Beat myself up for not every moment being magical

[O980215]

Mum of 2. 4 year old and 2 year old. The mum guilt has just amplified since DS2 as I especially feel guilty for my eldest as youngest is very clingy and high needs. Always wants just me.

I always feel guilty too as I felt like I was a better mum when I was a mum of 1. I did more had more patience etc as it was just 1 child who required all of me.

Anyway, I find myself at the end of each day questioning myself. Did I do enough, did I make core memories, did I do a planned educational activity somewhere?

My 2 attend nursery part time but the days I dont work they go to nursery so they do have other child exposure and some education (im not qualified i try to help learning whilst letting them know homes a relaxing destinulating environment etc)

But im now beating myself up for every mundane or bad day. For example. Today I crashed my car. Not major. I had just left my foot on accelerate when id meant to switch to brake when I was speaking to ds parking on our drive. The result is I need to pay £500 paint work repairs and whatever it'll cost to replace the small bit of fence I damaged 🤦‍♀️

Now I was upset. I cried. (I am due on my period) but a factor to mention is i have adhd. I am trying to manage it without medication. But a big factor of this had been spending. I got to a good level money wise. Minimal debt (mortgage, phone bill, under 100 on a credit card and a household appliance I had on a pay monthly) and now I was dipping into savings i had for a trip later this year to fix a stupid silly mistake I made

I apologised to my kids as I had a litrle cry and said I felt sad over the car

My eldest just said "you dont need to say sorry" and "you dont normally cry" which made me feel a bit better haha.

But now here I am. Both in bed feeling like a shit mum because I couldn't contain my emotion and I cried in front of them and then went to grandma's (my mum) as she helped the rest of this afternoon

Why is there this pressure that we need a themed tuff tray every morning and to make core memories every day etc??? Does anyone else feel it??? Or am I soft

I never felt all this pressure. You can opt out. It’s fine.

Besides, have you ever been to a party or social event where the host / hostess is clearly so fucking stressed and uptight about all the food and the decor and the drinks and everything being perfect that nobody is able to enjoy themselves and everyone has a stress headache after ten minutes and is dying to leave so they can relax? That’s what I feel like the experience of parents sweating blood to make wholesome IG-worthy ‘magical memories’ must be like for kids.

Nobody needs it. Lighten up, give yourself a break. Trust your kids to learn and grow and have fun without your needing to force every moment of it.

I wouldn’t change your algorithms I would come off instagram altogether - it will do your mental health the world of good!

I've never even heard the term core memories - what the hell etc. also they are 2 and 4 so they aren't going to remember a thing

And it's fine to have a wee cry when you bang the car - it's an easy thing to explain to your kids.

I would suggest 'everyone fed and no one dead' be your new end of the day check in - tick tick

Honestly OP, I'm so glad I'm not bringing up children in this age of social media. I've successfully raised children and step children who are all happy well adjusted adults and I don't even know what a core memory is! And tuff trays weren't invented when mine were young.

Children need to feel safe and loved. That's what they'll remember. Stay off social media, it's causing a mental health crisis in adults and children.

All they need is for you to love them OP, ur doing a great job, and it’s fine for kids to see you cry if something bad happens, it shows you’re not a robot! It’s good for kids to be bored too.

Seconded.

So true
I have a relative with young children who talks like this. Her eldest child is already showing worrying signs of anxiety and disregulation. Also aggressive and spoilt. She endlessly apologises for her behaviour and feels overwhelming guilt for not playing with the child 24/7 and being some sort of super parent. It is confusing and distressing for her child and also causes the child to feel that they are the centre of the universe, so regularly hitting or screaming at other children .

You're trying to be all things and that won't work. You need to change your approach.

You know what makes a good childhood? A mother who loves them. Simple play. The outside. Seeing their parents are human.
no child anywhere ever has wished their mum spent more time on Instagram. Stay off social media, it’ll fuck up your joy in parenting your kids and steal their time with you.

You don’t get to decide what your kids’ core memories will be. Love them and have fun, you don’t need to do any more than that.

Mundanity is an important part of life. One of my strongest core memories is of lying on our kitchen rug watching dust motes in the sunlight coming through the window on a slow Sunday morning. Memories can be entirely mundane.

I’d drop the themed tough trays immediately. I’m all for boredom and benign neglect in this house. It raises robust children.

I have 2 adult kids who are wonderful, loving adults without a tuff tray (whatever that is) in sight.

They also saw me cry.

Just love your kids. And model to them that "good enough" is enough.

If you think making everything magical is the best for children, you are wrong. Real life will then be too much of a shock for them, they will be ill prepared for real life and won't know how to deal with it. Seeing difficult moments is all about learning about how life happens.

Try and remember that the children couldn’t care less about all that IG stuff, and that you are allowed to be human.

Entertaining themselves is good for child development, as is developing resilience. We have a bad day, we get a bit upset, we say sorry and move on. Everything isn’t always rosy and they need to learn it’s not a big deal, we fix it and move on.

Best thing I used to do with my kids was a kitchen disco/dance party, cheap disco light, close the curtains, some dancy music and we'd all have a bop together. 15/30 mins before bed wear them out, dance out a bit of stress for me and have a laugh together (dad included) As they for older there'd be standing on a chair dancing, break dancing on floor. Not every night, I'm not Mary Poppins but when it's all a bit stressful forget the mess and just dance.

You need to get off IG entirely. Read a book! Break free!

Core memories come from the small day to day things, the little rituals special to your family. Perhaps the way you make toast, or the Saturday trip to the supermarket where they get a sweetie at the end or a walk to the park.

Those are the things that stay with me from my childhood and make my family and parents special. Not the big trips, the little day to day things that are easy to overlook.

I tickled my 7yo while she was about to throw a hissy fit about going to bed tonight and, after she’d stopped giggling, she said ‘you are SUCH a good mum’. Yesterday I chucked a load of food into a cool bag because it was too hot to cook and took them for a picnic tea in the park next door - my 5yo said ‘this is the best day EVER’.

Give yourself a break. The things that cost money or are too involved will never beat the joy they take in the simple things 💜

I've never heard of core memories or tuff trays, but my grown up nieces and godchildren still remember times we did silly crafts or just drawing daft things together. Simple easy things. Take the pressure of yourself and off your children. Magic moments are meant to be rare, that's why they are special.

My own view is that children should be allowed to be bored. Developing tolerance for boredom or teaching them strategies to deal with boredom (not with a screen) is so valuable. The reason I stand by this is that when they are much older - a lot of the learning they need to do will require them to tolerate boredom. GCSE and A level revision of previously taught material is not riveting, entertaining stuff - it is boring, hard work and dull but to get good grades, it has to be done, and for hours at a time. Good students learn how to be bored, how to deal with dull facts, to do the hard work. Parents should not be expected to entertain children 24/7 - sometimes parents have to do dull work - cooking, cleaning so that the family is cared for. Children go to school now expecting constant entertainment because of ipads and phones constantly meeting their need for entertainment. They can hardly tolerate normal states of being needed for learning.

Your kids won’t even remember this. Magical? Life has to happen. Day in and day out. There are bits you can make seem magical but be realistic OP. You are coping with two very young kids at different stages of development. They won’t remember bugger all now when they’re older unless they were in abusive situations, which they are not. Core memories are not formed every single day and you’d be fairly hard pressed to set in stone constant core memories at these ages - seriously think about the stage of development their brains are in!
If your ADHD is effecting to enough that you’ve been in a car crash (with at least one of your kids) then you need to give yourself a shake and get medicated to solve that problem! That is the biggest danger standing out to me.
Get yourself medicated and rethink your actual priorities with your kids plus get your spending under control. You’re making a good point that you recognise you need to sort yourself out, advice like this is how you do it. Don’t be that Mum who lets everything slide out of control. You can sort this out and you will do it for their sake if not your own.
What your kids need to see day in day out is that their Mum is in full control - their home and their safe place all being stable.
We all have those moments alone when we feel like the worst parent in the world. Believe me, there are much worse than you and me, regardless of the mistakes we make.
Go forward with a fresh head on. Enjoy your kids and as long as they feel safe and happy that is 95% of your job done. For every day you think you’ve failed in any way, tomorrow is a new day.

This is how core memories of kids go.....you plan the most incredible day out in London Town. You take them to the Tower, you take them to NHMuseum, you take them to their favorite restaurant. You sit in the park and make daisy chains and you think. "This really was a fabulous day". Your kids? "Remember that trip to London and Dad got the farts all the way home and we all thought he was going to poop himself?!"

My kids are all in their 20s and still laugh about that. You are doing a great job because you care but give yourself a break too.

Switch off insta and lower expectations.
happy kids just need you and very basic fun stuff

Reflect on Xmas and birthdays when they ignore the toys and play for hours with the cardboard box and bubble wrap

Also, to help you get over the car bit, I once reversed my car into our own tree because my kids were being SO fucking loud and annoying and all I could hear was the "beep beep beep beeeeeep!" of the reverse warning and my brain couldn't compute that that was what it meant until the back window of the car smashed in.

On the upside, my kids learned to STFU when I was trying to reverse and Instagram had only just been invented 😀

You can tell from your children's reactions that you're being a great Mum!

All children need is time and unconditional love.

Forget the rest of it. Instagram has a lot to answer for! 😂

You're doing great.

Exactly, and this is what life is supposed to be about. I also am a happy and contented person. If something magical happens I enjoy it immensely - and it doesn't have to be something expensive or complicated - and the rest of the time I'm just glad to be alive and healthy. Anyone trying to make every moment of their kids' lives magical is being silly, kids are generally happy with the simple pleasures of life. If everything is magical it ceases to mean anything, and you are setting yourself up to provide more and more of the magical as what used to be magical becomes commonplace.