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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

692 replies

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 08:11

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 30/08/2026 18:51

I've just heard that someone knows someone who has the medals on display in his bedroom...

Whoever this little shit is I hope he’s publicly shamed on your Facebook group and is grounded for the rest of his life.

JuliettaCaeser · 30/08/2026 18:52

It’s not normal but it does happen. Happened in our village in the 90s. Was worse though as thugs came and beat people up! Ended up on the front page of the Sun! This was 1992. Still talked about in my parents genteel village!

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 18:53

MeridianB · 30/08/2026 18:51

I've just heard that someone knows someone who has the medals on display in his bedroom...

Whoever this little shit is I hope he’s publicly shamed on your Facebook group and is grounded for the rest of his life.

Or get the police onto the someone who knows where they are.

They won't be fucking laughing when the police are at their door.

QueenietheGreat · 30/08/2026 18:59

@IllBiteYourLegsOff
And has she even shown any contrition?
Going by what you're saying I think she thought a 'bit of a tidy' would be enough
She has ruined your home and stability
And she's only saying what she's got to tell you to appear 'sorree' hoping that you'll just get over it
If it were me I'd expect financial recompense
So stop her allowance?
You strike me as the type of lady to always have put her first so do this at least
Because you've said that you expected this scenario to happen so it shows she's indulged
And if daddy fiscally provides its yours too
Make sure of that
And get her to damn well clean up
If anything professionally needs sorting
Demand the money off Daddy as
You're between jobs
She made it she deals with it
And as for your useless ex
He grows a pair explains the danger/stupidity of what she did and actually parents your spoilt brat BUT you both have to present and maintain a united serious front
So dont send her to daddys
He'll just let her roughshot however she fancies
So lay down rules about her routine at yours
Including tidy-up time
And stick to them
Also
Cruel I know but I'd give her so much cold-shoulder she'd think before she ever spoke to me again and then she'd do it curteously
She's already taken a mile
If left unchecked
It'll become a marathon
And with the "friends" she seems to have acquired in her short years thus far
Where's it all going to stop??

Growlybear83 · 30/08/2026 19:07

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 18:47

I'm considerably younger than that (40s) and I would say the same.

My mum actually would have given me a physical battering for that. I've been to house parties where everybody got a bit drunk but nobody trashed houses.

I equality, can't believe anyone thinks this is normal.

Show quote history

Please don’t think thst at I think this is normal or thst I condone it in any way! Im just aware that it’s something that has happened occasionally for as long as I can remember. I agree with everything people have said about how the OP must feel violated and the shock and fury she must be feeling. Like you, my parents would have knocked me into next week if I’d ever had a party where the house had got trashed, and that’s exactly why I would never have left my daughter alone in the house overnight in her teens.

NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 30/08/2026 19:09

The whole incident has probably served as a FastTrack lesson to ensure your DD is unlikely to ever do anything of the sort again and thereby saved you a lot of future potential angst 🙏.

MadMAGA · 30/08/2026 19:15

Great news that there's a chance of recovering the medals.

Do you have contents insurance? Will they cover the damage?

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 19:18

Growlybear83 · 30/08/2026 19:07

Please don’t think thst at I think this is normal or thst I condone it in any way! Im just aware that it’s something that has happened occasionally for as long as I can remember. I agree with everything people have said about how the OP must feel violated and the shock and fury she must be feeling. Like you, my parents would have knocked me into next week if I’d ever had a party where the house had got trashed, and that’s exactly why I would never have left my daughter alone in the house overnight in her teens.

Show quote history

Oh gosh no - didn't think that at all. I was just adding consensus to the fact that at any age, nobody with any decency would think this was ok or normal.

Both you and I would have had a good slap for it - OP proposed a good chat - that's the problem right there.

geumsun · 30/08/2026 19:23

I hope the little wanker with the medals returns them soon 🙏

bafta16 · 30/08/2026 19:26

15? You shouldn't be so selfish.

21stNightOfSeptember · 30/08/2026 19:32

I hope you get the stolen jewellery and medals back OP 😞

Have the missing items been reported to the police?

Sonia1111 · 30/08/2026 19:32

Her father was responsible for her while you were away and didn't confirm the sleepover was legitimate, and now isn't enforcing a punishment. I would hold a family meeting at your house, show him and her all the damage, stress the financial and emotional losses and ask what they are going to do about it. If not much, you can give them both consequences as I'm sure you do an awful lot for them that could be withdrawn.

grumpygrape · 30/08/2026 19:38

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 18:42

Hi all. Just an update. I am still reading through all of the messages and am so incredibly grateful. Lots of great advice - thank you - and I feel justified in my anger and devastation!

Trying to answer various questions in one go

The ex is onboard and we are on the same page. DD is grounded.

I sat down with DD and she is equally floored by this, very contrite and accepting of any punishments I see fit. She wants to right her wrongs and pay for all damages. We have both spent the day sorting the house out and we are still finding more missing or broken items. Each time something else is added to the list, she looks as sad as I do.

She is grounded for the time being and is accepting of this. She says that she will redeem herself by smashing the GCSE mocks.

As advised, I have posted on facebook and it's going viral to all the local teen parents. I actually feel confident that we will get back the medals, at least.

I definitely would not want her to move out! It's just me and the three DCs and a bunch of cats and foxes. She made a really bad decision and she knows it - and I now feel more devastated than cross. I think she can see how much it has affected me and that in itself is punishment.

She's gone round all the neighbours with a letter apologising and has written an action plan, including a list of everything that she will replace over the course of the year.

Ring cameras will be happening as soon as I get some more work. It's a great idea and I'm an idiot for not already having them.

A tiny update: I've just heard that someone knows someone who has the medals on display in his bedroom... This is actually exciting!

I need to feed the kids and spend some time with the other two now, poor things have been rather overlooked today.

Thanks again for all the help - you are an amazing support network!

OP, it sounds as if you, your ex, and your D are working well through this. It must be very upsetting all round. Don’t forget to give her a big hug and tell her how proud you are of how she’s dealing with it now.
Fingers crossed for the medals.

Createausername1970 · 30/08/2026 19:42

Sounds like your DD is genuinely shocked and remorseful about how it all panned out and keen to put it right. She sounds like she is being very mature about it all. Hopefully this has been a hard lesson she has learned.

I do hope you get your son's medals and your jewellery back.

Meantime, DD should probably stay grounded, but your acknowledgement of her intentions to right the wrongs would be good.

We all make mistakes - the important part is how we deal with it afterwards.

LivingMyLifeWithKindness · 30/08/2026 19:43

Good to hear that you and ex are on the same page re grounding - Is he shouldering any of the immediate costs?

HumberSquid · 30/08/2026 19:44

However lovely and repentent your dd is (and honestly she sounds both) she needs to pay for the damage caused (whatever isn't covered by the insurance). Her gcses are something she does for her, to sort this out she needs a part time job (Sat job, babysitting). And I hope you've spoken to the police about the thefts - your poor son!

BananaramaNananana · 30/08/2026 19:58

Question - why didn't dad check where your daughter was having a "sleepover"? Also does she normally have a key?

MCF86 · 30/08/2026 19:59

madaboutpurple · 30/08/2026 18:48

Most teenagers know what happens when parties are advertised on SM. This little madam didn't think on. Her dad is equally to blame. Therefore they pay to replace everything then she can spend time reflecting on how totally stupid she has been. Did her dad and herself not think about the possibility of her being raped. I would smash her phone up unless it can be sold to offset the costs. I would get her dad to pay those costs upfront and the longer DD takes to pay the money back she can think about her actions.

she told dad she was at a sleepover, he had no reason not to believe her if this is a first offense.

MMUmum · 30/08/2026 20:00

IllBiteYourLegsOff · 30/08/2026 08:11

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

I would be heartbroken too Op, not about Dd, I would be furious with her, but I would be heartbroken at the state of the house and the absolute disrespect Dd has shown you, knowing full well what an awful time you've been through. I would simply send her to her dad's until you feel able to see her again, which would be a
long time in my books

ThreadGuardDog · 30/08/2026 20:03

SereneFinch · 30/08/2026 08:19

I think it would depend on her attitude. Is she sorry?

If randoms turned up and trashed the place, I don’t think you can hold her responsible for that. A fifteen year old girl cannot control others. But make sure she has learnt the lesson of why parties are difficult and what to do if things are getting out of control.

Of course she should be held responsible. She lied to her dad and let things get out of control. Sounds like there was a LOT of damage. Id’ be furious and she’d be in no doubt as to the consequences.

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 20:09

She says that she will redeem herself by smashing the GCSE mocks.

How does that help anyone other than herself.

Show make up for theft and criminal damage by doing well in her own exams.

She hasn't learned a thing.

ForFluentLimeFatball · 30/08/2026 20:14

The ex should pay to put every thing right. as he failed to look after her. Her safety could have been at risk as he had no clue what she was up to. Hope the police are dealing with the theft

WearyAuldWumman · 30/08/2026 20:20

PleaseDontAsk · 30/08/2026 18:47

I'm considerably younger than that (40s) and I would say the same.

My mum actually would have given me a physical battering for that. I've been to house parties where everybody got a bit drunk but nobody trashed houses.

I equality, can't believe anyone thinks this is normal.

Show quote history

It's not normal, but it happens. I'm 66 and recall reading reports of this kind of thing in the tabloids.

As I said upthread, DH's son had witnessed this type of thing happening in the '80s and this was why he said he'd never risk throwing a party in his parents' house.

tesseractor · 30/08/2026 20:22

Heronwatcher · 30/08/2026 18:47

This sounds really positive and you are doing a great job! Just remember that at least everyone is alive and well- you’ll work through it- all possessions can be replaced and mended and it sounds as though your daughter has learnt a lesson.

Show quote history

Actually no, it’s not necessarily the case that all possessions can be replaced or repaired. I look round where I’m sitting at home and there are things that couldn’t be replaced, such as very old photos (my grandfather in his airforce uniform in WW2 as an example) jewellery from family, where it is not the gold etc, but that it is a family members engagement ring.

I was burgled over 30 years ago, and an antique box was taken, with all my school photos and other mementoes in it, including things that belonged to my grandmother and great grandmother, and I still hugely regret their loss.

yes it’s always best that people are alive and well, but I do think it can be all too easy to try and write off the loss of physical items which help tie us with our memories.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/08/2026 20:22

MeridianB · 30/08/2026 18:51

I've just heard that someone knows someone who has the medals on display in his bedroom...

Whoever this little shit is I hope he’s publicly shamed on your Facebook group and is grounded for the rest of his life.

I'm wondering how it's possible that his parents haven't asked questions since the medals are on display. Perhaps they're on holiday.