I am addicted to my DCs getting praise and awards.

[Thingsthatgo]

I know it’s a bit pathetic! As I child I got recognition very very rarely from school, clubs and my parents (I come from a large family, and they were just always too busy). I worked really hard at school until secondary, and then I coasted because it didn’t seem to make any difference what I did. No one really noticed.
My DCs are hard working, academic and social. They excel at school and are constantly praised and given awards. They get the main parts in shows and all of the extra opportunities in school - meeting visitors, going on trips and given prizes, badges and certificates as well as leadership opportunities. I am so proud of them both, but I have realised that I get quite a buzz from their achievements, which is maybe me seeking something that was missing from my own childhood. Not just being proud, but a kind of validation. This is all going to stop when they leave school, and it might leave me feeling quite empty.
Please don’t have a go at me, I know it’s not healthy. I just had a bit of a revelation, and needed to write it down. Chat

I certainly don't want to have a go at you. I find this sort of self reflection very impressive. I suspect many of us try to 'correct' things from our own childhoods when we become parents ourselves. For instance, you chose to have two children, possibly noticing that you didnt feel your parents had enough space and time for you. I guess the question is what impacts do you think it has on your children that you are getting a buzz from their achievements (both positive or negative impact?) and what might you do about it?

There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your children but I would be careful that they don’t start to believe that getting awards and pleasing you that way is more important than qualities like kindness, compassion ,& helpfulness . I was brought up like your DC & it’s affected me in adult life to the point where I’ve sought therapy . It’s not a great feeling in late teens / adulthood when you’re constantly competing for your parents praise
Enjoy your DC whilst you can but maybe start to look for and value other qualities

I was going to say the same, it's important you value and celebrate their qualities and their effort. Otherwise could be very easy they feel they have let you down if they don't get an A or a prize. Also 100% make sure you have your own life - work, volunteering, hobbies etc. Don't just live vicariously through them as they will be adults and gone before you know it!

Most parents gets a buzz from their children's achievements, firstly because you love them and are happy that they are doing well and secondly because we all like to think it reflects well on our parenting if our children are doing well (my teens know I love parents evening because it's just people telling me how awesome my kids are). That's completely normal parenting (bad parents belittle their children's achievements).

What's important is that you are as proud of them when they are decent people as when they achieve academically. And that they know you are proud because of their hard work rather than because of their achievements. Although, be warned, as teens they will take the piss out of you for that.

Getting a buzz out of something nice happening, such as your own kids' success, really isn't an addiction. I'd say it's pretty normal to feel that way, and certainly not sad or embarrassing.

Provided you're not putting them under to pressure to win all the time so they can keep on getting awards to make you happy, and as long as you value and encourage their other qualities (eg kindness, compassion, creativity, thoughtfulness) I think you're fine.

I say this as a teacher - I have seen this many times and it is not healthy at all and can make for quite unhappy children.

I recommend finding a competitive hobby for yourself like joining a tennis club, or bridge, or training for a marathon etc.

This is not healthy behaviour at all. You need to get a hobby and do this for yourself or your children will grow up resenting you.

2 out of my 3 DC were like this OP.

Getting a buzz out of it is completely normal.

You're not 'addicted' so don't worry about them leaving school as a couple of weeks after they do, you tend to completely forget all about school life.

It's great that you're able to recognise this. I'm sure you've thought about the need for your children to know that your personal happiness, their worth and your pride and love for them are not connected to their success in any way. From what you have said, it might be worth considering therapy to look at it further as that would only be beneficial for you and your personal well-being, not to mention your children.

I think competition is a colonial capitalist racket, especially in the creaking, emotionally stunted school system we have.

You are stuck at an early stage of development- extrinsic motivation- and it is highly toxic both for you and your children. You believe, and you have given them to believe, that we are here to do, not just to be, to exist in competition with others and not in relationship with them. competition fuels a zero sum game mentality and drives the double empathy problem.

It is so great that you are starting to pay attention to your body and mind cues of uneasiness around it all. What's the shadow side of feeling pleased and getting a kick out of reward? Is it fear of losing status, shame?

It's great while you are winning prizes, nothing better for constant hits of dopamine. But when your children meet life's problems, as they will, when they are no longer golden, maybe they get sick, or you die, or there is an unlucky divorce or eviction... or they aren't as good in work as they were at school... unless you have built intrinsic motivation, everything crashes onto you in a world of shame and humiliation. Your lovely hardworking children don't deserve this (not that anyone deserves shame).

And the other option - that they carry on with everything going really well for them- well, nice for them, but not really a growing life. Even if that's likely, that they are always cushioned from "coming last", these experiences are unlikely to foster in them a healthy suspicion of the unequal rewards of this world. They might be exceptional people who see through it all and realise it's a fundamentally extractive wrong system - but they probably won't be, as most of us aren't.

Your kids sound great. If your pleasure in their accomplishments drives you to cheer them on in pursuit of their hobbies and talents, then i am sure its mostly a good addiction.

I’m sure you make your kids aware that you are their biggest fan regardless whether they are always “best in class”.

Do beware of making your kids success junkies - it can lead to a big fear of failure and then a kind of paralysis later on

Speaking as the parent of a middling/average achiever I’m here to let you know that I take every bit as much pride and joy in the “met expectations” school reports and the third place in the relay race! My ds is learning that trying hard is still worthwhile - there’s a lot of resilience gained in trying and not winning, and trying again.

These are two sides to the same coin, being very praise driven is unhealthy whether it manifests as feeling unnoticed (as you were) or by chasing the praise like it's oxygen, as your children might risk being, or you on their behalf. It's amazing that you can recognise the problem and you have time to encourage your children (or model healthy behaviour) to seek fulfilment in ways that doesn't depend on what anyone else thinks. This is particularly important now, in a world of followers and likes on social media - you can't risk their self esteem, or yours being reliant on the arbitrary opinions of others. That's always a house of cards.

The advice above, to challenge yourself to something, for you, without telling everyone every detail about it is great advice - such as learning a new craft, training for a marathon, maybe taking an evening class - finding the joy and self esteem in the achievement itself, not in what anyone else thinks.

Good luck OP, you sound like a great mum and very insightful.

I’m the same, again didn’t get much praise as a kid. No advice but solidarity in trying to fight it and not let the kids realise!!

You’re showing remarkable insight @Thingsthatgo

If you are someone who has always looked to external validation to reassure you that you are good enough, which awards and qualifications provide, it is natural that this would model how you assess your parenting skills. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but when the awards are about your own qualities/work it’s okay to some extent, but you are setting yourself up for difficult relationships with your children because they will likely interpret the fact that you positive regard, your love, is predicated on their successes and awards.

I am like you (doing a PhD for that validation LOL) and did find myself comparing the achievements [or lack of them] of my children with those of my peers. And it is wrong. My kids are their own people, taking slighly different paths to their own individually defined successful lives.

I would recommend some therapy/counselling if you can access some via the NHS (Talk-plus or similar where you can self refer) or privately if you can afford it. Some people are ‘extrinsically’ motivated [ie it’s other people that get us up in the morning, the needs of others that drive us, and it’s the validation from others that affirms our self-esteem] and this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s a good idea to explore with someone independent what your ‘intrinsic’ drivers are, what things may YOU happy independently of others, what things feed your soul.

If you woke up on a desert island alone tomorrow - who would you be? What would get you up each day? How would you define who ‘you’ are or measure success? A good therapist/counsellor could help you unpack that and find ways to enjoy your children’s childhoods without reference to their ‘excellence’ to enjoy and appreciate them for their whole selves, not their achievements, and free you to enjoy mothering them on that basis.

I think it depends whether there’s any balance. Do you praise and appreciate effort if results aren’t excellent? Do you support a stance of giving it a go and trying your best, or there’s not any point unless you’re good at it/come first? Do they still bring you joy and pride and fuzzy feelings when they’re not bringing home a trophy? Do they know they’re loved unconditionally?

I thought k it’s fine if you keep it to yourself and close family but it get toxic if your constantly on fb etc. people will be turned off you and see it as boasting. Once in a while great every little thing no.
and also remember things can change on a sixpence and what was once a high achiever can then become burnout. Mental health issues and so on.

i have learnt that the hard way.

Everyone gets a buzz out of their kids doing well, it validates you're probably doing something right as a parent too IMO even if it's more luck than good judgement really. Just don't go round boasting and make it clear you love them no matter what and you'll be fine.

@Thingsthatgo how do you think you'd react in front of your child/ren if one of them got a 'poor' or lower-than-expected result?

You should probably look into some sort of therapy before they leave school! Do you think you’d feel the same sense of emptiness if they were not getting constant awards? I’m quite similar to you in that I did well at school but can’t say it was hugely recognised, one of my daughters has additional needs and it’s been humbling unpicking my own bias about academia and milestones to be honest.

You really have to crack that as it is very undermining for them. As adults they won’t feel good enough unless they are succeeding. And sometimes they won’t.

I have had students who I've caught out in lying about missed homework or cheating in tests. In nearly every case there has been a parent such as op describes. I have a lot of anecdotes I could tell.

I'm astonished at the number of responses saying that it's ok and normal.

It's Mumsnet, where everyone cheers on a character/personality defect, so long as you admit to having it: you don't need to do anything about it of course

It's great you've identified this is unhealthy, that's the start of changing it.

Everyone likes it when their kids do well. My kids were academic and into an extracurricular where they won things at regional levels. I was pleased for them but I was really careful to not make it so that they made being successful as their identity.
I was proud of them doing well but I was more proud of them for being nice kind polite kids. I took a lot of care to make sure they knew that extracurriculars are meant to be fun and to do things they enjoyed even if it meant chopping and changing and doing things they had no talent for. One of my sons did a sport he really wasn’t great at when he was about 14/15 but he didn’t care. He practised and practised until he was ok but he wasn’t ever going to ‘achieve’ anything other than enjoying himself. That’s actually pretty admirable for a teen boy.
I wanted them to do things for themselves and not so that I would be proud of them as I’d be proud of them whatever they did.
I never made them revise for exams or practise for their extracurriculars. It was always up to them what they did and my role was to facilitate their choices. I didn’t nag them and I never guilt tripped them either.
They all grew up and did well at uni and now have great jobs they enjoy. They also still do the extracurricular on a casual basis which I think is great.

I know every kid is different and I think some kids need a firmer approach than others

I think it’s good your kids know you’re proud of them, nobody gets the balance perfectly right.

My parents probably went too far the other way. They never really made a big fuss over me when I did well. Maybe they didn’t want me to have a big head. Maybe they wanted to teach me that my character was more important than my achievements. Anyway, I ended up with no self-esteem and imposter syndrome.

I think we are all a bit messed up by our parents. Just do your best. Your kids will forgive your mistakes.