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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

418 replies

Averyverybadperson · Today 07:58

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

OP posts:
Whenisitsummer · Today 08:11

Of course Yanbu.
Tell people the truth, why wouldn't you. Agree with posting the screen shots under his posts ( not photos, as per a previous poster).

BuddhaAtSea · Today 08:12

Don’t protect him, just reply to his posts with the truth.

Dollymylove · Today 08:12

Having a terminal illness doesn't cancel out shitty behaviour. Pack his bags and send him to his 19 year old babe. I wonder how long she will put up with his cocklodging crap

Scrambledomelette · Today 08:12

NoShitHere · Today 08:08

I mean, you accepted affair after affair but now, following his diagnosis, have decided enough is enough. The timing does feel…. convenient.

I’m not saying you are right or wrong. I’m just saying even if you do come out now about the affairs, I’m not sure it will change other people’s opinions.

Personally I would have waited. I’m not saying 5 years but long enough for people not to think you are an unpleasant person. By acting now you have given him all the power (again).

You would take up caring duties, on top of paying his child maintenance, with a man who has no respect for you and was planning to leave you, to save face?

Shelby2010 · Today 08:13

There is no way I would let people believe his shit without correcting their assumptions. Like pointing out that he’s been paying the rent for his latest bit on the side, so no reason he can’t move in with her. At 19y, she’ll have a lot more energy to be his carer.

I wouldn’t post any pictures of him & her if they are likely to get you in to trouble ie they are naked. But I would if they are snogging in a bar type photos. Anyone who confronted me would certainly be shown them all.

And if/when he blocked my posts I would make my own - tagging all his friends & family. A nice list of names who he has shagged around with lately.

NoShitHere · Today 08:13

Scrambledomelette · Today 08:12

You would take up caring duties, on top of paying his child maintenance, with a man who has no respect for you and was planning to leave you, to save face?

Show quote history

No but I would have been more strategic about ending the relationship.

Newvember · Today 08:13

I would do my own social media posts about the impacts to someone of being cheated on continuously. Also in the "sharing awareness" style he is using!

hattie43 · Today 08:14

After his behaviour I wouldn’t feel any guilt at leaving him . He’s reeping what he’s sown . Maybe he can ask his 19yr old to step in as a carer .

Original poster
Averyverybadperson · Today 08:14

Thanks all. I have been tempted to post some of the screenshots under his posts. But firstly, they're interspersed with nudes and dick pics, and secondly, I really don't want to get dragged into mudslinging or airing the details of what is an incredibly painful situation for me in public.

After all, I wasn't his wife, or even his fiancee - he never asked ME to marry him. Just the domestic admin, emotional support and financial provider, I guess.

OP posts:
hattie43 · Today 08:16

Unless you’ve kept this completely hidden the people who know you , who matter , will know the true story . Personally I’m not in to posting personal stuff on SM for others to pick over .

frozendaisy · Today 08:17

A few people’s disapproval (assume the ones who know you understand you aren’t the heartless bitch he has made you out to be) v the best five years of caring and paying for this dreadful man

meh no contest

start enjoying mentally planning what you will do with all that space

he could move in with 19 year old he’s paying the rent already - why don’t you post that in reply

“oh you won’t be homeless you are already paying rent on a flat aren’t you sweetheart”

fuck him

maranella · Today 08:17

You don't have to give chapter and verse to these people OP, but telling them that you're breaking up with him because he's cheated on you with seven other women and not because he's had this diagnosis is perfectly fair, since he's doing the 'poor me' act online and you're now the bad guy. Fuck him! He's a lying, cheating, cock-lodger who just happens to have a terminal illness.

Anneleesa · Today 08:18

I would blot out the face of the 19 year old and post the pictures of him and her. Say that you’ve forgiven him for five affairs you’ve already known about, he has stolen money off you by letting you pay for everything while he pays the OW rent, but he’s dying and there is now no time to argue and no time to forgive.

Say you’ve set him free so that he can spend time with his kids without the atmosphere of affair hanging over everyone. And you have given him the gift of being free to openly have relationships with whichever girls he likes before his life ends.

MarcellaGrace · Today 08:18

Averyverybadperson · Today 08:14

Thanks all. I have been tempted to post some of the screenshots under his posts. But firstly, they're interspersed with nudes and dick pics, and secondly, I really don't want to get dragged into mudslinging or airing the details of what is an incredibly painful situation for me in public.

After all, I wasn't his wife, or even his fiancee - he never asked ME to marry him. Just the domestic admin, emotional support and financial provider, I guess.

Well, just say ‘Terminally-ill Nigel is also a serial shagger, who most recently went for a teenager.’

Honestly, OP, the grimmest thing here is that it seems to have taken his terminal diagnosis to make you realise you’ve been allowing yourself to be exploited because of your poor self-esteem, and not even just with this guy, from what you say. Repeated infidelities, financial exploitation — you were fine with this?

Scrambledomelette · Today 08:20

Averyverybadperson · Today 08:14

Thanks all. I have been tempted to post some of the screenshots under his posts. But firstly, they're interspersed with nudes and dick pics, and secondly, I really don't want to get dragged into mudslinging or airing the details of what is an incredibly painful situation for me in public.

After all, I wasn't his wife, or even his fiancee - he never asked ME to marry him. Just the domestic admin, emotional support and financial provider, I guess.

How many shared friends do you have? Would it be a huge impact on your life if he allowed his friends and family to monster you for his own benefit or could you just step out of his life quite clinically and set the record straight among the people in your own world?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · Today 08:21

What about:

I want to correct this account....

Whilst it's true that my (ex-) partner has been diagnosed with a terminal condition, and Ive asked him to leave (my) house.

this is NOT the reason we're parting.

The reason we're parting is his multiple affairs- I recently found out he was disrespecting me, telling a 19-year-old girl he's been having an affair with, that he wanted to leave me and marry her immediately.

I've also been (in) directly supporting his other five children financially for many years.

Incredibly, he's also been paying the 19 year old's rent without my knowledge.

I don't think anyone should judge me in this circumstance.

Anyone who feels sorry for him is welcome to look after him

Original poster
Averyverybadperson · Today 08:22

hattie43 · Today 08:16

Unless you’ve kept this completely hidden the people who know you , who matter , will know the true story . Personally I’m not in to posting personal stuff on SM for others to pick over .

I kept it completely hidden, even from my own friends. I have quite significant self esteem issues, and I suppose I was terrified that if I told people what was happening, they'd just think, "well well, can you blame him? Look at her." It doesn't help that all the other women have been very young and absolutely gorgeous.

We did actually break up after the previous incident in January 2026, but went through several rounds of heavy duty therapy and eventually reconciled. I genuinely thought we had a chance of making it work. Dont know why. He has never been faithful to any other woman in his life, by his own admission.

OP posts:
OffWith · Today 08:23

everynowandthenifallapart · Today 08:01

Just post the screenshots under his posts, I would

1000% this op.

Show the world what he did to you.

Lookingforwardtospringnextyear · Today 08:24

NoShitHere · Today 08:08

I mean, you accepted affair after affair but now, following his diagnosis, have decided enough is enough. The timing does feel…. convenient.

I’m not saying you are right or wrong. I’m just saying even if you do come out now about the affairs, I’m not sure it will change other people’s opinions.

Personally I would have waited. I’m not saying 5 years but long enough for people not to think you are an unpleasant person. By acting now you have given him all the power (again).

This is a pretty unpleasant view point.
Have you not heard of the final straw that broke the camel's back? It happens in countless relationships.
When it comes down to it what do other people's opinions matter if OP has the self respect from ending the relationship with this cheater?
And yes she should make sure his behaviour isn't a secret.

Motnight · Today 08:24

NoShitHere · Today 08:08

I mean, you accepted affair after affair but now, following his diagnosis, have decided enough is enough. The timing does feel…. convenient.

I’m not saying you are right or wrong. I’m just saying even if you do come out now about the affairs, I’m not sure it will change other people’s opinions.

Personally I would have waited. I’m not saying 5 years but long enough for people not to think you are an unpleasant person. By acting now you have given him all the power (again).

Really odd advice

Op has her whole life to consider, not just what people who have no idea of the situation think. Women aren't put on this earth to blindly stand by their men.

Original poster
Averyverybadperson · Today 08:25

Scrambledomelette · Today 08:20

How many shared friends do you have? Would it be a huge impact on your life if he allowed his friends and family to monster you for his own benefit or could you just step out of his life quite clinically and set the record straight among the people in your own world?

Show quote history

All my closest friends are mutual friends. That's how we met in the first place, as we're all involved in a very outing hobby. I think this is going to cost me my entire friendship circle.

OP posts:
Lexibletheflexible · Today 08:25

Id be thinking he's going to need a lot from me and he doesnt deserve it.

BoilsMyPiss · Today 08:25

You should set the record straight, kindly and respectfully

I am aware of the posts and comments circulating regarding the end of my relationship with [Name]. While I understand why people are responding to a very sad health diagnosis, I want to be entirely clear: my decision to leave was based on severe, repeated betrayals of trust over several years, not his medical news.
I have quietly supported [Name] both personally and financially throughout our time together. While I deeply regret his diagnosis, I cannot sacrifice my own wellbeing to stay in a relationship defined by infidelity and deceit.
To ensure he has time to organize alternative living arrangements and access support systems, I am continuing to provide him with accommodation through to the New Year. Out of respect for myself, I will not be airing further private details online, and I ask that my privacy is respected during what is already an extraordinarily difficult time

OneoftheWeddingPeople · Today 08:26

There are quite a few people I know are decent so if they did this I would assume they had good reason. I’m sure there are those people in your life op.

Frostynoman · Today 08:26

I am not one to air dirty laundry in public but I would be replying, short and factually,
that he is a serial cheat, took your cash so he could pay for a 19 year olds rent who he has asked to marry him and that was the last straw and I would say how many affairs you are aware of to this point. I would also add text from the screen shots (crop them) to back that up and leave it there and not get dragged into it further. I think you’re being way too nice to give him until new year - he’d be out if he were doing that to me. He also needs to be out so his care isn’t planned with his current living situation in mind.

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