If you have a good relationship with your mum

[Uvorange]

What did she do to help that do you think?

Inspired by another thread, many posters described dread or anxiety when thinking about their mothers. If you feel positive and happy when thinking about yours, did she make big mistakes, but you just don’t mind? Or was she just great?

I ask because my dm thinks she did an amazing job and has no idea how I feel, and I worry that I’ll also think I did a good job but my dd will feel the same as I do.

My family were great growing up, not perfect but loving and fun enough that I always enjoyed being with them. One thing I really appreciate about both my parents is they were flexible and forgiving - they made it easy to relax around them. When I had my kids, I realised I had some unresolved stuff towards my mum. She stuck with it while we hashed it all out. I know she found it hurtful but she was willing to talk about things with me and we made amends to each other and now we are closer than ever (she's in her 70s, I'm in my 40s). She's a big part of my kids' lives. So I think as an adult her willingness to own things that weren't perfect and talk about them was crucial. I'm incredibly thankful for her.

So maybe being open to the possibility you haven't aced every aspect of it, and being willing to explore that with your kids?

I had a good relationship with mine as I knew we both had our faults, and she did the best she was capable of.

Basically this

My mum isn’t perfect but I never doubted she loved me and that she had my best interests at heart

I accept she may have done things wrong but she didn’t have bad intentions and we are all human. Same goes for my Dad.

I find threads on here odd when parents are held to superhuman standards tbh. No one is born with the ability to be the perfect parent

My parents (esp mum) were very strict growing up, and although I don’t want to emulate that as a (now) parent I see the stresses and struggles associated with bringing up kids, and appreciate sometimes it’s bloody hard, and as parents we make many mistakes. I’m more forgiving of her now than I was as a teen/twentysomething.

weirdly they have grown into the most patient supportive grandparents my kids could wish for. My brother and I sometimes reminisce about the batshit crazy and dubious parenting methods they used whilst we were growing up, but my husband and my brothers wife are like ‘WTF?’. They are so chilled as grandparents.

I have always known she loved me, no matter what mistakes were made. My “D”F is an alcoholic and I wish she’d left so we weren’t walking on eggshells the whole time but now I’m an adult I can understand why she didn’t (left school at 15, suffered from anxiety, couldn’t drive) she did her best. All we can do is our best, after all. I hope my DD looks back and thinks the same.

I agree with you. My parents were certainly not perfect and I haven’t been a perfect parent and I don’t know anyone who is TBH . My parents did their best and I have ensured a good relationship with my now adult children . Luckily they are all level headed. I do think from reading threads on MN that people are so quick to criticise their parents and spend a lot of time naval gazing!

I’m interested in the answers to this, I have a very weird relationship with my mum and am envious of people who have a great one.

While trying to correct the (many) mistakes I think she made when I’m parenting my girls, I secretly fear I’m just fucking them up in different ways.

My dad was almost completely absent, so at least I don’t need to do much to be a better parent than him!

I don't always remember how lucky I am, but mumsnet will usually remind me that my family isn't what everyone has!
I can't pinpoint what my mum did, but I wish I could so I can make sure I do it too. I wouldn't change anything.

My mum was/is a very kind, loving, affectionate and capable parent who always put us first. She constantly tells her kids that she loves us even now, and we’re all in our 50s.

She preferred spending time with us to anything else when we were kids and she always hated it when we went back to school after the summer holidays. She always tried to make sure we felt secure and cared for and happy. She was mostly pretty understanding of things we went through as teenagers.

I’m not saying she didn’t make mistakes - she did and she still does. And she drives me nuts sometimes.

But she got the key elements of parenthood dead right, really.

My dad was also excellent.

One of the things I always say made a big difference with my parents, against my friends parents, is that they didn’t pretend they were perfect as kids. When we would come home drunk and throw up they wouldn’t say “oh my god you’re a disgrace!” They’d say “I did this, it was stupid then, it’s stupid now…” And then we’d have a good chat about it.

Also changing rules/how they treat you as you get older. My parents started treating me as an adult as soon as I became one, they expected the respect and courtesy back, quite rightly, but they gave it to us to reciprocate rather than making us earn it.

Finally they adore us and if we pop in, the door is flung open and we’re cuddled like we’ve been gone months even if it was yesterday!

I’m one of four and we all live walking distance - there’s a reason for that!

She was simply always there for me

Her kids always came first

She encouraged and supported without pushing

She didn’t judge and let us follow our own paths, and within reason make our own mistakes

Love my mum

The thing is, there are a lot of us here who don’t have poor relationships with our parents because they ‘weren’t perfect’, but because they were ‘actively harmful’. I never expected my mum to be perfect, and I’m not a perfect mum. But my mum behaved in ways that I couldn’t imagine behaving, as a parent.

I have a very close relationship with both my parents. I would say the main reason is that they loved me and would do anything for me. Not in a material sense, but if I was upset or having a problem of any kind they would do anything to help me. They still would, and I'm in my 50s now! It's just a great feeling to know there is someone (well two people) who always, always has your back.

Pretty similar for me. Not perfect by any stretch but I always felt loved and still do. I know she’d do anything for me.

Actually agree with above - my parents loved spending time with us and it’s not that they didn’t do anything themselves but they did just enjoy spending time as a family. So time together has always been very easy

Just loved us unconditionally. Lost her temper so rarely I think I can remember the only time she did. Not that I think you can only be a good mum if you never lose your temper, but she really didn't to an impressive degree.

She had a difficult childhood herself with a distant mum (for the tragic reason that she had 3 other children who died in early childhood) and I think it would have been easy for my mum to react to that by being cold and distant herself, or by being very smothering, but I think she just was very dedicated to letting us know she loved us.

She didn't pick unnecessary battles (tbf, we didn't really give her many) and as we got to teenage years she recognised we we generally sensible and trusted us not to do anything dumb, and we wanted to repay that.

Just what I was going to say. My late DM and I had our moments, but I loved her beyond measure and didn't expect perfection.

She was always there for me to support me whatever decision I made be it bad or good, she'd say her peace and give her advice but ultimately she let me make my own mistakes and was there to help me amend things when things did go wrong.
she never judged me or brought me down, she always made time for me growing up and still does now that I have children of my own, nothing is/was ever too much to ask and I know if I ever need her she'd be here in a heartbeat.

My mum swore and shouted at us at times and looking back i’m horrified at the freedom she allowed me from about 14 but she was also lovely, silly and funny, supportive and my biggest fan and best friend. She was only human with a job/elderly parents to look after/2 kids/a house to run/health problems. I hope my daughter forgives me if I mess up sometimes and doesn’t hold it against me because life can be hard and I’m just doing my best like I know my mum did.

My mother was lovely. I’m sure she made mistakes but none that I can remember. Her most annoying habit was not allowing anyone to sleep in and would vacuum outside our bedroom doors at 7.30am on a Sunday! My parents had some tricky times that we were unaware of (my father had poly arthritis and spent months in hospital), but they always always were there for us.
As she aged she changed, she had a lot of physical issues towards the end (died at 89) but the vast majority of her life she was fun and supportive and loving.
My DD (20) and I have a great relationship. We are a team. I’m a widow since she was small (I also have a son). She’s quite like me in some ways but so much more intelligent and ambitious. But domestically we get on very well and have similar energy levels. I’m sure she has secrets, and I respect her privacy, I don’t go in her room when she’s away at uni unless I ask her. I’m very close to my son too but he is a high energy extrovert and has lived on his own since 18. He was very wilful as a lad and there were a few awful times when he was a teen.
I do have some regrets with both of them - it was very hard the first couple years after their dad died and I think I lost the plot a couple times. But I hope they think I was a good mum and did my best.

Yeah, I do always wonder if I’m being unfair

I have a good relationship with my mum, but she was not nurturing and she didn't do a "good" job at traditional "mum" things. She was and is brilliant at other things though - extremely practical, independent, intelligent, methodical, calm in a crisis, sees the wood for the trees (except when she has what I now recognise is a meltdown).

She's almost certainly autistic, but of an age where women were never diagnosed. She did and does struggle with warm emotions. I don't think she could be other than she was / is. She feels some guilt about aspects of our childhood, but it's unwarranted - I have no resentment whatsoever. She's a human woman who had a lot to deal with (early widowhood, single parenting, difficult relationship with her own parents). She did her best, and we had a good life growing up, all told. I take her as she is, and things are great between us.

My mum is not perfect, and nor am I the perfect mum. But she was always around for me and we’ve always enjoyed spending time together, she is kind and thoughtful and has my back. Our relationship has been closer at some times than others others, but I’ve always known both my parents would be there if I needed them.

My parents are the sort of people who instinctively see the best in others, including their own children. And in turn I think us children are inclined to see the best in others, including our parents.