If you have a good relationship with your mum

[Uvorange]

What did she do to help that do you think?

Inspired by another thread, many posters described dread or anxiety when thinking about their mothers. If you feel positive and happy when thinking about yours, did she make big mistakes, but you just don’t mind? Or was she just great?

I ask because my dm thinks she did an amazing job and has no idea how I feel, and I worry that I’ll also think I did a good job but my dd will feel the same as I do.

I think anyone who says their mum is perfect must be very lucky, or is telling fibs!
My mum was strict and never praised us. We're still not desperately close, but she is now the loveliest kindest nan ever. Who'd have thought?

My parents both made mistakes, of course they did, but that has never made any difference to how much I love them. I adored my dad (now sadly passed) and my mom is one of my best friends in the whole world.

I mean I live with mine, yes she does some questionable stuff that I may or may not agree with however I wouldn’t change her, she’s always been a family first kinda women, her kids and grandkids are her absolute world. Since she got over her agoraphobia (When I was about 5) everything was about me and my brother. Still is now with an added sister and my dc. She treats DP as a son. Sounds cliche but I’d do anything for my mum. She’s looked after the kids as she worked afternoons and I worked mornings, wouldn’t take any payment always telling me, I don’t need to be paid to look after my own grandchildren. They both have a fantastic relationship with her. And I wouldn’t change it to be honest.

My mum passed away when I was 9. I had a wonderful stepmum who passed away suddenly a few years ago. I miss her so much. We did not agree on a lot of things, but I always admired her strength of character, her openness and helpful nature. She was also very kind and understanding.

Pretty much this. We've had some problems in the past, thereve been points when our relationship was in the toilet, but end of the day we still love each so much. We've both been willing to listen and take accountability and that's allowed us to sort out issues and move on from them.
I'd say she's probably my best friend now and we talk daily.

Fun. Nonjudgemental. Always supportive even when she didn’t necessarily agree. Always SO pleased to hear from me.

miss her 💔

I love my mum. She's not perfect but she always prioritised her kids and we knew we were loved. Now she's a loving grandparent too. Mistakes have been made, but she always tried to do the right thing.

My mum has always supported me.. she didn’t have the life experience to offer the right advice when I was getting divorced, but she helped with money and only ever wanted the best for me. Helped start me up in a business, helped with my kids and has an amazing bond with them. She’s upset me a few times and made mistakes but the good far outweighs the bad. She’s in her 80’s now and I’ve been able to repay her unconditional love with the help of my incredible dh who treats her as his own, invites her on holiday with us and generally enriches her life, as I hope do I. She deserves it.

These are lovely
thank you for sharing

What I observe in others, but didn’t have myself- organising around the needs of the dc, and being aware of the emotional world of the dc.

I grew up where things were organised first around mum, then dad, and we came down the list. They regularly holidayed without me, sending me to various relatives or getting babysitters in. I can remember at least 4 occasions, including one over my birthday. I think the sitter was shocked at that. At least two of those occasions I was under 10. I don’t think I remember being asked what I wanted to do. I organised, and paid for, my own 18th birthday party and my 21st bday mum disappeared for a few days as she disagreed with me about something.

@Oohd what you call ‘navel gazing’ some of use would call ‘survival strategies’.

I read an article a long time ago about the ratio of positive to negative comments and it's really stayed with me.

My mother almost never says anything positive to or about me. I can't remember a single nice comment actually but perhaps I have forgotten one.

I got straight A stars* *and one A at GCSEs, she told me it was a shame it wasn't all A stars. I got into Cambridge, she told me it was all her hard work. I got a 2:1, I was told that her friend's son had got a 1st. I got married, literally on my wedding day she told me it was a shame I hadn't lost a few more lbs.

You get the idea..

I try really hard to stay mindful of this with my children. Not that I never criticise them or encourage them to do better but I try and make sure that I am also saying lots of nice and positive things too.

Loving, had my back, got me what I needed, mostly easygoing.
I do all this with mine but I’ve added we do the same fun activities together and they can talk to me about anything, and more joking around together.

My mum (& dad) are both amazing, loving and kind people. Always encouraged me and my brothers to do our best.

We had a great upbringing and they instilled a love of travelling in us all. They are still travelling now when they can ( both in their 80's).

Couldn't have asked for better parents and I'm dreading the day when one of them dies.

My lovely mum is dead now, but we did have a very close relationship.

She was by no means perfect and she had a lot of regrets about her own life, but she was wonderful as a mother. I never doubted how much she loved us, and she managed to be incredibly supportive without ever being interfering in any way. I never felt judged in any way, and I never felt that she was disappointed in me in any way - quite the contrary, I knew she was really proud of me. And she was the most perfect grandma to my lovely dd.

Absolutely this.

I have complicated feelings around my mum. I saw the thread you’re talking about. I’d describe my feelings towards her as loving but also resentful. The overwhelming feeling is guilt though - guilt that I feel resentful when she was a great mother in many ways, guilt that I’m not a good enough daughter, guilt that she irritates me. I often feel I’m being OTT and harsh for feeling resentful about the things she did and they’re actually not a big deal. The two big ones are being pretty violently smacked as a 4 year old for being shy (but it only happened 2 or 3 times) and her having an affair and and breaking up our family then forcing me to live part-time with her and my new step-dad who I hated. The step dad wasn’t abusive or anything, I just never got along with him. I don’t know if it’s normal to still feel so (secretly) resentful about these things. I often think I should just get over it, she’s only human and she’s always been very loving. Shouldn’t that be enough?

And @PrizedPickledPopcorn
i think this is how I feel, there are various events that I think were handled very poorly, they’re pretty bad but I don’t think (at least in my case) that they cross over into abuse. I hear the comments about navel gazing or unreasonable standards and these are things I’ve wondered myself time and time again. But it still just doesn’t feel ok and my feelings towards her are more negative than positive.

As someone said above I just always knew she loved me, and my memories in her of general are of her trying to help/ helping, just being a good mum! I will say on mn I’m sometimes horrified that people say they were never taught to eg cook and call their mum a ‘bad mum’ over it, or slag their mum off because she did something that any of us will do. I think in the future my kids will have things to say about me but hopefully it will be mostly positive!!

Expectations of Mother’s are so much higher too

my dad was great but I can see that the family set up (sahm) was hard for my mum and my dad hasn’t always recognised that

I will say on mn I’m sometimes horrified that people say they were never taught to eg cook and call their mum a ‘bad mum’ over it
i do wonder though if it’s just so hard to articulate what the problem was, So it comes out in examples like not being taught how to cook that seem so trivial to anyone looking in.

For example my mum never cared about making my hair look nice, that wasn’t important to her, it was important to me but that doesn’t matter because it wasnt important to her. On its own that seems like nothing but it’s just one example of a thousand when things weren’t important to her and my feelings didn’t matter. I think that’s why it can be so hard to know if you’re overreacting and or to worry about every little thing we may do wrong with our children, because I can see clearly that not doing my hair nicely isn’t something to still be upset over, but I am. But I don’t think I would be if my feelings had been prioritised at other points.

I suppose the real issue is that you are dwelling on your childhood and perhaps need to accept it happened and it’s over and as an independent adult you can move forward with your life - maybe running it through with a therapist would help.

You can have a relationship with your mum on whatever terms you like and you are allowed to feel negatively towards her. Sometimes it’s just personalities tbh - you can’t choose your family but you can choose for them not to define you

I have a brilliant relationship with my mum. She was the stricter one out of my mum and dad and she could, at times, be quite totalitarian. But by god she (and my dad!) was so loving! There was never a time when she was ‘too busy’, housework took a back seat, she was never ever restrictive around what we could discuss with her and she was always honest. We did get smacked bums and we ate what we were given and the only times I remember clashing with her was around clothes shopping- you got what was appropriate and not always what you wanted!

One thing i know is that no matter what mistakes me and my sister could make she will ALWAYS have our back. No exceptions and she would never judge you for it or throw it back at you. She always says ‘no one’s perfect including me.

I hold my dad in the same regard - he just was and is easier to ‘get round’ - ‘daaaaaadddd can you….’.

It sounds like the reoccurring theme here is love, no judgement and having your back. That’s lovely I’m so glad so many of you have such lovely relationships with your mums still
I hope my dc feel the same

I wonder if women complaining about abusive partners would also be labelled 'navel gazing' ...

My maternal grandmother was a lovely Mum and Gran - she always listened to us and would do things with us. I felt safe with her.

I think the other side is being forgiving towards your mum too though

i I saw a naff thing on insta ‘your mum is living life for the first time too’ or similar and it did resonate with me - mums aren’t just there to be your mum and they aren’t all knowing!