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AIBU?

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Original poster

It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

692 replies

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 08:11

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Minasama · 30/08/2026 20:36

The deviousness would make me so angry. I would lose my sh+t entirely. I would be tempted to belt her one in all honestly and at least she’d learn quickly that way.

You are going to need to communicate properly with your ex and her friends’ parents on her whereabouts in future since she cannot be trusted.

I guess you need to understand what happened - perhaps a load of people turned up uninvited and it was not entirely her fault (except it was in that she was devious and she organised this.) Nevertheless I’d tell her that devious behaviour will not wash with me and her dad (hopefully he’s reasonable and you can get him on side, this one needs both parents.) Obviously grounded/no phone for 2-4 weeks, perhaps there are some garden or household tasks that need doing?

I’d give her a strong talking to about personal safety, the strength of different sorts of drink and the perils of being too drunk to look after yourself as a young woman as well.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/08/2026 20:44

Wow. She really tried it on

meant to be at dads - lies and says staying at friends and instead had a party at yours that went totally out of control

sorry your house got wrecked and hope the medals do come back

amazed dad allowed her out after the party when should have been grounded

she may feel bad and want to pay for damage but can run into hundreds if not thousands

time for her to maybe find a part time job and pay. Can for some of the damage

you say she won’t be getting pocket money as you don’t have a job

hope you get a new contract soon

notafancyusername · 30/08/2026 20:52

Get some indoor cameras and bright outdoor lighting, so you know if any undesirables decide to try to break in

Cherrytree86 · 30/08/2026 20:59

Aw, I’m sure she feels awful! Give her a cuddle and tell her all will be fine (because it will!). Maybe a nice spa weekend for the two of you or something like that would be good just to reiterate there’s no hard feelings
@IllBiteYourLegsOff

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/08/2026 21:02

Cherrytree86 · 30/08/2026 20:59

Aw, I’m sure she feels awful! Give her a cuddle and tell her all will be fine (because it will!). Maybe a nice spa weekend for the two of you or something like that would be good just to reiterate there’s no hard feelings
@IllBiteYourLegsOff

Op doesn’t have the money to spend on a nice weekend away

and tbh sure doesn’t want to waste money when so much needs replacing

Let alone ‘reward’ dd by a nice pamper

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 21:05

Cherrytree86 · 30/08/2026 20:59

Aw, I’m sure she feels awful! Give her a cuddle and tell her all will be fine (because it will!). Maybe a nice spa weekend for the two of you or something like that would be good just to reiterate there’s no hard feelings
@IllBiteYourLegsOff

Now i've heard everything and no wonder children behave the way they do with parenting like that.

Spa weekend for lying, sneaking out and trashing your mother's house. Jesus

KeepPumping · 30/08/2026 21:09

madaboutpurple · 30/08/2026 18:48

Most teenagers know what happens when parties are advertised on SM. This little madam didn't think on. Her dad is equally to blame. Therefore they pay to replace everything then she can spend time reflecting on how totally stupid she has been. Did her dad and herself not think about the possibility of her being raped. I would smash her phone up unless it can be sold to offset the costs. I would get her dad to pay those costs upfront and the longer DD takes to pay the money back she can think about her actions.

Smashing her phone would set an excellent example of how to deal with conflict, maybe you could trash her room as well? The Dad isn"t to blame, he couldn"t have predicted this.

KeepPumping · 30/08/2026 21:12

Minasama · 30/08/2026 20:36

The deviousness would make me so angry. I would lose my sh+t entirely. I would be tempted to belt her one in all honestly and at least she’d learn quickly that way.

You are going to need to communicate properly with your ex and her friends’ parents on her whereabouts in future since she cannot be trusted.

I guess you need to understand what happened - perhaps a load of people turned up uninvited and it was not entirely her fault (except it was in that she was devious and she organised this.) Nevertheless I’d tell her that devious behaviour will not wash with me and her dad (hopefully he’s reasonable and you can get him on side, this one needs both parents.) Obviously grounded/no phone for 2-4 weeks, perhaps there are some garden or household tasks that need doing?

I’d give her a strong talking to about personal safety, the strength of different sorts of drink and the perils of being too drunk to look after yourself as a young woman as well.

Edited

You can"t smack teenagers about nowadays, you would get lifted and maybe charged.

geumsun · 30/08/2026 21:15

Cherrytree86 · 30/08/2026 20:59

Aw, I’m sure she feels awful! Give her a cuddle and tell her all will be fine (because it will!). Maybe a nice spa weekend for the two of you or something like that would be good just to reiterate there’s no hard feelings
@IllBiteYourLegsOff

Pure rage bait.

walrushurricane · 30/08/2026 21:15

It sounds like she is very sorry. Hopefully she will work hard to make amends and if she really focuses on her studies and smashes her GCSEs you will hopefully look back on this and feel that all was well in the end.

Minasama · 30/08/2026 21:16

SereneFinch · 30/08/2026 08:19

I think it would depend on her attitude. Is she sorry?

If randoms turned up and trashed the place, I don’t think you can hold her responsible for that. A fifteen year old girl cannot control others. But make sure she has learnt the lesson of why parties are difficult and what to do if things are getting out of control.

She is responsible because she lied to both parents about where she was and organised the party. It’s the deviousness that would annoy me. Silly girl.

Minasama · 30/08/2026 21:17

Anyahyacinth · 30/08/2026 16:55

I'd be selling some of her thing to pay for the damage...she can do this ...you have a book with costs and it gets worked off. It will teach a lot about working to provide for yourself etc..

If a Birthday is imminent I'd be tempted to wrap pictures of presents she's foregone as a result of this.

I would definitely have consequences that could be felt...rather than just words

The presents thing is vindictive. I think that would be unfair tbh.

saraclara · 30/08/2026 21:20

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 20:09

She says that she will redeem herself by smashing the GCSE mocks.

How does that help anyone other than herself.

Show make up for theft and criminal damage by doing well in her own exams.

She hasn't learned a thing.

Did you read that she's also insisting on paying for everything that was taken?

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 21:25

saraclara · 30/08/2026 21:20

Did you read that she's also insisting on paying for everything that was taken?

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She's 15. That wont happen

KeepPumping · 30/08/2026 21:28

geumsun · 30/08/2026 21:15

Pure rage bait.

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LOL, buy her a new phone and tell her she can have her mates round for a party.

WhatNextImScared · 30/08/2026 21:33

ForFluentLimeFatball · 30/08/2026 20:14

The ex should pay to put every thing right. as he failed to look after her. Her safety could have been at risk as he had no clue what she was up to. Hope the police are dealing with the theft

The longer I think about it, the more I agree with this. She knew she could get away with it on his watch. You need to talk to him about that seriously.

Anyahyacinth · 30/08/2026 21:34

Minasama · 30/08/2026 21:17

The presents thing is vindictive. I think that would be unfair tbh.

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I don’t think vindictive and I didn’t mean no presents but I meant some ..’sadly you spent the money for these on a trashy party and lies’ gifts that were images only

Horses7 · 30/08/2026 21:49

Bonniegirlie · 30/08/2026 18:30

I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. Sell or dispose of everything you can that she owns, especially sentimental or precious to her items. Leave her with basic clothes and bedding and that’s it. See how she likes her personal space being violated. Get rid of her phone. Use all the money she currently has to clean and replace what she can. Tally up the rest and when she earns make her pay every penny back. I wouldn’t be able to look at her. Actions have consequences

Think I’d do this too!

neilyoungismyhero · 30/08/2026 21:51

I think I'd ask her to speak to the wet wipes who she obviously knows, and advise them unless the stolen property is returned ASAP you will be contacting the police. You never know it might work they sound as thick as mince.

TheMadGardener · 30/08/2026 21:56

This is awful, I really feel for you OP. My DDs are 21 and 20 now but I've just read this to DD2 and she was also appalled. I'd feel so violated in your place.

I'm glad your DD is at least showing some remorse, but I'd be taking every penny from whatever savings she has to put towards the cost of repairs. I'd also be asking ex-DH for a contribution to the cost, since he was supposed to be in charge of DD at the time and totally failed to keep track of her.

Also I'd be taking her house key off her and she has to knock and wait to be let in the house by you or her siblings. This will be massively inconvenient for her, but will make her realise that you don't trust her with a key now and she will have to earn your trust back.

Agree that Ring cameras will be good when you can afford them. I hope you get your son's medals back and have reported stolen items to the police and got a crime ref number for your insurance.

As a PP mentioned, do make sure your DD realises how she exposed herself to possible sexual assault, getting drunk into insensibility in a house with older teens she didn't know. That doesn't mean an assault would have been her fault but she needs to know that was very risky behaviour.

Laurmolonlabe · 30/08/2026 22:00

EarringsandLipstick · 30/08/2026 13:09

For God’s sake. Do people really think in such a limited way? ‘Off to boarding school’ as if that’s some magic solution.

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it's not a magic solution- but whatever has happened so far has abjectly failed so a radical approach is needed because these are serious issues.

Laurmolonlabe · 30/08/2026 22:05

Newyearawaits · 30/08/2026 13:22

No sympathy from you then!
Holy Lord

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Sympathy? The girl has lied, made very bad irresponsible decisions and let her friends run riot- sympathy was not my first thought, no.
Be sympathetic, make excuses for them right up until the law takes over and your excuses will no longer cut it- do you really think that would be helping her ultimately?

AGlessandahalf · 30/08/2026 23:18

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 18:42

Hi all. Just an update. I am still reading through all of the messages and am so incredibly grateful. Lots of great advice - thank you - and I feel justified in my anger and devastation!

Trying to answer various questions in one go

The ex is onboard and we are on the same page. DD is grounded.

I sat down with DD and she is equally floored by this, very contrite and accepting of any punishments I see fit. She wants to right her wrongs and pay for all damages. We have both spent the day sorting the house out and we are still finding more missing or broken items. Each time something else is added to the list, she looks as sad as I do.

She is grounded for the time being and is accepting of this. She says that she will redeem herself by smashing the GCSE mocks.

As advised, I have posted on facebook and it's going viral to all the local teen parents. I actually feel confident that we will get back the medals, at least.

I definitely would not want her to move out! It's just me and the three DCs and a bunch of cats and foxes. She made a really bad decision and she knows it - and I now feel more devastated than cross. I think she can see how much it has affected me and that in itself is punishment.

She's gone round all the neighbours with a letter apologising and has written an action plan, including a list of everything that she will replace over the course of the year.

Ring cameras will be happening as soon as I get some more work. It's a great idea and I'm an idiot for not already having them.

A tiny update: I've just heard that someone knows someone who has the medals on display in his bedroom... This is actually exciting!

I need to feed the kids and spend some time with the other two now, poor things have been rather overlooked today.

Thanks again for all the help - you are an amazing support network!

@IllBiteYourLegsOffthis all sounds positive both in terms of a plan to deal with the aftermath and your DD attitude.
sending positive vibes to keep it up.
do not capitulate and let her get away with anything early. Stick to the plan for repayment/chorws/grounding.
teens need boundaries.

she has been deceitful but it’s gone so badly wrong she could not have predicted it.

does no one remember the yellow pages advert for the French polishing expert??

walrushurricane · 30/08/2026 23:33

Laurmolonlabe · 30/08/2026 22:00

it's not a magic solution- but whatever has happened so far has abjectly failed so a radical approach is needed because these are serious issues.

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OP might not have a spare 45 k a year to pay for boarding school.

GeorginaWilby · 31/08/2026 00:07

SereneFinch · 30/08/2026 08:19

I think it would depend on her attitude. Is she sorry?

If randoms turned up and trashed the place, I don’t think you can hold her responsible for that. A fifteen year old girl cannot control others. But make sure she has learnt the lesson of why parties are difficult and what to do if things are getting out of control.

She should have been the one to call the police as soon as the criminal action started!