Does anyone else struggle with their stepdaughter and feel uncomfortable admitting it?

[AnnoyedOtter]

Is there anyone out there who can’t stand their “stepdaughter” ?! Just being honest!

Then you aren’t her stepmum. You are her dad’s girlfriend.

Keep it that way.

How would you feel if once your children are adults, if they had a problem with your husband and he banned them from the house?

I would judge my husband as a crap dad if he allowed that

Were you only ever sweetness and joy as a 13 year old?
I certainly wasn't, and all of the teenagers I have known since then are sometimes a pain.

When my SD was 13, I rode it out, convinced that as she grew older, she would learn to behave better and DH would get on board and stamp out the bad behaviour towards me. Before we married, I had some counselling and was told that everything would settle down and she would stop being rude and hostile.

Well, none of that happened. She's 38 now, still totally ignorant and hostile. I ceased to have anything to do with her when I realised that my presence was preventing DH from having quality time with his DGC. The realisation that she did not think I was a fit and proper person to be around her precious DC was the final insult.

Be careful OP. My SD has been the only thing DH and I argue about for a quarter of a century.

She’s your boyfriend’s daughter and you don’t even live with them? I’d just disengage, leave your boyfriend to prioritise her when they’re together and see him completely separately.

It will only get worse OP. Get out now. Everyone loves to hate the stepmothers but some step kids can be absolutely vile.

I would keep it that way! The MN view usually is that the partner's child can do what they want in interaction with the partner's girlfriend, any obnoxious behaviour is excused because they are a child of a broken home! From my teaching days I learned that step parents were considered easy game by a lot of teenagers, guilt tripping was used regularly, especially for money.

Ever given a seconds thought op to thinking about it from her pov?!? This poor girl has no choice but to spend her home life with her father with someone who doesn’t like her. You chose this, she didn’t. It’s so selfish. Poor girl.

Well, yes. Most people can work out in advance that they don’t want to spend their downtime with someone else’s kids. And so, they don’t live with a parent who already has children. Because by doing so, they inflict themselves on the child who doesn’t like them either and has no choice.

Do you even need to see her? You don't live with her father after all.

Let her dad spend time with her and make yourself scarce when she is with him. Will be better all round.

I didn’t read it as a definite that way. The op only said ‘we’ . That could be we as in her and the girl or her and the dad.

Don’t move in with her dad.

Good point.

why the word 'even' gives her dad? Hes her parent right?

My stepmother couldn't stand me and favoured her own kids over me obviously and all the time. I never got time with my dad on my own, and he would never stand up for me when she was cruel to me. While clearly he's not exempt from blame, she's a big part of why I'm now estranged from my dad. So please, tread very carefully. Yes it's annoying for you, but you chose the situation and she didn't.

@AnnoyedOtter You’ve posted in the wrong place I’m afraid and you’re going to get a bunch of posters replying who aren’t step parents and will never know how hard it is.

Being a step parent isn’t for the faint hearted but you have to be able to speak openly to your partner about it and have him support you though the process. If you haven’t got that it’s never going to work.

@AnnoyedOtter what are the living arrangements?

Is she a step parent though? I don’t think they live together?

The OP is not a step mother - they don't even live together. She is a girlfriend. If she is calling herself a stepmother in a situation where they don't even live together, I'd question how she is coming across to the 13 yo DD. It could be a scenario of moving too fast / overstepping.

I’d agree with you.

@AnnoyedOtter brave and wise to talk this out here. You can try ChatGPT or something and that too is a good place to go to get this out of your system

there could also be a degree of manipulation by her DM, and/or a sense of guilt so that she feels she has to hate you regardless of how nice you are.

my H has DDs. I get on with most of them really well. The one from his relationship following the marriage to their mother is very difficult to deal with. Now in her 20s she’s really odd and rude. I suspect weaponisation by the mother over the years. Her mother was absolutely awful to her to ruin all the time she had with her dad, and with her dad and me.

I also suspect the DD has SEN, and added to this, a huge amount of guilt because I’m nice and kind to her and always have been, I think that in the past, her liking me has made her feel disloyal so she now is surly, rude and very uncomfortable to be with.

I recognise all of the above issues. I know it’s not her fault. I’m desperate to try to feel better about it all.

as it is, with her studying away etc, don’t need to see her very often, her dad goes to see her mostly because she is better with him alone and on home turf.

it’s still bloody hard tho. I struggle to enjoy being in her company, she’s morphed into her mother and there’s nothing I can do to offset that anymore, like I could when she was little. This mini-mum also triggers ptsd in my DH, so that really stresses me too.

wish I didn’t feel so stressed out with her, and maybe if we do a few more things, her dad, her sisters and me, maybe it’ll get better, but by god the last time was hard.

she always follows up with a gushing text about how lovely it is to see us both, so I hope she genuinely feels that, although I think she thinks she is masking better than she is. She seems to send texts that say what should be said rather than them being a true reflection of how the situation is.

@AnnoyedOtter you are not married to this guy, you don’t live with him, so give them all the space to be together as Dad, DS and DD and have your own space for your DC. You don’t need to do this, you don’t need to be with this man.
It’s ok to say you can’t do this.

I meant get out of the relationship.

This is so true.

But you called her a stepmother - she is not one. She is a girlfriend.

@DaisyChain505

Did you read what I said? If she is conflating those terms then perhaps she may be doing things that feel too fast or too overbearing for the DD.

I am seeing someone who has a child - we have been together for 2 years nearly. I am NOT the boy's step mum and I would not and do not refer to myself in those terms.

The DD may be badly behaved - I have no idea if that is the case and if so, why, but in my personal experience, all my Ex's new women always rush to call themselves step mums or act like step mums when there is no such role required for them.

Just be a girlfriend for a bit and build the relationship with the DD from there. They don't even live together so what sort of arguments are even occurring?

That was my point.

Self reflection can be a great tool when a relationship is tricky. All of us just saying the DD is a nightmare is not going to help OP @AnnoyedOtter at all.

Then why are you calling her your step daughter?