It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

Has she said she will go to any local pawnbroker shops to see if sports medals are there.? If not then make her do that, has she anything in her room that is valuable. She can sell things until she has compensated you. Sadly you have raised a totally stupid girl. She didn't think about the consequences. Tell her from me she is a really stupid girl. I am livid on your behalf. Your stupid ex can pay off all the repairs for now as he stupid for believing her.

Of course you need to remove devices, etc to punish her, and make her pay for the cleaning, and continue to clean/repair items, etc, but being a kid, she is probably somewhat oblivious to the long-term consequences.

I would be making it very clear that this isn’t just about the damage to your home, or the theft of your property… She needs to understand that her stupidity has resulted in you and your son feeling violated and unsafe, and it is going to take a long time and consistent effort on her behalf to earn your (& son’s) trust again. She may never be able to make amends for the missing items and damage done to physical things, and she may never be able to undo the hurt and sense of betrayal she is responsible for with you and your son.

A friend had a very similar party when we were 15.
The troublemakers were her ex and his friends.
Done to get revenge for her breaking up with him.

I really hope this works for OP.
The insurance may try to say that they arent covered as they were guests of the DD, so will need to be clear on what happened. If gatecrashers came etc.

You sound so kind.
I would be beside myself with rage.
The violation of my home.
These days with social media you cannot risk an empty house with anyone having keys.

Your Ex is partly responsible.
He clearly didn't check she actually was going on a sleepover.
How did she gain access?
Take any key from her.

I actually would want her home to clean and clean.
No technology whatsoever.
Your poor son's stuff and the theft of your bits.
Horrendous.

20 years ago before the internet was really up and going my friend was on holidays.
Her 18 year old was staying with friends as she didn't want her in their beautiful home alone.
She had a few friends back with the spare key but word got out and another 30 turned up.

They parked on her huge lawn and because of it being wet, it was completely dug up.
They didn't thrash the house but her beautiful floors were very badly marked where stilettos had done real damage dancing.

Vomit was in every pot and a few cigarette burns ruined several sofa's.
Her daughter couldn't get them out, but they did eventually leave.

She was devastated and my friend was so upset to come home after a great holiday to her house so violated.

Her daughter had done an excellent job cleaning with friends, but the smell of vomit stayed until she found it in the bottom of plant pots all over the house.

They moved two years later and she said she never felt the same about the house.

Unfortunately I have heard of a few awful thrashing of houses in the last few years.

There really seems to be an absolute profound disrespect of other peoples homes.
So upsetting OP.
I really feel for you.

In relation to the medals and other items that have been stolen, what about posting on your local FB group and ask for it to be shared as well as the School social media to see if other parents can help get your stuff back.

I had this once where jewellery was stolen from our house after a party where kids turned up who DS didn’t know.
he Did manage to make contact with friends of friends and warned them to bring it back.

worth a shot??

It concerns me that your friends have relationships with weird men.

Just wanted to drop in and say I did this to my mum when I was 14/15…. Twice! Maybe not quite as bad as you’re describing but house trashed door pulled of hinges passports and luxury goods and cash stolen from the house…. It was bad. Anyway I was grounded wasn’t allowed to go on a group trip and I think I may also have been suspended from school that year for a different reason… or maybe it was the one after . Anyway I got my shit together went to uni married a lovely guy and now have a killer 6 figure salary in finance so I can assure you that even the naughtiest daughters can turn out ok. My mum and I are super close and we laugh about that time a lot these days. One day you’ll look back and laugh too promise!

do you think dad knew ? why did he just let her go off to this sleepover without checking or making sure she was there. As bad as it your lucky she wasn’t off somewhere she could have been in danger

Worth checking your insurance to see if any costs are recoverable. Having the police incident number may help. I'd get a professional cleaning company in if possible. Re your daughter - very firm boundaries for some considerable time with a financial penalty. You can try getting dad on board but sometimes you have to let that go when they are being dickheads have a different stance on parenting.

If she’s a good kid, then she will feel devastated by this too. And feel so guilty about stuff being taken and your son’s medals.

Well, you'd hope so, at a bare minimum!

Do you not feel horribly guilty for what you did, and put your mother through? I don't think anyone would look back and laugh at having your home violated and sentimental items stolen.

Im glad you find it funny.

It's all worth it as you earn good money hey?

You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

It's really unbelievable they took the sports medals. There is literally no monetary value to them. And the egging, the lentils - this is an attack, not people messing around and getting too drunk (and throwing up where they shouldn't.)

There is lots to unpick here in terms of how this all went down and who attended the party. I would be trying to get to the bottom of that, but your DD also needs to have it drilled in this should never have happened. I am not even sure what punishment to suggest - it's all so out wrong/out there. I would start by taking the smart phone though, maybe until A level.

Some of the responses on here are a bit unhinged! Of course you're not going to send her to live at her dad's or not speak to her for a long time! She's your child!

Yes she did something very stupid, but she's barely 15 and 15 year olds do stupid things. They literally don't have the brain development to think about consequences and how things can go pear-shaped.

You have every right to be cross and upset and yes of course she should have to pay for the damage, do the clean up and make whatever reparations you see fit. But let's not get carried away, we've nearly all done stupid things as a teenager. It's a lesson learned for her and for you - next time you're away lock up the house and take her keys away!

Do you genuinely think that this falls into 15 year old "stupid" behaviour?
It's really far worse. Destructive and very, very dangerous

This ⬆️.
It's really not funny at all.

"Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week."

Gobsmacking. No, she should not spend any more time at his house until you are on the same page with your values. I guess how well co-parenting works can change over time; it sounds like you're moving in different directions.

Need a hard chat with him too.

I'm so sorry OP.

Obviously your friend had a reason not to trust her DD. But goodness, the idea of having to lock my child out of their own home when I'm on holiday is something I cannot imagine.

OMG OP how horrible and frightening. I'm so sorry.

I think there should be some significant consequences for this, but maybe the most important thing is to make sure your DD understands how her choices led to these losses. I would be wanting her to really work through this and take responsibility for the choices she made.

Obviously no pocket money for a good long time. I would heavily restrict her phone usage also, and be checking it every single day (really for her own safety as she clearly knows some horrible people.)

In terms of getting things back, I would contact the school (if relevant) and post on fb. I would also be back in touch with the police and expect DD to share ALL relevant identifying information with them and you.

You need to tell her dad that she is responsible for your home being ruined and now is not the time for him to be laid back fun dad
He can be that when it is HIS home that gets trashed.

I would take everything she has that would fetch some cash, sell it and use it to fix whet I could
And I would take her key away.

What would you like the school to do?

I'm so sorry this has happened to your home😔. The lying to her father & betraying trust must be crushing.
Absolute swines who turned up & trashed the place, some good pointers to see if you can try & retrieve sentimental/valuables, I hope they find their way back to you.

She's 15 & shouldn't have betrayed your trust & I agree she needs to feel your sadness & hurt BUT 15 is so young, you sound like a lovely mum & if she's anything like you I'm sure she's full of self recrimination.

Not much comfort now, but at about the same age my dd was invited to a house party (I was assurred a parent was at home) she came down with a head cold night before & didn't go in the event - the house didnt get trashed but 2 girls & a lad were taken to hospital after taking too much Ket. It could always be worse, always.

It will be a valuable lesson learned for her & take you a long, long time to trust her again. I really hope your sons medals come back to him🤞.

To add a bit of levity - my dd went to house party for a school friends 16th, Dad was in the house, Mum had gone for a well earned girls night out. We were asked to pick them up about 1 am, pulled up and blue flashing lights outside the house, worried parents outside, turns out the Dad had tried a hover board out, fell off it, smashed his head open & knocked himself out🫣.
A load of dolled up to the nines sober 16 years calmly explaining to paramedics what exactly had happened and one very annoyed mum saying "I'll will KILL HIM when he comes round! One bloody thing I ask him to do!"

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you💐

Help identify the criminals who trashed the house and stole OP's and her son's stuff?