It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

It's great that she is contrite.
I did something a bit similar as a teen, and looking back I don't think I showed enough remorse..... that was only because I was so embarrassed.

I know we get all sorts on Mumsnet and not everyone parents in the same way that I do, but I'm really stunned by the calls for physical abuse on this thread. All this talk of 'battering' her and 'smashing her arse' - fucking shameful. It's so much nastier than anything the OP's daughter has done.

What a gang of little shits. Your daughter already made the bad decision so I won’t repeat others.
But egging a house inside and out?
Stealing precious medals?
Letting off a fire extinguisher?
I should imagine your kids live in a lovely home, good upbringing, bright, good schools?
I know some of the kids in Middlesbrough are running amok in a far serious way but reading about the levels of deprivation, poor schooling, school issues, lack of role models…
I don’t get why seemingly well brought up kids do this but I suppose at the end you have the little old school ‘cliques’ at top universities who go on the rampage.
My sister had a party when I was away with my parents and this is four decades ago - she was allowed to stay at home as she had a summer job.
The damage was nowhere near as bad but it took a few days of pretend cleaning up and a few neighbours turning up with power tools.
But there’s a huge difference between a bit of meds and absolute mess and destruction.
Hopefully the decent parents about will help?

So very sorry you lost your beloved dog and co tractor car etc.sorry your daughter did this,big hugs xxxx

Contract :(

Been there. Mine was at her nan's but got a key cut and was also supposed to be at a sleepover.
My daughter was also sexualy assaulted. My husbands car stolen and burnt out. Had to redecorate all the downstairs and buy a new bed, someone pissed it. Police had been called but didn't attend as there was "big match on.
Grounded for a month.
Tbh she's 38 and mentally still paying for it, for obvious reasons.

I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

Dad is also responsible as you were away and he was responsible adult..he should have known where she was and what she was up to..he needs to start parenting properly -
has he offered to help repair / fix damage..

It is her father's fault. He was in charge of a child... seriously neglectful parenting. Surely he can be charged with something along those lines? Poor you...that is so grim. It happened to me too, but my son was 17. x Love and best wishes.

She would be working every last bit of paying off all cleaning and damages (and putting in the graft to put anything right she could conceivably do herself). She would also be giving me back all keys to the house until she could be trusted with them. As for the loss of precious items, loss of her phone should cover that. I would not be going light on this one TBH and I’d tell dad that next time I’ll make sure it’s at his for him!

Why is her dad responsible, she lied to him too, he obviously didn't know that she was having a party at her DM' house, but on MN it got to be the man's fault !

If she was in his care, an underage child, then of course it's his fault!

It happens. I would be livid, so angry, it would be a long time before I could even think of forgiving her.
Very disrespectful and sly.

I’d be confiscating the phone and grounding her without giving her an end date. Most people can keep up a facade for a set period of time, but true colours will start to shine through after a week or two, so you can make a judgement about her sincerity and learning through consequences. I would also ensure she talks to the friends she invited, as they need to cough up £££ too.

I really feel for you, especially after the month you’ve had. I hope you can restore normality to your home and life soon.

Oh OP i feel your pain. We had this when DD1 was 16 except I was actually in the house with my younger DD2. It got out of hand very very quickly and was pretty scary trying to get them to leave. Lots of older (adult) men!
The police after they threatened to charge me with public unrest told me once its out on social media, the predators come out, drug dealers, looking for younger drunk girls.
TBH it took years for me to really get over it. As well as DD2. There has never been another party in my house, DD1 is now 25.

I think at this age they are naive and just want to be cool. DD1 was very contrite...and we can laugh about it now....kind of...

This is good advice. You seem to be asking others if you should feel the way you do. I think you have every right to feel this way. I think cleaning up so much is probably very daunting for a 15 year old. Does she help in the house anyway? I think you sit down and agree to discuss this in detail ideally with her dad present too ideally in the house so he can see the mess. Get on the same page about what needs to happen. She needs to be grounded and phone taken away for a while. She needs to be cleaning and scrubbing (perhaps with her friends). She should be working out how she can pay for some of this too. I’m shocked at the level of damage. Some people have just turned up with the deliberate intention to cause damage and wreck the place. Is there any chance to getting your stolen property back? Local pawn shops? Are the police involved or just took your daughter back to her fathers? All the best. I hope you get sorted. Extra stress you don’t need when you’re income is lower too!

He didn't check that she actually was attending a sleepover. That's neglect.

Sorry didn’t read everything. I’ve just seen your update. It’s scary reading some of the other comments that adult males turn up hoping to find drunk females. At least nothing like that seems to have happened. Glad you’ve got a plan of action. I hope you get the medals back. Fingers crossed.

Im not sure if im being fair to say this: she was in her father's care, his care lapsed and this happened so he should be footing some if the bill? And he should definitely be sticking to punishments. But also I know being a teenager even i lied to parents about sleeping at a friend's but was actually in a field or up the downs somewhere so I know how easy it is to hide stuff from parents.

Your ex needs to call round and see what happened. He took his eye off the ball with caring for his daughter. He can take a hit financially and pay or fix things .Sadly I am not as confident as OP in getting the medals etc back but all the best with that. Next holiday your ex does need to make sure she stays with dad during the evenings ,your daughter was stupid. Thank God she wasn't raped by an older man. I just hope she felt ill the next day as she is unlikely to repeat this. Lesson learned but sadly she was pathetic.

I hope you've listed everything that is missing and damaged and reported it to the police. Those that did this should be punished and made to pay for it too.

It’s shit, your DD was out of order 100% but you both sound like good people.

This too shall pass and you’ll forgive her and she’ll forgive herself in time.

Until then, I hope you find the medals and other missing items.

I would also hazard a guess that any parents that think their DCs were involved will help put things right with either monetary donations or physical help.

Keep strong 💪 OP!

Not much help but I can empathise. My sister did this at 15. I (older by 2 years) was in the house trying to stop it but she was acting cool and did not want the party to end. I knew the older boys names who trashed the house and our dad came back and called each ones parents and demanded each boy come to the house to explain themselves. Pretty sure these lads never did anything like that again.

I like the sound of that. Need more of these young men being forced to explain themselves.

I feel sad and sickened for you. These parties get out of hand even when dads older brothers are there.
just 2 things if she has an iphone when she ever gets back you van both insist on share location and also theres a live 360 app yoy can use but not sure how. That stop her lying about where she is.
the ring camera is good but know this cN glitch and if the internet cut deliberately you can see who going in and out. My Dd used to do it to skip school. Literally seconds all it takes. Still worth it though.
thing is there is no way she hasnt heard of other parties out of control and anyone of her good mates could have called police it shouldn’t have been neighbours. Id be asking why not it could have been stopped earlier.