It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

Yes, it sounds like the OP can definitely afford boarding school...

Give your head the proverbial Mumsnet wobble, mate.

Controlled consequences are probably a good idea.
Bit late now, but FWIW I wouldn’t have left her with a key while I was away.
Doesn’t matter how good they are, at that age they are often easily led and make bad decisions.

I guess you’ll not be leaving her access while you’re away for a while now!
my kid was never a bad kid, had nice mates and I was always welcoming but at some point a new friend joined who had poor behaviour and they all followed him so I could no longer trust them.

We had an additional lock that our child didn’t have a key for so when we were away (he’d be with his dad) we used the third lock (if I’m honest it was as much to stop his dad using it as a free hotel as much as anything).
I’d be annoyed about the damage but equally I’d consider it as much my fault for leaving a 15 year old with a key to an empty house because I remember being that age and going to those parties!
It’s great that you get on with her dad but if she knows she can play you off against each other she will exploit that. It’s vital to present a united front otherwise it just looks like he’s undermining you. i think you’d be quite fair to send her to her dads for the rest of the week.

I think she has to actually SEE your devastation. Do not put on a stiff upper lip or minimise your feelings in any way. If you feel like crying, let the tears roll.

She has to experience the consequences her actions have had on you.

And don't minimise her hand in this. No talk of older teens making this happen - SHE set the ball rolling. Where it would roll was - frankly - entirely predictable.

I might need her to stay at her dad's for a bit.

I would be telling both DD and her dad that, since he doesn’t care about consequences she can stay with him for the foreseeable. I wouldn’t be able to look at her honestly. She’d be at her dad’s until she can show remorse or make amends.

She has an ‘above ground pool’.

Yes, maybe she could sell it to raise the many thousands she'd need.

Read what she says about her current work situation.

I would not have her back with me. Banish her to her fathers home full time.
Maybe review in 12 months time.
OP you have so much going on in your life, so many problems to solve. You deserve clear space.

Your daughter let these people in,

Well that's the thing isn't it?

She didn't just tell a few friends to be there at a certain time, it was open house!

I'd be furious at that stupidity.

Did you expect that your children would be in and out of your house while you were away? To me, there's an aspect of dishonesty and disrespect here that goes beyond "just" throwing a party that got out of hand (she may genuinely not have anticipated the party being advertised online, and it may not have been her or her close friends that did that) and being too drunk/inexperienced to limit the impact/ask for help. If you expected that you were closing up the house and it would be empty while you were away, there's a real level of disregard that she didn't even give you and her brother the chance to secure your bedrooms or remove any irreplaceable items. Then there's the intentional lying to her dad about where she would be - presumably even though he's permissive he would not have agreed if she'd said "I'm going to go sleep at Mum's tonight"?

I think the most critical things right now are what you're already doing. (1) Find out what was going through her head and what really happened (I'd be most concerned about the lying/calculated dishonesty and the drinking). And (2) get her dad on side; it's crazy to me that he knows what happened and still lets her go out with friends. Does he understand that he can no longer believe ANYTHING she says, and she could be anywhere doing anything - AND she doesn't have good enough judgement to stay out of serious trouble? You know best if it makes sense for you to come up with a proposed plan for the consequences/restrictions on your own and ask him to adopt it too or if you want to brainstorm together but I'd try to talk with him face to face, maybe a video call if not possible in person, to make sure you have his full attention and there's no miscommunication. But I would focus at least as much on her safety and well-being and preventing any kind of recurrence as on "punishing" her.

Finally - what your daughter has done has created a lot of work and a lot of bad feeling. Support her, but make it her responsibility to fix things. She needs to understand the impact her decisions have had on others, and that it's not always possible to fix things or make amends no matter how much she wants to or how hard she tries (e.g., brother's missing medals). I would put the burden on her, as much as is appropriate for a 15yo, and let her get help, etc. from her friends and the other partygoers whether that be information or money or help getting the stolen items returned.

she needs to stay at her dad’s for a couple of weeks while you get the house sorted

What?

She needs to be there everyday cleaning it!

Well yes, I know this won't fix everything that's wrong with the house. It's more about making her feel the consequences of her actions.

I’d remove her keys - she is no longer allowed free access to the house as you cannot trust her. certainly if she is at her dads she leaves her keys behind.
remove access to phone: She is no longer allowed on social media.
she gets a job and pays back what she owes.
her dad contributes as he was responsible for her when she held the party.
you sell some of her stuff to recoup costs quicker.
post on local facebook about the party and lost medals to reach out to y11 parents.

What? 😂

Sounds like she needs serious consequences. I would take any savings she has and stop her allowance until all damages and thefts have been made good. I would stop paying her phone contracts and allowance until same and would probably also take any items she values until same. She has let you down appallingly but seems to not really be suffering the heartache you are. Have the police cautioned her? I would be beyond livid.

@IllBiteYourLegsOff broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.

I'm more concerned about the fact that your DD has friends who are clearly complete weirdos. Very strange behaviour from teenagers.

For God’s sake. Do people really think in such a limited way? ‘Off to boarding school’ as if that’s some magic solution.

@Wtafdidido Sounds like she needs serious consequences. I would take any savings she has and stop her allowance until all damages and thefts have been made good.

Hahaha, "allowance"? Do you live in the US?

British children and teenagers are generally not given money by their parents routinely, and most do not have any significant savings. There was virtually nothing in my bank account until I got a job at 17.

They are unlikely to be her friends. They are other teens who probably came with the sole intention of causing damage, unfortunately.

She has also clearly shown she is not responsible enough to have social media or mature enough to know right from wrong so 100% my child would have their phone confiscated and only have a basic one with no internet capability until her remotes and actions can show she has wised up. She will be upset but maybe that will give her an insight into how she has made you feel.

Omg I am so angry at your daughter. I want to read her the riot act on your behalf. Tbh in your shoes I’d contemplate sending her to her dad’s semi-permanently, or to boarding school.

Wow this doesn't sound like a 'classic' teenage out of control party at all - to me that means things being bigger/drunker than planned and things being damaged by mistake (drinks spilt on carpet, sickness etc). It sounds like your home was deliberately vandalised. You are completely right to feel devastated.

No sympathy from you then!
Holy Lord

I wouldn’t be ‘upset’ I’d be fucking fuming! The consequences would be severe!

100% she can be held responsible. She lied to her father and organised a party in the family home, she invited at least one other person, she drank alcohol such that she was drunk, she didn't at least call her father once it was clear the party got out of hand ...

Have you tried your home insurance? Report the damage to the police for a crime reference number and get them to deal with it. As for your daughter- it would depend how sorry she is.