AMA: Married to a husband with ASPD

[Goldfinch03]

I've been married to my DH who has an ASPD diagnosis for over 10 years. Ask anything if interested.

No. I just think its wrong that people think its okay to essentially imprison creatures that will be vulnerable and dependent their entire lifetimes with someone who is volatile and aggressive

Of course he has good points. He's very caring and considerate and supportive even though he often doesn't understand my needs. He is also a good friend and very practical. My family all really like him too.

As I said at the start most people never get to see his other side because he is just normal and helpful to most.

He loves his pets and would never harm them. All of ours are rescues.

Are you ever triggered or upset by his lack of empathy or do you have aspects of your own personality (avoidance for example) that protect you from this and mean you get on well?

What's the most unreasonable thing he's ever done to you?

Does he have outbursts like paranoia or extreme black mood swings like people with BPD?

Do you feel he knows that defrauding people and assaulting people is wrong and shameful, and does he care about how others might perceive him. Like does he feel shame?

I am very familiar with BPD but not ASPD. Thank you!

Yes I am sometimes triggered. When we first got together this happened a lot and I had to explain my "needs" to him. It got a lot better since but there are times when he upsets me but I know that he tries his best.

He gets mood swings but not as severe as they happen with BPD, and he has depressive phases.
He is absolutely paranoid and doesn't trust people not to have ulterior motives.

He doesn't feel shame and is convinced that people are at fault when they get taken advantage of. It's one of our biggest disagreements but I won't be able to change his mind.

Most unreasonable. Maybe when he made me walk up a steep mountain trail despite me being ill at the time. And when he made me move to another country for a job that he had wanted which meant that I lost my close contacts and which made me severely depressed. All things that probably taught me to set boundaries.

Life with him sounds horrifying. Would you not prefer to be free and have a happy, easy life?

Thank you. I hope you don't take this wrongly but he sounds very very difficult to love.
What do you think keeps you with him? Do you feel scared almost that he couldn't survive without you?

Deep down do you think being with him is healthy for you?

He ‘made’ you do those things?????

I clocked that, too, hopefully OP finds support in real life to free herself.

You made the decision not to have children because of him, or had you already made that choice?

I think that he'd be ok without me most likely but I would struggle a lot. I did break up with him some years into the relationship but we got back together.
No offence taken because he can be difficult to love at times.
He's the best and most stable relationship I ever had.

I already knew that i probably wouldn't be a great mother because of my own issues and I still think that. Together we'd have been a disaster no child deserves.

I hope you can seek therapy for your own issues and self esteem.

Just because someone has a personality disorder it doesn't give them the right to force you to do things or treat you poorly.

I also hope he is seeking therapy to try and minimise the damage his behaviour can have on him and those around him.

My sister has overlapping Cluster B personality disorders, it is very hard to live with. My question is just this: do you have support for the most difficult times?

I have regular therapy myself and won't let that slip

I'm so sorry to hear this and I hope that you and your sister are ok.
I think I have support but I cannot trust it to be there when I need it. Like many of us here I'm sure.

@Goldfinch03 I appreciate this thread has fizzled out, but I want to note that what you describe is not "petty revenge". "Petty revenge" would have been to fuck with the settings on the colleague's work chair, or to switch their monitors around. 1. Fabricating evidence 2. to get somebody dismissed are... very much not petty actions.

I never used the term petty revenge?

what caused him to develop aspd?

interesting thread!

I don't think that was ever a topic. He had a very troubled childhood which will have been a factor, but given one of the parents' behavior it's likely there is also a genetic component in his case.

What mental health condition do you have?

It sounds like you're very vulnerable, and have a pattern of unhealthy relationships.

Sorry I only just saw this. It's been a rollercoaster that's for sure. I've had my own bouts of therapy over the years to deal with her behaviour - she... well... she takes much less responsibility and only sticks with stuff until she is told to do some work on herself. She's there for the sympathy but not for the hard yards.

BPD.
Yes I definitely have such a relationship pattern. As I said this is the most stable one I ever had and I know that he loves me in his own way.