Should I do both bedtimes

Have you tried something like nesti compression pod, weighted blanket, microwavable soft toy to give the feeling of a person. And an audiobook so there's something for mind to focus on

Can you alternate bedtimes? Each child gets time with each parent? Otherwiise is there room for a chair in DS room? Or if you woke DH up at 11 would DS wake-up too? (These are some things we tried in similar circs) Xx

Short term id stick 10 year old in double bed with dh, perhaps bedtime like 9.30pm so not too early for dh if he does fall asleep.

You take ds bed

Hmm, DH is at risk of a car accident if he doesn’t sleep well, but you’re perfectly fine looking after a baby without sufficient sleep? Sounds like bullshit to me tbh.

In the long term you will probably need to wean DS off having someone with him, but that doesn’t help in the short term! I think if you’re still with DS when DD wakes then DH can deal with her. If you’re in bed than you take it in turns so you each do alternate nights.

Well, you aren't your dh's mum, there to babysit him through every little issue. What does he think?

I'd alternative bedtimes between the dc. Your dh is perfectly capable of setting a vibration alarm to make sure he doesn't sleep with your ds all night, or doing an activity to keep himself awake.

You doing both bedtimes, while also doing the night waking so your dh gets all the sleep seems wildly unreasonable.

Can DH do the toddler's bedtime instead?

Would DS sleep in the double with DH and you could sleep in DS bed as a trial, just to see if it works before you start rearranging rooms?

I was you in this scenario with the nd non sleeping eldest and a BF baby/toddler and I was also your husband in that I have a tiring job and an hour+ commute each way so fall asleep and then can't get a deep sleep later. Because I'm the mum and the woman noone would expect anything other than that I continue to do bedtimes. My husband wfh most day yet mil would still lament that his sleep would be affected by the children waking me.

Anyway I've no real sympathy for men being asked to do things that are just expected of women so my answer is no, he pulls his weight, they're his kids too, if he wants to not fall asleep he can find ways, in have techniques for stay in ng awake which don't always work.

That sounds exhausting for everyone, and I don't think you doing both bedtimes every night is sustainable when you're already the one up with DD through the night. One thing that might help is staggering it so DH does DD's bedtime on the nights he does DS, or even pushing DS's bedtime a little later so DH has had a proper break after his commute first — a tired adult falling asleep in the child's bed is almost guaranteed when bedtime comes straight after a long day. A vibrating alarm on his wrist for ten or fifteen minutes after DS settles could also stop him drifting off for hours. And honestly, if he's falling asleep at the wheel, his sleep has to be the priority, even if it means rejigging the rooms sooner rather than later.

Dh needs to step up. It's his children too.
If he doesn't do bedtime he needs to do cooking, laundry, cleaning. It's a team effort.

He is stepping up…..being the some breadwinner for a family of 4

the OP could of course go back to work to enable DH to change jobs with a shorter commute?

she has one child at home whilst the the elder is presumably at school - not exactly a hard day

I think you need to find a sleep training solution for your son. I have no idea what that would look like but short term disruption will lead to long term sleep for all of you. Once you get your son into a routine you can then work on DD’s sleep.

What time is DS bedtime? Try earlier or later but you really really need to bite the bullet & get him going to sleep without you, he is 10! How will he manage school residential?

You need to sort both DC out, they will not like it but you cannot keep doing this.

She's a sahm with only one toddler at home, its not hard to fit in cleaning and laundry.

Are you all practising good sleep hygiene? No screens for 2 hours before bed, cut caffeine & alcohol etc

If DD is NT and DS is ND surely you’d be better focusing on getting DD’s sleep routine really nailed down whilst one parent goes to bed with DS? He could need someone to co sleep with him for years yet. Also agree that getting him a double bed & DH going to bed with him is probably the answer for the time being.

i say this as a DM to a ND child

Sleep deprivation is torture, unless you've lived it don't talk about what's a hard day and I don't mean lived it with a newborn but the best part of a decade.

What about those of us doing both? Working and bedtimes? But we're women and mothers. Why is it a reasonable expectation for us but not for men?

Not a hard day with a baby or toddler?a day with a baby or toddler can be totally relentless and also your job on thoae days is to keep that child safe, a child you may have to drive about while severely and chronically sleep deprived. Why is that not as important as a commute?

There isn't enough sleep to go round, there aren't enough hours where both kids are asleep for all adults to get enough sleep. Sleep is needed to function, not just to do paid work. This isn't housework we're talking about it's how much rest you get over time to do what you need to do.

The only thing stopping these adults from sleeping is having to care for awake children. Or do you think the child is drinking alcohol?

Can you set it up so DH just goes to bed with DS in the same room/bed? So it’s more planned?
what’s your toddler’s usual schedule? Sounds like she needs less day sleep and / or later bedtime so she’s more tired for the night. If you DH has to walk her to sleep, to me thst shows she isn’t ready for bed at that time.

My ND kid would also lie awake for hours, I would think he was asleep and a flicker of movement or the creak of the floorboard and his head would pop up- I had a mattress on the floor in his room, he listened to audiobooks, weighted blanket, comfort blanket, chewy toys for anxiety, calming oil diffuser…but the real game changer was starting him on melatonin. Once he went to sleep quicker and woke less, it was easier to sort bedtime for our younger one, and actually sleep ourselves

I have to sit with my DC every night. They share a bedroom now so I don’t have to juggle who I’m with.

Either try to tackle it by weening your DS off having a person in the room or set the room up so an adult can also sleep in his room comfortably. There aren't really any other options.