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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

692 replies

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 08:11

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Francestein · 31/08/2026 02:15

Can you get the police to chase up the medals? It might also mean some financial contribution to clean up and replacement of other items if people are charged.

BadLad · 31/08/2026 02:42

Cherrytree86 · 30/08/2026 20:59

Aw, I’m sure she feels awful! Give her a cuddle and tell her all will be fine (because it will!). Maybe a nice spa weekend for the two of you or something like that would be good just to reiterate there’s no hard feelings
@IllBiteYourLegsOff

Good one.

Tom Hardy Bait GIF
Dancingintherain09 · 31/08/2026 07:33

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 08:11

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

Id definitely expect ex to be responsible for the cost as he was the one who was responsible for her at the time. Also I'd expect DD to get a job to pay for some of the cost. If she has any items worth selling that would happen as well to compensate DS (So PlayStation mobile phones, anything worth over £50)

You definitely need to talk expectations to ex about him compensating you for cost of clean up, then he may take her consequences more seriously. Pretty sure family court woukd agree.

On a side I'd take her door keys away , and get a ring camera system fitted. Noone can come in or out without your knowledge then.

Pearl69 · 31/08/2026 15:52

Cherrytree86 · 30/08/2026 20:59

Aw, I’m sure she feels awful! Give her a cuddle and tell her all will be fine (because it will!). Maybe a nice spa weekend for the two of you or something like that would be good just to reiterate there’s no hard feelings
@IllBiteYourLegsOff

Absolutely not - that’s rewarding some pretty dreadful behaviour. Having said that, walloping a child isn’t the answer either.

ginasevern · 31/08/2026 16:13

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 18:47

I'm considerably younger than that (40s) and I would say the same.

My mum actually would have given me a physical battering for that. I've been to house parties where everybody got a bit drunk but nobody trashed houses.

I equality, can't believe anyone thinks this is normal.

Show quote history

I agree. My life genuinely wouldn't have been worth living, and I'm not joking. All my friends would have been frightened to death to trash their parents house too. In any event, it just wouldn't have occurred to them to do something so unbelievably awful. And this was the pretty wild 1970's.

shockthemonkey · 31/08/2026 16:17

"does no one remember the yellow pages advert for the French polishing expert??"

No I don't, @AGlessandahalf - intrigued!

Hatty65 · 31/08/2026 16:20

shockthemonkey · 31/08/2026 16:17

"does no one remember the yellow pages advert for the French polishing expert??"

No I don't, @AGlessandahalf - intrigued!

Oh Golly, I do!

There were drunken teens and mates, waking after a party to realise Mum and Dad would be home soon. They have a HUGE clean up and then realise with horror that someone has scratched the coffee table!

Cue frantic searching through the yellow pages for a 'french polishing expert' to come and restore it before parents arrive.

Smug teenager greeting happy parents at door...

Hatty65 · 31/08/2026 16:23

Oh! Actually I've just watched that, and there isn't the happy ending I remembered 😂

AGlessandahalf · 31/08/2026 16:43

Hatty65 · 31/08/2026 16:23

Oh! Actually I've just watched that, and there isn't the happy ending I remembered 😂

Parents will always find out!!

theleafandnotthetree · 31/08/2026 16:47

walrushurricane · 30/08/2026 21:15

It sounds like she is very sorry. Hopefully she will work hard to make amends and if she really focuses on her studies and smashes her GCSEs you will hopefully look back on this and feel that all was well in the end.

Eh, no. Some things are just objectively shit and having your house trashed, robbed and violated firmly falls into that category. No amount of 'life lessons', or 'well at least no one got hurt' exhortations would ever make me look back with anything but anger and hurt. I mean you'd have to move on but not everything can be wrapped in a bloody bow. And her 'smashing' her GCSE's is something she should be aiming for for herself, not some 'prize' to give her mother.

AnotherEmma · 31/08/2026 16:49

Mumsnet is so batshit. From "send her to boarding school" to "take her on a spa weekend" Grin Neither of which the OP can afford, even if they were sensible options (they're not)!

Bobcurlygirl · 31/08/2026 16:56

So instead of feeling contrite about getting her brothers medals stolen she decides SHE will do some revision to get HER better Gcse grades and help HER future... Hmm not feeling much like remorse. Says she will pay for damage but with what? Has she actually come up with a clear plan of how to pay? Or does she think 2 weeks off tiktok and it's all ok?

Greaded · 31/08/2026 17:44

I would be furious and remove her house key.

i think its important for parents and schools to talk about how not all friends or acquaintances are trustworthy.
I mean at school they lock the changing rooms in case things are stolen…
You dont want randoms in your house unsupervised. They could literally take anything. Keys, passports, birth certificates. Passwords. Credit cards, driving license!
And the worst of her throwing an unagreed to party is you couldnt put anything in a safe place even.
But also getting so drunk while in charge of the house so not calling the police herself.

Probably dad was a but naive about her having a ‘sleepover’.
Because even if it hadnt been a huge party could easily have been a sleepover at your house or 1-2-1 time with a boyfriend etc.

Also i think its important to tell her the story from pp of the sofa being burnt because the situation could have been even worse and the house burnt down.

The fact shes out with friends not only is dad useless but also she doesnt give a crap, no guilt!

MMUmum · 31/08/2026 17:55

shockthemonkey · 31/08/2026 16:17

"does no one remember the yellow pages advert for the French polishing expert??"

No I don't, @AGlessandahalf - intrigued!

Lady local to me went on holiday, her teenage son had a party, house got wrecked, local newspapers ( and I think maybe some nationals) ran the story calling him yellow pages boy. His mum was furious, she def didn't find it funny

AGlessandahalf · 31/08/2026 17:57

MMUmum · 31/08/2026 17:55

Lady local to me went on holiday, her teenage son had a party, house got wrecked, local newspapers ( and I think maybe some nationals) ran the story calling him yellow pages boy. His mum was furious, she def didn't find it funny

Show quote history

i think I remember that

madaboutpurple · 31/08/2026 18:05

Has your daughter made an effort yet into getting her brother's medals and sports cups back.? I would be insisting she put some time into doing this. Has she been able to sell any of her things to help with the cost of repairs. If not then she needs to crack on to show you mean what you say.

AssassinsEyebrow · 31/08/2026 18:12

I didn't have anything to add before but I'd like to say that, in spite of what's happened, your daughter sounds like a really good egg and a credit to both you and her father.

Yes she's screwed up, big time, but so few people take accountability or give genuine apologies these days and that she is doing so speaks volumes for her character.

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 31/08/2026 18:21

I would also be furious about this, she went behind your back and because of that your house is ruined. Shows a complete lack of respect for you & your house. I also think she should be finding her brother’s medals herself, she is responsible for this & should take responsibility.

How is doing well in her gcse’s a way of making up for what she has done? She should be doing that anyway. I would be setting a couple of hours chores each week for some reasonable time to pay you somewhat back for all the damage.

catlover123456789 · 31/08/2026 18:24

What are the police doing to trace the people that committed theft and criminal damage in your property?
This actually happened to my friend when we were kids, except her parents knew the party was happening. Her parents tracked down the kids that caused the damage and theft. Their parents closed ranks and said their little darlings were not capable of such things. My friend had to pay for the damage. It was awful.

LBFseBrom · 31/08/2026 18:24

It sounds like your daughter has done her penance.
She is not likely to do anything like that again.
Let it go now.

ginasevern · 31/08/2026 18:26

@walrushurricane "Hopefully she will work hard to make amends and if she really focuses on her studies and smashes her GCSEs you will hopefully look back on this and feel that all was well in the end."

I'd be smashing her arse first.

Jfhsjdhrhdb · 31/08/2026 18:28

YANBU, but I have to say I did the same at 15. One of my grandparents had just died so my parents came back to the grandparent death and a destroyed house. I’m a very nice, well adjusted, sensible person now.

independentfriend · 31/08/2026 18:34

Remember consequences need to fit what happened. It's not her fault your work situation is tricky. And year long consequences sound a bit extreme. Also remember nobody has been hurt. Most material things can be replaced. There will be ways to get rid of egg / fire extinguisher foam smells and stains.

Sometime you need to give her the chunk of information she didn't have beforehand:

  • If you're hosting, you can't get drunk
  • How to send out invites so they only go to people you want to attend(!) - if she'd invited four friends for pizza and a sleepover you'd probably have never found out about it.
  • How you tidy a house before a party
  • How you make certain rooms out of bounds
  • If non invited people turn up, you can throw them out / call the police.
  • Serve food with alcohol and make sure there are lots of soft drinks available - either as mixers or as a break between alcohol rounds.
  • There's always a way out / a choice: if things are going wrong there will be somebody who can help.

Because there will be more parties in her future, just not at your house.

hcee19 · 31/08/2026 18:50

I would be frothing at the mouth, thats why none if my children had dare pulled a stunt like this. I would ground her, not giving a time frame, telling her, when she can go out with friends again. The only reason she would be going out is to go to school & her fathers home.lf the father isn't supporting you, l would ask how he would feel if your dd did the same to him? Also the phone would go, she again could have it back when you wanted to give it back. Putting a time limit on things just gives her something to look forward to, without a time limit she knows she will have to do some serious work to get the things she enjoys in life back. How dare she have a load of strangers in your home, without permission, & also they stole from you...yes, it is all her fault as nothing would have happened if she didn't go behind you back. She must have planned it all out, very deceitful l imagine you are extremely upset and angry.