It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

At a loss as to what to advise as sounds that any consequences you impose on DD will only result in more rebellion by her. With her posting about party on phone confiscation would be an obvious start, but only if you are sure she would not rebel. DDs dad must carry some responsibility ie did he check with friend's parent about sleepover. Feel for you.

I'd be selling some of her thing to pay for the damage...she can do this ...you have a book with costs and it gets worked off. It will teach a lot about working to provide for yourself etc..

If a Birthday is imminent I'd be tempted to wrap pictures of presents she's foregone as a result of this.

I would definitely have consequences that could be felt...rather than just words

I think the birthday presents thing is a bit harsh…

She totally can hold the daughter responsible, she must have posted on socials for randoms to turn up. 15 is more than old enough to be held accountable for their actions.

Dad also needs to step up, would he be letting her out with friends if it was his house that got trashed

The only parties that got out of control
round here were 14/15 year old ones even with parents there.

Ours have both had 2 big parties. Rules. You have to be 16 minimum 17 to have a party, You have a closed group chat strictly invite only. Fancy dress theme promotes better behaviour and leaves out the non invited. Parents there but upstairs and check every 30 mins. Neighbours warned with a months notice. Hard finish time. Collection midnight. They clear up.

Nearly at the end of the party stage thank god once they are 18 they just go out out. To be fair clubs are extremely hot on id now so parties end up being more sought after. At 17 we just went clubbing that’s much harder now.

Lentils in the above ground pool? Was the underground pool okay though?

It doesn't matter whether or not she posted on socials: she's still in the wrong for lying to her father and holding a party.

Back in '82, my younger flatmates organised a birthday party. Two randoms came to the door: "We heard the music, an' we've got a cairry oot..."

They tried to argue when I told them to leave. (They weren't over the threshold.)

I repeated the instruction to leave and they went. To be honest, the fact that my 6ft 2 boyfriend heard what was happening and deliberately loomed behind me probably did the trick.

The point I'm making is that gatecrashing does happen. Nowadays, once one gets in, then news of an 'open house' is going to get around.

I feel for you. Your daughter has behaved appallingly. I would ensure she knows how devastating this has been for you. Allowing strangers into your home to destroy and steal your and your sons possessions is a total violation. She would be grounded for a very long time and I'm not sure when she would get her phone back.

Then the modern world sucks and is a dangerous place, more so than ever I think.

I would get the locks changed and she does not get a key. She gets to learn how to repair everything that is broken or how much it costs to repair. I think phone confiscated along with any IT except for supervised hours for school work.

In all honesty I would be holding the father responsible he was meant to be the responsible parent here and he didn't do enough to ensure that he knew where she was and what she was doing.

That is absolutely appalling!!! Who in their right mind would go into someone elses home and behave this way!
I would be furious.
Her Dad should be stepping up though seen as this happened when she was in his care.
So sorry. I feel for you.

If she has savings, they would be going towards repairs.

After you've spoken to her about her safety, what could have happened and how stupid she's been.

The first thing is that she cleans up and puts right what she can.

1. Phone confiscated for the foreseeable future. She can have a brick phone until she's earned (through chores etc) her smartphone back. I would be keeping it until at least October half term

2. Housekey is also confiscated. Again it can be earnt back eventually. She isn't allowed in the house without you, her df or another trusted adult supervising her

3. No sleepovers (at all) or attending parties at other people's houses.

4. No prom next year. This is non negotiable

Fwiw - If they stolen medals can't be recovered, most engravers should be able to replace them with replicas if you can describe what was written on them etc. Obviously it's not the same and it doesn't make up for what's she's done - but paying for them out of her money may go someway towards repairing the upset she's caused her brother

Sorry this happened to you op

Im 68 and I can remember things like this happening regularly when I was in my teens - it’s not something new. In those days, word just spread at the local pub, and by word of mouth, and hordes of people would turn up. I can imagine how the OP feels, and I would be so angry. If this had been my daughter, I would have grounded her indefinitely, removed her phone and laptop, and made her clear up the damage properly. If she had any savings I would expect her to use them, and I would also expect her to make enquiries to find out who might have stolen the missing things.

She has far too little to cover other losses, though.

she needs to get work at 15, and start paying of rthe damage

tbh that will be enough punishment to make her put right what she has allowed to occur in your home

I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. Sell or dispose of everything you can that she owns, especially sentimental or precious to her items. Leave her with basic clothes and bedding and that’s it. See how she likes her personal space being violated. Get rid of her phone. Use all the money she currently has to clean and replace what she can. Tally up the rest and when she earns make her pay every penny back. I wouldn’t be able to look at her. Actions have consequences

I wonder if anyone has posted any photos anywhere on Social Media. Just so you could see who was there. I feel so sorry for your son having his things stolen.

The first priority must be to try to recover the medals and jewellery. Well, once the basic cleaning is done. An incredibly stupid and deceitful action on her part has taken something discuss that her DB has collected. She really needs to feel the pain of that. Are these war medals, or medals that he has won? If they’re his achievement medals they won’t be worth anything and so I would get the word out in your local area/ school community. Selling something of DD’s might well raise the money for a little incentive for someone to send them back.

I would be very very angry with her.

I remember a story on the radio years ago - it made the news as the gate crashing crowd was huge and caused much disturbance on the street, as well as trashing the house.

If I remember correctly, the DD stayed with family friends for a while as the relationship with the parents was obviously very strained. I think the mum’s wedding dress was deliberately damaged, among many other things.

Blimey. Well I'm 69 and my parents would've killed me and likewise my friends' parents. Yes, I went to house parties where everyone got pissed and smoked a joint or two, and there was without doubt some pretty bad behaviour. But the idea of completely trashing the house, like the OP has described, didn't happen in my world. And was no goody two shoes!

This sounds really positive and you are doing a great job! Just remember that at least everyone is alive and well- you’ll work through it- all possessions can be replaced and mended and it sounds as though your daughter has learnt a lesson.

I'm considerably younger than that (40s) and I would say the same.

My mum actually would have given me a physical battering for that. I've been to house parties where everybody got a bit drunk but nobody trashed houses.

I equality, can't believe anyone thinks this is normal.

Most teenagers know what happens when parties are advertised on SM. This little madam didn't think on. Her dad is equally to blame. Therefore they pay to replace everything then she can spend time reflecting on how totally stupid she has been. Did her dad and herself not think about the possibility of her being raped. I would smash her phone up unless it can be sold to offset the costs. I would get her dad to pay those costs upfront and the longer DD takes to pay the money back she can think about her actions.