Beat myself up for not every moment being magical

[O980215]

Mum of 2. 4 year old and 2 year old. The mum guilt has just amplified since DS2 as I especially feel guilty for my eldest as youngest is very clingy and high needs. Always wants just me.

I always feel guilty too as I felt like I was a better mum when I was a mum of 1. I did more had more patience etc as it was just 1 child who required all of me.

Anyway, I find myself at the end of each day questioning myself. Did I do enough, did I make core memories, did I do a planned educational activity somewhere?

My 2 attend nursery part time but the days I dont work they go to nursery so they do have other child exposure and some education (im not qualified i try to help learning whilst letting them know homes a relaxing destinulating environment etc)

But im now beating myself up for every mundane or bad day. For example. Today I crashed my car. Not major. I had just left my foot on accelerate when id meant to switch to brake when I was speaking to ds parking on our drive. The result is I need to pay £500 paint work repairs and whatever it'll cost to replace the small bit of fence I damaged 🤦‍♀️

Now I was upset. I cried. (I am due on my period) but a factor to mention is i have adhd. I am trying to manage it without medication. But a big factor of this had been spending. I got to a good level money wise. Minimal debt (mortgage, phone bill, under 100 on a credit card and a household appliance I had on a pay monthly) and now I was dipping into savings i had for a trip later this year to fix a stupid silly mistake I made

I apologised to my kids as I had a litrle cry and said I felt sad over the car

My eldest just said "you dont need to say sorry" and "you dont normally cry" which made me feel a bit better haha.

But now here I am. Both in bed feeling like a shit mum because I couldn't contain my emotion and I cried in front of them and then went to grandma's (my mum) as she helped the rest of this afternoon

Why is there this pressure that we need a themed tuff tray every morning and to make core memories every day etc??? Does anyone else feel it??? Or am I soft

Just saying you can't "make memories". People remember what they remember and for the weirdest of reasons.

You’re doing your kids a much bigger disservice is every moment is magical. Your job is to produce adults who can be productive, happy and contribute to society.

If they have 18 years of being the centre of the world, constantly entertained and catered to and being entirely charmed through a lifetime of magical days, how are they going to cope with real life? How will they be happy with a boring job? Where will their resilience come from when they’ve never had to learn it as a skill?

The car crash is too late, but the best thing you can do is role model what should happen when adversity hits. It’s okay to be annoyed or sad, but then it just becomes a problem to be solved that you can think of ways to tackle together with the kids (“I’m crying because I’m sad and frustrated that I accidentally crashed the car. It’s going to cost £500 to fix which means we will have to save money. What can we do? Maybe we get shop brand ketchup for a few weeks, or maybe no magazine or maybe one less day out in the summer holidays. How can we make this a team challenge?”). And next time “I can’t talk right now, I need to focus on driving” (another very important life lesson).

They’re obviously idealistic examples - but if you’re worried about your kids experience, reframe it to think about what that adversity could teach them.

My friend reflects every day on what has happened that day to teach her child resilience, and builds it into her day (she enters competitions and doesn’t win, doesn’t get something she asks for, has a few hours with no structured activities for her to entertain herself). I really admire it and she has a really well rounded happy kid who seems to be able to roll with the punches and shrugs off bad situations with a positive attitude as she’s had chance to practice.

Great rid of your social media OP. Today. Delete the apps from your phone right now.

As a mum of 3 really young DC, not having social media is the best thing I’ve even done for my sanity and my parenting.

Yeah pretty much this tbh.
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You don't hear adults complaining that they hate their parents because they didn't make every day magical or that they failed academically because their parents didn't make educational experiences happen constantly, because those aren't normal expectations.

You're already doing everything right by loving your children, taking care of their physicial needs, and keeping them safe. Relax and give yourself a break.

If this is any reassurance at all...

My five kids are now all in their thirties. I brought them up as a single mum from when the youngest was two (eldest was only 9). We didn't have, as they say, a pot to piss in because their high-earning dad buggered off and didn't pay a penny. I wasn't working, I had three children under school age, no family, nothing. We were so poor that some days it was a miracle that everyone got fed at all.

Yet they all talk about their childhoods as some magical time. We lived in the countryside and they'd play in our big garden; we had pets that they adored, to hear them talk among themselves you'd think they were brought up in an Enid Blyton book. They had nothing to compare themselves to because this was the only childhood they'd known - with a mother on the edge of a permanent breakdown trying to pay the bills and no holidays or fancy days out. Their 'memories' are of playing, picnics and pets. My mum gave me money to take them away to Center Parcs one year - our only holiday in five years - and the buggers can't even remember it!

Don't try too hard, OP. Your children will make their own memories and it will usually be of the most surprising things! And happiness comes from within the family, not from tuff trays (whatever they are) or expensive things.