It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

I had what my parents at the time called an out of control party when I was 14.
My parents left me at home for 2 nights I think it was. A handful of dvds and a walkman were stolen. No damage to the house or furniture and there were less than ten people. My parents found out because the front gate got stuck and people couldn't leave so the fire brigade were called and had to get permission from my parents to remove the gate. I was banned from doing anything for about a month, banned from watching the TV seeing friends etc. I remember having to sit in my room for weeks on end in total silence reflecting on what I had done. I felt terrible and I'm sure your daughter does too. Maybe you could insist she gets a part time job to pay for some of the damage? She should be doing everything she can to help clean up also.

They will just say yes though! Find my friend on iphone you csn look be reassured and dont need to message. I check older DD middle of night if wake up and reassuring. We all have each others locations,

The problem might well be not many places are employing youngsters as used to happen. I got a job at 16 filling the shelves at a supermarket when I was 16. I got used to saving money and making decisions of buying what I wanted.

Op said she had paid a cleaner. My comment is pretty clear that her dd should pay op back for that before continuing with the rest of the cleaning herself.

These threads are so dull when the original poster just drops and doesn’t come back after a day

You sound a lovely mum and your daughter didn’t realise at all imo what devastation would occur, it’s certainly a lesson learnt.

OP has posted 14 times including an update at the end of the day. Did you want her to invent a bit of ongoing excitement for you?

I'm really sorry to hear about all the things coming together in the same month. No, YANBU to feel so low and not to want to open the door to more conflict and ruptures. I can see that it's not as straightforward as just leaning in to being angry and devising payback.

It sounds as if the bombshell was discovering the house but the next aftershocks are going to be the points where you and your DC have to be back together and back to term time 'normality' quite soon, with feelings and memories as they are.

The thing that I think will be important, and need really firm and non-avoidant discussion, is the issue of how your 'D' D can demonstrate trustworthiness, and this will be again and again in small doses until you feel some confidence in it, which isn't on a timescale anyone can know at this stage. I can imagine if I tried to discuss this with my teenager, there would be a pushback of dramatic "Oh, you'll never trust me so what's the point?" and real avoidance and not talking, so it will be a difficult area.

I don't know how these steps would go, but I am thinking that the immediate reaction should be to fully prioritise and engage with the house disrespect and damage (and a kind of grounding during that time), whether you feel bad, or want to forget it, or non, and then to be able to have suitable opportunities to regain trustworthiness, but on a scale where any party scene will be at the very distant end of that scale. As others have said, be very clear that you will monitor, because at the moment, you cannot trust her. It was one huge night of trust destruction. Good results or buckling down to great things in one area (GCSE work) does not cancel out sly and frankly dangerous behaviour in another, that she seems not to be able to control. She should get that quite easily but spell it out.

As you've said, part 1 has already been sabotaged by the 'Out with friends, nothing to see' from your ex. You need to talk about this with your 'D' D and with him, I think. That the damage that you will have to live with and recover from while still pulling parental weight towards her was not something that exploded under his roof - even though she herself was under his roof and lied to him as well. This is another angle that sticks 2 fingers up at you from him, really.

Really sorry. And hope that the initial return to the house has not gone too badly.

...and was also collecting at least 2 children having arrived back at midnight, and had said in a post that she wanted to spend some time with the ones that were not responsible for trashing her property but who were probably in the firing line of the conversations to have when they were home. Quite reasonable.

I don't suppose keeping you excited is her priority right now. 🙄

Is it not normal for teens to have a key to both homes if they have separated parents? Oldest DSD has a key to our house, we don’t take it off her every time she goes to her mum’s so it’s just on a keychain with her other keys.

I am really surprised by the number of posts on here blaming the dad. My parents would never have checked with another set of parents that I was where I said I was at 15- I don’t even think they had their numbers! It would have been a text to me to check I’d arrived safely if I’d walked or got the bus, and then that would have been it. Maybe it is the norm now, though 🤔

My parents would never have checked with another set of parents that I was where I said I was at 15-

You would trust, until you don't. When everyone comes out of it unscathed, without police being required to return the 15 year old to their parent, and no ££s of damage to a place where the 15 year old and 'guests' would not be expected to be unsupervised. After that, would you be content to believe them?

She expected to get away with it and for no parent to be any the wiser. This was a major overestimation.

Don't give her a free pass. If she old enough to organise a party, lie about where she will be overnight.( Very,very dangerous btw. Think how much worse that lie could have turned out for her if a couple of those 'randomers' had turned on her) She is old enough to get her backside into gear and make ammends. Your home has been violated and her DB has suffered the loss of his prized medals. You DD has had a reality check. Get her cleaning, saving, maybe selling some of her tech to help pay for repairs. Otherwise I would be telling her to expect very little for Christmas. It goes without saying she has no more parties until you sanction one and It wont be in your family home! Good luck!

All good positive advice OP and I'm so glad your ex isn't shirking his responsibilities, but....

And there is a big "but".

Your daughter was his responsibility while you were away, and he is the one who should bear all the costs to put this right, and then it should be up to him (with your input) to discipline his daughter regarding how much she pays and what she has to do to make amends,
In particular the financial loss to all this, should be his to put right, and not yours.

I'm sorry but this is absolutely disgusting behaviour and shows absolutely no respect to you, your home and your personal belongings. My parents split when I was 13/14 and I would never have dreamt of doing this to my family home. There is no excuse for this behaviour. If my daughter did this she wouldn't be going out, having her phone or anything spent on her until all damages were paid for.

Of course it's neglect🙄.
Her father was responsible for her while her mother was away, and didn't bother his arse to check she was going where she was going.

Im so sorry this happened. Many moons ago i was that teenager (tho a little older - maybe 17). I was arranging a party whilst my parents were away with my younger brother. I had a CB radio and word got out. The party was advertised on the radio. Hoards of people turned up but I saw them coming and got scared and locked up the house and hid. Point being that teenagers are not really understanding of consequences and how things can escallate out of control (even before social media). I tried again to arrange a party but more low key this time. Even when low key word got out and friends brought along friends. The house was not trashed but there was damage - some friends stayed to help me repair or hide the damage. We did a good job. I almost got away with it. But my mum immediately noticed something I missed - the answering machine was missing aka stolen. I confessed to having a few friends over. I was apologetic and tried to get it back but never did. The broken kitchen light that had been glued back up and fell down a few months later - no one connected it to the party. I did learn and was far more cautious in future. I did not do it again. I grew into a responsible adult.

My misadventure is not on the scale of your daughters but my advice would be keep up with the consequences. I agree that she should be funding repairs and replacements from her own money for the next year - its a big consequence but the damage is large so it is fitting. Your daughter sounds regretful and will learn from it. It is good that she learns the consequences. Im so sorry that its come at such a bad time for you.

Of course it's neglect and yes he should check, she's only just turned 15. My parents verified where I stayed and I do for my kids, it's called making sure your kids are where they say they are staying and they are safe. Anything could have happened to her at 15 and that intoxicated she could have been drugged, she could have choked anything. Be more responsible

Id be livid.

Phone would be gone, grounded and no pocket money until all the damage was paid for.

Id be heartbroken if my dd had done this to my home.

Wow a lot of replies on here seem to be advocating for physical child abuse.

I would have felt everything you've felt OP, but it sounds like she's genuinely remorseful. I wouldn't have done something like this at 15 but I definitely did a lot of other very stupid irresponsible things that only didn't end up this way because they didn't get out of hand and I wasn't found out.

There’s a pretty high bar for “neglect” and not asking for verifiable proof of location every time a 15 year old leaves the house is nowhere near.

Yes, dad bears some responsibility but to call him neglectful is overstating.

Id be absolutely angry and hurt beyond belief I wouldn't beable to look at her..how dare her father let go of grounding that's how she has got into this mess in the first place because he is lax and hasn't checked up on her he sounds like a waste of space biy its not his home thats been trashed..
Consequences does she get an allowance it stops until enough can be paid towards damage and grounded while with you without a doubt .
Hope you're ok big hugs x

Physical child abuse.

Who advocated that?
You said a lot of posters are advocating this.
I say name them and shame them then.

Whoops! you can't because there aren't any.
Are there?

I cba going through all 22 pages again but just two I can find quickly-

“I would smash her phone up unless it can be sold to offset the costs.”

“I would be tempted to belt her one in all honestly and at least she’d learn quickly that way.”

Smashing her phone up although extreme is not physical abuse, and I suspect it was a clumsy attempt written to OP as a form of non physical punishment to teach her values.

“I would be tempted to belt her one in all honestly and at least she’d learn quickly that way.” I have to agree that sounds like advocating physical child abuse.
However the words "I would be tempted" surely nullifies the fact that she is advocating it, or the wording would be something like
"Why don't you belt her one in all honestly and at least she’d learn quickly that way.”

But my point was that the vast majority gave OP decent advice and were very sympathetic and your statement "Wow a lot of replies on here seem to be advocating for physical child abuse." just isn't true.