It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

He shouldn't need to check. And of course it isn't neglect.

Good luck with the medals!

Of course he should have checked: the daughter is only 15.

Well now they know she lies then yes they should check but presumably she didnt have form. Do you automatically assume your children lie to you?

Whether or not she had form is immaterial. It's the parent's job to ensure that his child is safe.

Even if the daughter had told the truth, I would have expected the father to check that his daughter had arrived at the sleepover safely.

Or even better, arrested for theft.

I really hope the medals come back.

I also think you've done well to show how much this has impacted without just losing it and getting really shouty.

I hope she bounces back wiser.

This is bad!

Awful to come back to, so sorry OP.

She shouldn’t be going out, she needs firmer boundaries and to earn back trust - plus she is only 15 not 18.

Work out total damages and a payment plan for her to cover these.

When my daughters were at the end of year 10, it didn't occur to me to check with the parents. We knew their friends and most of the parents and we trusted our kids, (as did they, because I never once had a call from any of the parents when the sleepover was here).
Nor did I check that they got to a sleepover venue. Though I might have given them a lift occasionally.

Apparently I was doubly neglectful.

All I can say is that even with known parents I'd be checking that my child had arrived safely - not because of mistrust of the child, but because of concern that the world isn't what it should be.

Let dd stay with dad for some time now. Let him deal with the consequences of his daughter’s actions and you focus on building your income and taking a breather from the extra stress you can’t deal with at this point in your life. Your dd should get serious consequences.
Doesn’t sound like she feels guilty.

Would that not usually be done by calling or texting your teenager though?

Your children must be better behaved. Clearly this 15 years old is not. Doesn’t matter how she was before. This situation would not have happened if father knew where the daughter was, and even if he couldn’t ensure that. Given that op has to bear a lot of financial and mental set back, he is not supporting her. To be honest, this was done by dd while she was under his watch. He should pay for repair, cleaning and replacing of stolen items. But useless father is spoiling the daughter by letting her off hook without any consequences.

Honestly? That’s the very last party she will ever have in the house. Never again can she be trusted. The damage to yours and DS belongings is significant. Mine did this - on a very small scale - and I was in the house but that was it. Never again. You need to add up the monetary value and see what it totals. Then she needs to get a job and start paying it back . Or start doing the cleaning. Shes lied about where she was and got so drunk that there could have been more serious consequences.

Doesn’t sound like. She is already out with her friends. Why should she when there are no consequences for her? Looks like father is spoiling his daughter.

It’s 100% her fault. Don’t spoil the kids by not holding them responsible for their actions.

She doesn’t have to pay the cleaner. She should act like a cleaner and do the job. She can pay for the loss items and damages then.

She’s got to own this herself (and it doesn’t seem like she’s going that). I’d be inclined to ask her to go to her dads and you tell her you are deeply hurt that your home was damaged and that her lack of care on cleaning/repairs and finding her brothers medals has been a shock. I think a statement of honesty and impact might be the only thing that can shock her into an appropriate response. (And her dad sounds useless, so you are going to have to lead the punishment alone)

As teenagers, we all do stupid stuff. I’m incredibly easy going usually but this is a big thing, a big breach of safety and trust. If she was determined to make it right, I’d be saying go easy on her - this is a big opportunity for learning etc. But bloody hell. She hardly seems bothered, it’s time to teach her the consequences of her actions. I’m not saying guilt her, or make her think she’s not loved, but absolutely let her know how much she’s broken trust.

I'd always advocate speaking to the responsible adult as well (unless you've dropped off your child yourself).

We had friends who trusted their daughter. She was a lovely girl and grew up to be a fine woman. However, even the most trustworthy youngsters can make a mistake, and she and a couple of her friends suffered terrible trauma as a result.

Each set of parents thought that their daughter was staying over at another girl's house - they'd done that many times before. In actual fact, they went to a party at someone else's house. This was in the days before everyone had a mobile phone, but receiving a text or a call from their daughter would have made no difference to what happened unless she'd had the capacity to ask for help.

They lived in a well-to-do area, and none of the parents had any reason to believe that their daughters were in danger.

It was a good while before what had actually happened became known. (The girl finally broke down and disclosed what had happened.) Grampian Police (no longer in existence) were contacted and were less than helpful. When the girl's father asked did they not at least intend to arrest the young man who had given the girls drugs, the reply was that they were only interested in the 'big fish'.

Maybe things would be different nowadays and the police would have passed the details to the Procurator Fiscal, but the daughter couldn't even identify the teenage boys who had abused her because of the drugs she had been given - although she was fairly certain that they attended her school - and there was no hope of finding forensic evidence at that stage.

Our friends trusted their daughter. The OP's ex obviously trusted his daughter. That's how these things happen: it only takes one slip.

So yes, knowing what happened to our friend's daughter, I'd alway err on the side of caution and check that there had been a safe arrival. (I acknowledge that it would in theory be possible for someone to leave without being noticed, however.)

The OP has said that she never had any reason to mistrust her daughter before. I believe that. Given what the OP has said about her daughter being drunk, her daughter has had a lucky escape. It's not just whether you can trust your child - it's whether you can trust the rest of the world.

I get that you cannot wrap your children up in cottonwool, but 15 is a terribly vulnerable age - you think you're grown up, but you're still very naive.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry. I wish I had more helpful advice but it sounds like an absolute shit run of luck.

At 15 I'd come down hard on her. She doesn't even seem sorry and her dad doesn't care how she is, so he's going to continue undermining you every step of the way.

Assuming she has no savings to pay for damages (or none that she'll give you), I'd take everything in her room and sell it online, including furniture, all personal possessions and clothes etc then use the money to pay for cleaning inside, window cleaning outside and any broken windows boarded. I doubt there'll be any money left over from that but if there is it goes towards replacing ruined carpets, broken furniture, redecorating etc.

'D'D could go live at her dad's, since he's ok with all this. He can sort her out with clothes and a new phone etc. Sure you'll have to pay child support, but at the moment you have no job so who cares it'll be either nothing or a token amount if you're claiming benefits, and it's only for another 3 years anyway. It'll be one less mouth to feed and one less school uniform to buy. I imagine you can easily just not pay child support for whole blocks of time anyway if you start working and are struggling on a low wage, since many men do exactly that and nothing seems to be done about it.

If she wants to live with you she needs to understand she has to earn her way back in, starting with using any money she has to try to make amends for the jewellery and medals you and DS had stolen from you because of her, along with a sincere apology. I can't believe she didn't even clean up. There should have been no egg anywhere inside the house because ladders and cleaning supplies are a thing, broken glass could have been dealt with too both inside and out. Her actions tell you she really doesn't care at all. YANBU to feel devastated, especially on top of everything else you're going through.

That’s a different scenario. In this case they are separated and father is paid back in his parenting approach and has already allowed daughter to go out with her friends when mother grounded her. So it’s better father also deals with some of daughter’s behaviours so that in future they are on board with disciplining daughter.

Jesus Christ. If my DD had done this I think I'd have grounded her until she was 18!

Her father also needs to pay for a lot of this damage and stolen items too as he just let her go to someone’s house without checking and also how the hell did she get into your house??? Why did she or he have a key if they weren’t there?

I’m sorry but I’d be packing her bags. Daddy also needs to feel the consequences here. Did he think to question where she was staying, who with?
he’s as much to blame here and the pair of them should have got this sorted while you were away!
there’s no way this would be forgiven or let go anytime soon.
ive been the one to have a party and know how devastating it can be all round.
tgey need to see what they’ve done and he needs to see that his actions have also caused this.
be angry and stay angry don’t let her home until it’s put right, if he says he can’t have her then tough, deal with it!
tough love is needed here!