Should I do both bedtimes

Just put DH in a double bed with DS.
you sleep next to DD
i sleep in giant superking with my toddler, husband looks after the older two at bedtime and overnight, they all have double beds so he can lie in with them/sleep with them as needed.

Could you sleep train your toddler?

You mention your DD not settling for your husband..I would look at working on this, otherwise she is also going to end up with a similar situation with bedtimes causing issues for many years to come (perhaps through imitation rather than sen needs).

I think doctors for advice about melatonin, and look at the bed arrangements. Co sleeping is probably the best way your DH and son will get to sleep so I would look at swapping beds.

I would certainly push for melatonin- it’s the only way DS (17) gets any sleep at all.

as he is at specialist school can they provide any advice to help? We saw a sleep specialist when ds was younger and she was great.

I also agree it’s worth seeking advice now for DD to see if you can get her sleep sorted so you only have one to focus on.

good luck

The op says her son goes to a special school. They have been around since the mid 1800's and it has been a legal requirement for children with learning disabilities to attend school since the end of WW1. How old are you that this is new fangled?

You may well be older than me. I’d bet actual money that you’re not older than my grandads brother, who we all definitely wished was capable of doing better for himself as you have. He can barely read and write and would struggle to even speak to someone outside the family.

But if you want to believe it’s because he didn’t try hard enough, you do you boo.

Gah, sorry you’re having such unhelpful responses.
We have similar issues and we have a superking and single bed pushed together in our bedroom and then I sleep in the middle of both children. When dd was younger we had a cosleeper cot, then toddler bed. It’s not ideal long term I guess but at least everyone sleeps

How many days in a row has your DH tried to put DD to bed? She just needs to adjust to it being him rather than her - and he needs to work out a strategy that doesn't involve him going for a walk.

If you then take over with your DS perhaps you can try to wean him off needing an adult present in order to settle

I’m clearly older than you so not that girl. I’d almost certainly be labelled with countless terms if I was at school now, that hasn’t stopped me doing anything, being successful or using it as a reason to avoid things. If anything it’s made me more determined to prove everyone wrong.

That's not what you said at all - you said it 'didn't exist', which I, and I'm sure the OP and many other people, read as a sneery, eye-rolling comment.

Yeah, I agree with this. DH needs to grow up and manage his own sleep effectively. It’s not impossible to stay awake during a child’s bedtime.

Because it’s not a new phenomenon - it’s just now better labelled.

I’m certain the girl I was at school with 30 years ago who we all avoided touching was probably ND but we weren’t able to articulate it at the time - she was just different so everyone avoided her.

And my grandad’s brother who barely leaves his house, never moved out from his parents and is a hoarder would almost certainly be called ND if he was in school now. I can imagine my great grandma shared a bed with him until he was in his teens.

I’m glad for these people that there are diagnoses and tools now.

Could they take your bed? Could the three of you sleep in it together, or you switch into DS’s bed?

Is there room for a second bed in DD’s room?

I have said it’s a new phenomenon so I don’t have any experience of it. Why is that ignorant?

I can talk from experience and that is routine and expectation and building resilience for life.

ND kids often struggle with sleep. As the parent of one who struggles with sleep even as an older teen I'd move beds around so your DH or you can sleep in with your son and get a good night's sleep long term. It's worth the up front investment of time. You'll all feel better if DH is getting a good night's sleep.

Then (temporarily) you sleep in there and DH and DS sleep in your room - not ideal, but might get you to a better place with the toddler and then you can shuffle things round (bunk bed? trundle bed?)

I might be missing the point, but why can’t DH just cosleep with DS? 11-7am is a normal adult sleep time, so that should work and be enough for him to then go to work? Why is he waking up at 2am unable to sleep again? Would this happen if he was in bed with you?

Yes it’s not ideal but it might be the reality of a ND child for now.

Controversial maybe but DS going to bed quite late actually works pretty well in a way. With a proper bed and late bedtime your husband still gets some semblance of an evening and would have a decent chance of sleeping through.

I wouldn't get too elaborate in the bed arrangements. A standard double bed would give enough space for DH now and if it gets a little cramped as DS goes into puberty and starts wanting his own space more, maybe that is no bad thing. I think DH does need to retain his space in your bed too though.

It's not forever, and it'll probably change when you least expect it.

i sleep with my ND daughter as she can’t sleep alone. She also needs melatonin otherwise she’s just awake for hours/wakes at the slightest noise. I’d try your husband sleeping with son in main bed and you do DD bedtime and then sleep in sons bed?

It's much safer being sleep deprived with children than driving a car. I changed my job so I could walk in instead of a motorway drive. The worst thing that happened when I was exhausted was making mistakes at work, forgetting things and being miserable. Far better than a car accident.

''An no, I don’t have an ND child. It’s a new thing that didn’t exist in my era of children.''

I'm never failed to be amazed about the absolute shit some people come out with on here and how unhelpful and downright ignorant some people can be.

I'm glad you dont have a ND child because god help them with your attitude.

Sorry OP, no advise, same boat though - 10 year old ND who also needs someone to co-sleep, luckily, other child is self sufficient so I'm only needed in one place at one time.