It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

Was this while you were still away? Was anyone in the house at the time?
How awful... I'm so sorry OP.

Oh no! Where was your daughter when they came back the next night? How did you realise that this happened. I hope she’s ok. I know she’s done wrong, but I’m sure she never expected it to end up this badly.

This is a whole other level, isn't it? Not just in the heat of a party, but planning a crime.
What have the police said?

Oh gosh, I feel for you, and now I also feel more concerned for your daughter than I was. She must be devastated and wracked with guilt. That's a lot for a 15 year old to handle.

OP this is so awful, I'm so sorry.
I'm a jeweller - if you have any photos or details of jewellery, contact both local jewellers directly and the police ASAP in case they are taken somewhere to sell. Tell the police about SaferGems - it's a collaboration between police and commercial jewellery insurers, they cascade info of stolen jewellery to all their members (including me) in case anything is brought for sale.

The daughter should be putting in all the effort she can by visiting pawn brokers and seeing if she can get anything back. It was all her fault in the first place and has been a devastating loss for her Mum and brother. I am sure she realises she is never to be so stupid in her life ever again. What is it with teenagers at the moment. They are so selfish and think only of themselves. Words would not explain how furious I would be if I was her mother.

God what’s wrong with posters. Yes she did a stupid thing, she’s paid, you’re posting like you want her whipped. Thay her suffering isn’t enough for you, you’re wanting more.

How has the daughter “paid”?

There’s not a great deal of evidence of her suffering either.

Yes I agree with you, what happened was never her intention. She will be distraught.

Wow, you really do want her to suffer don’t you.

I am sorry this has happened. The only way that this young woman can be parented through her teenage years is if you and your ex can pull together over discipline and consequences. I know it is hard but it is vital - she will play you off one against the other from hereon in if this does not get sorted. It will be bad for her and bad for you.

Can you sit down with your ex and get some ground rules established.

At the moment it sounds as though she just has to winge a bit and Dad caves in.

Wrecking your house demands a major sanction to which both of you must agree.

However, to be fair, I remember having a teenage party and my brother and I were powerless to deal with the gatecrashers. She should not have had the party in the first place of course, but I can understand how she might have felt overwhelmed by the gatecrashers - if she had not drunk so much she might have been able to send for help.

She certainly needs sanctions for all this.

How does my post suggest this?

Another MN who jumps in with only half the information of what I was stating.

I replied to this statement by a contributor.

Wow a lot of replies on here seem to be advocating for physical child abuse I would have felt everything you've felt OP, but it sounds like she's genuinely remorseful. I wouldn't have done something like this at 15 but I definitely did a lot of other very stupid irresponsible things that only didn't end up this way because they didn't get out of hand and I wasn't found out.

My reply.
Physical child abuse.
Who advocated that?
You said a lot of posters are advocating this.
I say name them and shame them then.
Whoops! you can't because there aren't any.
Are there?

So as you can see I was not and never will condone physical abuse, I was actually trying to defend all contributors on MN who were being maligned and put in the majority category by this Poster.

Personally I think it is right to use sanctions. If not how is the twerp going to learn how stupid she has been. Some suggested she finds some work but sadly if there are jobs at all the places are going to want the best they will not want such an irresponsible youngster.

She hasn't actually paid anything to her Mum. She has done a bit of tidying. That is good to hear. It was her fault and on top of that the people at the party have robbed the mother and brother. I think the little madam needs to put in much more of an effort in getting the jewellery back etc.

Any progress from the police, @IllBiteYourLegsOff?

OMFG. Just read your last reply

so they popped back the next night and stole a load of stuff 🙀

what does daughter think of that

I am so sorry. How absolutely devastating.

Your daughter was incredibly foolish but I think even a mature adult may have struggled to predict someone stealing a key and coming back to burgle the house

...packing her off to her Dad's for the foreseeable future (one, I believe, even said forever: "one less mouth to feed"). Nope, nothing abusive there!

It was me who said that and yeh you're right there's nothing abusive at all about a child being housed by their other parent permanently and eating there!

When she's 18 she can move out and live where she wants. You make it sound like she'd be prisoner! Ridiculous.

She can't be trusted, has no respect for her mother and brother, the older she gets the more she'll feel entitled to freedom to do as she pleases, so more likely to disobey house rules. Time for her to move out and live with her father, the parent who condones the behaviour and doesn't back up the mother in grounding punishment.

I don't believe it's really possible to bring about genuine lasting changes in someone when someone else is undermining you all the time. DD has already cost OP and her brother so much both financially and in terms of feeling safe in their own home. Why should DD cost her more in continuing to keep her and in constant worries about what she'll do next or who she'll let into the house etc.

You don't have to agree with my opinion but if you think I'm going to sit back whilst you call it child abuse you can think again!

Well it was one of the first things that occurred to me, so obvious they could have stolen a key I didn't even bother to mention it. I guess I should have done if there's people like you in this world that it wouldn't occur to. Sorry OP.

So?! Not half as distraught as the other people living in the house who had no part in this and suffered solely due to her actions. Her feelings aren't the priority.

I actually think that she may well be more distraught than everyone else. Because the weight of the result of her actions and the guilt will be massive.

If I was a her mum I'd be very worried about her at this point.

You don't have to agree with my opinion but if you think I'm going to sit back whilst you call it child abuse you can think again!

Try to justify it all you like, but kicking your 15yo out of the house and telling her never to come back is child abuse.

My point is the daughter hadn't thought on about likely results. She did not have enough knowledge to think hiding a spare key is a good idea. She invited all sorts of people and let all sorts in the house. Now she has to face the consequences .If her Mum decides she is to live at her Dad's then that is what needs to happen.

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrendous situation.