It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

How could they do that, and how much teacher time would that involve?
Those other young people may not be students there.

This ^

I recall my late husband telling me that his son had once said that he would never hold a party at home - he'd seen too many homes being wrecked. This would have been when the stepson was a teenager in the '80s.

I said 'if relevant'.

Maybe nitpicking on my post is a bit irrelevant to the thread, do you think?

Maybe nitpicking my answer to your points is irrelevant, don't you think?
You want the school to help sort it?
I'm responding.
You don't like my response?
That's the nature of discussion.

I agree completely with @KatyaKanani

It is relevant to comment on, as you are suggesting it as a possible action. It’s nothing to do with the school. There is no pathway to investigate the possible perpetrators, with no meaningful evidence, via the school.

It’s such a silly line of thinking.

The school will only become involved in identifying pupils if the police ask them.

Thank you. We do get frustrated with parents asking us to use valuable teacher time following up things which are nothing to do with the school.

I agree. My DCs told me years ago about the parties and trashing of houses and to be honest they were shocked. At one, a radiator was pulled off a wall, at another a washbasin, causing flooding.
Mine had a party at ours, we went to the pub round the corner and told them we would pop back whenever, and it would be unexpected. And we did. Worst that happened was some girl hysterical her boyfriend had finished with her so we had to ring her Mum, and the tiled floor was awash with spilt drinks. But easily cleaned and no damage. And we turned the music off and told them all to sod off at the given time!

Oh sorry I forgot this is MN and we all have to agree with the rudest person or risk a pile on.

Fine, it was a silly suggestion. I retract it fully. OP, whatever you do, DO NOT speak to the school about this.

Okay now? You want to nitpick the rest of my response, or are you okay now that you've put me in my place over that one small suggestion-with-caveat that you thought would be a good opportunity to give someone a kicking?

Her daughter was staying with good friends nearby. She didn't want her in the house on her own.
After what happened, she was correct.
Her daughter was beside herself with genuine upset, and did a great clean up.
She had only wanted to go back to the house with a few friends, but word got out and that was it, people turning up to a free gaff.
These things can very very quickly get out of control.
So upsetting.
Another friend of mines neighbour had a gathering for her daughters 16 last year and they were in the house, the party was in the back of the house and garden !
Someone managed to get drunk, go upstairs and throw their absolute guts up all over her bedroom.
Bedroom absolutely destroyed.
She never found out who was responsible and she was in the house the whole time.

Personally i think a lot of the blame would lie with your ex husband. she was left with the care of the child and obviously did not. he should have ensured where she was going and with who.
all i can say is claim on insurance and let the police do what they need to do re the stolen items. may teach some a lesson
if you are back now you can enforce grounding i would ensure other penalties like taking away phone and ipad. also i would have a long talk to her about the consequences of what she has done financially particularly and next time you go away think twice about leaving her with her father

I once had a party a bit like this. Admittedly, no damage was done - we moved things before it started and put them back afterwards. No police involvement either but we were busted by a returning parent who wasn't expected.

I'm sure it was a horrible thing to witness but both at the time and in retrospect, the handling of it felt dramatic.
It was described as 'the worst thing that has ever happened to me'. Accusations were also made towards my friends, when the responsibility for it lay with me. So avoid that if you can OP. I'm sure it's very far from ideal but hopefully not a traumatic incident to end all others.

I wonder how poor DS feels about this and what his relationship with his sister will be like going forward. He's not going to see his medals again and they may have meant a huge amount to him.

This happened with my BIL when he was an older teen and my in- laws went on holiday and left him at home. Afterwards he had to stay at his granny’s when they were out late but then they fitted internal locks on all the doors so he only has access to his bedroom and en suite and the kitchen. Worked well and also a deterant against break ins.

What kicking did you get? 🤷🏻‍♀️

And where was the rudeness? You are the one that referred to another poster ‘nitpicking’

Your suggestion was unworkable and this was explained to you. Somewhat dramatic response by you in return.

I'm so sorry OP. Is there any way of finding out who did the damage? If over 18, you could perhaps get them arrested if any evidence of them entered? At the very least they were trespassing if your dd didn't know or invite them..

This sounds horrendous no wonder you are so upset anyone would be the same. Your daughter needs to be doing more than a bit of tidying up, she should be on her hands and knees scrubbing every last bit of crap up. I would be grounding her for the foreseeable and making her get a job to pay you back.

You could tally the cost to replace everything and deduct it from any money you give her, starting now and front load it, i.e no money for as many weeks/months that it takes to pay off the damage, or suggest she gets a part time job to pay it off quicker.

Excellent idea, he is really just one grade above the cat at that point?

And lied to her dad about being elsewhere (he presumably would never have allowed a 15 year old to be home alone, and the way it's written, dad isn't at fault as she lied to him).
Is she mad you went on holiday without her, OP? Or is she mad at either you or her dad, whichever she blames for the break up, and trying to upset whichever one of you?
Point is I'd get her into counselling. It's not like a party just got out of hand-she knew you were out the country, lied to her dad, and THEN didn't call the police (or her dad, or any other adult to help sort things out)-there are lots of deliberate choices that caused this to happen.

Quite. Just ignore.

Her father played a part in this: he took her word for it about the sleepover. At that age, I would be confirming with the parents what the arrangements are, not just taking a 15 year old's word for it. It could have been much worse than a party at your house and he was naive in believing her. She needs to provide you with full disclosure, work to make amends and win back trust. You do need to try to find out why she thought it was acceptable to lie and hold the party. Was she put up to it by a friend rather than it being her idea.

Full sugar coke removes egg from glass and frames.

I think this is significant. Make her tell you who they were OP and start contacting parents to try find your son's medals when you have time. So sorry it's absolutely awful what happened.

You have some excellent advice here OP but can I suggest you check your ring doorbell (if you don't have one, get one), or neighbours cameras to try and identify who these Randoms are. Get on local Facebook groups and show screenshots to try and contact them about the medals. I assume your ex is your sons dad? Why isn't he furious about the medals. Other stuff can be replaced but his medals are priceless to him so you need to track these down ASAP. Make a police report. You need a conversation with your ex husband to get on the same page. The damage happened on his watch.