My life really is all about my children

[lifeisjust]

I don’t mean that title in a martyr like way. Just scrolling instagram and one of my friends is at a festival and good for her, genuinely.

Our children are almost exactly the same age: her oldest DD was born two months after my DS and our younger DDs were born on the same day, so five and three. The thought of going to a festival is unthinkable as I have no one to have my children. I mean, I wouldn’t want to go anyway but sometimes I do kind of wish my camera roll had things on it that aren’t just the kids, gorgeous as they are …

But what? Where do I even start? Help!

Have they got a second parent? I mean this really kindly, but please do something for yourself. My mum was a single parent, didn’t date as didn’t want to bring any new men into our lives and now at 35 (I’m the youngest), I wish she had her own life. For her and for us!

I never had anyone to mind my children, which was fine, but I think it's important to have some interests of your own. I found things that I could do alongside the children. Do you play an instrument? Maybe you haven't picked it up in years? You can do that around your children. Start a small garden? Art? Cooking? Take the children out to explore new areas? What did you like before you have children?

Well I don’t exactly disagree @Btowngirl - but what? I feel like a lot of the things I used to enjoy aren’t really enjoyable with children and I can’t justify getting childcare to do them, so that’s hard. Even the majority of my friends are ‘mum’ friends!

I wish I could play an instrument … not musical in the slightest! Gardening would be nice, I can do that with the children around. And good for the camera roll!

I don’t think there is an issue with your friends being mum friends! But maybe try & see them outside of the kids? If you have no one to watch them for you, take a day of leave while they’re in childcare and treat yourself so something that makes you happy! Spa day with one of your mum friends or something? (If that’s appealing), garden centre & come home to do a bit of gardening in peace? Only you know the answer really I guess!

No dad or grandparents I take it?

Try and build a bit of a village, you may need to rely on someone to pick them up in an emergency never mind anything else.

I have a village (hence the friend who is at the festival - I mean, she is a friend!) but that’s not really what I’m posting about, it’s more that sense that I don’t do anything that isn’t with the children and thus child related.

Why not OP if you do have a village who can support you?

Do you want to do things yourself?

DH and I go on holiday every year alone and dates ,and I got out with friends as does he. It’s very important to me. Soon we’ll be able to bring our kids to our hobbies like comedies and gigs. We take them to festivals already- out 3 year old went to see rudimetal last year.

If you’re not bothered I get it but if you are, go for it.

But you can see that asking friends to have your children so you can go on holiday alone is a massive, huge ask and I’m not sure I’d be comfortable asking it. It’s one thing having a village in the sense of ‘could you pick DD up, I’ve been caught up at work’ - those last minute emergencies which happen - but there is a huge difference between that and extended childcare, especially overnight

Are you a single parent?

Yes

Do you want to do cool stuff, or stuff without your kids? I'm a single parent ( or maybe not now, she's 20, I guess that ends) but we always did loads of cool stuff. Festivals and city breaks and fun in different places doing different things. Who do you want fun with?

Can you get a weekly babysitter and go to a dance class?

@MurielTheTerrible but you must have had someone to leave your children with, who didn’t mind and perhaps even saw it as a pleasure?

In any case it isn’t about ‘cool’ stuff. It’s more realising that I don’t have anything that’s not child related in my life which perhaps isn’t a good thing, although it’s pointless comparing myself to others of course!

I wouldn’t want to do a dance class but I could perhaps look into something, although I’m not totally sure what!

When I had preschoolers I went to a women's group at the local church for a couple of hours a week. They had a space set aside where the children were looked after for a bit during the group. Maybe that's a good place to start?

I think people that have active grandparents have very different lives to those who don’t. If there is no second parent involved then that makes it doubly hard.
What I do try and do is carve out time in the day when my kids are at school. Gym, yoga etc. only possible if you work part time. My other favourite thing is beer gardens with play areas near them! Cricket clubs also good. Can you get your kids into cricket and find some like minded mum buddies? Or just find a good beer garden with play areas to give you some semblance of an evening out. Otherwise maybe it is time to find yourself a good babysitter.

It’s true re active grandparents: my friends children are almost certainly with either her parents or her PIL. So she’s been able to carry on with her life much as it was before children while mine is vastly, hugely different.

Sorry, that was my point. I always did lovely things, but with DD. I've been single forever, so wherever I went, she went too.

Can you get a babysitter so you can join
A book club
A choir
A sports club
A walking group
A heritage group

I'm a lone parent (widowed, so 100% on my own, and not much village) and I am grappling with this. I strongly feel it's important I have a life outside my child because I want her to feel she can go off and live her life when the time comes, and not feel she has to stay around to look after her lonely old mum who has nothing without her.

Some things I am doing or trying to do, with varying degrees of success:

• dating, not especially with the intention of finding something serious, but it's important to me to stay in touch with that side of myself
• go out once a month to a cinema or theatre show (something I loved pre child), I think it's important to do this even when I don't necessarily feel like it
• keep my friendships up with childfree friends. I really value their perspective. There is 100% an interesting and exciting life beyond motherhood.
• develop a hobby I can do at home. This is still a work in progress! Trying out embroidery at the moment and looking at jigsaws 😂

Point is though I do think it's important to have an identity beyond motherhood because one day you want your kids to spread their wings and then life will suddenly feel pretty empty if you don't.

Sorry @MurielTheTerrible i misunderstood you. Yes, we do nice things together and I guess as they get older we’ll end up on more an even playing field if you like but at the moment they are only little so I can’t expect them to just go along with my interests! But I do know what you mean, even things like enjoying being out in nature or wildlife.

I guess I don’t necessarily need to leave the house, just finding something I’m interested in and can do around / with children but where it isn’t aimed at children as such … so the garden was a really good example. Just nice to feel you have a bit of a project if that makes sense!

Do you specifically want to do stuff without DC?

Earlier poster was making the point that there's loads of great and mainly adult stuff you can do with DC in tow eg city breaks, festivals, physical hobbies.

If wanting time away from DC I do get it, as a single parent without family support you're limited to a few hours during school or with a baby sitter.

Yes, I misunderstood. I don’t necessarily want to do things without them but they are only five and three so I do have to be realistic about what they can manage and about what’s likely to be enjoyable.

I was in a bit of a similar situation. No family help, I did have a husband but he worked away a lot so I was on my own with the kids in the evenings quite a bit. Also, our second child was very challenging compared to the first so when he was around, we got into his guilt thing of always helping each other with bedtime because we knew how horrendous it was going to be.

By the time the youngest was 3 I realised I had never been away from her for even one night. So I did. I went away on a dog walking weekend with my best friend. Much easier for me, obviously because I could leave the kids with their dad.

The other more useful suggestion is that I found things to do at home. For example, I could never commit to a weekly yoga class because I didn’t know which evening he would be working. So instead I did an online course that I could do on my living room floor once a kids were in bed. It doesn’t sound like much I know, but it was just something that wasn’t work or kids!

This could be me writing this but also as a mum if I have money to go away we do something as a family
I’d feel bad spending money on myswlf to go away and leaving them at home - it wouldn’t sit well with me
they’re only young once they’ll soon have their own lives!