I am addicted to my DCs getting praise and awards.

[Thingsthatgo]

I know it’s a bit pathetic! As I child I got recognition very very rarely from school, clubs and my parents (I come from a large family, and they were just always too busy). I worked really hard at school until secondary, and then I coasted because it didn’t seem to make any difference what I did. No one really noticed.
My DCs are hard working, academic and social. They excel at school and are constantly praised and given awards. They get the main parts in shows and all of the extra opportunities in school - meeting visitors, going on trips and given prizes, badges and certificates as well as leadership opportunities. I am so proud of them both, but I have realised that I get quite a buzz from their achievements, which is maybe me seeking something that was missing from my own childhood. Not just being proud, but a kind of validation. This is all going to stop when they leave school, and it might leave me feeling quite empty.
Please don’t have a go at me, I know it’s not healthy. I just had a bit of a revelation, and needed to write it down. Chat

That’s all very well, but what are you going to do when your kids fail or screw up?

Oh I don’t let them know how I’m feeling. Of course I praise them when they get accomplishments like head boy or win awards, but I don’t go overboard. I mostly praise effort and trying again when they fail, and trying things they find difficult, helping other people and being kind. I watch their shows and tell them that they were great, as were their friends etc etc.
I have my own work (where I am boss so no one praises me!) and lots of hobbies, some of which are competitive but mostly creative.
I just get such a thrill out of their accomplishments. I don’t boast about it, and I don’t use social media - so it is just about me.

Take Head Boy for example. Being chosen to be Head Boy requires quite a lot of dedication - you've got to effectively suck up to most of your teachers most of the time, volunteer for events, be an all rounder... and then once you become Head Boy (depending on the school) it effectively becomes an unpaid part time job of speeches and tour-giving and more polite small talk with grandees.

And, after all that - it's a meaningless title that doesn't follow you after you leave school. Very few employers, or even university admissions, really give a shit that you were Head Boy. Nor do they particularly care that you helped win the House Cup, or got the Middle School History Prize.

Op, you may think that you've hidden from your kids that you crave vicarious glory but I promise you haven't hidden it. And eventually they will feel resentment and a sense of emptiness when they realise it was all a bit pointless.

Let them relax and focus on the stuff that will benefit them long term, like their core GCSEs and A levels, university applications, cultivating hobbies and friendships.

I had one such student in year 9. He missed a few homeworks in a row and spun me a tale about being off ill on the day before it was due - I looked up the absence record and he hadn't, and he admitted he'd lied - I gave him a medium-level "effort" assessment grade that term, rather than top level. His mum went apeshit and basically went on a crusade to try to get me fired: she said this had been his first non-top-effort-grade since he'd joined the school in year 7. Lengthy correspondence with the Head of Year, Head of Subject, even Pastoral Deputy Head. The boy sheepishly reverted to his lie about having been absent, even though he knew that I knew that he'd admitted to lying. He wrote me an angry email, presumably at his mother's instigation. Finally the school agreed to override the grade I gave him (I really couldn't care either way). At the next parents evening, I was just acting normal like none of it had happened, but the mum was really weird and was shaking and trembling, insisted to me that her son loved my lessons and it was his favourite subject. Poor kid didn't know where to look, it was so strange.

Three years later he became Head Boy.

Edit to add, I just wanted to give the mum a hug and say "Relax, none of this really matters." Really. Just step back and relax.

Do you think it’s because in a way it gives you a sense of accomplishment/achievement for yourself?

but the mum was really weird and was shaking and trembling

This is making me laugh quite a lot and I cannot explain why. 😂

Volunteer for a charity. You’ll get thanked every week and every time you mention it people will praise you.

It’s fine to get a buzz from this but be careful how you respond to your kids. If they get addicted to external validation and what others expect them to be like they will lose sense of their own values and sense of meaning in life. This will lead them to feel lost and unhappy. I work in a Russell group university and see this all the time.

When I first went to work in the private sector I was a young teacher and the school was full of teachers who had gone to school there and never worked in the public sector. The Head wanted some new ideas.
I had to take over a Year 13 class who were coasting. I had to teach them that year’s syllabus as well as Year 12’s as they’d hardly covered it.
When it came to mocks one student was promised a brand new luxury car if she got grade B and above in each subject. She got a low C for me.
Obviously her parents complained about me, my teaching methods, I was also called common. They went to the governors. I ended up in there with them having to go through schemes of work, lesson plans the works.
The results in my subject had been awful for a few years and I’d been brought on to boost them which I did.
The student still got her car and refused to speak to me for the rest of the year. Her two friends did the same. Despite my best efforts they all got C’s and were capable of more, but didn’t want to put the work in.
My favourite moment was when a student was messing on her calculator and she showed me a figure, say it was £61. She then told me that’s what her dad was paying for that lesson, she was bored and wanted a refund.
Charming!
You will be glad to know I declined the election lessons one of the senior teachers thought might help with my accent. There were ‘concerns it might be catching!’

Why do you think it will stop when they leave school? If the habit is ingrained which it sounds like it is, the likelihood is that you’ll carry on. I know someone who is like this with their adult children and I cringe for them.

You've made sure that your children know you are proud of their effort and achievement.

To somebody who hasn't experienced the most benign reaction as 'Meh', never mind the 'Don't you go getting ideas, you think you're so clever because that teacher gave you a prize <add in multiple ways you're thick, ugly and useless to knock any spark of self esteem out at the source>', the idea that seeing a child recognised and rewarded for something can give you a burst of joy for them not feeling invisible and unappreciated just doesn't compute. And for some, they hate it because they are making those same mistakes.

You're doing a great job. They know you're on their side and think they are wonderful - bet you always smile when they walk in the room, too.

Separate to that, yes, you would benefit from getting some hits of dopamine and a buzz about your own achievements and efforts. That can be anything you are interested in, whether it be sports/exercise related, music or performance based like taking part in a choir or anything else that makes you feel good about yourself. Can you think of anything? It doesn't have to be competitive in itself, feeling a sense of achievement is as valid as competing against yourself to do better, as long as you're competing against what you have done previously and not against the little voices in your head telling you that you are not good enough.

Even the greatest cheerleaders achieve things for themselves - the teams they cheer on can't do the same things they can in routines and cheer competitions exist precisely because they are valuable in themselves, not only in a supporting role. Time to cheer for yourself as well as your children.

It's honestly true, I was so taken aback... she'd sort of rehearsed meeting me for the first time, she was babbling a script without taking a breath "hello Ms Kingdom we just wanted to say how much Marmaduke loves your lessons..." etc and I barely got a word in. It was like she had a guilty conscience for going on this crusade against me. All this for one medium effort grade in one random year 9 subject, totally bonkers.

I have many other anecdotes similar to this but this was the one where he ended up Head Boy.

It’s good for kids to be happy to underperform and even give up on things. It’s unhealthy for people to think they must succeed at everything. Sometimes trying to get an A when a B will suffice is a good thing. Look at all the millions of Mumsnet posts where people have misplaced loyalty to shite partners, shite employers or shite friends. Sometimes failing or bailing or not giving it your all is the best decision.
id have hated the thought of my kids chosing to do things that they didn’t want to do because they didn’t want me to be dissapointed in them.
one of my DDs is a Doctor and said there were a fair few at her medical school who were there because their parents and schools steered them towards it and not because it was really their choice.

Yep, I've also seen the absurdly large monetary rewards for mediocre grades too. I went to a private school myself as a girl and several classmates had them, but my mum would never, haha.

Monetary rewards for grades is a recurring debate on mumsnet and I've got bogged into arguments about it before.

I'm sorry about the insults to your accent though, that is shockingly unacceptable and wish i knew which school that was, I'll avoid working there!

They know you're on their side and think they are wonderful - bet you always smile when they walk in the room, too.

I hope this is true and tbf I dont know op at all, so probably is. I'm not talking about op now but about parents I have known who meet the description in the op: they never really knew their children. They never listened properly about what they actually wanted or enjoyed or felt or anything like that.

These parents are identifiable early on. I got chatting with a mum at my 5yo's Sunday football class (I just sit on the side and "watch" ie tap on my phone). She said "it's usually my husband who takes my son to this class because I don't really know how to give feedback about football [compared to academic things]." I was a bit baffled until the class ended and she...gave feedback! She hadn't even been watching, she'd been chatting to me and we were the other end of the field, but she goes "well done Barnaby and I saw you were great in goal but you need to be more assertive when tackling" wtf, he is 5, there are coaches for that. There was no "did you enjoy it". Barnaby just rolled his eyes and ignored her, naturally.

Guaranteed this boy will be getting all the prizes at school as he gets older, it'll be the main way to reassure his mum everything is fine. Because she doesn't know how to ask him if he's fine.

It is a long time ago now and I was privately educated. The school is now an academy I think so entirely different.
I do remember a parent offering me cash to do their child’s coursework once.
They were the parents who just thought of us as staff in general.
I can remember the actual teaching staff telling me off for talking to admin staff and dinner ladies. It was bizarre. We don’t do
that here was something I heard on repeat.
And they were the most scruffy bunch of people I’ve ever met in my life and some of them lived in falling down, filthy homes as well.
They were absolutely shocked that I read ‘OK’ magazine - it lowered the tone. And whenever I left it out, it would conveniently go missing. One lady, who was actually very personable, asked me if I’d keep the Posh n Becks wedding issue for her. And post it to her.
It was was a place in denial. We had three department heads who were regularly pissed, and it was like the elephant on the room.
The kids thought it was hysterical - Miss Sozzled fell over again today.
It was like something from the Dark Ages.

Wow, teaching staff not talking to support staff is beyond awful, I've never worked anywhere like that thankfully. That's hilarious about the OK magazine though.

I do remember when it was considered ok to have a glass of wine at breaktime but sadly no longer, those were the good old days eh!

When I left I attended one very short boring drinks reception and then the dinner ladies had a ‘separate reception’ for me and we had a riot.

Please be careful, OP. Make sure you have your own life and look for your own opportunities to do well - and praise yourself. My DD excelled at a sport - really excelled - national medalist - GB trial invitation (just before COVID hit) - the whole shebang. Everyone knew who she was at school and locally, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy basking in the reflected glory a little. And then she broke her leg badly, and that was that. It was all over for her. Devastating at the time though after a while I really enjoyed having back my evenings and weekends. She’d have been too old in a year or two anyway.

I see parents of similar children in my DD’s cohort still helping out at the club from their Facebook posts and it’s great for the club but I feel a bit sad for them. They have really struggled to let go. Their reflected glory days are over. They talk of past victories and post FB memories of their child winning from 10 years ago, even though their kid is an accountant in Derby now. New talent and staff come through all the time and soon nobody will remember their kid at that club. That’s why you need your own thing, so you don’t need to hang on to their achievements for your own gratification.

What are they like with sport @Thingsthatgo ?

I think this is entirely normal OP.

“Being addicted” to anything is not normal

I find it very validating when DC achieve something, it’s a direct result of my superb parenting 🤣🤣

What a load of bollox from start to finish

I think you are joking but there are some parents who genuinely think like this. They ask themselves "am I parenting correctly?!" And they look to external validation for reassurance, namely exam grades and rewards. If the children do not get the grades and awards, they fret that they are not parenting correctly.

The question "am I parenting well" is not an invalid question but a better way of getting an answer is whether the children are happy, healthy, making friends, becoming independent as appropriate with age, etc.

But some parents, like the football mum I described, literally don't know how to ask their kids "how are you finding things at the moment, is everything working, can I help" in such a way as to get a useful answer, and then actually listen and respond helpfully.

My own DM for example would panic almost to a comic extent if I had a problem that couldn't be solved with money. So I gave up sharing my problems with her. She became reliant on me being a problem-free child and then a problem-free adult.

This awards-addiction thing is a different side of the same coin.