AITA | Mumsnet

HonestHare · 2026-11-05T06:49:25+00:00

help.. been with partner 3 years partner hasn’t seen 1 child in these 3 years partner sees other child very regularly child 1s mother used my disabled child as an excuse to keep said child away. Said child was making up lies etc to the point I had to install cameras . I have watched partner be heartbroken and his other child heartbroken to the stage they doesn’t even mention him now. well this child has decided they now wants to come but I really don’t want them in my house partner said we need to keep my disabled child happy if the child is there ( not punishing giving whatever they like etc so they don’t get upset and kick off ) I am worried of the lies of the hurt my partner will feel again and most importantly I don’t want partners other child finding out getting excited and expect to see the child when it could all be ripped away again. i feel like the worst human because this is not my 1st nature this has been bugging me now for a week. why should everyone feel like crap again when child I mean child under 10 chooses and pleases and leave a trail of hurt and the mum says nothing? what would u do?

LeopardOnEverything · 05/11/2026 06:54

Your partner should see the child somewhere else.

Skybluecoat · 05/11/2026 06:55

Can you explain why your DP chose not to see his child outside of your house?

Arbourimage · 05/11/2026 06:58

I can’t believe you are blaming a 9 year old or younger on the fact that their father hasn’t seen them in 3 years!!
How on earth can you date a man who just abandons one of this children? Gross.

Original poster

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:15

Skybluecoat · 05/11/2026 06:55

Can you explain why your DP chose not to see his child outside of your house?

Said child said they didn’t want to see dad no other reason given. When dad tried take gifts the phone got ignored door got ignored. Even to his family members

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Original poster

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:20

He didn’t abonden his child. He tried the mother started ignoring phone calls from him and his family members.
went out for my child’s bday his child’s bday 3 days later was so excited to be coming with us and going out . Got ignored on the phone got ignored at door. Same birthday his family got ignored was so strange but yeah said child lies and says they don’t want to see dad . Im all for contact I drive 100 miles to accommodate my own child’s sperm donner seeing them no maintenance no regular contact but I try!

this is not a me or partner issue that this has happened. I really just don’t see why my child has to be kept happy so they don’t kick off my child is younger again also has severe learning difficulties can’t just ponder to there every move or keep them happy for a child visiting then the rest of the hard work of teaching rules they can’t have what they want goes out window

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Arbourimage · 05/11/2026 07:26

You don’t think it’s pretty telling that your partner hasn’t seen his son in 3 years and you have been together for 3 years?
Did he move in with you immediately?
You’re talking about a child who was max 6 years old and making it seem like he’s a narcissistic liar. This is an incredibly young child you’re talking about.
Why did his 6 year old have to see his father at your house with dad’s new GF and her child with additional needs?
Your BF sounds like he’s made no effort with his son, he’s just gone for whatever is easier for himself with no regard for how his son would feel or how it would affect their relationship.

Are you saying this started because you tried to celebrate his and your child’s birthday together 3 years ago?
Your posts are very hard to follow.

Passaggressfedup · 05/11/2026 07:28

He will want to see their dad, not you or your children. He needs to understand this and see his child independently. This is an absolute priority.

He's already failed to go to court to fight for contact. If he now can't see he's got a second chance and put it on top of the list, it says it all about the type of dad that he is.

Skybluecoat · 05/11/2026 07:41

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:20

He didn’t abonden his child. He tried the mother started ignoring phone calls from him and his family members.
went out for my child’s bday his child’s bday 3 days later was so excited to be coming with us and going out . Got ignored on the phone got ignored at door. Same birthday his family got ignored was so strange but yeah said child lies and says they don’t want to see dad . Im all for contact I drive 100 miles to accommodate my own child’s sperm donner seeing them no maintenance no regular contact but I try!

this is not a me or partner issue that this has happened. I really just don’t see why my child has to be kept happy so they don’t kick off my child is younger again also has severe learning difficulties can’t just ponder to there every move or keep them happy for a child visiting then the rest of the hard work of teaching rules they can’t have what they want goes out window

So your partner hasn’t made any consistent efforts to see his child without yours.

Original poster

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:44

Unfortunately after bills and maintenance there is no extra for lawyer fees .

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jeaux90 · 05/11/2026 07:56

So he didn’t bother trying to get a CAO in place. Nice.

Original poster

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:57

Care to tell me what that is? Can only have stuff if you know about it?

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Copperoliverbear · 05/11/2026 08:00

Ask him to see the child elsewhere I would not want nothing to do with them after lies and accusations I’d stay well away.

THisbackwithavengeance · 05/11/2026 08:00

You can’t realistically ban your own DP’s young DC from your house regardless of the rights and wrongs and endless fucking drama created by adults. Get a grip and stopping having DCs with feckless boyfriends, sperm donors and transient partners. That’s aimed at all the adults in this situation.

Arbourimage · 05/11/2026 08:01

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:57

Care to tell me what that is? Can only have stuff if you know about it?

I mean your partner could have done bare minimum research here, it sounds like he’s done literally nothing.
His 6 year old child didn’t want to only see him at your house with your son and his response was ‘oh well’ basically.

Gazelda · 05/11/2026 08:15

The obvious answer is for your DP to see the child outside of the home. Don’t tell the other children for the time being. Let him and the DC reestablish their relationship before involving the rest of your family.

and try to change your mindset about the child. He’s had a disrupted life and is very young.

FunAtParties · 05/11/2026 08:29

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:57

Care to tell me what that is? Can only have stuff if you know about it?

If you have Mumsnet, you have access to the internet. All the information and advice you need is literally at your finger tips.

These poor kids.

lovemewoollies · 05/11/2026 08:29

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:20

He didn’t abonden his child. He tried the mother started ignoring phone calls from him and his family members.
went out for my child’s bday his child’s bday 3 days later was so excited to be coming with us and going out . Got ignored on the phone got ignored at door. Same birthday his family got ignored was so strange but yeah said child lies and says they don’t want to see dad . Im all for contact I drive 100 miles to accommodate my own child’s sperm donner seeing them no maintenance no regular contact but I try!

this is not a me or partner issue that this has happened. I really just don’t see why my child has to be kept happy so they don’t kick off my child is younger again also has severe learning difficulties can’t just ponder to there every move or keep them happy for a child visiting then the rest of the hard work of teaching rules they can’t have what they want goes out window

Can’t you take your dc out for the day and leave your DP and his child to get on with it? You and your dc do not need to be involved.

Original poster

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 07:41

UPDATE*

Apparently said child was ill with a bug on the day they were to come . But would be ok the next day.. if it’s a bug u need to stay off school for they won’t be ok to be around others the following 🙈 .

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Original poster

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 07:44

lovemewoollies · 05/11/2026 08:29

Can’t you take your dc out for the day and leave your DP and his child to get on with it? You and your dc do not need to be involved.

Show quote history

Unfortunately I cannot take my child out myself they are 2-1 at all times and I had no1 to help .
the child ended up not coming anyway due to a bug.
im struggling so much on how to navigate all this. I have never encountered these issues before.

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Original poster

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 07:54

FunAtParties · 05/11/2026 08:29

If you have Mumsnet, you have access to the internet. All the information and advice you need is literally at your finger tips.

These poor kids.

Show quote history

Got to know what you’re looking for. Obviously we didn’t! And when a child is saying they don’t want to go and mum does nothing to encourage?

no poor kids all kids very happy loved and healthy. Sorry il rephrase that the one child who was hurt in all this I am trying to protect there feelings from more hurt and disappointment. When you have a child saying yes il come this day see you and my siblings but they then don’t mum doesn’t answer phone doesn’t answer door doesn’t answer the sibling ( child old enough for phone ) the mum will send a message to said child then when child asks to see sibling they are ignored! That’s the poor child heartbroken for there sibling . We tried and tried and got nowhere couldn’t use courts no fees for lawyers and didn’t know about the other thing some lady commented.
said child used to go to family every week for tea to there elderly family members that was stopped aswell.
said child used to come have the best time then when going home mum would instantly say aww iv been not well in bed all day child’s spirit instantly changed!
then the lies which were categorically proved as lies from there sibling speaking up. Was only after this that it stopped .
I do not want the child hurt again .
quite happy for partner to see his child elsewhere that is not a problem for me. The issue I have is the child lying or making up lies. Having to keep my child happy by giving what they want so they don’t have a meltdown ( autistic non verbal ) rules still apply! So I can’t just keep her happy. The older siblings being hurt again when said child chooses not too.

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Original poster

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 07:57

THisbackwithavengeance · 05/11/2026 08:00

You can’t realistically ban your own DP’s young DC from your house regardless of the rights and wrongs and endless fucking drama created by adults. Get a grip and stopping having DCs with feckless boyfriends, sperm donors and transient partners. That’s aimed at all the adults in this situation.

You missed one..

stop having children with people who will die 12 months later 💀.. that happened too 🙈 whole load of trauma in this house .
and I won’t have a child lie about mine when it’s not true
i will not have adults and children using my child as an excuse to not see the other parent
yes other child’s mum used my child as an excuse my seriously disabled child 🙈🤯

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Original poster

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 08:00

4 years together all in
3 years with children involved
birthdays days apart
was slowly introduced because my child’s needs. Everything was ok at first.

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Postjurywoes · 08/11/2026 08:05

So your partner has two children with two different mothers and now living with a third.?
Am I reading that right?

PollyBell · 08/11/2026 08:08

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 08:00

4 years together all in
3 years with children involved
birthdays days apart
was slowly introduced because my child’s needs. Everything was ok at first.

Doesn't he or someone have a 3 year old so you got together when someones child was born?

Original poster

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 08:10

No children are all older than 3 .
would never choose a man who’s just had a baby . There side of the bed ain’t cold and that man is going home eventually

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