Ask a 97 year old Mumsnet fan

[Pebbles16]

My 97 year old great aunt is a fan of Mumsnet and has asked me to post. Warning: she will likely be in bed by 9.30
Me: should we do this in the am?
GA: No, if people ask ?s overnight, it will give us something to do...

Hey ho
So, some background to my GA: she was born in Shanghai; was interned in WW2; lived in the Far East until 1970 when she was widowed. Moved to the UK and HAS NEVER adjusted to the weather; this summer is the only time she's mentioned "it's a bit warm".
She has learned multiple languages over the years.
Did not have children (likely as a result of the prison camp conditions).
Spent most of her life advocating for children affected by war.
Cheats at most board games.
Mocks my tolerance to chillies.

So, ask us anything!

Just found this thread. My fave ever AMA. Please send my best wishes and thanks to GA @Pebbles16 - she sounds bloody marvellous!

What’s her favourite musical?

Were her parents Scottish ? I'm asking because of the porridge with salt .

Just read this thread after it was shared on another thread and have so enjoyed it. OP, your GA reminds me strongly of my beloved MiL (born 1924, died 2021) who was also widowed young when the love of her life died suddenly. She had to rebuild her life without him, but it was never the same. Please thank your dear GA for sharing her wisdom and experience so generously with us.

OP, your GA sounds amazing.

This thread has really resonated with me as my GM and one of my (much older) cousins were civilian internees on Sumatra - the 'Tenko' camps. I never met my GM as she died before I was born. From what I know, she had what we'd now call PTSD after the war. And like op's GA, my cousin who was interned as an adolescent married but never had any children.

This also struck a chord:
"We shared so much but didn't really want to remember any of it".
One of my relatives said that nobody really talked about what they had gone through after the war. Also, I think some things were regarded as just too horrific to tell the children - I can think of a couple of examples where children were protected from some of the horrible details.

OP, if you and GA are still up for questions, I'd love to know - if she is prepared to talk about it - if there was anyone who looked out for her when she was an adolescent in camp? Or did she have to rely entirely on herself? Was she given any sort of education?

Also, why on earth was she moved from Lunghau to Tjideng? It's a very long way, and I can't imagine that it was a pleasant journey.

I'm so glad that she came out the other side and has had such an amazing and productive life.

Been spending the weekend with GA. She is so chuffed that people have enjoyed this thread.
Magic wand to understand: that everyone is different but your different and my different should not make for hatred: "embrace difference"

Hmmm.... she would never be elected on this. 1 pence additional tax for everyone. But this would only go into health, social care and education.
The ability to apply for asylum in France and the dismantling of refugee barons (similarly for other major hubs - preferably in country).
Minimum wage to be abolished for living wage.
Prison to focus on education and rehabilitation for all offenders below five years sentence. In fact, not prison but more like offenders institutions. Mandatory mental health support for all prisoners. (May not have mentioned this but she still serves on an advisory committee for HMPS).
Me to GA: "and your foreign policy"
GA" "Fuck Trump and anything to do with him"
Me: "GA, that is not going to help"
GA: quite literally trumps and collapses into giggles - the conversation then went onto how very nice the Waitrose own brand Italian wine is...

I think I love her 😍

So GA believes that everyone who belives they suffer trauma does actually suffer trauma even though many of us dismiss it, and - in many cases - individual trauma is what society might describe as "trivial". Anyone should be able to seek help from a loved one or trusted person without judgement - social skills should be on the curriculum.
However, the degrees of trauma are different, and she worries that people with severe trauma and mental ill health are stuck in a queue.
She also firmly believes that social skills should include resilience and lack thereof is a social problem. This is not just a young person problem, she has seen so many of her peers fall apart under the least pressure.

The move from Lunghau is a mystery. GA did quickly learn Japanese and possibly was seen as an asset (ie, she learnt the Imperial tongue and was therefore considered "compliant". She agrees with this POV but says nothing could be further from the truth as her "mission" was to report back). Hey ho. She is disinclined to travel by boat at any point, ever.
She was educated in Lunghau - absolutely compulsory but, once her mother became ill, she became a "hospital attendant" and was trained in basic nursing. GA says basic nursing was clearing up a lot of shit, vomit and blood.
Because GA learnt Japanese she was regarded with suspicion by some people so had a mix of care and disdain by the adults. In Tjideng she was very much welcomed and met her future mother in law who really took her under her wing.
With permission, here is an extract from her eulogy to her MIL - please bear in mind, very few people knew about either of their histories at this point.

"MIL was my strength through the most difficult years of my life. She attended to her every duty and considered every problem big or small.
"To give you an idea, a small problem was someone stealing a part of a food ration; in a camp where everyone is starving.
"A big problem post Japanese defeat, living under their rule and trying to dissuade the internees from exacting revenge - do you really want to live with another person's death on your hands?
"She listened to everyone and helped them steer a path. She wanted their consciences to be clear.
"She was a true leader although she only considered herself a housewife doing her duty, and even then she felt she fell short because she had had not seen her son for nearly 10 years and throughout that time he had been to university, fought in the European war and became the man I love."

The eulogy is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I've seen and is submitted to the Imperial War Museum for posthumous consideration.

@fuschiaproudparrot Not as far as I know. But the abomination of sweet porridge...eurgh in our house!

@ClimbingBear GA is a BIG musical fan. Les Mis and we have a competition about who cries first (Eponine for me). We also love Come From Away and have tickets for Jesus Christ Superstar - seen it before but big fans of Sam Ryder.

@NotAtMyAge We didn't realise we were shared.
GA says her biggest hatred in life was being robbed of Ben but she believed she rebuilt her life bigger and stronger because of him.
She says goodnight to him every night (yes, GA you know this because we polish A LOT)

Please tell GA that her mindful replies and gregariousness have really given me a kick up the arse ❤️

What a woman. Tell her I am registered blind and scared a lot of the time, but reading this account of her life and opinions makes me genuinely feel like grabbing my chances by the throat and really living.

My question is this; how should we raise our sons to not warmonger, to respect women, to cherish children and indeed each other?

Thank you for answering - I am also a huge musical fan.
I love Les Mis, I’ve lost count how many times I’ve seen it. And I too have tickets for JCS (am also a Sam Ryder fan). Can’t wait! I hope you both enjoy it.

I haven’t seen Come From Away. I’ll add that to the list.

@Pebbles16, many thanks to you and your GA for answering my questions.

Where were they from then ?

So lovely to hear from you and GA again. I'm glad you had a lovely weekend with her, she is wonderful and thoughtful. The eulogy sounds just right.

We are approaching bed time (mine, GA thrives on various naps).
Keep living and striving. GA feels grateful for what she has and just in her words "bulldozes the obstacles, they are usually other people's problems".

Regarding your question
"I don't have sons so can speak with no authority. I can only speak of my experience which is that boys need good role models be that strong men or strong women.
"They need to know they are safe to express their thoughts and feelings. And sometimes those feelings are anger and frustration - no more or less than girls - but sometimes come out in destructive ways. To this point they need a very big hug because we all need a big hug. Being denied physical contact in my formative years did me no favours.
"I truly wish I could ban boys accessing toxic people like Andrew Tate. But in historical context that's like banning any type of fundamentalism, it doesn't work. We need to be more observant and shine the strongest spotlight against those who do us and society harm.
"I like to believe that most people are out to do their best. So, we should encourage this by praising the good, modelling the good, striving for it and celebrating it."

Shanghai - what can I say? I would say we don't have a sweet tooth but given that we've munched our way through some very tasty ginger and chocolate biscuits, I may be fibbing!

She sounds like my lovely Dad @Pebbles16 think I said that before. He lived to a great old age.

Such a brilliant woman, she is. Thank her for the reply please. I've saved it and I will be referring back to her words, when I have obstacles to bulldoze ❤️

Ah sorry I thought she was born to expatriate parents based on her internment .

@fuschiaproudparrot ah I see what you mean. Her mother was born in Sussex. Her father in India but had such a common surname that it throws up no clues.

Never a truer word spoken, I wish some of the posters of anti immigrant threads would read this one.

My question is, how does one live a good life without romantic love? Because I see many posters suffering that here.

Hello @Summerhillsquare. I don't need to consult GA on this because we have prepared for this question. I have discussed it at length with her (and she has given me permission to quote her journal below - the "diary" I am allowed to see).

She loved Ben, and only Ben. She writes, she feels with him. (GA, you kiss his picture each night, and that is beautiful).
Her friends were all up for setting her up but she just couldn't. She had her great romance: married for over 20 years.

And to be more candid
"Why would I want some man just to be with any man? I had mine. He filled my life up forever - admittedly I didn't quite realise how long my 'forever' might be.
"I know he would have wanted me to be happy. We certainly weren't expecting him to be rubbish and die quite so early. Yes, I do get cross about that. He was only 50 - but you know, we weren't exactly living the 'recommended healthy lifestyle'. Scratch that 'recommended healthy lifestyle' did not exist in 1970.
"I do understand why people seek romantic love, but that is fleeting. I wish I could explain that to people. You move on to 'companion love' and that is good.
"Yes, I spent a lot of the 70s without human contact and that was hard, but then I discovered friends and family and realised that hugs are probably the most important human contact. Hugs weren't big until the 90s I think - way too late. I hugged every tiny child I could during those dull consular years. And staff and anyone else looking like they needed one.
"When I went more deeply into my work with people who need people, I realised a hug can be transformative."

GA has hugged her way around the world. She and Covid DID NOT GET ON!

So that's her view on romantic love and she has guided me through my relationship of over 30 years which like all relationships, are not all flowers and roses.
Her key points

• do you love this person
• are you giving up too much of yourself to be with this person
• are you happy