AMA: Married to a husband with ASPD

[Goldfinch03]

I've been married to my DH who has an ASPD diagnosis for over 10 years. Ask anything if interested.

What's an ASPD disgnosis?

Presumably antisocial personality disorder

How does his ASPD manifest?

As poster bigboykitty said it's antisocial personality disorder.

How did he end up getting this diagnosis? When did you find out about it? Do you believe he experiences empathy, compassion, remorse or guilt? Do you have children?

In a few ways I'd say, although most people wouldn't notice.
A general disinterest in other people's needs and lack of empathy or compassion. He is good to those he loves generally but it still becomes apparent at times. Very contrarian outside of this circle and often unreasonable.

That seems pretty vague and low-key. By that standard quite a few people I know could get a diagnosis. I thought ASPD was a severe diagnosis.

He was diagnosed before I met him as part of a court mandate. I met him after that so never experienced that chaotic and violent behaviour. I learned about it early on in our relationship and way before we got married

That's the problem with amateur diagnosis. It's a pervasive pattern of behaviour and a fundamental lack of empathy at a profound level.

@Goldfinch03 can I ask how your partner came to be assessed and diagnosed? Has he been in the criminal justice system?

Sorry - cross posted with you

What are his best features? Does he have good friends and is he a good friend? Are you ever scared of him?

Pervasive doesn’t really seem to apply here though as he is apparently good to people he is close to (won’t say “cares about”) and OP says she has never experienced violent or chaotic behaviour, which he’s obviously capable of.

He has definitely been to court and he is known to the police, but he has never received a custodial sentence.
He was diagnosed as part of a court ordered assessment following a pattern of criminal behaviour which had started from childhood age but escalated.

Is he away from crime now? What's your relationship like? Is it loving?

What has he been to court for?

I had to think about this and I think my answer will sound disappointing because it's safety and loyalty.
He has some friends but not many long term ones.
Yes, sometimes he scares me but never through obvious aggression.

Why did you marry him?

Can you expand on safety and also how he scares you?

OP, do you relax around him, or is he a bit of a wild card / coiled spring, especially if you're out in unfamiliar circumstances?
Your posts make my nervous system literally tingle, but I've lived through coercive control and domestic abuse.
I hope you're OK.

Assault and fraud

I think that he was the first person who ever got me, didn't judge me, and who I also felt who needed me.
We married 2 years later knowing that we were both weird and what boundaries we had.

I've got a family member with this diagnosis. I've no idea why anyone would marry someone knowingly with this

Are you not frightened that he is just presenting you with what you want to see and the mask will slip eventually?

We've been together for 12 years. What would he be waiting for?

It’s so annoying when someone starts a potentially interesting AMA and then gives absolutely bland and minimal answers.