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Original poster

If you have a good relationship with your mum

57 replies

Uvorange · 27/02/2026 18:39

What did she do to help that do you think?

Inspired by another thread, many posters described dread or anxiety when thinking about their mothers. If you feel positive and happy when thinking about yours, did she make big mistakes, but you just don’t mind? Or was she just great?

I ask because my dm thinks she did an amazing job and has no idea how I feel, and I worry that I’ll also think I did a good job but my dd will feel the same as I do.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 28/02/2026 13:07

Halphabetty · 28/02/2026 13:06

I wonder if women complaining about abusive partners would also be labelled 'navel gazing' ...

My maternal grandmother was a lovely Mum and Gran - she always listened to us and would do things with us. I felt safe with her.

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I don’t think this thread is talking about abusive behaviour though as that’s obviously unacceptable

Theboredpanda · 28/02/2026 13:11

Uvorange · 28/02/2026 12:18

And @PrizedPickledPopcorn
i think this is how I feel, there are various events that I think were handled very poorly, they’re pretty bad but I don’t think (at least in my case) that they cross over into abuse. I hear the comments about navel gazing or unreasonable standards and these are things I’ve wondered myself time and time again. But it still just doesn’t feel ok and my feelings towards her are more negative than positive.

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The one good thing that comes from it IMO is that I’ve developed a massive aversion to similar behaviour with my own dd. I know how damaging it can be so I’ve made sure never to punish her for being shy, not saying hello/goodbye to people she barely knows when she was basically a toddler, and of course never hitting her, including smacking. And being very aware of how my dating life/any future romantic partners (I’m currently a single mum) might affect her. I’d never choose a man over her.

TheIceBear · 28/02/2026 13:15

My mum is just great company and fun to be around. Things weren’t perfect we had disagreements especially when I was a teenager but that’s normal . She was always there for me id needed as pp have said and I think that’s what it boils down to really.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
BillieWiper · 28/02/2026 13:17

I think we learned a lot from eachother. And now I almost feel a bit like her mum sometimes!

But she still sees me as about four and doesn't believe a word I say. I don't believe a word she says either in retaliation but it's remarkably good humoured! We both accept we don't like people telling us what to do.

I don't blame her for any of my problems though when I was young I did feel like she was trying to sabotage my incredibly rock n roll existence. 😂

She was a single mum unexpectedly when my dad died when I was a kid so it was then just us two against the world. So that made us close but also caused a bit of conflict.

Theboredpanda · 28/02/2026 13:24

Uvorange · 28/02/2026 12:46

I will say on mn I’m sometimes horrified that people say they were never taught to eg cook and call their mum a ‘bad mum’ over it
i do wonder though if it’s just so hard to articulate what the problem was, So it comes out in examples like not being taught how to cook that seem so trivial to anyone looking in.

For example my mum never cared about making my hair look nice, that wasn’t important to her, it was important to me but that doesn’t matter because it wasnt important to her. On its own that seems like nothing but it’s just one example of a thousand when things weren’t important to her and my feelings didn’t matter. I think that’s why it can be so hard to know if you’re overreacting and or to worry about every little thing we may do wrong with our children, because I can see clearly that not doing my hair nicely isn’t something to still be upset over, but I am. But I don’t think I would be if my feelings had been prioritised at other points.

I agree that it can be lots of little things that create a bigger picture so examples can be difficult. Eg. My dad never thought my opinion mattered about anything, always thought anything I liked was ridiculous (obviously he was an adult man and I was a teenage girl, so obviously our interests are going to be different but he didn’t seem to realise that). Eg. He’d laugh at the bands I liked and say the people in them were idiots etc - all passed of as “banter”. On its own this might seem like a fairly normal, although maybe poor judgement, aspect of parenting, especially in the 90s, but all those digs and comments to an impressionable child over the years can result in low self-esteem and poor self-image. Parent child relationships can be so fragile. I make sure to take an interest in anything my dd is passionate about, no matter how ridiculous I might secretly find it. I want to build up her self-esteem and make her feel confident in herself. However I’m sure they’ll be something she resents in my parenting when she gets older that I may not even know I’m doing. I think it’s impossible to escape

Bimmering · 01/03/2026 07:41

Uvorange · 28/02/2026 12:46

I will say on mn I’m sometimes horrified that people say they were never taught to eg cook and call their mum a ‘bad mum’ over it
i do wonder though if it’s just so hard to articulate what the problem was, So it comes out in examples like not being taught how to cook that seem so trivial to anyone looking in.

For example my mum never cared about making my hair look nice, that wasn’t important to her, it was important to me but that doesn’t matter because it wasnt important to her. On its own that seems like nothing but it’s just one example of a thousand when things weren’t important to her and my feelings didn’t matter. I think that’s why it can be so hard to know if you’re overreacting and or to worry about every little thing we may do wrong with our children, because I can see clearly that not doing my hair nicely isn’t something to still be upset over, but I am. But I don’t think I would be if my feelings had been prioritised at other points.

Yes, I think sometimes it's hard to articulate the bigger picture. Like if I started a thread about my mum saying "oh what a shame you didn't lose some weight" when seeing me in my wedding dress, I guarantee some posters would say "I'm sure she didn't mean to criticise you, she was just stressed" But it was part of a bigger (no pun intended) of her criticising my appearance my entire life.

I also think there is a huge contingent on here who just don't really understand that some mothers are awful. And I think - good for them, how lovely that their experience has been like that.

But they have a tendency to come onto threads and say things like "oh but you'll miss her when she's gone" or "but she's your muuuuum" or "she didn't really mean it that way, you're over sensitive" And that's where I kind of want them to just buzz off because they are just picturing these issues with their own lovely mum and not getting at all that some of us don't have that.

Theboredpanda · 01/03/2026 10:15

Bimmering · 01/03/2026 07:41

Yes, I think sometimes it's hard to articulate the bigger picture. Like if I started a thread about my mum saying "oh what a shame you didn't lose some weight" when seeing me in my wedding dress, I guarantee some posters would say "I'm sure she didn't mean to criticise you, she was just stressed" But it was part of a bigger (no pun intended) of her criticising my appearance my entire life.

I also think there is a huge contingent on here who just don't really understand that some mothers are awful. And I think - good for them, how lovely that their experience has been like that.

But they have a tendency to come onto threads and say things like "oh but you'll miss her when she's gone" or "but she's your muuuuum" or "she didn't really mean it that way, you're over sensitive" And that's where I kind of want them to just buzz off because they are just picturing these issues with their own lovely mum and not getting at all that some of us don't have that.

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I’ve actually mainly seen the opposite from a lot of people on MN. A lot of people suggest posters simply go no contact with their mothers for, sometimes, fairly minor reasons.

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