent dashing about doing things that are difficult to do with children like dentist appointments and car services and so on!

How old are tour children @lifeisjust and is their dad around for shared parenting?

My friend is a single parent and has built a social life on the weekends that her kids are at their dad's place. She volunteers at a foodbank and is now a casual match day assistant at her local football club. She does one match a month & the money she earns is put towards a caravan holiday. She loves her childfree weekends and has met loads of new friends.

Is something like this possible or do you have your kids full time?

Five and three - so unfortunately too young for beavers etc. Actually ds(5) does squirrels but I have dd anyway

I think it depends what you want and need .
If you really dont want to leave your young children,thats fine cosider it a season of life that will pass quickly and you'll be free soon enough to do other things.
If you want to attend a festival or any other childfree activity ,make it happen by arranging childcare.
Some respite from childcare can be rejuvenating .

Who had your first child while you were giving birth to your second?
Surely you have so woe in your life who must have minded your children before?
Is the dad not involved whatsoever?

Some of the things you’re talking about can still be done with children if that age, mine are similar and if we’re in the garden I’m not actively playing with them all the time. They are playing and I’m tidying up the garden, doing a project, reading a book.

It’s not the same as a festival but you can definitely fulfill some hobbies along side your children.
Do you work? Could you take an annual leave day once every 2/3 months and spend it on something fulfilling?
If you don’t work surely your 3 year old will be in preschool after the summer?

I’m a single parent, I really get this. I know in theory it’s possible to get a bbabysitter but where I live the going rate is £10 which would add £40 to the cost of popping out for a drink locally or going to the cinema and it just doesn’t seem worth it.

I've also had friends (in relationships) suggest I team up with another singles mum so we can babysit for each other but I can’t work how taking my toddler either me to babysit someone else’s child would be anything other than a massive pain

I get it. I don’t have any family (mine or dhs) in the same country. Trying to do anything without kids is very very hard, relying on mutual favours or expensive babysitters. It is what it is but occasionally I do feel jealous of friends doing fun things because both grannies are desperate to have the kids. My day will come.

@Fluffyscrubberdo he died, so when I had dd ds was actually at nursery but in any event DH was around then.

I think it’s hard as lack of spontaneity - you can’t just randomly decide to do X and it’s fine my mum can have them.

So when the kids were that age we relied on 3 things 1) babysitters via the nursery they went to (not cheap!) 2) utilising some annual leave so we could go off in the day when they were at childcare 3) grandparents (we actually lived 150+ miles away but they’d have them for 1-2 weeks).

In terms of ‘another life’, my career was pretty important to me back then, that helped me have some division. But it wasn’t really until mine were nearly high school when I really started to pick up my own hobbies again, join a sports team etc. No reason for me to have waited that long other than that was when I got the urge to I suppose.

I was a lone parent with my first but had grandparents support. However it was mainly for work so I didn’t have a massive social life. However my work and hobbies (which looking back were more side hustles as I’d do things I enjoyed for extra income) became my social time. And I got to do cool things and go to places. A mum friend of mine said that when she saw my IG posts she thought I was always out, then when she got to know me she realised I was either at work or home and I actually spent a lot of time with my child - because she was the mum friend I would go out with during weekends and school holidays but we were always with our children.

I think a huge part of it is mindset. Me and my DD went everywhere together. I go to her stuff and she will come to my age appropriate stuff. We did galleries together (despite her many complaints), I took her to outdoor local festivals and we.danced together, but we did a lot at home too, we baked, I have a craft based hobby and she was part of that. We went to restaurants together, I have a picture of us at an Italian restaurant and we both have big glasses of juice that look like mocktails. I don’t post my children online - I talk about them, but early post unless it’s a story, just a personal choice, but I’m sure if I posted pictures of the resturant and my food and a selfie of myself, you’d think I was out being a grown up, but I’m actually spending time with my kid.

I also think it gets easier when they turn 5, as you have more summer clubs available. They are still very much dependent on you at 3, and it’s harder to find pockets of time.

If it’s a cool timeline you want, you can find ways to go on adventures with your children, capture nice pics and post them.

if you want more time for yourself doing adult stuff, lean on your village abit more, go out with some friends every now and then, or you can do something with your mums friends and have the children play. We did that a lot, we’d go on walks around interesting areas with the children and having another mum makes a difference.

When mine were small I only had the very occasional night out while my DM baby sat. I would never have wanted to leave them for longer.
The saying ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ is very true. Are you feeling like you want to do things because you see others having fun, or because you actually want to do these things? Your children are only young for a short time, enjoy them while you can.

I’m not really comparing myself - it is more that it made me think. I used that as an example but I tried to be clear I don’t necessarily want to go to a festival. I am more wondering what else I could get interested in other than my children!

What did you do before your children?
Or when you were a teenager with lots more time?

That was a long time ago - I was last a teenager in 1999 😅 so a different world. I always liked reading, was quite into art at one point. I’ll find myself again.

But it might give an indication of what you should think about doing as that was what you were drawn to when you had time.

Before kids, wasn’t that long ago.

What did you do during down time before kids?

There is nothing wrong with your life just being with your children whist they are young. Just because some other mums, who have family to give them babysitting choices, choose to go to festivals or weekends away doesn’t mean that your life isn’t as valid.

I would never have gone solo to a festival when our two were 5&3, even if I could have left them with H, I just didn’t want to. I went to festivals before kids and they were fun, but going as a responsible mum, didn’t appeal.

Social media is driven by people showing off and other people desiring to be what they see on the pictures, we went to London last week and saw the content creation in action, it’s built on sand, an image that can portray a lifestyle of effortless chic drifting along the embankment, capturing a chance moment of stunning sophistication - it is anything but, it’s running into a space whilst it’s free getting a friend to take a photo, checking photo and repeating the process until the “image” is “right”.

I would start by reading again once the kids are safe in bed. Escape into fiction and let your brain start thinking and being inspired again and see where it takes you.

I’m so sorry your DH died

If you are a single parent of a 5 and 3 year old and you don’t have supportive grandparents in the picture then I think it’s not surprising that you won’t get much child free time. If any. And I’m not sure it’s that helpful to tell you “you must carve out time for yourself” how??

What do you do for work? If you can do part time/compressed hours or wfh then you may be able to reclaim a bit of time to yourself when your younger one starts school. That’s not going to cover festivals but it would allow you to get into a hobby or exercise of some sort or even just see friends for coffee.

It probably isn’t a long time ago @frozendaisy - my honest answer would be that I definitely wasted a lot of time. My career was important to me then (it isn’t now) and I can’t really consider a career change. It was something I was toying with but then DH got unwell so that was that.

I also enjoyed reading and writing (for pleasure rather than publication) and will probably look to do those things again but again it is going to have to be when my children are older. And children do young do take a lot of resources and energy - you need some focus for creativity I think!

I am part time and currently have Tuesdays to ‘myself’ during term time as DD is at preschool but honestly it shoots by in a blur of necessary but dull tasks!

And thanks @minipie , I know my day will come again. It just honestly popped into my head when I saw my friends story on instagram that anything like that is like another country almost!

I think the fact you're coping with a 5 and 3 year old on your own after your dh died is amazing, plenty of time for hobbies etc later on. I'm so sorry about your dh x