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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AITA

76 replies

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 06:49

help..

been with partner 3 years
partner hasn’t seen 1 child in these 3 years
partner sees other child very regularly
child 1s mother used my disabled child as an excuse to keep said child away. Said child was making up lies etc to the point I had to install cameras .
I have watched partner be heartbroken and his other child heartbroken to the stage they doesn’t even mention him now.

well this child has decided they now wants to come but I really don’t want them in my house partner said we need to keep my disabled child happy if the child is there ( not punishing giving whatever they like etc so they don’t get upset and kick off ) I am worried of the lies of the hurt my partner will feel again and most importantly I don’t want partners other child finding out getting excited and expect to see the child when it could all be ripped away again.

i feel like the worst human because this is not my 1st nature this has been bugging me now for a week.

why should everyone feel like crap again when child I mean child under 10 chooses and pleases and leave a trail of hurt and the mum says nothing?

what would u do?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
lovemewoollies · 08/11/2026 19:59

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 17:02

I would arrange helpers when is convenient to them . If he left I would be entitled to more help and carers for my child 🙈 unfortunately I’m not entitled to any aslong as he is here he is expected to help disability social work team have stated . Said child’s dad has passed away and no family support from that side

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Okay. So he has to help you. Then help him back. Keep your dc away from his dc when they are visiting.

FTHC · 08/11/2026 17:48

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 16:30

Did I say that? . deary me please read properly..

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I've tried... I'm lost tbh🤷🏿‍♀️

Bananacrepewithnuts · 08/11/2026 17:05

LeopardOnEverything · 05/11/2026 06:54

Your partner should see the child somewhere else.

This.

Especially as they haven't seen eachother for 3 years.

A little outing just for them to start to rebuild their relationship.
Nothing to do with you or your child at this stage and I mean that with kindness.
After all this time you need to play the long game.

Hope they can get their relationship back in track. X

Original poster
HonestHare · 08/11/2026 17:02

lovemewoollies · 08/11/2026 16:38

So if your partner were to leave you, you’d never be able to take your dc out because you have no one to help?

So you need your partner to help you with your dc but are reluctant to keep your dc happy and away from his child should they now wish to come over to see their father?

This is very one-sided.

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I would arrange helpers when is convenient to them . If he left I would be entitled to more help and carers for my child 🙈 unfortunately I’m not entitled to any aslong as he is here he is expected to help disability social work team have stated . Said child’s dad has passed away and no family support from that side

OP posts:
MsPrufrockk · 08/11/2026 16:51

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 10:46

When he mentioned lawyers before whilst on phone she said to child whilst still on phone your dad is taking you to court! Said child sounded so confused!
then after maintenance and bills there is no money to pay legal fees..
he pays stupid maintenance for the child
he pays for his other child then extras as needed
we have our house bills to pay alongside the other kids
we just get buy..
we had no idea about anything else until a rude lady on here told me.. no advice though no explanation just like yourself just rude condescending comments.

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The child is a child, so allowed to be confused. The adults in this equation all sound as thick as pig shit.

MsPrufrockk · 08/11/2026 16:47

HonestHare · 05/11/2026 07:57

Care to tell me what that is? Can only have stuff if you know about it?

Absolutely disgusting that he hasn't done even the most cursory bit of research into seeing his child. And disgusting that you seem to think this is ok.

lovemewoollies · 08/11/2026 16:38

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 07:44

Unfortunately I cannot take my child out myself they are 2-1 at all times and I had no1 to help .
the child ended up not coming anyway due to a bug.
im struggling so much on how to navigate all this. I have never encountered these issues before.

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So if your partner were to leave you, you’d never be able to take your dc out because you have no one to help?

So you need your partner to help you with your dc but are reluctant to keep your dc happy and away from his child should they now wish to come over to see their father?

This is very one-sided.

Original poster
HonestHare · 08/11/2026 16:32

Sidebeforeself · 08/11/2026 15:41

So what do you want from this thread? Sharing details of your lives means inevitably people will make comments that you dont agree with. People have offered advice, asked questions for clarification etc. All perfectly normal on here.But you seem to not want to listen to any of it. And legal advice is the best option but its not the poster’s who suggested it fault that you cant afford it.

Easy to share information if they choose to instead of just sarky remarks but actually helping and giving a reasonable response is too much..

some people just like to try bring others down unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
HonestHare · 08/11/2026 16:30

SleepZealot · 08/11/2026 15:41

So you don’t have space for your husband’s child to stay overnight?! That’s awful.

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Did I say that? . deary me please read properly..

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 08/11/2026 15:41

So what do you want from this thread? Sharing details of your lives means inevitably people will make comments that you dont agree with. People have offered advice, asked questions for clarification etc. All perfectly normal on here.But you seem to not want to listen to any of it. And legal advice is the best option but its not the poster’s who suggested it fault that you cant afford it.

SleepZealot · 08/11/2026 15:41

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 15:16

How do you know I don’t need that many rooms? Because I failed to mention children that are not relevant to this issue? Or failed to mention that none of the children can share a room .
disability’s ages genders are all a factor in this.
for all you know we could be living here rent and mortgage free with other bills to pay don’t pass judgment on the living situation
because if said child was made to share a bedroom with a child with needs I am sure that the people in here would have something to say about that aswell

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So you don’t have space for your husband’s child to stay overnight?! That’s awful.

Original poster
HonestHare · 08/11/2026 15:16

SleepZealot · 08/11/2026 14:04

Why not downsize from the 6 bedroom mansion given you don’t need that many rooms, and use the spare money for a lawyer?

How do you know I don’t need that many rooms? Because I failed to mention children that are not relevant to this issue? Or failed to mention that none of the children can share a room .
disability’s ages genders are all a factor in this.
for all you know we could be living here rent and mortgage free with other bills to pay don’t pass judgment on the living situation
because if said child was made to share a bedroom with a child with needs I am sure that the people in here would have something to say about that aswell

OP posts:
SleepZealot · 08/11/2026 14:04

Why not downsize from the 6 bedroom mansion given you don’t need that many rooms, and use the spare money for a lawyer?

Original poster
HonestHare · 08/11/2026 13:33

Arbourimage · 08/11/2026 13:23

“It is what it is” is a complete cope out though.
Literally all the information is widely available to your partner if he wanted to apply for split custody. The fact that he just puts his hands up and makes it seem like there’s nothing he can do says a lot about how much he values his relationship with his child.

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You need to know what to search and everything comes up with lawyers so don’t tell me we haven’t looked haven’t tried etc .
after this long he believes there is no bond there he knows he has to work up to gain this bond again.
this isn’t one parents doing either .
also court orders mean nothing! Police don’t get involved mums don’t get punished for not sending the child .
Brother in law wasted 15k in savings over 3 years fighting in court got access over nights Xmas visits etc mum said no when he turned up judge did nothing. Brother in law has no money to continue fighting her. So please don’t say courts are the way forward, also did you read the part that stated she told the child dad was taking the child to court 🤯. Why would he want his child believing his dad is taking him to court when that’s not true?
my question was how to navigate this child wanting to visit and keeping my child happy whilst they are here also how to navigate the hurt of the sibling again? When the child chooses not to come again in a few weeks when they can’t have unlimited snacks. My favourite was the time they asked for a burger for breakfast and crisps and chocolate for supper. There is rules here which said child doesn’t like either . No sweets before dinner hungry have a piece of fruit whilst waiting dinner is 4pm sharp daily not like children are waiting until 6pm for dinner . There’s so much I haven’t wrote

OP posts:
Arbourimage · 08/11/2026 13:23

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 13:17

Would be very easy for people here to offer advice instead of being sarky but yeah it is what it is

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“It is what it is” is a complete cope out though.
Literally all the information is widely available to your partner if he wanted to apply for split custody. The fact that he just puts his hands up and makes it seem like there’s nothing he can do says a lot about how much he values his relationship with his child.

Original poster
HonestHare · 08/11/2026 13:17

Arbourimage · 08/11/2026 13:07

It would be very easy for your partner to google the steps to gaining shared custody of his child if he really wanted to.

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Would be very easy for people here to offer advice instead of being sarky but yeah it is what it is

OP posts:
Arbourimage · 08/11/2026 13:07

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 11:45

Like previously said could you tell me how to get to court without a lawyer that would help my partner. Not judgement!.
if he was walking away from children willingly then he would have walked away from all his children.
no issues in this home apart from a severely disabled child. We have routine fairness own bedrooms and stability.
schools cannot praise the parenting enough!
at home there is mums illness mums in bed mostly goes to the grans gran does all appointments and schools.

It would be very easy for your partner to google the steps to gaining shared custody of his child if he really wanted to.

Original poster
HonestHare · 08/11/2026 11:45

Like previously said could you tell me how to get to court without a lawyer that would help my partner. Not judgement!.
if he was walking away from children willingly then he would have walked away from all his children.
no issues in this home apart from a severely disabled child. We have routine fairness own bedrooms and stability.
schools cannot praise the parenting enough!
at home there is mums illness mums in bed mostly goes to the grans gran does all appointments and schools.

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 08/11/2026 11:00

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 10:46

When he mentioned lawyers before whilst on phone she said to child whilst still on phone your dad is taking you to court! Said child sounded so confused!
then after maintenance and bills there is no money to pay legal fees..
he pays stupid maintenance for the child
he pays for his other child then extras as needed
we have our house bills to pay alongside the other kids
we just get buy..
we had no idea about anything else until a rude lady on here told me.. no advice though no explanation just like yourself just rude condescending comments.

Show quote history

The point everyone is trying to make is it doesn't sound like he did a lot of fighting for his child...he didn't explore options other than threatening court and then not doing anything because he couldn't afford it.

If someone prevented me and my wider family from having contact with my young child for 3 years, no way would I accept that I couldn't afford court and leave it at that.

No child suddenly wants to stop having contact with a parent if things are all going well and stable. So there either was issues or worries relating to dads house, that the child struggled to properly articulate, hence the lies, or the mum has prevented contact with not only childs father, but wider family, which is very concerning and dad just sat back and enabled the contact to all stop for 3 whole years.

Original poster
HonestHare · 08/11/2026 10:46

throwawayimplantchat · 08/11/2026 09:59

When you say he’s ‘tried’ do you mean he’s just tried to contact the mum?

Because if my child was being withheld from me, let alone that AND being withheld from the wider family, I would be contacting authorities and be beside myself frantically making as much of a fuss as possible to have the child checked on and rebuild the relationship.
What has your partner actually done to try to get help for his child?

Show quote history

When he mentioned lawyers before whilst on phone she said to child whilst still on phone your dad is taking you to court! Said child sounded so confused!
then after maintenance and bills there is no money to pay legal fees..
he pays stupid maintenance for the child
he pays for his other child then extras as needed
we have our house bills to pay alongside the other kids
we just get buy..
we had no idea about anything else until a rude lady on here told me.. no advice though no explanation just like yourself just rude condescending comments.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 08/11/2026 10:28

So much drip-feeding I need an umbrella.

This is one of those were I wish they had used AI. The writing style makes it almost impossible to work out what is going on.

throwawayimplantchat · 08/11/2026 09:59

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 09:38

These questions have been raised before.
especially the isolation of wider family which nobody understands why either when there was a weekly tea for said child to spend time with great gran parents.
but once said child was going home saying they had fun they did x y and z there was problems and contact was stopped.
was so frustrating and horrible for the child . Went out for my child’s bday other child had best time wanted to go out for tea then play activities for there bday it was arranged the day came mum wouldn’t answer phone or door to let child come and didn’t get to see them since. ( there birthdays are a few days apart) the child must have felt terrible so confused and left out which wasn’t the case at all I was gutted to be letting a child down and gutted for the child.
partner has tried his family have tried

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When you say he’s ‘tried’ do you mean he’s just tried to contact the mum?

Because if my child was being withheld from me, let alone that AND being withheld from the wider family, I would be contacting authorities and be beside myself frantically making as much of a fuss as possible to have the child checked on and rebuild the relationship.
What has your partner actually done to try to get help for his child?

Arbourimage · 08/11/2026 09:41

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 09:29

Was on his own for over a year before we became a thing he stayed his house I stayed mine for a year so all in 2 and half years before we moved in 😏. Contact was all fine then for 6 months after we moved in all fine then it all switched up .
don’t try be a smarty pants I’m not some young silly girl 🙈

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But none of your numbers add up, your op you have been together 3 years and he hasn’t seen his child for 3, then you were together for 4 living for 3, now you were together for 2.5 years before he moved in 3 years ago.

Your partner is even worse if he suspects there are issues his ex is concealing by isolating their child and he hasn’t done a single thing about it.

Postjurywoes · 08/11/2026 09:40

HonestHare · 08/11/2026 09:29

Was on his own for over a year before we became a thing he stayed his house I stayed mine for a year so all in 2 and half years before we moved in 😏. Contact was all fine then for 6 months after we moved in all fine then it all switched up .
don’t try be a smarty pants I’m not some young silly girl 🙈

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Not trying to be a smarty pants....of course you're not a young silly girl.

You've bagged yourself a winner here, no matter how old you are.