Should I do both bedtimes

We have all those too and also needed a prescription for melatonin to get our ND child to sleep.

I have lived it and staying home with a baby who naps and you can nap when they nap while the 10yo is in school during the day is MUCH easier than working all day and then doing bedtimes and night wakings all night.

No one is saying it is a reasonable expectation for women but not men. Most are saying that this is a tough situation and sleep deprivation is a real problem that should be taken seriously for both parents.

It also depends on the job how badly sleep deprivation can affect safety.

Same here. Esp since our ND child also suffers from an over active imagination. Loads of crying out because of “monster spiders” so not just settling them back to sleep but doing a full spider check and calming them down. Melatonin really helped us all get some sleep.

Rubbish. You were gaslit into thinking that was expected of you because you’re the mum. Your DH and MIL sound like absolute bell ends.

OP, why have you allowed this to go on for 10 years?

I think things need to change so everyone gets better sleep.
I would say for now change DSs room so DH can have a proper bed in there and sleep there most nights.
You stay doing DDs bedtime and work on improving her sleep.
When DD is sleeping better you and DH can work on improving DSs sleep, but with him being ND that might be easier said than done. It may be that you just accept one of you needs to stay with him overnight until he’s a bit older

How long does your DS take to get to sleep normally? Could you go wake DH up so he doesn't sleep too long?

I agree that you should consider having a set up so whoever puts DS to sleep can just stay there all night if needed. OR DH puts the toddler to bed. It sounds like you'll spend 2 hrs every evening lying in dark rooms if you do both bedtimes, and surely that's not sustainable either.

Can't you wake your DH up at 11pm or whatever so that he goes to bed properly at that point?

Or your DH should like with DS but not actually sleep - take a phone or tablet to read/watch something?

Otherwiseyes, just accept they have to co sleep properly together and make it suitably comforable.

PS with DS (ADHD, SPD) ironically, going to bed later helped us a bit (it was a bit of a fine line though so I can't give you a definitive solution) but the act of taking forever to fall asleep caused additional stress so putting him to bed LATER, with a quicker process to fall asleep helped all of us.

Hello again. I think you might get a better response on the SEN board as you will find lots of parents with ND kids need to help them regulate and wind down for bed. Does he have any support with communication so you can find out whether he has particular anxiety?

If you want to try melatonin it's available to buy online (it's an OTC med in the US for jetlag). In the UK it's usually only prescribed by psychiatrists (ie CAMHS rather than GP).

I don't think you can stop your son napping in the taxi after school but maybe you can try some later bedtimes (but still calm) if you know he's likely to have had a nap? (And just accept that he goes to be at 10pm and there's no "adult" time while you're in this stage?)

The one thing I would try and encourage you with is that ND children don't develop typically but they do develop so ride it out however you can and be ready to roll with the punches.

Sending love

This sounds so hard OP and I'm really sorry you are getting some totally unsympathetic responses. You sound like an amazing Mum.
Co-sleeping sounds like a good option for your DH and DS, I can understand the reluctance if it feels like a step backwards but ultimately you need to do what works for now and see if that improves rest for all of you. Perhaps give it a timeline of 6 weeks and then re-evaluate how it feels?
If you DH and DS are better rested and able for work and school then that is worth a huge amount. I know independent sleep in the goal and everyone will be telling you tales of rods for your own back etc. but you are doing your very best in challenging circumstances, there is nothing wrong with doing what works for now.

Prescription is best- pediatrician. I would not get anything online.

I would say this too although threshold to get it can be high. GP can usually refer you to a sleep specialist.

I'm about to do the same, DC same age still wakes in night and can take a long time to settle

I’m not “having a go”
I was asking a question. I genuinely don’t understand why let an issue of any sort go on for 10 years, or why a 10yr old needs a Co-sleeper.
An no, I don’t have an ND child. It’s a new thing that didn’t exist in my era of children.

I'm really sorry, you sound so tired!

My daughter is autistic so I know you can't really plan around things changing in that direction. I would be focussing on (1) creating a place for your husband and son to just sleep comfortably together in the short to longer term and (2) working on the toddler's sleeping as it doesn't sound like it's going well either. It feels to me like if you had one easy child (if possible) the rest would feel a bit more manageable. You shouldn't need to take a 1 year old outside to walk around to sleep - do you need to cut naps or start bedtime later or something else? My son didn't and doesn't have a lot of sleep needs so by 1 was down to a max hour nap in the day and a (I think!) 730pm bedtime - he'd sleep through until 5/6 or so but if he had a longer nap it all went terribly. So you might be able to do something to fix a different problem and give you all a bit more sleep.

Could you ask for support from early help with getting your toddler into a better sleeping pattern … so she ain’t waking during the night .
then the demand of your ND son could be better addressed .

sounds like some outside support and guidance would be beneficial .

No, he’s not able to fall back asleep after he wakes at 2am.

sleep hygiene is an important point.

I think this is key really,

I also think that if co sleeping works, do it. And again, with our DS, one thing we found when he was about this age was that the security of knowing that he would be spending the entire night with me/DH, did, over time, make him more able to sleep alone.

He's 15 now and he still struggles with sleep a bit - and has things he does for himself to try help like white noise, melatonin, a strict sleep hygiene schedule etc - but I often feel that us not FIGHTING with him about it all the time was the biggest benefit. But lots and lots of family and friends, and definitely people like Tortephant, thought we were "creating a rod for our own back".