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Original poster

To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

722 replies

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:16

My husband has two older children and we have younger DC together.

Since they have been older (12 & 14) he has got into the habit of leaving them at home at the weekend whilst he goes to work (SE so can definitely choose whether to go or not) often not telling me about this until the night before / day of.

He will say it doesn't matter because they are old enough to look after themselves so makes no difference to me. Fine.

I have taken to thinking well I'll just get on with my day then as normal if he says it makes no difference to me I.e. Still going out with the little ones etc..

He will make comments about this though sometimes like if I'm out over lunch time asking me if DSC have eaten, what they have for lunch, should be making sure they have something. Or even sometimes saying it's mean of me not to take DSC out with me if I end up going somewhere they might light for example I once had a trip to a big aquarium/zoo place planned with my sister and our younger children and he was pissed that I didn't immediately take DSC with me when I found out he had decided to go in work, instead they stayed home alone all day.

I just think he wants his cake and to eat it too. You can't say oh it makes no difference to you because they can look after themselves so I'm going out and then in the same breath moan about me not looking after them? Can they look after themselves or not? If they can then it shouldn't matter that I get on with my day, if they can't then he should be at home or at the very least asking me if it's okay.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Whatifthehokeycokey · 04/04/2024 10:08

nutbrownhare15 · 04/04/2024 10:00

I'd be like a broken record every time. 'I don't know if they've eaten darling, you said they don't need looking after and that's why you've gone to work today. If they do need looking after I suggest you come home/don't work weekends any more when they are here'. And repeat every time he asks.

This, exactly. Again and again. Don't let him get away with it.

CommentNow · 04/04/2024 10:09

Hes not just leaving them though is he, he is leaving you to parent little kids all weekend while he chooses extra work to avoid parenting.

He will do the same when you break up and they go to him for the weekend with the new wife.

I'd make a point of being entirely out of the house at weekends for a few consecutive weeks, stay over at your mums. He is less likely to leave them to fend for themselves day and night.

As it stands, I think a conversation with him is warranted in the value of them even coming over. He doesn't see them and they would probably be happier at home. He is under valuing how draining it is for them to pack up and come over every weekend to be left alone while he works. He is supposed to have quality time with them.

Yeah, they are fine home alone. But they could be at their main home alone and without the inconvenience.

bellezarara · 04/04/2024 10:10

Josette77 · 04/04/2024 08:35

Where did I attach more blame exactly? Can you specifically point that out?

But yes, she could have made better choices.
Is that really debatable?

He's a shitty dad. The evidence was already there with the older kids.

She wasn't conned.
.

Show quote history

Is OP supposed to have psychic powers in being able to see he's a shit dad? You only know someone is a shit dad once you have kids with them.

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:11

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 09:38

OP also works.

He’s supposed to source childcare, like all parents.

Show quote history

Source childcare? They are 12 and 14. They don’t need a babysitter and are too old for holiday clubs really. They have a step parent who doesn’t work weekends who can do the bare minimum by making sure they did have lunch and offer them the option to come along to the zoo surely?

OP married this man knowing he has 2 older kids who will be part of her family. She doesn’t need to change their nappies or watch them 24/7 but basic human needs like feeding yes she should be doing that whilst her partner is at work providing for their family. If he was out with his mates on a jolly then obviously a completely different situation.

Why do people think being a step parent means taking no responsibility whatsoever to these poor children? I’m sure their dad would prefer NOT to work weekends but this is a man with multiple kids from multiple women he obviously needs the income.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 04/04/2024 10:12

MostlyHappyMummy · 04/04/2024 09:50

Your husband doesn't mean they don't need taking care of, he means he doesn't need to do it just that he expects you to.
Interesting attitude

Yes, exactly. Typical foist the labour onto the wife. And of course, all the guilt for the children's wellbeing should also be foisted on the wife. It's her fault entirely of course. She married a man with kids. Let's not dwell on the fact that he's opting out of parenting his own kids.

OP, he'll let you pick up all the slack if you let him get away with it. You need to find a way to make him voice his unconscious, unspoken expectations. Only then can you challenge them.

bellezarara · 04/04/2024 10:13

Jumpingthruhoops · 04/04/2024 10:06

I kinda think YA(both)BU.

He leaves the DSC home because, in his words, they're 'old enough to look after themselves'.

However, you then make plans to take your younger joint DC out for the day and don't include the DSC because they're 'old enough to look after themselves'.

Sorry, but that just comes across as mean. Either you're just pissed at being 'dumped on' and are doing this to make a point to your DH. Or you genuinely don't like your DSC. Really hope it's the former.

9/10 times the DSC say no to going with OP and also they're in bed when OP leaves.

If OP drags the teens out of bed to take them with her you'd be screaming child abuse.

bellezarara · 04/04/2024 10:15

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:11

Source childcare? They are 12 and 14. They don’t need a babysitter and are too old for holiday clubs really. They have a step parent who doesn’t work weekends who can do the bare minimum by making sure they did have lunch and offer them the option to come along to the zoo surely?

OP married this man knowing he has 2 older kids who will be part of her family. She doesn’t need to change their nappies or watch them 24/7 but basic human needs like feeding yes she should be doing that whilst her partner is at work providing for their family. If he was out with his mates on a jolly then obviously a completely different situation.

Why do people think being a step parent means taking no responsibility whatsoever to these poor children? I’m sure their dad would prefer NOT to work weekends but this is a man with multiple kids from multiple women he obviously needs the income.

Show quote history

There is food in the house, the dad has decreed that his kids are old enough to feed themselves.

Expecting a step-mother to cancel her plans and stay home to feed teens lunch is hypocritical behaviour.

CommentNow · 04/04/2024 10:15

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:11

Source childcare? They are 12 and 14. They don’t need a babysitter and are too old for holiday clubs really. They have a step parent who doesn’t work weekends who can do the bare minimum by making sure they did have lunch and offer them the option to come along to the zoo surely?

OP married this man knowing he has 2 older kids who will be part of her family. She doesn’t need to change their nappies or watch them 24/7 but basic human needs like feeding yes she should be doing that whilst her partner is at work providing for their family. If he was out with his mates on a jolly then obviously a completely different situation.

Why do people think being a step parent means taking no responsibility whatsoever to these poor children? I’m sure their dad would prefer NOT to work weekends but this is a man with multiple kids from multiple women he obviously needs the income.

Show quote history

Multiple kids with multiple women. The poor man.

He chooses to work at weekends and out of the home: "SE [self employed] so can definitely choose whether to go or not"

I assume at the start he pretended he liked being a dad and OP didn't sign up to solo parent them.

The mids would probably rather be at home with their mum.

ETA- He could probably even pack them a sandwich the night before if he wasnt totally self absorbed.

mamacorn1 · 04/04/2024 10:15

His kids - he should be there for them. They are not your responsibility, they have a mother who must know he leaves them home alone. She should be telling him straight this is not ok.

Glass113 · 04/04/2024 10:16

Well aren't you both lovely 😳

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 10:17

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:11

Source childcare? They are 12 and 14. They don’t need a babysitter and are too old for holiday clubs really. They have a step parent who doesn’t work weekends who can do the bare minimum by making sure they did have lunch and offer them the option to come along to the zoo surely?

OP married this man knowing he has 2 older kids who will be part of her family. She doesn’t need to change their nappies or watch them 24/7 but basic human needs like feeding yes she should be doing that whilst her partner is at work providing for their family. If he was out with his mates on a jolly then obviously a completely different situation.

Why do people think being a step parent means taking no responsibility whatsoever to these poor children? I’m sure their dad would prefer NOT to work weekends but this is a man with multiple kids from multiple women he obviously needs the income.

Show quote history

Yes, source childcare. Not assume he can dump it on his wife without even asking her. He’s the one that failed to source care for them, not her. It’s not on her to pick up the slack because of her husband’s failings.

She absolutely can decide against taking on his responsibilities. They’re HIS children and his responsibility, and they remain just that, regardless of the ways around that fact people are trying to find.

Cowhen · 04/04/2024 10:18

nutbrownhare15 · 04/04/2024 10:00

I'd be like a broken record every time. 'I don't know if they've eaten darling, you said they don't need looking after and that's why you've gone to work today. If they do need looking after I suggest you come home/don't work weekends any more when they are here'. And repeat every time he asks.

Yes, I like this one.

DramaLlamaBangBang · 04/04/2024 10:18

Surely the point of joint custody is so that the children and parent get to still spend time together, not so the kids can just live in a different house every now and then. He has chosen to work instead of seeing his kids. He sounds like he just doesn't want to pay maintenance but can't be bothered to see them either.

babyproblems · 04/04/2024 10:18

Agree he is an awful Dad. I would find this sort of behaviour such a turn off. Surely his kids don’t see him hardly?! Why do they bother coming.. wonder what their mum makes of it. I don’t know what you can do really unless you are close with their mum (unlikely?) and mention that he isn’t present when they are there. I think you’ve done the right thing carrying on and not pandering to him but what a sad story for the kids that their father cannot be arsed with them even for such a short time period.

horseyhorsey17 · 04/04/2024 10:18

What's the point of your stepkids spending weekends with you when they don't see their dad or you? If I was their mum - or them - I'd be asking to end this particular arrangement as it's absolutely pointless and disruptive to their normal lives for no reason.

Is it a joint custody arrangement - ie he doesn't want to have to pay their mum, but doesn't give a shit about seeing them either? If so, he sounds like a real prince among men. What a catch.

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:20

bellezarara · 04/04/2024 10:15

There is food in the house, the dad has decreed that his kids are old enough to feed themselves.

Expecting a step-mother to cancel her plans and stay home to feed teens lunch is hypocritical behaviour.

Show quote history

No where did I say she should cancel her plans. She should invite the older children to whatever she is doing though, if they don’t want to go then they can stay home.

MidnightPatrol · 04/04/2024 10:21

Why do people get in relationships with people who have young children, and then be pissed off they have to actually participate in those children's lives.

What do you expect will happen?

No he shouldn't go to work on contact days and leave you to care for the children if you aren't willing, but I'd also query your attitude towards the step children too.

I agree if you have a trip planned to the aquarium and the step kids are around you should of course invite them. How would you feel if he had a trip planned to the aquarium with the older children and didn't extend the invite to your two?

FangsForTheMemory · 04/04/2024 10:21

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:11

Source childcare? They are 12 and 14. They don’t need a babysitter and are too old for holiday clubs really. They have a step parent who doesn’t work weekends who can do the bare minimum by making sure they did have lunch and offer them the option to come along to the zoo surely?

OP married this man knowing he has 2 older kids who will be part of her family. She doesn’t need to change their nappies or watch them 24/7 but basic human needs like feeding yes she should be doing that whilst her partner is at work providing for their family. If he was out with his mates on a jolly then obviously a completely different situation.

Why do people think being a step parent means taking no responsibility whatsoever to these poor children? I’m sure their dad would prefer NOT to work weekends but this is a man with multiple kids from multiple women he obviously needs the income.

Show quote history

I’m damned sure he’s working weekends on purpose in order to avoid his share of parenting.

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 10:22

MidnightPatrol · 04/04/2024 10:21

Why do people get in relationships with people who have young children, and then be pissed off they have to actually participate in those children's lives.

What do you expect will happen?

No he shouldn't go to work on contact days and leave you to care for the children if you aren't willing, but I'd also query your attitude towards the step children too.

I agree if you have a trip planned to the aquarium and the step kids are around you should of course invite them. How would you feel if he had a trip planned to the aquarium with the older children and didn't extend the invite to your two?

And if the SC say no? What then?

Ohhmydays · 04/04/2024 10:22

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 09:56

Hats off to those who have two year olds who'd sit / play through a whole game of bowling. It would be a nightmare imo personally.

me and partner took middle ds bowling for his 3rd birthday. Partners sister and my oldest(both 17 at the time) and the youngest who was only 3months, and it was absolutely fine. Everyone had a great time

bellezarara · 04/04/2024 10:23

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:20

No where did I say she should cancel her plans. She should invite the older children to whatever she is doing though, if they don’t want to go then they can stay home.

Show quote history

You said they have a step parent who doesn’t work weekends who can do the bare minimum by making sure they did have lunch.

That means OP would have to cancel her plans just to make sure they have lunch.

And whenever she has asked they have declined to go with her.

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:23

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 10:22

And if the SC say no? What then?

Show quote history

Then atleast she’s offered?!!

Whatifthehokeycokey · 04/04/2024 10:23

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:11

Source childcare? They are 12 and 14. They don’t need a babysitter and are too old for holiday clubs really. They have a step parent who doesn’t work weekends who can do the bare minimum by making sure they did have lunch and offer them the option to come along to the zoo surely?

OP married this man knowing he has 2 older kids who will be part of her family. She doesn’t need to change their nappies or watch them 24/7 but basic human needs like feeding yes she should be doing that whilst her partner is at work providing for their family. If he was out with his mates on a jolly then obviously a completely different situation.

Why do people think being a step parent means taking no responsibility whatsoever to these poor children? I’m sure their dad would prefer NOT to work weekends but this is a man with multiple kids from multiple women he obviously needs the income.

Show quote history

If that's the situation, though, then the Dad needs to be honest about it and say to his wife, "Sorry I have to work this weekend, please can you look out for DSC?" He shouldn't pretend they don't need looking after. It's the dishonesty and double standards she's annoyed about.

bellezarara · 04/04/2024 10:24

Ohhmydays · 04/04/2024 10:22

me and partner took middle ds bowling for his 3rd birthday. Partners sister and my oldest(both 17 at the time) and the youngest who was only 3months, and it was absolutely fine. Everyone had a great time

Show quote history

You had TWO adults with you, including one who is your partner. OP would have multiple kids alone.

MidnightPatrol · 04/04/2024 10:25

Luxell934 · 04/04/2024 10:11

Source childcare? They are 12 and 14. They don’t need a babysitter and are too old for holiday clubs really. They have a step parent who doesn’t work weekends who can do the bare minimum by making sure they did have lunch and offer them the option to come along to the zoo surely?

OP married this man knowing he has 2 older kids who will be part of her family. She doesn’t need to change their nappies or watch them 24/7 but basic human needs like feeding yes she should be doing that whilst her partner is at work providing for their family. If he was out with his mates on a jolly then obviously a completely different situation.

Why do people think being a step parent means taking no responsibility whatsoever to these poor children? I’m sure their dad would prefer NOT to work weekends but this is a man with multiple kids from multiple women he obviously needs the income.

Show quote history

It is strange isn't it.

I haven't really thought of it much before until reading these threads, but in retrospect my 'step dad' was like this. No involvement in our lives at all, just existed in the same house. I've known him 25 years and he would never message me, never picked me up from anywhere, made me a meal etc. No interest in us at all, lived with me since I was about 8.

As a parent now, this seems very odd - albeit, the advice on mumsnet often seems to be that as a step-parent you have 0 obligation to involve yourselves in the stepchild's life.

How very strange for the child to grow up with the adults in their home behaving like this.

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