Beat myself up for not every moment being magical

[O980215]

Mum of 2. 4 year old and 2 year old. The mum guilt has just amplified since DS2 as I especially feel guilty for my eldest as youngest is very clingy and high needs. Always wants just me.

I always feel guilty too as I felt like I was a better mum when I was a mum of 1. I did more had more patience etc as it was just 1 child who required all of me.

Anyway, I find myself at the end of each day questioning myself. Did I do enough, did I make core memories, did I do a planned educational activity somewhere?

My 2 attend nursery part time but the days I dont work they go to nursery so they do have other child exposure and some education (im not qualified i try to help learning whilst letting them know homes a relaxing destinulating environment etc)

But im now beating myself up for every mundane or bad day. For example. Today I crashed my car. Not major. I had just left my foot on accelerate when id meant to switch to brake when I was speaking to ds parking on our drive. The result is I need to pay £500 paint work repairs and whatever it'll cost to replace the small bit of fence I damaged 🤦‍♀️

Now I was upset. I cried. (I am due on my period) but a factor to mention is i have adhd. I am trying to manage it without medication. But a big factor of this had been spending. I got to a good level money wise. Minimal debt (mortgage, phone bill, under 100 on a credit card and a household appliance I had on a pay monthly) and now I was dipping into savings i had for a trip later this year to fix a stupid silly mistake I made

I apologised to my kids as I had a litrle cry and said I felt sad over the car

My eldest just said "you dont need to say sorry" and "you dont normally cry" which made me feel a bit better haha.

But now here I am. Both in bed feeling like a shit mum because I couldn't contain my emotion and I cried in front of them and then went to grandma's (my mum) as she helped the rest of this afternoon

Why is there this pressure that we need a themed tuff tray every morning and to make core memories every day etc??? Does anyone else feel it??? Or am I soft

i have no idea what tuff tray is 🤷‍♀️

OP your children have water in the tap. Electricity at the touch of a switch. A clean, safe home and somewhere to sleep. Food in the cupboard and in the fridge. A bath, a toilet, a bed. And a mum who loves them. They are already hugely privileged compared to the majority of children on the planet so take your foot off the pedal here, and try to enjoy everything you already have.

It never occurred to me that I should be making anything magical. I was too busy surviving between one mealtime and the next!

Kids need to be bored and fed up, they need to be told no, they need to have some adversity in their lives.
If you spend every second pandering to them, making magic and waving fairy dust, how the hell are they going to cope out there in the big wide nasty world.
Of course there needs to be love, and security and special magic times. But to feel you need to achieve this 24/7 will not only set them up to fail but burn you out as a parent.

Memory does not function the way these silly people suggest.

Think back to your own childhood and have a look at what you remember.

This drive for "magical" is a total waste of time.

Your children will thrive if you let them relax at home, be clear and consistent with rules and feed them well. That way, they know you are competent, their needs will be met and they can trust you to get with the job of raising them.

That is where the magic lies - you take charge and let them get on with childhood.

One of Old Mumsnet's most useful sayings - after "No is a complete sentence" - was "Are they fed? Are they alive? You're winning at parenting!"

Stick it on a kitchen wall, OP 🙂

One of my most vivid memories is waiting with my mum in a hot street while she chatted with a neighbour on her way home from a shopping trip

My mum didnt drive so we would walk everywhere. And when she met a friend, there would be chatting, and waiting, and chatting, and waiting. There was also the pulling along of the shopping trolley and carrier bags that were so heavy they cut into your hands

Anyway, this memory that I have that for some reason pops up all the time is her chat chat chatting, me waiting for her to finish and for some reason my foot found a big smooth stone, so I stood there with my foot going over and over this big smooth stone because it sort of felt nice (I was wearing shoes). I didnt look at it until quite some time, to find it was a big white hard piece of dog shit. (dog shit was white in them days because dogs actually ate bones rather than dog food)

So enduring memory there - child stands on dog shit.

Im a Gen X parent and nearly 🤮 at the idea of making every moment magical. Where do you get this shite? Instagram? Get off it. Aside from MN I do zero SM and don’t miss it at all.

I am ND like you. When I am driving, I am driving, and I do not permit myself to be distracted by anything (emergency aside) else.

Stop beating yourself up.

Re the financial situation, are you a single parent?

I think tuff trays are only fairly recent inventions. Weren’t they just called sandpits when we were kids?! Anyhow, I promise you no child now, when an adult, will have a core memory or a magical memory involving a tuff tray.

It’ll be the time they got a free lolly from the kind next door neighbour or when they stayed up later than usual to watch a football match! Or when they had a really nice cuddle or conversation with mum or dad.

Feelings and emotions are what forms the core memories. And I don’t think a tuff tray evokes many emotions whatsoever!

Ive never even heard of a tuff tray and I work with kids/families.

My twos favourite memory is when we got the car fixed the garage man then dropped us into town. We pretended we were posh with a driver so we went and got a coffee (hot chocolate) from Starbucks. All the stuff I did and that’s the thing they remember!

Core memories? For a 4 and 2 year old?! They truly will remember next to nothing! What a load of modern parenting twaddle. Just get on with being a mum and dc will be fine. Children remember very little at thst age, certainly not daily events. Overall love and care is all that’s needed.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/czj8zp9e084o

This is worth a read, it's to do with your neurodiversity rather than you being a shit mum. Give yourself a break and get some proper support from your GP.

Get yourself off social media and enjoy your DC.

Op I think your balance of nursery and home sounds perfect ! One of the greatest luxuries for DC now is simply being at home ,pottering and relaxing with a parent !
And they have the fun and stimulation of a nursery !
Perfect .

Also I think it's a good idea to show our emotions to our DC.

I thought it was a spelling error 😂still no idea !

Have Google what a tuff tray is : a tuff tray (also known as a "tuff spot") is a large, durable octagonal or circular plastic tray with a raised lip. Originally used by builders to mix materials, it is now immensely popular in preschools, nurseries, and homes as a portable, contained surface for messy and sensory play.

You sound so conscientious, loving and caring! It's OK to stop climbing towards the top of the pedastal. There's no certainty in what your children will recall from this time. My DH recall s a particular spoon from his earliest memory, and his parents are so great and loving and supportive. My first memories iooking out of a window at snow. Our parents don't choose what we recall and how we interpret that experience, they just do their best by us and hope.

Oh OP i get it! Mum guilt is so real and it's awful. I have 2 year old twins and I often feel guilty. For example if they have a morning playing at home while I catch up on chores or if we are all ill so I skip bath time. My mum always says to me that there is no such thing as a perfect mum, but you are always trying your best, and that is so true! You do what you can and most of the time they are happy playing with an old cardboard box, not having enough activities at home won't be the end of the world. Ask you mum to baby sit again, go out for a coffee and give yourself a break...you are doing a fab job 💐 and as for crying in front of the kids when hormonal. ..we all do it! Sounds like you are a great mum

OP, it sounds like you're doing brilliantly. FWIW I think it's far better for children to learn that things can go wrong sometimes, that it's ok to express sadness about that, and that you can usually then fix those things and move on. That's a far better lesson than trying to pretend that life is perfect.

It’s literally impossible create magical memories- they are the random, unexpected little things that happen amongst normal life. It’s really bad for kids to be micro-managed and over indulged (even though it comes from a place of love). They need to learn to create their own fun, as pair and individually, they need to learn to be creative and imaginative from within themselves, not by having it imposed upon them. It’s why an empty box is often more fun than the expensive baby toy with lots of noisy buttons. They need toys; some bricks, fancy dress, animals, cars, toy kitchen, dolls, dinosaurs, train set. Then Lego , sylvanians etc when they are older. And lots and lots of books. (I used to rotate them a bit) and then left to play with them. They don’t need anything interactive or electronic.
Things my dcs remember years later are having a treat of a hot chocolate in upstairs tescos cafe and watching all the cars in the car park from above. Going for a walk and seeing a beautiful brown pony who they stroked, various weird games and role plays they played with each other, a specific list of farts, near misses, other incidents of grown ups being silly and lots of things I never knew about. They don’t remember the parties I carefully arranged.

There is nothing wrong with children being bored. That’s what sparks their creativity.
they need to learn how to entertain themselves and not be entertained by you every minute of the day. You must be exhausted!

Really - have a week at home and leave them to play with their toys if you want, get them to help with the dusting, weeding, meal prep, whatever. There will be age appropriate jobs they can help with (even if you have to redo bits!)

You aren't living in a movie or on instagram. You live in the real world where life is a mixture of good and bad and you forget most of it. You don't have to hide all your emotions from your children. Imagine being around someone who never exhibited any negative emotions.That would just be weird for them. It is natural to cry when you damage your car.and it is fine for them to see you upset sometimes.

@Sandysandyfeet My dc do remember the parties I did, but it’s peppered with funny things too. It’s not every day but overall happy dc remember happy times, but it’s a snapshot, not a long series of wonderful events.

It’s literally good to cry… they need to know that everyone cries and it’s normal and OK. And nothing to do with your period… you were sad so you cried.

Don’t be ridiculous. Think about your own childhood. Did your parents race around every day to ensure every moment was a magical memory and ‘core memories’ abounded and that a child was stimulated every minute of the day, and with at least one educational activity. What à laugh. They didn’t bother with any of that nonsense and we all grew up fine and happy without it. Just calm down and be sensible about it.